Thursday, January 31, 2008

classic Jeremy Beadle - Beadles About videos

It was sad to hear the news today about the death of legend Jeremy Beadle, I used to love watching his programmes when I was younger and I think they would still be a hit now if they were on TV.

here are some classic Beadles About clips

Beadle's About - Wife objects to Husband's nude modelling

Beadles About: Haunted Undertakers

Beadles About: fiery temper

Beadles about – accidental groom

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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

a few funny pictures

someone sent me some funny pictures today, here is the best of the bunch. The dog one twists my mind, firstly how did he get in such a position and surely he isn't going to bit his own balls.

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Joke - Rabbit escapes from Laboratory

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried.

Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. "What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This, he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.

"There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys.

"That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

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Hosks Half Hour - Episode 14 - Giving it some retro style

Another episode of hosks half hour is released into the wild for your consumption

here is the episode description

This episode is using some old digi recordings. We have some standup from 2004 about being deaf!! We have lots of jingles, although more doesn’t necessarily mean better. We have some observation stand up on dieting, the English language, We have a few Hosk interviewing Hosk. An odd news report on cyber bulling. Some random sketches.
We have the introduction of new character continental manager (Julio Martinez), his team captain (Jonny Butcher) and the interviewer (John Statson), this is great use of the Hosk of a 1000 voices amazing vocal ability. A bit of pub talk and finishing off with the mash up of all the mistakes and outtakes of the episode.

Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Funny Video - Manchester news

I watch soccer am sometimes on a Saturday morning and most of it isn't that funny they do now and again have some cracking sketches

manchester news

Manchester News 1

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Monday, January 28, 2008

funny videos - Not the 9 o'clock news

I have to admit I never really saw much of Not the 9 o'clock news because it was a few years before my time. I have seen archive clips now and again on TV and have always been impressed with the cast. I have also seen the famous darts sketch where the competitors are boozing instead of playing darts.

anyway enough of this waffle, here is a few clips from the show in question, enjoy

The Swedish Chemist's Shop

Constable Savage

Not the Nine O'Clock News - Breakfast with the McEnroes

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Thursday, January 17, 2008

Hosks Half Hour - Episode 13 - Big pants save the day

this episode is half xmas stuff and half news nuggets and stand up. It comes in at a whopping 45 minutes, so its more like a Hosks Half Hour and a half.

This episode contains

This has Christmas observational humour, news nuggets, Christmas stories, Christmas warnings and it also has some standup, holiday packing and news nuggets about the Blade Runner and Giant pants save the day.

here is the link

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

funny video - I’m closing the pool for five minutes

This made me laugh, I bet in real life they don't close the pool they just dive in for a *cough* swim.

I’m closing the pool for five minutes

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Do you suffer from Debt Blindness?

I was discussing the changing of attitudes of debt with my mates recently. I was wondering when it became okay to start to have these great big piles of debt. These days people have to buy things NOW and whack it on their credit cards. I think in the start of the 80’s you could hardly get a credit card and before that (40 years) people struggled to get mortgages.

I was saying that I thought it was a combination of banks practically giving loans and huge credit cards to anyone who wants one and students finishing university with 10 to 15 grand plus of debt. When you are 10 grand in debt and an overdraft and loans what’s a few more thousand quid on the credit card. Then by the time they get round to thinking about getting rid of the debt, the effort required is so much they can’t be arsed, like a big fat person attempting to get back down to her ideal weight. One problem is students having not really worked don’t realize how long its going to take to pay back all the money they spunked away at uni, I’m talking just about the loans they get for “living/boozing” ignoring the tuition fees.

I am also curious as to what will happen to all the money borrowed on credit cards, surely at some point these big fat loans at high interest will have to be paid back, probably in the future loads of people will be putting these debts into their mortgage. All these spending is basically fueled by house prices increasing

I have heard that students suffer from “Debt Blindness”

its say the average debt on leaving uni is 17 grand, clucking bells.

The change in attitude must occur at university because before you went I went to university I didn’t have any credit cards and spending was within my means. Still it’s a bit of an excuse, we get a bit overweight but most of us don’t give up and start eating like crazy. My Dad was having none of it, when I told him of the theory.

With 17 grand of debt you must be able to do a calculation on when someone who didn’t go to university and someone who didn’t have the same amount of money/possessions. The most bizarre thing is a lot of the people who go to university then go and get shite jobs making the debt even more staggering.

You have to say, like America, the banks feckless lending is going to kick them in the googles at some point.

here is the article that mentions debt blindness

How to profit from your student days
You can stay friends with your bank, say Xan Rice and Alex Hawkes

WHAT is on a student’s mind? Getting totally wrecked at all-night parties on cheap and nasty alcohol, close encounters of the amorous kind, perhaps a little studying when you can fit it in. But bank accounts? Well, probably not, but they should be. With student debt reaching record levels — the average graduate leaves university owing £17,000 — the relationship with your bank is crucial.

Get it right and it could be the start of a long and happy marriage. Get it wrong and it could end in an ugly break-up, with the ramifications felt well into your working life. Fortunately, there is now plenty of advice on how to maintain a harmonious relationship with your bank, as students and their finances are now the subject of doctoral theses and management school studies.

Boys should, in particular, heed words of counsel on management, for males tend to be the worst undergraduate money managers, according to Adrian Scott, co-author of Student Debt: The Causes and Consequences of Undergraduate Borrowing in The UK. He says that men are, on average, £500 more in debt than women and spend more than twice as much on alcohol.

But both sexes can be prone to arriving at university and promptly forgetting the financial prudence that they learnt when husbanding their pocket money, says Sue Eccles, of Lancaster University Management School. Dr Eccles says: “Young people tend to be quite good money managers at school. But in their new life, they are suddenly presented with large sums of money. They go into over-spending mode in their first week, buying books, joining clubs and going on big drinking sessions.

Debt-blindness then sets in: their borrowings are escalating but the students have no idea how much they owe.”

Probably the best person to show you how to stay friends with your bank is a bank manager. Stephen Hodgson manages the HSBC branch on campus at Hull University. He will not be drawn on the worst cases of student debt that have come to his notice in his many years in the job. But his experiences with overborrowed 20-year-olds have encouraged him to open savings accounts for his children so that they will have a cash buffer for their undergraduate years.

Mr Hodgson says: “First, students should draw up a budget. Add up any money from grants, parents, summer jobs and anything else saved, and then estimate what life at university is going to cost you — tuition fees, course books, travel and socialising. Don’t forget to include insurance premiums — many students now have a PC, TV or bike, all of which are targets for thieves.

“If it looks like you are going to be short, then at least you know in advance. You then know how much you are going to have to borrow or earn from a part-time job. If you need to borrow, the cheapest way is through an interest-free overdraft, and after that a loan from the government-sponsored Student Loans Company.
“Finally, it is important to talk to your bank if you are running into financial difficulties. Chances are that it will be helpful and sympathetic — the bank will have seen this scenario before.”

All sensible advice, but you do wonder whether students will follow it. We asked two of them what they thought of Mr Hodgson’s tips.

Zoe Hood, 22, has just finished a BA in English at Manchester University. She thinks that Mr Hodgson’s advice is “sound, if a little idealistic”. Though she worked for much of her undergraduate career, she thinks that it could become too much and hit your grades, particularly when finals are looming, and does not believe that financial prudence alone will solve problems of student debt.
She agrees that budgeting is an important skill for students to learn, both for their student days and their life afterwards. But she adds: “But I think careful planning tends to go out the window at some point.”

Meggan McCartney, 18, is about to start a physiology and psychology course at Worcester College, Oxford. She says that she found the tips useful and would follow up the idea of buying insurance cover for her student rooms.

Really, worrying about getting into debt is not the issue. Mr Scott says: “Most students get into debt these days. The difference is by how much and what kind of debt it is.”

Dr Eccles agrees: “There is a fine balance to be struck. Most students will have no trouble with their debts and will see them as an investment rather than a debt. Starting university and controlling your finances is also empowering.”

For students who are worried about debt issues, Credit Action, the money education charity, has recently published a revised edition of its Student’s Guide to Better Money Management.

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Ricky Gervais comic relief video

I saw this over Christmas and thought it was really funny, much better than the Extras Christmas special.

The best bit is Jamie Oliver eating turkey twizzlers.

Ricky Gervais on Comic Relief 2007 Red Nose Day

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What is Bankruptcy

Whilst yesterday I was looking at the subprime situation in this
article as well as looking at pictures of Paris Hilton in this link today I was interested in what bankruptcy is and the effects of it, so off I trotted to wikipedia and interesting bits of the article are below.

In some ways it’s a bloody cheek, this person racks up huge debts and then gets out of paying them

Bankruptcy is a legally declared inability or impairment of ability of an individual or organizations to pay their creditors. Creditors may file a bankruptcy petition against a debtor ("involuntary bankruptcy") in an effort to recoup a portion of what they are owed. In the majority of cases, however, bankruptcy is initiated by the debtor (a "voluntary bankruptcy" that is filed by the bankrupt individual or organization).

1.1 Purpose
The primary purpose of bankruptcy is: (1) to give an honest debtor a "fresh start" in life by relieving the debtor of most debts, and (2) to repay creditors in an orderly manner to the extent that the debtor has the means available for payment. Bankruptcy allows debtors to be discharged from the legal obligation to pay most debts by submitting their non-exempt assets, if any, to the jurisdiction of the bankruptcy court for eventual distribution among their creditors. A bankruptcy case is initiated by the filing of a petition, which contains the Debtor's financial information. A married couple may file a joint petition. Though in a technical sense the filing of a joint petition initiates two separate bankruptcy cases (and estates), the cases and estates are usually consolidated and treated as one.

There are two common forms of bankruptcy: liquidation and reorganization. In the United States the law provides for one liquidation chapter (chapter 7); all other chapters are for reorganization (chapter 9- municipalities, chapter 11- businesses or individuals, chapter 12- family farmers, chapter 13- individual "wage earners".) Upon the filing of the bankruptcy petition, the Debtor's assets constitute the bankruptcy "estate". With the notable exception of a case under chapter 11, a Trustee is appointed to oversee the Debtor's estate, to evaluate claims and perform other functions. In certain instances a Trustee can be appointed to a chapter 11 case.

In a liquidation bankruptcy, the Debtor's nonexempt (ie, legally unprotected) assets are sold off to satisfy creditor claims. This is referred to as "administering" the Debtor's estate. The Creditors with timely filed and valid claims participate in a pro rata distribution of the proceeds obtained through the liquidation. The distribution is based on a system of priorities, in which certain classes of claimants are given priority over others. A liquidation case in which no liquidation occurs, and thus no assets are administered for the benefit of creditors, is generally referred to as a "no asset" case.

A reorganization bankruptcy is a bankruptcy in which a debtor reorganizes/restructures assets and debts. Individuals may initiate a reorganization bankruptcy in order to retain assets and pay creditor claims out of the individual's income. However, reorganization bankruptcies can involve an "orderly liquidation" of some or all of the Debtor's assets. A reorganization bankruptcy usually allows the Debtor to carry on while satisfying creditor claims (in whole or part).

Businesses may enter a reorganization bankruptcy in order to survive insolvency due to creditor claims exceeding the ability of the business to satisfy them. The basic process involves a business reducing each creditor's claims to allow partial payment in order for the business to carry on with its daily commercial activity.

During the pendency of a bankruptcy proceeding the debtor is protected from most non-bankruptcy legal action by creditors through a legally imposed stay. Creditors cannot pursue most types of lawsuits, garnish wages, or attempt to compel payment.

1.1.1 Bankruptcy in the United Kingdom
Main articles: Bankruptcy in the United Kingdom and Administration (insolvency)

In the United Kingdom (UK), bankruptcy (in a strict legal sense) relates only to individuals and partnerships. Companies and other corporations enter into differently-named legal insolvency procedures: liquidation, Administration (insolvency) (administration order and administrative receivership). However, the term 'bankruptcy' is often used (incorrectly) when referring to companies in the media and in general conversation. Bankruptcy in Scotland is referred to as Sequestration.

A Trustee in bankruptcy must be either an Official Receiver (a civil servant) or a licensed insolvency practitioner.

Following the introduction of the Enterprise Act 2002, a UK bankruptcy will now normally last no longer than 12 months and may be less, if the Official Receiver files in Court a certificate that his investigations are complete.

It is expected that the UK Government's liberalisation of the UK bankruptcy regime will increase the number of bankruptcy cases; initial Government statistics appear to bear this out.[citation needed]

There were 20,461 individual insolvencies in England and Wales in the fourth quarter of 2005 on a seasonally adjusted basis. This was an increase of 15.0% on the previous quarter and an increase of 36.8% on the same period a year ago.

This was made up of 13,501 bankruptcies, an increase of 15.9% on the previous quarter and an increase of 37.6% on the corresponding quarter of the previous year, and 6,960 Individual Voluntary Arrangements (IVA’s), an increase of 23.9% on the previous quarter and an increase of 117.1% on the corresponding quarter of the previous year.

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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

more pictures of Paris Hilton

well I think I have seen most of the pictures of Paris Hilton now but I bumped into some more today and thought I would put them on the blog because people never get bored of looking at Pictures of Paris Hilton

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what is subprime mortgages

I saw an article on the BBC today talking about the loses banks have suffered with the subprime stuff, here is a table. I didn't realise it was so many billions


Citigroup: $18bn
UBS: $13.5bn
Morgan Stanley $9.4bn
Merrill Lynch: $8bn
HSBC: $3.4bn
Bear Stearns: $3.2bn
Deutsche Bank: $3.2bn
Bank of America: $3bn
Barclays: $2.6bn
Royal Bank of Scotland: $2.6bn
Freddie Mac: $2bn
Credit Suisse: $1bn
Wachovia: $1.1bn
IKB: $2.6bn
Paribas: $439m
Source: Company reports

From what I know its basically a loan given to people who can’t really afford it. So usually banks loan you dosh based on 4 times your wages, subprimes give you more than that. If the interest rates go up the people are in big trouble. I think also the deal only pays off the interest (e.g. like interest only mortgages) so at the end of the mortgage you would still owe the lump sum, although in thirty years it probably would be that much. The other hazy fact I know is that I don’t think you have to go through the same checks as you would if you went to the back, so credit rating and all that stuff doesn’t matter because they will basically lend to people the banks won’t touch. All this gives you a recipe for lots of people defaulting on the mortgage.

I have found a couple of definitions

A sub-prime lender is one who lends to borrowers who do not qualify for loans from mainstream lenders. Some are independent, but increasingly they are affiliates of mainstream lenders operating under different names.

here is wikipedia definition

Subprime lending (also known as B-paper, near-prime, or second chance lending) is the practice of making loans to borrowers who do not qualify for the best market interest rates because of their deficient credit history. The phrase also refers to banknotes taken on property that cannot be sold on the primary market, including loans on certain types of investment properties and certain types of self-employed individuals.

Subprime lending is risky for both lenders and borrowers due to the combination of high interest rates, poor credit history, and adverse financial situations usually associated with subprime applicants. A subprime loan is offered at a rate higher than A-paper loans due to the increased risk. Subprime lending encompasses a variety of credit instruments, including subprime mortgages, subprime car loans, and subprime credit cards, among others. The term "subprime" refers to the credit status of the borrower (being less than ideal), not the interest rate on the loan itself.

Subprime lending is highly controversial. Opponents have alleged that the subprime lending companies engage in predatory lending practices such as deliberately lending to borrowers who could never meet the terms of their loans, thus leading to default, seizure of collateral, and foreclosure. There have also been charges of mortgage discrimination on the basis of race.[1] Proponents of the subprime lending maintain that the practice extends credit to people who would otherwise not have access to the credit market.[2]

The controversy surrounding subprime lending has expanded as the result of an ongoing lending and credit crisis both in the subprime industry, and in the greater financial markets which began in the United States. This phenomenon has been described as a financial contagion which has led to a restriction on the availability of credit in world financial markets. Hundreds of thousands of borrowers have been forced to default and several major American subprime lenders have filed for bankruptcy.

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Hosks Half Hour - Episode 12 - The Turkey Leftovers

Hosks Half Hour is back with a Christmas special !!!!!

They say timing is everything, so my timing of the Christmas special couldn't be worse, MWHAAHAHAHAAH

the episode contains

This episode is all about Christmas with lots of observational stuff regarding Christmas. We have thoughts about Christmas, Christmas warnings, news nuggets. Hosk thoughts – I hate wrapping presents, We have some stand up on people becoming eating machines over the Christmas period. Haines have a manual out how to be a good father. News nuggets about Carol Singers being busted, Santa being sacked for saying Ho Ho. A list of the worst xmas presents people have been brought. Finally we have some Christmas stories from the Hosk himself and the tale of the Icicle and the commander.

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Monday, January 14, 2008

Sexy pictures of Girls Aloud

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is detoxing good for you

I remember reading this article about 5 years ago and I always remember that one of the people poo's out a bit of steak about 10 years after eating and someone else pops out a marble that he swallowed when he was a kid!!!!!! It strikes me as mad that stuff can just lie around in the belly for so long. Anyway my buddies were talking about detoxing and I remembered this article and thought I would have a look at the article again, even the title makes me laugh

The enema within

whether you should or should not detox is another question, I don't believe it really has any long term benefits because as soon as you go back to your previous life nothing has changed and giving the liver the time off, may do it more harm than good. Although I am not really sure about that

its can be found here

The enema within
Ian Belcher took some persuading to go on a colonic irrigation holiday, even at a Thai beach resort. It is, he discovered, quite astonishing what gets flushed out in the course of a week's treatment. But did he feel the better for it?
Ian Belcher
Saturday March 9, 2002
When photographer Anthony Cullen heard the clank of glass on porcelain, he didn't need to examine the contents of the toilet bowl between his legs. He instinctively knew he had just passed the marble he had swallowed as a five-year-old; the small coloured sphere - "I think it was a bluey" - had lodged in his colon for 22 years. His nonchalance was understandable. Having flushed 400 pints of coffee and vinegar solution around his large intestine through 10 enemas, and taken 100 herbal laxatives, he had become hardened to extraordinary sights. He had already excreted yards of long stringy mucus "with a strange yellow glaze", several hard black pellets and numerous pieces of undigested rump steak. Like an iceberg breaking away from a glacier, the marble was simply the latest object to drop off the furred up wall of his colon.

Within 30 minutes it had become a burning topic of conversation among guests at The Spa resort on the Thai island of Koh Samui. Most listened, nodded earnestly and smiled, a flicker of mutual support, before describing their own bowel movements in unnervingly graphic detail. It was just another day at the tropical health farm where conversations that would be deemed unpleasant, if not obscene, in any place outside a gastro-intestinal ward, are mere idle chit-chat among the sun-soaked clientele.
They may have travelled across the world to The Spa's thatched beach huts, encircling its renowned restaurant whose Pod Ka Pow Nam Many Hoy - prawns and chilli, stir-fried in oyster sauce - is a house speciality, but not a morsel of food, nor a single calorie, will pass their lips. Instead they order around 70-odd gallons of coffee and vinegar, lemon or garlic solution - lightly warmed, please waiter - to be squirted up their anus. You are unlikely to find this particular dish on Masterchef.

The roots of their truly alternative activity holiday lie in our modern lifestyle. Some doctors, such as Richard Anderson, inventor of the Clean-Me-Out Programme, claim our high stress existences and over-processed diets - chips, pizzas, burgers - have left us with clogged-up digestive systems. And that, according to advocates of intestinal cleansing, makes us disease time bombs, at increased risk from cancer, heart trouble, infertility, diabetes, premature ageing and, pass the smelling salts this instant, wrinkles.

Their solution is to fast: to put nothing in one end, while simultaneously purifying yourself by propelling significant amounts of liquid up the other. "It's like changing the oil in your car," says Guy Hopkins, the 60-year-old owner of The Spa, whose eyes glint with evangelical zeal when he talks about colonic irrigation. "If you don't do it every so often [your body] isn't going to run that well. We constantly put the wrong fuel in our bodies and, sure, they keep on going, but cleanse yourself and you'll be amazed how much better you'll feel."

A tempting sales pitch, yet when my editor suggested a first-person report, I had grave reservations. As someone whose only concessions to healthy eating had involved switching from butter to olive oil and occasionally cutting the fat off my steak, the fast sounded frankly insane. Then I began hearing about the "lifestyle benefits" of the cleanse, of the 90-degree heat and tropical beaches. Words such as "de-stressing" and "life-changing" were tossed around.

I weakened, dithered and finally relented. The photographer, Anthony, it was agreed, must also fast.

Our preparation began well before we spotted our first palm tree. The Spa recommended we prepared with a fortnight of abstinence from meat, processed foods (adios my daily staples, pasta and bread), milk, cheese, booze, coffee or soft drinks. Instead, our gastric juices were stimulated by salads, fruit, slightly cooked vegetables, herb teas and water.

It wasn't easy. Both Anthony and myself are what might charitably be termed "stocky", enjoying cooking and, more importantly, eating. Within days, food, or lack of it, had become an obsession. We had long phone discussions about interesting ways to grill aubergine; Anthony bragged about his spicy ratatouille. Life was changing.
As the first toxins were expelled and severe caffeine withdrawal set in, I experienced headaches, aching muscles, a lack of energy, and an increasingly short temper. I also faced a new menace: the liver flush drink. Designed to sluice out your system, it's a vile mix of olive oil, raw garlic, and cayenne pepper blended with orange juice. I've no idea if it worked, but my urine turned clear and I always got standing space on the tube.

We stuck rigidly to the diet until disaster struck: an upgrade on the flight to Bangkok. Our willpower collapsed and over the next "lost" 12 hours we demolished peanuts, smoked salmon and oyster mushrooms, roast goose, cheese, port, champagne, Baileys and chocolates.

We had four more days before the fast, but while I got back on track, the photographer went totally off the detox rails. He consumed beer, Pringles, coffee and, as we waited for the Koh Samui connection at the airport, slipped in two Burger King chicken sandwiches, a huge pile of fried onion rings, a large Coke, followed by a chicken dinner on the plane. He was clearly heading for a remarkable first enema.
By the eve of the cleanse, I'd already lost over 2kg, weighing in at 86kg. Anthony was a little heavier, at 91kg. After demolishing an emotional last supper, we met our fellow fasters. They appeared a cosmopolitan crowd, confounding fears of being stranded among the sandals and lentil brigade.

There was Derek James, an engineer from Leeds, and Margaret Barrett, a sales rep from Cambridge, both in their mid-20s and aiming to clean up their acts after "caning it" while working in clubs in Tokyo. Nicky McCulloch, a 27-year-old Australian teacher, hoped to sort out a range of allergies, including wheat and alcohol. She was travelling with Mez Hay, a worm farmer with a shock of blond hair and strident ocker accent. Passionate about Italian food, along with steak, chops and sausages from her parents' farm, Mez admitted she was keeping her friend company and hadn't put in a single second's preparation. "I didn't know about it," she snapped. "Who the hell are you, the bloody fast police?"

Others also had tangible goals, including tackling stomach complaints, severe constipation and mystery lumps. Most were keen to stress - a cynic might say too keen - that losing weight was not the goal. "It's a bit extreme to travel half way round the world just for a diet," argued Mez. "You'd be a bit superficial. Mind you, I wouldn't mind shedding a few pounds."

That didn't promise to be a problem. After checking our pH levels - too low and the fast isn't advisable - we immediately learned that while we wouldn't be eating, a great deal would still pass our lips. The relaxed, stress-free week on the beach would involve a Stalinist adherence to a pill-popping timetable. Each day started with a charming 7am detox cocktail of psyllium husk and bentonite clay. It had the texture of liquid cotton wool, but would be crucial for pushing toxins and garbage through my system.

Ninety minutes later, we had to swallow eight tablets. They looked like rabbit droppings, tasted like rabbit droppings but were, in fact, a mix of chompers (herbal laxatives and cleansers to attack the accumulated gunge in our colons) and herbal nutrients to help compensate for those missed during starvation. We had to repeat these two doses every three hours, every day, with a final handful of pills at 8.30 each night. There was just one more lesson, the small matter of the self-administered enema. Our teacher was the sickeningly lean, tanned resident alternative health expert, Chris Gaya, who appeared to have stepped straight out of a Californian aerobic video. He made the colonic irrigation equipment - bucket, piece of wood, plastic tube, bulldog clip and nozzle - sound like straightforward DIY, although it's unlikely to feature on Blue Peter in the near future.

All we had to do, he informed us, was to lie on the wooden board between a stool (stop giggling at the back) and the toilet basin. There's a hole at one end of the board over the loo; above it a nozzle connects to a tube, which in turn leads to a five-gallon bucket of liquid hanging from the ceiling. We would liberally coat the nozzle, which was the width of a Biro ink tube, with KY jelly, lie back, think of profiteroles with chocolate sauce, and slide on.

Controlling the flow of liquid with a bulldog clip, we were to let it flow until we felt full, before massaging it round the colon (roughly following three sides of a square around the lower belly) and releasing. Fluid would, apparently, be flowing in and out of our backside at the same time. "We'll be on the board for around 40 minutes," cooed Chris. "So let's make ourselves as relaxed as possible. Put on some soft music, light a candle, create a romantic atmosphere."

We clearly took different approaches to seduction. But mastering the enema, once I'd got over muscle-clenching nervousness, really wasn't difficult. I somehow ended up with my right foot half way up the wall, but five gallons went in and out without major trauma. By that night I'd shed another kilo, and although light-headed after 24 hours without food, felt strangely satisfied with the mix of supplements and detox drinks.

Next morning, my first enema of the day down the pan, I sat in the restaurant staring longingly at the menu, and found inspiration in the shape of two women nibbling their post-fast fruit. They exuded some of the rudest health I'd ever seen.

Carol Beauclerk, a "global nomad" with a mop of curly black hair, was a vegetarian, practised yoga, meditated and warmed up for her fast with a 17-day hike in Nepal. At 54, she had the energy and enthusiasm of someone half her age. "This place is really jumping," she enthused. "I'm now hoping to do a week-long fast each year."
Two tables away, scribbling in a diary, was Claire Lyons, a 32-year-old British journalist who had recently completed 21 days without eating. Having not gone near a set of scales, she had no idea how much weight she'd lost, but told me, "I feel great. Once I got past day 10, over the hump, it was surprisingly easy." Claire oozed serenity, but three weeks without food is unlikely to leave anyone hyperactive.
By mid-afternoon, their shining example was all but forgotten. I was feeling awful. Tired, lethargic, simply lousy. Having not eaten for 36 hours my body was apparently going into detox mode. Margaret, who had felt nauseous since waking, had actually thrown up, and was questioning her motivation. Nicky, meanwhile, had produced "something about nine inches long, it was very dark, very scary".

Things were no better for Mez. Already ravenous, she was spending an inordinate amount of time sniffing around plates of steaming Thai curry in the restaurant. She had also failed to grasp the basics of colonic irrigation. Instead of letting the liquid flow out, she had taken a massive amount in - until she was about to burst - before struggling to sit on the toilet and release it. "I had a huge stomach," she gasped. "I was thinking, this must be wrong. If anyone can take the whole bucket in one go, they're sensational." I made a mental note to watch out for spectacular explosions from chalet six.

It wasn't all bad news, however. I discovered we were allowed the luxury of a daily bowl of vegetable broth. It made me pathetically happy, savouring every drop as if it were a Gordon Ramsay creation. Filling perhaps, but it did little to halt the weight loss, and by the end of day two, a further two kilos had vanished.

By next morning, tiredness had been added to my hunger. I seemed to have been up half the night on the loo, the result of drinking a copious amount of fluid.My bodily functions had also taken a turn for the truly bizarre. I experienced flu-like symptoms as I started to expel 36 years' worth of toxins with headaches and aching muscles; my nose ran constantly, my eyes were sore and weepy, my ears waxy. I felt like something out of The Omen. I had also plucked up the nerve to put a colander down the toilet. Close examination showed I had passed several feet of long brown string that shimmered as if subtly illuminated by a photographer's light.

And I wasn't alone. Margaret had picked through her colander with chopsticks to reveal yellow fatty chunks, Mez had filled hers to the brim with brown stringy "chicken skin" mucus ("We're talking litres"), as had Derek, whose output included a strip about eight inches long, while Anthony described his as "patchy, like rabbit droppings". Similar surreal conversations with virtual strangers became the norm, achieving levels of intimacy beyond the range of couples who have been together for years. Perhaps avoiding frank discussion of bowel movements is one secret of a long-lasting relationship.

That night, as I escaped the dense tropical warmth, and flicked through books on diet and nutrition in The Spa's library, I discovered a remarkable document: The Healthview Newsletter. Inside, octogenarian bowel specialist, V E Irons, attempted the Herculean task of selling colonic irrigation on its erotic potential. I would lose my frigidity, he promised, my sex life would go stratospheric.

"How could anyone fully enjoy sex when he has up to 15 years of encrusted fecal matter and mucus in his colon?" asked Irons. "HE CAN'T - and HE WON'T. If you want to remain sexually potent for your entire life, start cleaning your colon today. I'm 87, and I still enjoy sex. And if I can at my age, I know you can at your age... so get on with it!" It was of little consolation to Mez, whose hunger had now assumed epic proportions. She was considering eating her apricot moisturiser, she told me.

That night produced the most vivid dreams of my life, a typical symptom of detox, with blockages disappearing from the mind as well as the body: I'd attacked Vietcong gun positions in a hot air balloon, I'd played golf with exploding balls, I'd been savaged by a grizzly bear. Other guests' dreams were more grounded in reality: Anthony and Mez had raided their parents' fridges, with the worm farmer devouring steak, potatoes and cheese sauce.

And some simply begged for the psychiatrist's couch. Nicky, who in reality sees her divorced father only sporadically, dreamed he had turned into her boyfriend. Freud would have enjoyed that. Indeed, in private conversations with guests, well away from my notebook, many fasters admitted to having recently split up, or having travelled to Koh Samui to get a long-distance perspective on relationships. I had unwittingly stumbled on Relate-On-Sea.

There was further physical fall-out, too. Day four was supposedly the worst of the week, with toxins expelled through the skin and lungs, as well as the kidney and colon. I didn't disappoint. My nose, ears and eyes deteriorated, my sinuses throbbed, I was yet more sluggish. It felt like a beer, wine and whisky hangover. Increasingly strange things appeared in our colanders. Derek was shocked to find rubbery nuggets, Mez had found black oval shapes "up to five inches long", my offering had an almost luminous green tint.

As if to celebrate crossing the halfway point of the week, many of us switched enema solutions. Abandoning coffee and vinegar, I flamboyantly opted for garlic, claimed to get rid of parasites. It seemed as natural as ordering gin and tonic instead of margarita, but when I casually told my girlfriend in a telephone call to London, there was a long silence. "Are you aware how tenuous your grip is on reality?" she asked. "Are you with a cult?"

I clearly needed to get out more. Many people hadn't left The Spa for days, it was developing its own micro-culture. But when I summoned up the energy to sip mineral water in a bar in nearby Lamai town, I felt instant paranoia. The lights, the noise, the crowds, the smell of food. It was a world in which I didn't belong.

I returned to the womb to find new guests. John Twigg, a burly 37-year-old Kiwi, had prepared by drinking more wine. "It's made of grapes," he argued. "Grapes are vegetables, so what's the problem?" He was joined by the Lycra-clad Mimi and Dave Hatherley from Fairbanks, Alaska, who had an unnerving habit of finishing each other's sentences. Forty-two-year-old Mimi ran, biked and did step classes five times a week; Dave, 43, ran, skied, hiked, climbed and mountain biked. They were both "into vitamins and nutrition" and while fasting were also exercising hard because "the results will be better". After talking to them, I felt strangely giddy.

My mood and physical condition, however, were about to go through a dramatic change. By lunch - sorry, by the second dose of herbal laxatives - on day five, my nose, eyes and ears had cleared, and I had more energy. Remarkably, without nibbling a single shred of food for 120 hours, the irrigation still washed out huge amounts of gunk.

I passed six-inch strips of gristle and what appeared to be large chunks of fillet steak. I don't know how I ever afforded them, let alone swallowed them.
At least I could contribute to the increasingly competitive enema discussions. Someone had always passed something harder, brighter, more bizarre. Margaret's chopsticks had unearthed some gristle, about a foot long, and hard, black pellets. She was so impressed she took a photograph. A few chalets away, Mez had passed "rubbery brown, fat worms" with a strange purple glaze, which she insisted on showing to me in her bathroom. But the clear winner was Anthony's 22-year-old marble. Perhaps the most bizarre thing, which I didn't appreciate until days later, is that it all seemed perfectly normal at the time.

When I next bumped into Alaska Dave, he was jogging rapidly between the restaurant and his chalet. As panpipe music played in the background and he told me about today's three-mile hike, I noticed he wore a strange electrical device. It was a zapper that emitted an electrical current to kill parasites, and carried the printed warning: "For research only. Not approved for use on humans." Even for The Spa, that clearly wasn't normal.

The improvement continued into day six. A nearly detoxified brain and bloodstream meant I awoke clear-headed, and full of energy. The enemas now produced less, but it was darker and harder as the fast broke away the older, more ingrained plaque.
It was the same story the next day. Our bodies seemed to reflect a mood of demob happiness. I had rarely felt so healthy, so energised, in my adult life. That didn't, however, mean the end of the bizarre revelations. John passed "something from an alien movie" into his colander - and then videoed it for his office colleagues. He was joined by an outsized oil worker, Pipeline Pete, embarking on his 10th fast. "The first time I came," he boasted, "they needed to dig three cesspits."

And there were more. Early that evening, I found Mez huddled over a well-thumbed tome in the library. "Jesus, have you read some of these?" she groaned, handing me a book of ex-guests' awed testaments. "I'd have bet £1,000 my bowels were clean," wrote Chris Markvert, 67, "seldom have I been so surprised." "Great pooing," said Roy from San Francisco, "the best month of my young life." And RTM contributed seven pages of increasingly manic scrawl, which included interesting facts about the Vikings.
It also contained graphic photographs of people's enemas, footnotes in The Spa's history to go alongside stories of legendary guests, such as the alcoholic whose detox included hiding whisky bottles and wandering naked into neighbouring resorts; and "Kathmandu Joan", who fasted for 140 days over two and a half years, passing over 70 green and black "buttons" and clearing up an abdominal disorder.

We couldn't compete with that, but by the morning of day eight, the fast was being credited with impressive results. It had, people claimed, got rid of allergies; removed worrying lumps that had necessitated appointments with gynaecologists; eased severe period pains and sinus problems; helped people lose kilograms while improving their skin and strengthening their nails. I'd lost well over 6kg, had an indecent amount of energy and, as people kept observing, had developed unnaturally bright eyes. I wasn't aware they were cloudy before, but felt I had earned some flattery after 14 enemas and no food for roughly 170 hours, 35 minutes and four seconds. The cost of the seven-day programme, by the way, is £184, and accommodation in a chalet for the week adds another £60 or so.

The first post-fast meal of papaya made my toes curl with pleasure, but, as George Bernard Shaw observed, "Any fool can fast, but it takes a wise man to break a fast properly." Raw fruit and vegetables should be the order of the next three days, but within hours Anthony had consumed two Snickers bars and a fish supper. It appeared to have no ill effects. They came 24 hours later. After demolishing piles of local prawns, we unwisely sipped a shot of Mekong whisky. Toxins tasted good, very good indeed. So good in fact, that by midnight, we had drunk a bottle each. The next morning, on the beach, my glasses were smashed, toxins pulsing around my bloodstream, the hangover indescribable.

But the week was not wasted. As a nutritional Philistine, I was inspired to read more, to learn some basic lessons. It's hardly double-blind scientific research, but I defy anyone to examine a post-irrigation colander with its chunks of apparently undigested family roast and not make some small changes to their diet. I love meat; the smell, the taste, the texture, but now it only makes a rare appearance on my plate.

Frankly, even that's too much for the gurus of cleansing, who believe a truly health diet revolves around fruit, vegetables, nuts and pulses - the more that's raw or steamed the better. Along with fish, they've become the staples of my diet. If I occasionally lapse - and nothing will make me give up Christmas turkey or goose - a flashback to The Spa reins me in.

While I'll take caffeine, alcohol and chocolate to the grave, I've also cut back on most dairy and wheat products. It might make me the dining companion from hell, but I do, at least, have the stories. People are constantly appalled yet fascinated by the idea of cleansing, and for some masochistic reason, demand the grim details between starter and main course. As they wait for their medium rare fillet or pork Dijonnaise, they crane forward to hear more about the decaying contents of people's colons.

As for Anthony, he never considered giving up meat. Or cream sauces. Certainly not Snickers. Life, as he sees it, is too short. And who am I to argue? But remember, this is the man who has lost his marble.

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Catherine Tate's Nan appearing on Deal or No Deal

I stumbled upon this clip the other day, its the Nan character from the Catherine Tate show appearing on Deal or No Deal for comic relief or something. Its pretty funny and even Noel is doing his bit at the start

Nan on Deal or no deal

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Beer Pong video

Well I have never heard of the game Beer pong until today and I have to admit it doesn’t seem the most exciting game but the crowd were getting into it and the athletes were giving it their all. It doesn't seem there is enough boozing for my liking and I'm not really a big fan of people throwing things in my beer

WSOBP III: Finals - part 1

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Saturday, January 12, 2008

Pictures of Paris Hiltons arse

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Friday, January 11, 2008

We are running out of helium

I heard on the radio last week that we are currently running out of Helium at a quite alarming rate and within 8-20 years it will all be gone. Now initially you might not think this is very important and we can probably survive without floating balloons. That is exactly what I thought but then found out helium is used all over the shops from Deep Sea diving to MRI scans to numourous scientific experiements. In fact I was a little shocked at the way we are currently wasting such a limited resource.

this proves all:

This article explains why Helium is running out

may explain something which I found a bit confusing today e.g. why is helium becoming scarce, well the quote below explains it

“Helium is the second most abundant element in the universe but it is so light and fast-moving that it's able to escape from the Earth's pull of gravity and leaks away. Instead, the chief source of helium is from natural gas where the element is trapped by the rock surrounding the deposit.”

E.g its so light it escapes the Earths pull of gravity and would thus explain why it isn’t regenerating perhaps. Also it’s a natural gas trapped by the rock surrounding the deposit, which is how we can currently harvest it (or how ever we get it)

I also found this article

So get hoarding balloons etc because the will be very valuable in 10/20 years time and the squeaky voice trick will really be impressive.

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Zelda Parody

Over Christmas I was playing my nephews DS Zelda game, awesome stuff, The Zelda games rock. It reminded me how good and familar the Zelda story and game is. Anyway here are some parodies of Zelda

the legend of zelda real life

The Legend of Zelda: A Pain in my Ass (Part 1 of 2)

Zelda Spoof - The Legend of Neil 1

This one is thirty minutes long and takes a while to get going

Legend of Zelda: Parody of Time

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Comedy Review - The Office (American version)

Review - The Office (American version)

As the new year has arrived I have been on the lookout for some new comedy to watch. I noticed that one channel was showing the American Office so I thought I would tune in to see what it was like. I did have some misgivings about the American Office because I haven’t seen any good shows the American’s copied from an English original, especially considering the documentary nature of the office. One of the reasons I would attribute to quality of the show is Steven Merchant and Ricky Gervais were executive producers on the few episodes I have seen so far and I think they have made sure the core qualities of the show are intact.

I was pleasantly surprised at how good the show was, the office building itself is exactly the same, the names of all the main characters have been Americanised to Michael Scott (Brent), Jim (Tim), Dwight (Gareth), Pamela (Dawn) and the rest of the gang plus there are new American characters. All the characters have all been slightly twisted and pinched into American versions but they all look like general office workers and for people who have seen the English version of the Office its an added bonus having new characters to get to know.

The David Brent character is played by Steve Carrel (40 year old Virgin, Anchorman) and he is brilliant, his character is a bit more human and a more sad and overall the character is more believable. The other actors all do a good job and its interesting to make comparisons of such a popular show.

What I realised whilst watching the American Office is what a good show it is and particularly the setting and filming style of the Office, I always felt it was a pity there were so few episodes of the Office in England but later on the show was hyped up so much I think the writers wanted to leave it before they disappointed people with a bad episode. This is one of the key reasons I enjoy the American Office, it’s a very enjoyable lo fi comedy without silly repeating catchphrases. The other excellent point of the American Office is it has lots of completely new episodes.

I don’t think the American version is quite as in depth as the English office, which is layered with lots of little jokes you don’t get first time round but this works to the shows advantage because you can sit down and enjoy the show for what it is, which is light hearted feel good entertainment. To augment the lo fi style of the American Office is the feeling that you are not sure what is going to happen because the other non Brent characters are often driving the plot as well as the Brent character, plus it’s not Gervais focusing all the attention on Brent.

The few episodes I have seen saw Michael Scott (Brent) arrange the Dundies (the company is called Dunder Mifflin) and then hands out boring awards to all the workers, who describe the Dundies as “like a childrens party, you don’t want to go but you can’t leave because the child is so happy”. The other episodes have seen a fire happen in the Office (which Michael Scott legs it out first, to show equality to women) and the last episode I saw was the Office Olympics.

I have been enjoying the show so much I am tempted to dig out my Office (English version) to compare the two different shows and I think they are both good shows in their own different ways, I definitely recommend watching the show as its the best thing on the TV at the moment.

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Worst Records Ever

A buddy at work said he use to listen to a show from Kenny Everett called ‘Worlds Worst Record Show’ on Yeuchy Green Vinyl in 1978 I’ve been searching out those songs

The album’s contents came from Kenny’s Worlds Worst Wireless Show on Capital that you can hear here:

Tremendous stuff – they’re so bad they’re good!. Here are my particular favourites (if you can stand them)...

Jock Swon & the Metres New wave band

Telly Savalas You've lost that lovin feelin

Mrs Miller Lovers Concerto

Jess Conrad Why am i living ?

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Comedy Review - Star Stories – Series one

Star Stories – Series one

I remember seeing the adverts for the show when it was on TV but I never seemed to caught any of the episodes, so I was pleasantly surprised to find it was very funny when I watched this on DVD last week. The premise of the show is each episode is a story of a Celebrity (Star) or Celebrity Couple and then it takes you through a part of their life. If like me you are a wary of shows which do “impressions” because they usually consist of someone doing a good impression but with a script that stinks more than a full nappy from a baby feed solely on a diet of sprouts and Kebabs. Well fear yer not my friends this show suffers from none of that because the cast only have a passing resemblance to the stars. The result of having dodgy looking doppelgangers enhances the show because the show works on the strengths of story telling and quality comic acting, it also seems much more amusing and adds to the fun of guessing who they are.

Half of the show is selecting what star story you are going to choose and the list is

David & Victoria: Our Story, George Michael: Watch Without Prejudice Vol 1, Catherine Zeta Jones: 'Her Quest to Prove Herself... and Also Find Love', Madonna: The Wife's Life, Brad and Jen Aniston: The One Where Jen's Husband Dumps Her for a Total Bitch nifer, Sadie Frost 'Her Side of the Story'. I found the David and Victoria and George Michael episodes easily the best ones. The other stories are good but I don’t know if it was the underlying story of the stars or whether I didn’t find those stars as interesting.

The David and Victoria episode is fantastic, The characters are also distorted versions of originals, it’s the kind of characters that would result if the League of Gentlemen did something like this, they are all a little grotesque or odd in some way or another. Daisy Beaument plays Victoria Beckham brilliantly (and later Evil Angelina Jolie) and really masters the looking and pouting. Beckham is a slightly chubby Oliver Maltman which makes it deliciously silly. Kevin Bishop (comedy sketch show out later this year) plays a deranged Alex Ferguson and completely steals the show.

Bishop in the next episode plays George Michael and easily the best performer over the whole series. The George Michael episode highlights what the series does well, it treats the stories with good mix of silliness and satirical fun by twisting the story and the characters in it to make them unexpectedly entertaining and unusual. There are also film references dropped in for you to look out for, in this episode Boy George keeps popping up like the women in the horror film The Ring and telling everyone George is a gay. I really like the writing for this show and although the later episodes are not as good as the early ones, the writers work hard to make a story about Sadie Frost entertaining. It’s the small bits they add like Bono, Paul Weller and Sting threatening to beat up George Michael because his lyrics are serious enough and then in comes Bob Geldof shouting “give me your money” and “your not bigger than the Boom town rats” and everyone ignoring Midge Ure.

The final episode about Jennifer and Brad Pitt was very funny and the parody of Friends was spot on the money. In the episode Angelina Jolie is a vampire preying on the men and Brad Pitt is seen going out with every leading lady he does a film with before taking advice from Anthony Hopkins. The Madonna episode was a bit average but is kept entertaining by Bishops impression of Sean Penn.

Overall I enjoyed the series and I think it could be improved by choosing better subject matter because the writers are excellent and the acting was very good as well. I’m glad to hear that there is a second series on the way and four of those shows have been shown on TV already and hopefully they will be repeated, so keep you eyes peeled to make sure you catch it if it sneaks onto the TV schedules again.

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Are you havinng a roast for xmas!!!!!

I have no idea what the hell this is about but in some local paper they asked people if they would be having a roast dinner for xmas, man alive I wouldn't not like to live their

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Funny David Blaine Parody

One of my buddies sent me this today and I thought it was pretty funny and put it here

David Blaine Parody part 1

David Blaine Parody Part 2

David Blaine Street Magic Part 3

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pictures of Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft

I watched the second Lara Croft film this week and it was very daft but fairly enjoyable. There was one really funny scene where Lara was trapped in an under water tomb and the baddies had destroyed her propeller thing. So she cut her arm, took a deep breath and swam out. Then a Shark came along, did one lap and then attacked her, Croft punched the shark on the nose and then got a lift on his back to the top of the sea, brilliant.

Watching Angelina jump about dressed as Lara is good whatever the plot

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