Thursday, May 10, 2007

Amusing IT Stories - Episode 25 - Everything popular is wrong

I like to start with a nice thank Amusing IT stories its friday picture. It has to capture the magical friday feeling and this my boy and girl is it

and this picture is to morn the death of the cassette, just look at its face, its so cute.

You must send in more stuff to me you feckin burgers, I had to spend a couple of hours finding half of this load of old tosh, its not good enough you deserve better

STILL HAVENT FOUND WHAT THEY ARE LOOKING FOR

Daniel Vincent accountant
cracker barrel razer
ruined orgasm story fart
drunk by the pool mpg hoax
Freddy Shepherd quotes prefer blondes
femdom unemployed husbands
stories on masterbating
camel toes
outline of a camel
wedgie and spanking
chas n dave any old iron free download
the versions of thebeersong
063.wmv
my husband looks sweet in his made to measure pvc schoolgirl outfit
Toronto Star Syndicate Chuckle Brothers
spurs lasagna chant lyrics

MR C’s NEWSROUND

MORE BLAMES WOMAN FOR RUBBISH TV

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6634255.stm

Harry Potter hoax

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2321848.html

Bush winks at queen

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2321903.html?menu=news.quirkies.quirkygaffes

musical comdoms

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2019582.html?menu=news.quirkies.sexlife

Robson green had to use a fake willy

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2240591.html?menu=news.quirkies.showbizquirkies

Jealous husbands brands bottom of wife

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2109917.html?menu=news.quirkies.rockyrelationships

Belgium stripping beer

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2285679.html?menu=news.quirkies.badtaste

storm over chocolate jesus

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2264996.html?menu=news.quirkies.badtaste

line em up and let em go

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6624343.stm

south park kill the queen

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2264849.html?menu=news.quirkies.badtaste

HASSLEHOFF

So impressed with Hasslehoff last week and having been sent the clip about five times I thought I would have a look at a good uplifting Hasslehoff song

Hooked on a feeling

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQVlVHsFF8&mode=related&search=

Secret agent man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKuQXGrFSQ0&mode=related&search=

This is brilliant, its like a hasslehoff meets Jason and the Argonauts and then think of the scene with the fighting skeletons

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC-dwjrinK0&mode=related&search=

Its quite fitting that Hasslehoff was in a space film called – Star Crash

Here is a trailer, this is two years after stars was released, its basically a really bad rip off. Exquisite viewing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC-dwjrinK0&mode=related&search=

the most powerful weapon in the galaxy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCvk547NqFU

starcrash – akton versus thor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOh7qOL3Hdk&mode=related&search=

how the hell can you miss hasslehoffs massive barnet

akton versus some golums

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDrbbe7lgyE&mode=related&search=

I felt duty bound to look up Starcrash on imdb

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079946/

it has one of the best reviews of a film I have ever read

When I first saw this film, back in 1979, my wife & I were 2 of 5 people in the theater at 7:00 on a Friday night. We were about to walk out when Carolyn Munro was sentenced to mine Radium in a bikini for the rest of her natural life. At that point, there was no way to get me out of there.

The remarkable thing about this movie is that every time you think "that is the most ridiculous plot device ever..." something else comes along that blows your socks off. About mid way thru I could not quit laughing. For instance, our heroine sets a ship on collision course with the Evil Count's space fortress. To save herself, at the last second before the catacylismic collision, SHE JUMPS OUT OF THE WINDOW! And then does the BREAST STROKE! through OUTER SPACE! Oh My God! I can't stop laughing!

Bottom Line, this movie is WAY funnier than many that TRY to be funny (Spaceballs, Ice Pirates, etc.)

Translate (yes probably swear words and insults) into other languages

http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/tts_tran_example.php?sitepal

The Radio CASSETTE IS DEAD

This week Currys or dixons has decided it isn’t going to sell the poor old cassette anymore. What about all those poor car radios??

The bbc has 10 things to do with cassettes

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6634727.stm

in honour of the cassette lets have a look on wikipedia to see how it all came about

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compact_audio_cassette

it brings back some memories when it talks about the different lengths 30, 60, 90 or the rare 120. It also has a bit on the right protect. Here is the main bit

The Compact Cassette, often referred to as audio cassette, cassette tape, cassette, or simply tape, is a magnetic tape sound recording format. Although it was originally intended as a medium for dictation, improvements in fidelity led the Compact Cassette to supplant reel-to-reel tape recording in most non-professional applications.^[1] Its uses ranged from portable audio to home recording to data storage for early microcomputers. Between the 1970s and early 1990s, the cassette was one of the three most common formats for prerecorded music, alongside the LP and later the Compact Disc.^[2]

Compact Cassettes consist of two miniature spools, between which a magnetic tape is passed and wound. These spools and their attendant parts are held inside a protective plastic shell. Two stereo pairs of tracks (four total) or two monaural audio tracks are available on the tape; one stereo pair or one monophonic track is played or recorded when the tape is moving in one direction and the second pair when moving in the other direction. This reversal is achieved either by manually flipping the cassette or by having the machine itself change the direction of tape movement ("auto-reverse").^[3]

IS MASTERBATING NORMAL

What a question to ask a load of random people on the internet

http://isitnormal.com/story/7722/

masterbating

i am a 15 year old teen girl and i was wondering i old should i be to masterbate. and how should i do it?

thannks

Here are the answers

Comments (4)

Nodo_TheRanter (5564)

2007-02-16 13:59:56

SINNER.

DrSham (5677)

2007-02-16 14:05:00

Start now. Wanking is great

sisophous (3738)

2007-02-16 14:14:13

If you have a library card, take a trip to a large public library and do a search on masturbation. There are loads of books written by experts on this topic. Most books are sorted in the same area so it should be very easy to locate them. Check out of the library ones that seem interesting. If you do not have a library card, ask an adult to help you get one.

As to how old you have to be, there is no specific age, just do so in private.

Nodo_TheRanter (5564)

2007-02-16 14:31:01

Yeah, make sure to have a big stack of books on wanking in the public library... I'm sure that won't cause a scene.

Google is your friend.

FAMOUS QUOTES

This week I have some oscar wilde quotes for ya, which come from here

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/o/oscar_wilde.html

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
Oscar Wilde

A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.
Oscar Wilde

A true friend stabs you in the front.
Oscar Wilde

Ah, well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Oscar Wilde

All art is quite useless.
Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
Oscar Wilde

At 46 one must be a miser; only have time for essentials.
Oscar Wilde

Consistency is the last resort of the unimaginative.
Oscar Wilde

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Oscar Wilde

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
Oscar Wilde

Everything popular is wrong.
Oscar Wilde

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.
Oscar Wilde

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
Oscar Wilde

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
Oscar Wilde

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde

I am not young enough to know everything.
Oscar Wilde

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde

I have nothing to declare except my genuis.
Oscar Wilde

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Oscar Wilde

Spam of the week

I still don’t really understand what its about but here it is

Philadelphia, PA – April 1, 2007 – According to the March 28th
Philadelphia Inquirer, giant toxic toads are running all over
Australia, threatening innocent animals and small children.

It turns out that the toads were brought to Australia by the British
back in the 1930s when the land Down Under was under the colonial yoke
of imperialism.

The Brits thought the toads would eat beetles, so they could rape even
more from their colonial plantations on land that they stole from the
Aborigines.

Well, what else would you expect from the country that invented global warming!

Just another reason we demand reparations!

Find out all the truths about the British in "The Evil Empire: 101
Ways That England Ruined The World," in bookstores and online April
23rd, 2007. Visit www.evilempirebook.com for a sneak preview, press
and enhanced features.

About The International Coalition for British Reparations
The International Coalition for British Reparations (ICBR) is a think
tank of British foreign policy headquartered in Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania, the city where America's split with Britain began in
1776. Founded on July 4, 2006, we have members all over the world.

Amsterdam Rob’s Hot ones

Guy catches glasses with face

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-prfAENSh2k

Mario game over

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpBGRA6HHtY

Men need girlfriends

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYNliXh91KQ

domino pcs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_tXcRYOYZ0

seinfeld favourite moments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61aQCQy5e6M&mode=related&search=

paris Hilton crying

http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/104224/Paris_Hilton_Crying_About_Jail.html?rh=3

RETRO GAME - JAMES POND

This weeks retro game is James Pond on the Amiga. It’s a classic game, with awesome music. I played it (with the cheat on naturally) but I don’t know if I actually liked it. Still in my day its all we had, not like these days kids have it so easy blah blah blah.

here is some gumf from wikip (short for wikipedia, I can't be arsed to keep typing it out)

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Pond

Just looking at this you wonder what twisted sleeve of a brain can come up with this stuff

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpBGRA6HHtY

I AM SPARTACUS

So we have all seen the film and seen people to a comedy version of saying “I’m spartacus” but who is spartacus. Yes, you are thinking now, all we know about old Sparty we learnt from an American film, oops. So do your homework properly, look on wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spartacus

here is a summary for those of you who can’t be bothered

Spartacus (ca. 120 BC^[1] – ca. 70 BC, at the end of the Third Servile War), according to Roman historians, was a gladiator-slave who became the alleged leader of an unsuccessful slave uprising against the Roman Republic. Little is known about Spartacus beyond the events of the Third Servile War, and the historical accounts that survive of the war are sketchy and often contradictory. Spartacus' struggle, often perceived as the struggle of an oppressed people fighting for their freedom against a large powerful State, has found new meaning for modern writers since the 19th century. The figure of Spartacus, and his rebellion, has become an inspiration to many modern literary and political writers, who have made the character of Spartacus an ancient/modern folk hero.

The Worst Song lyrics ever

http://www.bbc.co.uk/6music/events/lyrical/top10.shtml

GOOGLISM

This strikes me as exactly the kind of thing clogging up the internet pipes already.

A website of such pointlessness I felt duty bound to put on the blog, it reminds me of when I watched the film the village, it was so rubbish I felt angry and what’s more I wanted someone else to watch it so they too could be punished.

Anyway don’t get me started on the village (beep beep beep mother beep) right here is the website

http://www.googlism.com/

Googlism.com will find out what Google.com thinks of you, your friends or anything! Search for your name here or for a good laugh check out some of the popular Googlisms below.

Why can’t you just type what ever you want to know into google!!!!

CLASSIC INTERNET JOKE

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The
woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adon is whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So,

KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world. The frog said, "That will make your husband richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and

what'shis is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down......................

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're
really smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show! PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!

XBOX360 NERDY BIT

I have just got “online” with the xbox360 and I am geeking it up and getting thrashed by little shits all over the world.

Anyway Mr C said Command and Conquer 3 was good and here is a review

http://uk.gamespot.com/xbox360/strategy/commandconquer3/review.html?sid=6170279

10 most controversial adverts of all time

if you added another 90 onto this, you have a channel 4 Sunday evening show on your hands, oh don’t forget to throw in a load of unknown celebrities to talk about space hoppers and tell you where they were when they first saw the adverts, WANKERS, especially that little angry one who was on the world twice or something

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6640005.stm

as always it’s the comments that are better than the article, here are few of Hoskys hot ones, so lets start bringing out words like do gooders and has the world gone mad

I think the world has gone mad, people need to realise that there are more important issues in the world than a TV/Magazine advert.

Too many do-gooders in the country now with no real idea on what happens in the real world. Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Sarcasm is supposed to be the 'highest form of intelligence'.....just enjoy it and take it for what it is! They are ADS for gods sake! Get a life, or better still, go to Africa and help the starving, that way they will all be helping real people in the real world and won't have time to worry about a few TV Ads!!

With regards to advert number 10, why do people believe that a brief kiss between two men is unsuitable viewing? I'd rather my children saw a brief kiss between two same sex people than the tongue action shown on some children/teen programmes and soaps!

I have not seen many of these ads but the Carphone warehouse is very annoying!!!

I don't normally write in to complain... and today is no different.

IM GOING TO BRING SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THIS COMMENT BECAUSE I WANT YOU PEOPLE NOT TO UNDERESTIMATE IDIOTS

I've not seen most of these ads but must say the Kellogg's ad worried me. I'm not stupid, but I couldn't be sure it was faked.

MSN MADNESS

Il Commendatori says:

so are you a gears of war king now?

young ken bonobi says:

no I'm complete bollocks

Il Commendatori says:

haha

young ken bonobi says:

got my arse handed to me on a plate

Il Commendatori says:

there are 13yr old pimply faced kids in USA beating you

young ken bonobi says:

its just lucky I didnt have the headset so i could hear what those little f*ckers were saying

Il Commendatori says:

and japanese 30yr olds living with their mum who will never leave home

Il Commendatori says:

you can't compete

young ken bonobi says:

my mum was joining a guild in world of warcraft

Il Commendatori says:

wtf!

Il Commendatori says:

your mum plays warcraft

Il Commendatori says:

mine can't text

young ken bonobi says:

she had to go for an interview

young ken bonobi says:

on the game

young ken bonobi says:

yesterday she said she went looting with this 13 year old, who was rubbish and kept getting lost

young ken bonobi says:

MWHAHAHAHAHAA

Il Commendatori says:

it's a mad mad world

young ken bonobi says:

crazy crazy

BAD LYRICS

I was struggling to think of some bad lyrics with amusing video, so I just typed in 80's music and hey presto the look of love popped up. The video is mental

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2Hkc-ZTr9M

here is the lyrics

The Look of Love - ABC

When your world is full of strange arrangements
And gravity won't pull you through
You know you're missing out on something
Well that something depends on you

All I'm saying
It takes a lot to love you
All I'm doing
You know it's true
All I mean now
There's one thing, yes one thing, that turns this gray sky to blue

CHORUS:
That's the look, that's the look
The look of love
That's the look, that's the look
The look of love
That's the look, that's the look
The look of love

When your girl has left you out on the pavement (goodbye)
Then your dreams fall apart at the seams
Your reason for living's your reason for leaving
Don't ask me what it means

Who got the look
I don't know the answer to that question
Where's the look
If I knew I would tell you
What's the look
Look for your information
Yes there's one thing, the one thing that still holds true
What's that

CHORUS

If you judge a book by the cover
Then you judge the look by the lover
I hope you'll soon recover
Me, I go from one extreme to another

And all my friends just might ask me
They say, "Martin, maybe one day you'll find true love"
And I say, "Maybe there must be a solution to
The one thing, the one thing we can't find"

That's the look, that's the look
Sisters and brothers
That's the look, that's the look
Should help each other
That's the look, that's the look
Oh oh oh
Heavens above
That's the look, that's the look
Hip hip hooray ay
That's the look, that's the look
Yippie ai yippee aiay
That's the look, that's the look
Be lucky in love
Look of love

OLD SCHOOL 2

I liked old school because when I watched it made me want to go out boozing. One time me and Mr C watched old school and then went out boozing after, went into SNOBS, drank turbo vodka's which is double vodka with an orange reef and then couldn't remember anything after 30 minutes of going in.

http://www.ifitsmovies.com/2007/05/08/luke-wilson-ready-for-old-school-2/

Still that was better than this week where we went into snobs and 3 of the 5 people were sick and I was sick on the dance floor, the shame

here are the comments from my buddies

Hat's off to Hosko

for drinking loads of vodka red bulls in 10 minutes
and then redecorating snobs dance floor with his stomach contents

TADAAAAA

I'd like to pick up on a couple of points there.

1) "I was busy"....please elaborate on this you ladykiller you Webb. Did you chew your arm off at 7am in some Alum Rock student dive when you awoke next to Bridezilla. Or did you find yourself gently nudged by a hung nubile student beauty around lunchtime as she got back from bringing you a maccy d's to your pad in erdington?

2) The house always wins. Amen to that. When the world is going to hell in a handbag around you, and the boundaries of reality feel as if they are crashing around your head. You can rely on Snobes to deliver.

Good work soldiers! (next time get phone cam pictures)

WEBB wrote:

Those are BIG questions and deserve answers, see below.

----- Original Message ----
From: Dunny

Subject: Re: Murder on the dance floor? Nope it' chunder

The Big Questions:

Were any innocent women and children (students) hurt?
By the vomit? No.

Were any of the Mercia posse caught in the cross-splatter?
I believe Kirky was sitting next to him on the step

Did Hosko continue to use the dancefloor?
Not to my knowledge. I was, errrr, busy.

Did anybody else?

Yes.

Did the bouncers eject him, or did he prove the rule that it's impossible to be thrown out of (or denied entry to) Snobs?

The latter. Though me and Kirky last saw him and his workmate going arm in arm up the stairs towards the exit. They were trying to keep each other standing I think. 1 vomit each was their final score, I do believe neither of them made it to the bog. The other chap was a Snobs Newbie, who was a bit cocky when we entered, didn't show the place enough respect. "it's just a club".

The House always wins.

I had one text from Chopper stating

SNOBS IS A HARSH MISTRESS

WHAT A FECKIN GOAL

this is the brilliant kind of goal Jimmy Hill would say is rubbish because he should have used his other foot

http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/2007/05/greatest_goal_e.html

the bad haircuts of Beckham

bad haircuts

Womans football, its wierd its like they can't even turn normally

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLrkM1n-I6g&mode=related&search=

EMAIL JOKE

Email jokes, the dad jokes of the internet, here is a prime example

Two fonts walk into the bar, and the barman says, "sorry lads, we
don't serve your type".

here is another beauty

Guy walks into a doctors and says he thinks he's going deaf?

Doctor says, ' what are the symptoms'?

Man says, 'a cartoon family with yellow faces.....why? '

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Amusing IT Stories - Episode 24 - I like a man who grins when he fights

Welcome my little goosebumps and pickled eggs, how is the clan of hungry readers today. Sorry I came over all Harry Hill then, Garibaldi. Garibaldi.

what word shall I use to boost the blogs search rankings. This week I thought I would mention the word funny

lets start as I mean to go on with an amusing picture, especially as people love funny pictures

INTERNET JOKE

This was sent in by Big Mo. This sign was found in a family planning clinic

MR C's NEWSROUND

Women 'tricked into sex' by penis cream treatment

http://thisispembrokeshire.net/display.var.1351648.0.woman_tricked_into_sex_by_*****_cream_treatment.php

man charged for spending misplaced money

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20070427/ap_on_fe_st/finders_keepers_2

Body-in-boot mother found wearing rubber fetish gear with chains

http://www.thisislondon.co.uk/news/article-23394107-details/Body-in-boot+mother+found+wearing+rubber+fetish+gear+with+chains/article.do

first date sex is the best

http://www.thesun.co.uk/article/0,,2-2007190505,00.html

and it must be true because a scientist said it

"SLEEPING with someone on a first date can INCREASE chances of a long-term relationship, a biologist claims."

Rats the size of dogs!!

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2312143.html

George says no kids Brad

http://www.ananova.com/entertainment/story/sm_2314974.html

Teen run over by tractor, twice

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2314990.html?menu=news.quirkies

Harrys troops do a spartacus

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2314885.html?menu=news.quirkies

many brits prefer longer life to sex

most of them of course don't actually have the choice

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2006571.html?menu=news.quirkies.sexlife

http://www.bbc.co.uk/mediaselector/check/player/nol/newsid_6510000/newsid_6512200?redirect=6512205.stm&news=1&bbram=1&nbram=1&nbwm=1&bbwm=1

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk_politics/6083840.stm
I love these, dwugs to keep you awake for days....just don't tell your employer...or bird!!!!

http://sjl.funnyordie.com/v1/view_video.php?viewkey=e77f13a6d184dbf1232f&page=&viewtype=&category =

celebrity merchandise

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6614755.stm

celebrity merchandise was sent in Andy who add this.

i cant think of any better way of stumbling off this mortal coil and making the maker....than in a "Kiss Kasket". perhaps as a result of drinking too much of "Steven Segal's Lightening Bolt" apparently "It was like an evil punch made from fruits that had no business ever knowing each other."

Woman with 11 stone legs!!

good god, they are massive

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lancashire/6621331.stm

POWER OF PENCIL - 2

This one caused much laughter. It reminds me of the mutant on mars who can tell your future in the film Total Recall. Its not here but a young English popstar who is reportedly one of the richest teenagers in England.

Students stage striptease for students

The story is from Denmark and is tremendous

http://www.metro.co.uk/news/article.html?in_article_id=47402&in_page_id=34

here are some highlights from the article

Teachers have refused to stop an annual striptease by pupils despite a video of an onstage lesbian love romp ending up on YouTube.

A spokesman said: 'The girls' teachers vote as the best get the best places on the tables in the canteen.'

Erik Olesen, head teacher at Silkeborg said everyone, including the school governors, had known about the contest and described it as 'harmless fun'.

But news of the striptease got out when some of the girls this year stripped naked and began to touch each other's breasts - then started rubbing baby oil over each other's bodies.

Headmaster Olesen said: 'I think they forgot what they were doing and where they were. But my concern now is not to punish anyone, but protect the girls who are now all over the internet.

and to round it up nicely they two naked girls with the baby oil didn't even win!!! OUTRAGE

STILL HAVENT FOUND WHAT THEIR LOOKING FOR

I have to admit at being quite impressed by the high ranking of my blog one searches such as anus weighting lifting. Someone typed in our lass has got a massive fanny, just what do you expect that search to bring back. Althought it did bring back this page with some graphetic by some school yoof, which is childish and very amusing.

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=6488092

Laurie Sanchez - 7th option

del boy french sayings - 5th ranking

dogging stories - 2nd

anus weightlifting - 2nd , I do not even know what this is

pictures of men's testicles - 3rd

roman numeral tattoo designs - 2nd

our lass has got a massive fanny - Number 1

amusing stories for reading

Laurie Sanchez

anus weightlifting

"allergic to sun light"

063.wmv panties

pictures of men's testicles

weightlifter anus video

roman numeral tattoo designs

picturesof people dreaming

minge stories

Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious

i wanna thank you thank you nananana Lyrics

wondercum + scam

eurika clothing design - number 1

schoolboy jokes sheep poo

spinal tap up to eleven mpg

mr t snickers advert wmv - number 1

plump vulva

how did hornymatches grow so quickly

AMUSING PICTURE

There comes a time when you should really hang up the bikini

HASSLEHOFF THE LEGEND

This is a video of Hasslehoff once again showing he is a man of the people and like us he sits around in just his jeans eating chicken burgers off the floor.

Hasslehoff we salute you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KK0nfF05tM

Here is Hasslehoff acting drunk on knight rider

see what an actor I can hardly tell the difference

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YXeVLLO3ndg&mode=related&search=

EMAIL PICTURE JOKES

THE WORD

I often find myself talking about the word. Was it really any good or did everyone just watch it. What do people watch these days when they come back from the pub?

Anyway I looked it up on Wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Word_(TV_series)

and here are the memorable moments

Memorable moments

The first and only British Network airing (at the time) of Madonna's Justify My Love Music Video with a contrived out of context repeat of Madonna justifying her Express Yourself video a year previously. (Madonna never made any public justification for her current Justify My Love video.)
Rod Hull and Emu appearing alongside Snoop Doggy Dogg neither knowing who the other was. For the viewer there was much tension for those who knew that a) Hull's act consisted primarily of attacking his co-guests and presenters with his puppet and b) Snoop placed considerable store in his cool, somewhat threatening image[1].
riot grrrls Huggy Bear causing chaos when Mark Lamarr was chatting to a supermodel. The band shouted at the presenter before being violently ejected from the studio.
Nirvana's performance of Smells Like Teen Spirit where Kurt Cobain declared Courtney Love to be "The best fuck in the world".
Mark Lamarr telling Shabba Ranks that he was "talking crap" after an interview where Ranks expressed homophobic views.
A member of L7 removing her jeans and underwear during a performance, the full-frontal nudity being briefly broadcast.
Presenter Alan Connor being held at gunpoint in a German sex club
The Posies smashing their instruments like The Who and then throwing them into the audience at the end of their performance of Definite Door.
A performance by Sepultura for which the show placed their fans in a special animal cage.
A special spoof of Blind Date for bisexual contestants called Bi Date.
The sister show would feature video demos of new bands, with one hopeless song called Luke I Love You becoming a running joke in its torment of Mark Lamarr.
Dinosaur Jr refusing to stop playing until the plugs were pulled.
The TV debut of Oasis playing Supersonic.
Other "I'll do anything to get on TV" moments such as a woman who got into a bath full of watery cow manure, another young guy french kissing an old grandmother, a man who put a huge sheep's testicle in his mouth and another one who ate a bar of lard.
Chris Eubank admonishing an audience member who taunted him with a remark about Michael Watson. A clearly irritated Eubank described the person responsible as "weak".
Oliver Reed appearing extremely drunk and singing a version of The Troggs's Wild Thing.
Rolf Harris performing a cover version of Led Zeppelin's Stairway to Heaven in his own unique style.
Amanda de Cadenet's brother Bruiser (real name Alexander) was a stand-in presenter on one occasion, and was shown to be highly unsuitable. His awkwardness and uncertainty in front of the cameras was much ridiculed.
Brought to attention that when Madonna's Like a Prayer (song) and Justify My Love singles were played backwards - they revealed the phrases I Love Satan & Satan Save Me
Backstage a drunken Oliver Reed, not knowing who he was, asking Mark Lamarr, "Who are you? The fucking warm up man."
A drunken Lynne Perrie performing I Will Survive in her stocking soles.
John Lydon suggesting his foul-mouthed, aggressively-toned interview with Terry Christian would bring about the end of Christian's career. At which point the camera cut to Richard Carpenter being given a lifetime achievement award.

CARTOON

From the excellent XKCD website http://xkcd.com

HORROR FILMS

killer shrews.

I love watching rubbish old horror films and this baby is a classic

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052969/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDoQe50eh_E

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=killer+shrews&search=Search

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0052969/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GDoQe50eh_E

KINGDOM OF THE SPIDERS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b9cnLc4_vtQ&mode=related&search=

CAMEL TOE PIC

good god, it reminds me of the head of one admiral ackbar in Star wars or someone in bar who starts a fight with Luke and then Obi-wan lobs his arm off.

THE FEMALE EJACULATION

Don't worry girls, its not weeee

http://www.themarriagebed.com/pages/biology/female/fe.shtml

and if you want to know where the G-SPOT is then its just off junction 4 of the M6. okay here is some gumpf about it

http://www.themarriagebed.com/pages/biology/female/gspot.shtml

and finally

Masterbating helps fight prostate cancer - YEAHH

http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn3942

WORK TALK

Constructive criticism

In a document I wrote this

Below the normal logging is the logging information for the audit module logging. Probably the most important variable that is set in here is the location and name of the audit.log.

Can you say logging in this sentence a little more

GOING GOING GONE

I left work this week and this was the invite to my leaving do

Sent: 30 April 2007 17:07
To: *Everyone
Subject: May the 4th be with you

I shall pick up the Star wars theme and run with it, whilst extending an invitation to celebrate my leaving.

once upon a time in a galaxy far far away.....

A young Jedi called Ben Hoskwalker managed

to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon

, the DEATHSTAR, an amoured space station with enough

power to destroy an entire planet

The Death stars one weakness was a small internet mapping software

application built with Java logic using a struts framework and a flash front end.

With the release of company software, Hoskwalker fired one proton torpedo down

the exhaust of the death star, and saved the world.

so its time to celebrate with a few space drinks in Mos Eisley Cantina

before Jamie freezes me in carbonite and hangs me on the wall.

As I'm sure many of you are aware its my last day on Friday and am I sure there will be many of you celebrating me leaving. So I thought I would join you in celebrating me leaving by going out and partaking in some nice cool ale this Friday.

E = mc2

where

E = beer drunk

M = minutes in pub

C = wasted minutes walking between pubs

If the equation above doesn't make sense to you then you definitely need to come out and have a few drinks and at the bottom of one of those cold cool pints will be the answer. Don't worry if you can't make it is very likely I will ever see you again to tell you off :-(

So in the words of Star Wars

Join me, it is your destiny

FUNNY MOVIE OF THE WEEK - KINGPIN

This movie rocks

this is a horrible scene - you really jarred something lose tiger

http://vids.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=vids.individual&videoid=2015982190

the showdown

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2t2GgN_RC7M

the car scene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u4tppxhh9aA&NR=1

Ernie McKracken

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIi2GGnNDNQ&mode=related&search=

the grift scene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jWdD8wvZfRE&mode=related&search=

there is a shit cloud coming

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaYUqXAmXRQ&mode=related&search=

we don't have a cow

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YfgctyfORTY&mode=related&search=

resterant scene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EEO7kdcAqM8

imdb link

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116778/

IF ONLY YOU COULD HARNESS THE POWER OF FATTIES

look out the fatties are trying organise themselves in a wobbly death star, and used their combined weight against us

http://www.techcrunch.com/2007/04/29/fatsecret-for-fat-people-who-want-to-be-less-so/

ANIMATION

Awesome animation, it takes a while to load but its worth the wait my little ones

http://gprime.net/flash.php/ilovedeath

A song about BEEEERRRRR

http://gprime.net/flash.php/thebeersong

Amsterdam Robs hot ones

the new toy - the hermit crab

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=210301&fr=&cache=1

Ninja obstacle course

http://www.bestofgooglevideo.com/video.php?video=682

10 top video game weapons

http://www.bestofgooglevideo.com/video.php?video=676

kitchen prank

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=227253&fr=&cache=1

The right way http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IiETbcewYLg

The wrong way http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzdYr2-WZXU

more marching band cheer leader bloopers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UFMoJXnzUKY&mode=related&search=

MR T's friend = PAIN

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TL4SewouJuk&mode=related&search=

innuendo on games master

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-xiQ6uija8

sad people on gamesmaster asking for help - the Consoletation zone

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ixgDq__WY6A&mode=related&search=

SEXY VIDEOS

Christina Aguilera - candyman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m30p09OrCnk

PUB REVIEWS

Weatherspoons - Square Peg

Some of the reviews for this place are awesome

http://www.beerintheevening.com/pubs/s/85/8500/Square_Peg/Birmingham

Dodgy. Had an attempted bag snatch on my mate here and witnessed several daytime tramp fights spilling out. Staff are mixed, some are very helpfull although had a few rude treatments here. Convenient for lunch but thats about it.

The worst spoons pub in brum. Ambivalent staff and lots of sorry not available, if you find one thats got a clip it is usually off anyway. Save time and anger, go to the Square Peg or the Briar Rose and see what can be done by 'spoons staff that give a stuff about people.
As CAMRA once said in an early GBG avoid like the plague.

THE STAR WARS OPENING CRAWL

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Star_Wars_opening_crawl

may the type be with you - a nerdy typeface look at the opening crawl

http://typographi.com/001002.php

Stars wars funny song

http://members.aol.com/manitsas2/cantina.wav

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

Jonsey - I am soo looking forward to poker tonight its one of the only things that keeps me going

RETRO CARTOON

Its sort of cartoon but this week I am choosing the Sesame street pinball clip

even the music is cool

Sesame Street Pinball Cartoon

jazzy counting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_phac4JyN4w&mode=related&search=

MORE SEXY SONG TIME

this is where we have a song with a scanitly clad women in (yeeeeah)

Dannii Minogue - put the needle on it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NoP2XQIpc6s&mode=related&search=

LEAGUE OF GENTLEMAN CLIP

Sent in by Mr C, the fantastic pops and his favourite film, is it watership down? Bright eyes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oRujmPwW1nc&mode=related&search=

FACT OF THE DAY

FLIES

http://www.ivyhall.district96.k12.il.us/4th/KKhp/1insects/fly.html

MATHS JOKES

sent in by the man dressed in beige, a desert storm man from Del Monti - Stephen B

From April's Edition of Mathematics Today

Mathematics Today is published by the IMA (http://www.ima.org.uk/) which is "the professional and learned society for qualified and practising mathematicians".

Contrary to popular belief held by in the lunch room faithful - swayed somewhat by the level of difficulty of the crossnumber puzzle, "Enigmaths" - there are some interesting, every-day facts to be found in the magazine.

1. There's only about 750 distinct solutions to Sudoku puzzles. Although you probably won't find repeated puzzles in newspapers/magazines because the publishers can vary which numbers are given to start the puzzle.

2. The most volatile market in which to invest money is Palladium (0.11); compared to Gold (0.041), the FTSE (0.038) and Livestock (0.06). That's Palladium the metal, not the London Palladium.

3. Continued fractions, Bowen's symbolic dynamics and orbit equivalence are linked. These concepts are not to be confused with fraction symbols, orbit dynamics and continued equivalence.

EMAIL THINGY

Need directions

Don't know the quickest route from New York to Paris?

Try asking Google:

1. Go to Google. COM.

2. Click on Maps.

3. At the top of the page, click on "Get Directions"

4. In the first box (from), type New York, New York.

5. In the second box ("end address"), type Paris, France.

6. Click on the "Get Directions" box..

..............Then read instruction #24.......

ANOTHER CAMEL TOE SONG

this time its about women, warning other women about camel toes. The band are called FannyPack

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3I64m0x6wI

FOOTBALL NEWS

Talking is good for Mourinho

this is a thought I have had before, that by talking nonsense all the media talk about Mourinho, instead of talking about his players

http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8652_2092510,00.html

http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8652_2092269,00.html

Fergie hits back at the special one

http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8652_2092468,00.html

From football 365 mediawatch - http://www.football365.com/mediawatch/0,17033,8749_2100317,00.html

Runner-Up
'Chelsea striker Andriy Shevchenko is spending up to £1million to create a "Batcave" at his £7million mansion to house his fleet of luxury cars. At the touch of a button on an electronic keypad, the £30million Ukrainian international, who earns £120,000 a week, will be able to raise or lower the vehicles by remote control from the underground car park on hydraulic ramps...Among others, it will be home to his £130,000 Bentley Continental GT Turbo, £60,000 Mercedes four-wheel drive and £110,000 Ferrari F360. Each will be housed in cages, which are mechanically shuffled around the basement area' - The Daily Mail

Quote Of The Day
"Our supporters know that they are the special ones" - Rafa continues to give Jose a slappin'.

Non-Football Rumour Of The Day
'Incorporating pistachios into the diet can significantly reduce cholesterol and help to prevent narrowing of the arteries, research suggests' - The Times.

After the success of Liverpool, I decided to have a look at what Rafael Benitez has done in his career, its quite impressive

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rafael_Benitez

Villa have big ideas

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/sport/football/premiership/aston_villa/article1739139.ece

QUOTES OF THE WEEK

A few from Winston Churchill from here - http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/w/winston_churchill.html

A joke is a very serious thing.
Winston Churchill

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.
Winston Churchill

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
Winston Churchill

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
Winston Churchill

Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.
Winston Churchill

Difficulties mastered are opportunities won.
Winston Churchill

Eating words has never given me indigestion.
Winston Churchill

Everyone has his day and some days last longer than others.
Winston Churchill

He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
Winston Churchill

History is written by the victors.
Winston Churchill

I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else.
Winston Churchill

I am fond of pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Winston Churchill

I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
Winston Churchill

I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
Winston Churchill

I like a man who grins when he fights.
Winston Churchill

If I was your wife Sir, I'd poison you! Madam, if you were my wife, I'd let you!
Winston Churchill

MSN MADNESS

old ben kenobi says:
oh baby
old ben kenobi says:
thank u lord
old ben kenobi says:
i need a shot of blog
old ben kenobi says:
STAT!
young ken bonobi says:
its just about to be unleashed
old ben kenobi says:
DO IT
old ben kenobi says:
i'm refreshing the page!
young ken bonobi says:
wait
young ken bonobi says:
go
old ben kenobi says:
its up
old ben kenobi says:
wow man i fookin love chicks dancing
old ben kenobi says:
nothing better
old ben kenobi says:
well, there is but it's fucking hot
old ben kenobi says:
i also love camel toe
young ken bonobi says:
oh yeah
old ben kenobi says:
esp. the actual camel
old ben kenobi says:
the blog just gets better and better bro
young ken bonobi says:
self wedging, mmmmmm :P
old ben kenobi says:
i am testing my own ability m8
old ben kenobi says:
my ability to view porn at work
old ben kenobi says:
without giving it away
young ken bonobi says:
it should help improve you poker face
old ben kenobi says:
exactly! its training
old ben kenobi says:
therefore its going on my CV
old ben kenobi says:
so far i have managed several minutes of pure camel toe heaven
young ken bonobi says:
there is no actual nudity though
old ben kenobi says:
not the hairy sand living animal
old ben kenobi says:
its hardly office material tho is it
young ken bonobi says:
I should hope not that it is a boy camel
old ben kenobi says:
he still has lots of camel toes...
young ken bonobi says:
there is only one thing worst than bestiality
young ken bonobi says:
and thats gay bestiality
old ben kenobi says:
true
old ben kenobi says:
even worse is getting caught doing it...

STAR TREK

I love the music to the scene. If you watch one fight scene in star trek then make it this one

Star Trek - Amok Time fight scene

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyhhFzE5O5U

the cable guy parody

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g82yZXXpxY8&mode=related&search=

but if you watch two fight scenes watch this one, which is described as - BAD STAR TREK FIGHT SCENE

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LBnflnDArlk&mode=related&search=

but if you think that fight scene is bad watch this non Star trek related fight scene. H

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lPNhqOT2G_k&mode=related&search=

He's dead jim

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4D6z67SYxs8&NR=1

TUNNOCK'S

Look at the classic chocolate snacks that all Grand parents have in a cupboard somewhere

http://www.tunnock.co.uk/products.htm

POWER OF PENCIL - 1

There is a slight change to the power of paint this week. Biscuit has been dabbling with retro pencil. Amusingly the pictures are much harder to guess than someone spending five minutes in paint. I will give you a clue, this is a premiership manager!

WORD OF THE DAY (.com)

pantheon: Dictionary.com Word of the Day

pantheon: the collective gods of a people; also, a group of highly esteemed persons.

THE SIMPSONS TRAILER

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=944682361207483032

READ THIS AND SAVE MONEY

http://articles.moneycentral.msn.com/SavingandDebt/FindDealsOnline/15WaysStoresTrickYouIntoSpending.aspx?page=all

15 ways stores trick you into spending

Don't succumb to retailers' simple ploys. Here's how they get you to buy -- and 10 ways to fight back.

By The Simple Dollar

Ever notice how you can go to a store to pick up just one thing and then, by the time you get to the check stand, you have five or six things in your cart and a bigger bill than you had anticipated?

This happens over and over because department stores use an array of techniques (grocery stores use many of the same tactics) to get you to pick up these items. By itself, each technique isn't very strong -- it's the use of them in combination that is powerful.

Here's a list of 15 of the best tricks. After the list, watch for 10 ways to combat these techniques so you can get in and out of stores with your finances intact.

1. Shopping carts. Most department-store customers enter the store intending to buy only an item or two, but the shopping carts are right there by the entrance and, oh, wouldn't it be convenient to have it so I can lean on it a bit while walking around and to put my stuff in it?

The cart has a huge bin compared with the size of most items for sale in the store, making it psychologically easy to toss in an item you don't need -- after all, there's room for plenty more, right?

2. Desirable departments are far away from the entrance. Most of the items I go to a department store to buy, such as light bulbs and laundry detergent, are located many, many aisles from the entrance. This means I spend my time walking by a lot of consumer goods on my way to find the item I want.

Because these consumer goods are effectively marketed to me, there's a good likelihood that I'll spy something that I don't necessarily need and toss it in the cart.

3. The toy section is far, far, far away from the entrance. Naturally, if I take my son to the store, he wants to visit the toy section. He gets excited and starts shouting "Ball! Ball!" to me when we go in because he remembers the enormous plastic balls in the toy section.

I tell him that if he's good, we'll go look at the balls, and at the end of the trip, we usually make our way over there. What do we see? Lots of children in that area, which means that there are parents that follow their children.

4. Impulse-oriented items are near the checkouts. Stores stock the latest DVD releases and "froth" magazines there, along with overpriced beverages and candy.

Why? Because people leaving the store are thirsty, and they're going to be standing in line for a bit, which is the perfect place to hook them with some entertainment options.

5. The most expensive versions of a product are the ones at eye level. Take a look sometime at the arrangement of different choices for a particular product, such as laundry detergent. Almost every time, the most expensive options per unit are placed at eye level, so you see them first when you enter an aisle. The bulk options and better deals are usually on the bottom shelves.

6. Items that aren't on sale are sometimes placed as though they are on sale, without using the word "sale." I noticed this over and over with diapers; the department store would display a rack of them with a huge sign above them displaying the price, but it would be the same price I paid for them a week ago. Unsurprisingly, the diapers displayed like that were always the most expensive kind.

7. Commodity items, such as socks, are surrounded by noncommodity items, such as shirts and jeans. If I'm looking to buy some socks, I have to traverse through a number of racks full of different types of clothing in the clothing section just to reach them.

Why? If my mind is already open to the idea of buying clothes, I would be more likely to look at other clothing items.

8. Slickly packaged items alternate with less slickly packaged items. Look carefully at an aisle of, say, potato chips. The ones with the bright and slick packaging are generally more expensive, which isn't surprising.

But notice that there usually isn't a section of just inexpensive chips -- in most stores, they're sandwiched between more-expensive items. If there is a section of just inexpensive items, they're down by your feet (think about the inexpensive bagged cereals at your local supermarket).

9. Stop, stop, stop. You add items to your cart only if you stop, right? So stores are designed to maximize the number of stops you have to make: aisles in which only two carts can fit, colorful and attractive layouts, escalators and, my favorite of all, sample vendors. Even if it's not conscious to you, every time you stop moving in a store, you increase your chances of putting something into your cart.

Video: 4 'off-the-menu' bargains

10. Staple items are placed in the middle of aisles, nonessential and overpriced items near the end. Why? If you enter an aisle to get a "staple" item (i.e., a high-traffic item), you have to go by the other items twice -- once on the way in and once on the way out. That gives these items two chances to make their pitch at you.

11. Prices are chosen to make comparison math difficult. Instead of selling the 100-ounce detergent for $6 and the 200-ounce detergent for $11 (making it easier to figure out the better deal), they sell the 100-ounce for $5.99 and the 200-ounce for $10.89.

Hey, look, they're basically the same, right, because five is half of 10? Uh, no.

Continued: 10 ways to fight back

12. Stuff in bins isn't always a bargain. Higher-end stores will sometimes put items in "bins" to emulate the bargains found at cheaper stores, but the prices are still quite high. They just use the visual cue of a "bargain store" to make you think it is a bargain.

13. High-markup items are made to look prestigious. If you see something in a glass case that has lots of space around it, your gut reaction is to believe that it is valuable and prestigious to own, and for many people it can be as attractive as a light to a moth. The truth is that these items typically have tremendous markup -- you're literally just buying an idea, not a product.

14. The most profitable department is usually the first one you run into. Ever noticed that at Younkers, JC Penney, Kohl's and such stores, the cosmetic department is front and center? That's because it's very profitable, and by putting it in a place where people walk by time and time again, customers are more prone to making a purchase on an item with a very big markup.

15. Restrooms and customer services are usually right by the exit or as far from the exit as possible. Why? If you need to use either one in the middle of a shopping journey, you have to walk by a lot of merchandise to reach the needed service, thus increasing your chances for an impulse buy.

Video: 4 'off-the-menu' bargains

Want to see more? Look at this presentation on the art of department-store layouts to get an idea of how much thought goes into making sure you buy more, particularly those items that are marked up a lot. I didn't even get into some of the more complex techniques, such as sensory marketing, that are more subtle and harder to avoid.

How can I fight back?

Is there any wonder why people end up buying more than they need or buying sizes that are poor deals? With an array of techniques at their disposal, retailers can make a mint.

Had enough? Here are 10 things you can do to fight back against these techniques:

1. Don't use a shopping cart unless you need it. A cart, most of the time, is just a place to put stuff you don't need. If you're carrying a product, you're a lot more likely to consider whether it's a worthwhile purchase.

2. Make a shopping list and stick to it. A list makes you focus on the items you intended to buy. Without it, you are much more prone to wandering and stumbling into "great buys" that you don't really need.

3. Look at nothing but the prices and sizes. That's all the information you really need -- everything else is marketing. Find the one that has the best price for its size, get that one, and move on.

4. Start at the back and work toward the front. If this is an option at all for you based on the store layout, do it. When you go in, head directly for the most distant item, then progress back toward the checkout aisles. If you do it the other way, you're prone to walk more slowly and tiredly toward the front after your shopping is done, leaving you open to lots of impulse buys on the way.

5. Always look at the bottom shelf first. If you've found the section you want, start looking at the bottom shelf first. This is usually where the better per-unit deals are.

6. Don't stop unless you're actively selecting an item. Displays are designed to beg you to stop for a moment and just look, which is often enough to get you to pick out the item. Even if something looks interesting, keep walking. You can study it as you go past and make up your mind later about the item.

7. Never go by an item twice unless absolutely necessary. If you go down an aisle, start at one end and continue all the way out the other. Walking by an item once lets it sink into your short-term memory, giving just a hint of familiarity when you walk by it again, sometimes just enough to persuade you to buy it.

8. Carry a pocket calculator -- or know how to use the one on your cell phone. Do the math yourself to find out what the best buy is because stores try to choose numbers that make drawing false conclusions quite easy.

9. If you don't know for sure that it is a good deal, don't buy because you think it is a good deal. Stores use all kinds of visual cues to make you think something is a bargain when it's not (like the bin trick mentioned above). Don't buy anything because it's a "deal" unless you're sure that it really is an excellent bargain -- just walk away.

10. At the checkout, rethink everything you put in your cart -- and don't hesitate to hand an item to the cashier and say you've changed your mind. Many people seem to have a guilt, or obligation, to buy an item that they've put into their cart. Don't. You're the customer -- you have the right to choose whether to buy. If you find something you don't want to buy, tell the cashier and don't buy it.

This article was written by the founder of The Simple Dollar, a blog offering a peek at his recovery from near bankruptcy.

Published April 13, 2007

CAMEL TOE PICTURE

see not all camel toe pictures are bad

Amsterdam Robs hot ones

a compilation of pranks

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4689060088319845726

Be silent and do not fart

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-1212740996681538578

funny soccer clips

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=5203113135725371887

caught watching girl

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4378233590066295739

hillibillies pick on the wrong guy

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=3739739859089775047

how not to weightlift

http://www.stupidvideos.us/video.aspx/IDp~1839/Weightlifter%20accident/Extreme%20videos/

weightlifting bloopers

http://video.yahoo.com/video/play?vid=090c3bbef175fe5d3025122dde3cd323.795674

FACT OF THE DAY
Another classic from the archives - Greggs

Not so long ago Greggs was only frequented by old ladies buying an un-cut loaf, and fat people buying 5 sausage rolls for a pound. But now thousands of people visit their shops each day to buy their lunch. With the influx of a more sophisticated customer base, Greggs continually develop there product lines. Introducing more luxury items like steak bakes and continental alternatives like pizza slices to compliment the old school favourites. The future looks rosy for Greggs, but how did it all start?

History

Greggs was founded as a family bakery business on Tyneside in the 1930's by John Gregg, the father of the present Chairman. When his father died suddenly in 1964, Ian Gregg gave up his plans for a legal career to take over the business, which at that stage consisted of a single shop with a small bakery at the rear. Under his leadership, the retail chain expanded in the North East and established the principle of serving a cluster of stores from a single central bakery, achieving efficiencies which could be passed on to the consumer in value-for-money pricing. Greggs also won fame on Tyneside for reviving the 'stottie cake' - a traditional, flat, round white loaf.

The business expanded out of its North East heartland by acquiring and developing established regional bakery chains based in Glasgow (1972), Leeds (1974) and Manchester (1976). At the time of its flotation on the London Stock Exchange in 1984, it had 261 shops in four regional divisions. The offer for sale to the public was more than 100 times oversubscribed. Over the next 10 years, Greggs continued to grow both organically and by acquisition, establishing new regional operations in Birmingham (1984), South Wales (1985) and north London (1986). By mid-1994, it had had 502 shops in seven regional divisions. It then acquired the retail bakery interests of Allied Bakeries Limited, adding 424 shops and a new brand - Bakers Oven.

The Bakers Oven format complemented Greggs, since many of the shops had in-store bakeries which enabled the chain to operate efficiently in areas of lower population density, where the Greggs formula of large central bakeries and satellite shops was less appropriate. Many of the shops also had seated catering facilities, which Greggs shops did not offer. It was therefore decided to retain and develop Bakers Oven as a separate, premium brand. A number of the smaller Bakers Oven shops, which were considered unsuitable for this market positioning, were converted to the Greggs brand. These included over 90 shops in south and west London and the adjoining counties which were used to create a new Greggs division - Greggs of Twickenham.

A typical Greggs shop, selling wholesome, value fayre. The new panoramic door assist people with greater girth.

The last of the nine current Greggs divisions was formed by the acquisition of Birketts, a family company based in the Lake District, in December 1996. Over the years Greggs has evolved from a traditional high street baker into the leading UK specialist retailer of sandwiches, savouries and other bakery products for the takeaway food market: these product categories now account for around two thirds of the group's total sales. Increased emphasis has been placed on the two core Greggs and Bakers Oven brands, with the replacement in 1999 of former regional trading names for the Greggs Yorkshire and Midlands divisions, and the introduction of TV advertising. Improved shop designs have been introduced for both fascias, with the new Greggs format offering improved access to takeaway food and speedier service, and Bakers Oven featuring an enhanced seated catering concept. Above all, however, there is an emphasis throughout the Group on constantly improving the quality, consistency, value-for-money and sheer enjoyability of products.

In a recent poll, 99.2% of Greggs customer said they like Greggs...

The Greggs Vision :
We intend to be Europe's finest bakery-related retailer, achieving our ambitious growth targets by attaining world-class standards in everything we do. Our purpose is the growth and development of a thriving business for the benefit and enjoyment of employees, customers and shareholders alike.

At the Mayfair and Bearwood braches of Greggs, employees are expected to dress smartly...

I put forward some questions to the Greggs MD on behave of the Crippler, these are his answers...

1. What are your key strategic principles?

Our aim is to be recognised as Europe's finest bakery-related retailer, by achieving excellence in everything we do. In particular, we seek to: - provide our customers with enjoyable, tasty, value-for-money products - continuously improve the quality of our shops and service - raise awareness of our brands - achieve simplicity in all areas of our business, as the key to improving the productivity of our assets and our people. As a customer-focused business with around 17,500 staff, most of them directly involved in serving the public - our approach to people is central to everything we do. The culture of the business is to: - treat all employees with consideration - foster a working environment that combines autonomy with accountability - ensure that people enjoy their work - maintain our focus on excellent service and profitability.

2. How many shops do you have?

We currently have over 1,200 retail outlets.

4. Do all your shops trade as Greggs?

We have two principal brands: Greggs and Bakers Oven. Over 1000 of our shops are in our eight Greggs divisions, and there are four Bakers Oven divisions operating over 200 shops.

5. Are all the pasties and sausage roll made by hand in Greggs stores?

Are the fuck, We have have number of large bakeries, that par-cook all the shit, then we send it out to the stores in a wagon where, they are placed on a tray, smothered in lard and cooked in a big industrial oven until there done.

6. Why do you have two different brands?

When we acquired Bakers Oven in 1994, we decided to retain and develop it as a premium brand. A substantial number of smaller Bakers Oven shops, which were unsuitable for this positioning, were converted to the Greggs fascia.

7. How do Bakers Oven shops differ from Greggs?

The vast majority of Bakers Oven stores have seated catering facilities and / or in-store bakeries. Greggs shops are served by central bakeries, with a range of products baked off in ovens in the stores.

8. What are your biggest selling lines?

Over two thirds of our business is in takeaway food - principally sandwiches and savoury products like pies, pasties and sausage rolls, plus sweet lines like doughnuts and drinks. These product categories have driven the growth of the group for many years. We also sell traditional bakery lines like bread and rolls, but these are a steadily declining proportion of our business.

9. Do you make products for anyone else?

No, our 11 bakeries only supply our own shops. We manufacture all the main bakery product lines we sell, buying in only a few lines such as crisps and drinks.

10. Is there much scope for innovation in your business?

Yes - we are constantly developing new products and upgrading established lines to make them even tastier and more enjoyable. In 1998 we opened a £9 million central savouries unit at Balliol Park, Newcastle upon Tyne, which has helped to drive growth in this product category by producing high quality, consistent products at a very low unit cost. Our capacity to innovate was significantly enhanced by the opening in 2001 of a new group technical centre next to the savouries plant. This provides us with much improved facilities to develop and test both new products and improved shop layouts and working methods. It also helps us to ensure that every division attains the highest standards, by identifying and establishing best practice throughout the group.

11. Who are your main competitors?

We compete with everyone who sells bakery products and takeaway food - from the major supermarkets to independent bakers and fast food outlets. We are the UK's leading specialist retailer of bakery-related products and we believe that the freshness, value and sheer enjoyability of our products give us an important competitive edge.

12. How do you compete with the supermarkets?

We recognised many years ago that the supermarkets were likely to take an increasing share of the market in bread and rolls, which is why we repositioned ourselves to become primarily a takeaway food business. Here our convenient locations, in the high streets and suburbs where people live and work, give us a real competitive advantage. All our sandwiches are freshly made in our stores each day, and we aim to offer outstanding value for money on all our products.

13. Is there any seasonal bias in your business?

Sales are spread relatively evenly, but we make more profit in the second half than the first. This reflects the fact that the 'first half' is in fact only 24 weeks, and that there are more Bank Holidays in this period when our shops do not trade. In addition, wages and other fixed costs tend to increase in January and are recovered gradually through the year.

14. Does the weather affect your business?

We are affected only by climatic extremes - very hot weather can depress demand for bakery products, and prolonged rain or snow can make people reluctant to go out and make their usual daily purchases.

15. How much scope for expansion do you have in the UK?

We believe that there is potential to grow to around 1,700 shops by 2010, both by expansion within existing trading areas where we are under-represented, such as the South East, and by moving into new regions. The markets in which we operate are large, fragmented and growing - even though we are the largest specialist retailer of sandwiches, our national market share is only around 2.5%.

16. Will you seek to grow by acquisition?

In the past we have acquired established regional businesses as a platform for development in new trading areas. However, our growing emphasis on our two core brands - and the cost of re-branding any future acquisitions - makes organic, greenfield expansion a more attractive route.

17. Do you have any plans for expansion outside the UK?

Yes, in 2003 we have opened two shops in Antwerp and Leuven in Belgium. This venture will enable us to explore the potential for our trading format in a typical Continental European market.

14. Is Greggs food a wise option for health conscious UK citizens ?

Yes, In a recent study conducted by the lifestyle magazine Anorexic World, it was found that 8 out of 10 anorixics gained weight after a 6 week perscribed courses of Greggs traditional pasties.

18. Do you see any potential for e-commerce in your business?

Not in serving customers directly, though we are rolling out a touch-screen Electronic Point of Sale (EPoS) system that will provide us with much improved business information through the Internet. We also believe that we can significantly improve our interaction with our suppliers by the use of e-commerce.

19. What are the key financial characteristics of the business?

We generate a very strong cash flow which enables us to fund high levels of investment in our shops, bakeries, brands and central services from our own resources. At the end of 2002, we had net cash of £28.6 million on our balance sheet.

20. What is your dividend policy?

We are committed to a progressive dividend policy that provides our shareholders with increases in their income broadly in line with the growth of earnings per share over the medium term. Since our flotation in 1984, dividends have grown at a compound annual rate of 19% per annum and earnings per share at a compound annual rate of 18%.

BISCUIT DOODLE

MSN MADNESS

young ken bonobi says:
I'm soooo bored
young ken bonobi says:
I wish today was friday
old ben kenobi says:
u must be mate, talking about villa!
young ken bonobi says:
I could do with a nice cool pint
young ken bonobi says:
and ogle some scantily clad ladies
old ben kenobi says:
oh fuck yes, me too
young ken bonobi says:
either way works
young ken bonobi says:
I could ogle some nice cool pints and drink some cool ladies
young ken bonobi says:
or ogle some ladies and drink a nice cool pint
old ben kenobi says:
or dink a nice cool pint off a nice cool young lady
young ken bonobi says:
I prefer using a glass, it would take to long to drink a pint
old ben kenobi says:
i was thinking more of the licking of nipples etc, fuck the pint
young ken bonobi says:
you are going to fuck the pint
young ken bonobi says:
you certainly are out of practise
old ben kenobi says:
nice n wet
young ken bonobi says:
what happens if it got pregnant?
young ken bonobi says:
perhaps it would give birth to a half pint
old ben kenobi says:
shandy

A SONG FROM BIG MO

"Map then wherever u may be,

I am the Lord of the Maps said he,

and i map you all, wherever u may be map,

and i map u all in the maps said he"

"I mapped for Jamie and i mapped for Les,

but i am the Lord of the maps said he"

END OF LINE

This weeks power of pencil, the dude is Steve Coppell and the woman is none other than Joss Stone, yes go back and look again, nothing like her is it. That is exactly what I want.

I am leaving my job this week, so I don't know what effect this will have on the blog but it will probably mean I do less, so its more important you club together and send me funny stuff.

# posted by Amusing It Stories @ 8:40 AM 0 comments links to this post

Amusing IT Stories

Thursday, May 10, 2007

Amusing IT Stories - Episode 25 - Everything popular is wrong

Thursday, May 03, 2007

Amusing IT Stories - Episode 24 - I like a man who grins when he fights

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