Thursday, May 10, 2007

Amusing IT Stories - Episode 25 - Everything popular is wrong

I like to start with a nice thank Amusing IT stories its friday picture. It has to capture the magical friday feeling and this my boy and girl is it


and this picture is to morn the death of the cassette, just look at its face, its so cute.


You must send in more stuff to me you feckin burgers, I had to spend a couple of hours finding half of this load of old tosh, its not good enough you deserve better


STILL HAVENT FOUND WHAT THEY ARE LOOKING FOR

  • Daniel Vincent accountant
  • cracker barrel razer
  • ruined orgasm story fart
  • drunk by the pool mpg hoax
  • Freddy Shepherd quotes prefer blondes
  • femdom unemployed husbands
  • stories on masterbating
  • camel toes
  • outline of a camel
  • wedgie and spanking
  • chas n dave any old iron free download
  • the versions of thebeersong
  • 063.wmv
  • my husband looks sweet in his made to measure pvc schoolgirl outfit
  • Toronto Star Syndicate Chuckle Brothers
  • spurs lasagna chant lyrics



MR C’s NEWSROUND

MORE BLAMES WOMAN FOR RUBBISH TV

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6634255.stm

Harry Potter hoax

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2321848.html

Bush winks at queen

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2321903.html?menu=news.quirkies.quirkygaffes

musical comdoms

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2019582.html?menu=news.quirkies.sexlife

Robson green had to use a fake willy

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2240591.html?menu=news.quirkies.showbizquirkies

HASSLEHOFF

So impressed with Hasslehoff last week and having been sent the clip about five times I thought I would have a look at a good uplifting Hasslehoff song

Hooked on a feeling

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PJQVlVHsFF8&mode=related&search=

Secret agent man

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lKuQXGrFSQ0&mode=related&search=

This is brilliant, its like a hasslehoff meets Jason and the Argonauts and then think of the scene with the fighting skeletons

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC-dwjrinK0&mode=related&search=

Its quite fitting that Hasslehoff was in a space film called – Star Crash

Here is a trailer, this is two years after stars was released, its basically a really bad rip off. Exquisite viewing

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sC-dwjrinK0&mode=related&search=

the most powerful weapon in the galaxy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZCvk547NqFU

starcrash – akton versus thor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dOh7qOL3Hdk&mode=related&search=

how the hell can you miss hasslehoffs massive barnet

akton versus some golums

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DDrbbe7lgyE&mode=related&search=

I felt duty bound to look up Starcrash on imdb

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0079946/

it has one of the best reviews of a film I have ever read


When I first saw this film, back in 1979, my wife & I were 2 of 5 people in the theater at 7:00 on a Friday night. We were about to walk out when Carolyn Munro was sentenced to mine Radium in a bikini for the rest of her natural life. At that point, there was no way to get me out of there.

The remarkable thing about this movie is that every time you think "that is the most ridiculous plot device ever..." something else comes along that blows your socks off. About mid way thru I could not quit laughing. For instance, our heroine sets a ship on collision course with the Evil Count's space fortress. To save herself, at the last second before the catacylismic collision, SHE JUMPS OUT OF THE WINDOW! And then does the BREAST STROKE! through OUTER SPACE! Oh My God! I can't stop laughing!

Bottom Line, this movie is WAY funnier than many that TRY to be funny (Spaceballs, Ice Pirates, etc.)

Translate (yes probably swear words and insults) into other languages

http://www.oddcast.com/home/demos/tts/tts_tran_example.php?sitepal

The Radio CASSETTE IS DEAD

This week Currys or dixons has decided it isn’t going to sell the poor old cassette anymore. What about all those poor car radios??


The bbc has 10 things to do with cassettes

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6634727.stm

in honour of the cassette lets have a look on wikipedia to see how it all came about

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compact_audio_cassette

it brings back some memories when it talks about the different lengths 30, 60, 90 or the rare 120. It also has a bit on the right protect. Here is the main bit

The Compact Cassette, often referred to as audio cassette, cassette tape, cassette, or simply tape, is a magnetic tape sound recording format. Although it was originally intended as a medium for dictation, improvements in fidelity led the Compact Cassette to supplant reel-to-reel tape recording in most non-professional applications.[1] Its uses ranged from portable audio to home recording to data storage for early microcomputers. Between the 1970s and early 1990s, the cassette was one of the three most common formats for prerecorded music, alongside the LP and later the Compact Disc.[2]

Compact Cassettes consist of two miniature spools, between which a magnetic tape is passed and wound. These spools and their attendant parts are held inside a protective plastic shell. Two stereo pairs of tracks (four total) or two monaural audio tracks are available on the tape; one stereo pair or one monophonic track is played or recorded when the tape is moving in one direction and the second pair when moving in the other direction. This reversal is achieved either by manually flipping the cassette or by having the machine itself change the direction of tape movement ("auto-reverse").[3]



IS MASTERBATING NORMAL


What a question to ask a load of random people on the internet

http://isitnormal.com/story/7722/

masterbating


i am a 15 year old teen girl and i was wondering i old should i be to masterbate. and how should i do it?

thannks

Here are the answers

Comments (4)

Nodo_TheRanter (5564)

2007-02-16 13:59:56

SINNER.

DrSham (5677)

2007-02-16 14:05:00

Start now. Wanking is great

sisophous (3738)

2007-02-16 14:14:13

If you have a library card, take a trip to a large public library and do a search on masturbation. There are loads of books written by experts on this topic. Most books are sorted in the same area so it should be very easy to locate them. Check out of the library ones that seem interesting. If you do not have a library card, ask an adult to help you get one.

As to how old you have to be, there is no specific age, just do so in private.

Nodo_TheRanter (5564)

2007-02-16 14:31:01

Yeah, make sure to have a big stack of books on wanking in the public library... I'm sure that won't cause a scene.

Google is your friend.


FAMOUS QUOTES

This week I have some oscar wilde quotes for ya, which come from here

http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/o/oscar_wilde.html



A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing.
Oscar Wilde


A man can be happy with any woman, as long as he does not love her.
Oscar Wilde


A true friend stabs you in the front.
Oscar Wilde


Ah, well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.
Oscar Wilde

All art is quite useless.
Oscar Wilde

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
Oscar Wilde

As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
Oscar Wilde

At 46 one must be a miser; only have time for essentials.
Oscar Wilde

Consistency is the last resort of the unimaginative.
Oscar Wilde

Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught.
Oscar Wilde

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.
Oscar Wilde

Everything popular is wrong.
Oscar Wilde

Experience is one thing you can't get for nothing.
Oscar Wilde

Experience is simply the name we give our mistakes.
Oscar Wilde

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
Oscar Wilde

I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. It is never of any use to oneself.
Oscar Wilde

I am not young enough to know everything.
Oscar Wilde

I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Oscar Wilde

I have nothing to declare except my genuis.
Oscar Wilde

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
Oscar Wilde

Spam of the week


I still don’t really understand what its about but here it is

Philadelphia, PA – April 1, 2007 – According to the March 28th
Philadelphia Inquirer, giant toxic toads are running all over
Australia, threatening innocent animals and small children.

It turns out that the toads were brought to Australia by the British
back in the 1930s when the land Down Under was under the colonial yoke
of imperialism.

The Brits thought the toads would eat beetles, so they could rape even
more from their colonial plantations on land that they stole from the
Aborigines.

Well, what else would you expect from the country that invented global warming!

Just another reason we demand reparations!


Find out all the truths about the British in "The Evil Empire: 101
Ways That England Ruined The World," in bookstores and online April
23rd, 2007. Visit www.evilempirebook.com for a sneak preview, press
and enhanced features.


About The International Coalition for British Reparations
The International Coalition for British Reparations (ICBR) is a think
tank of British foreign policy headquartered in Philadelphia,
Pennsylvania, the city where America's split with Britain began in
1776. Founded on July 4, 2006, we have members all over the world.


Amsterdam Rob’s Hot ones

Guy catches glasses with face

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-prfAENSh2k

Mario game over

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpBGRA6HHtY

Men need girlfriends

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CYNliXh91KQ

domino pcs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_tXcRYOYZ0

seinfeld favourite moments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=61aQCQy5e6M&mode=related&search=

paris Hilton crying

http://www.spikedhumor.com/articles/104224/Paris_Hilton_Crying_About_Jail.html?rh=3


RETRO GAME - JAMES POND


This weeks retro game is James Pond on the Amiga. It’s a classic game, with awesome music. I played it (with the cheat on naturally) but I don’t know if I actually liked it. Still in my day its all we had, not like these days kids have it so easy blah blah blah.


here is some gumf from wikip (short for wikipedia, I can't be arsed to keep typing it out)


http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/James_Pond


Just looking at this you wonder what twisted sleeve of a brain can come up with this stuff

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpBGRA6HHtY



I AM SPARTACUS


So we have all seen the film and seen people to a comedy version of saying “I’m spartacus” but who is spartacus. Yes, you are thinking now, all we know about old Sparty we learnt from an American film, oops. So do your homework properly, look on wikipedia

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spartacus

here is a summary for those of you who can’t be bothered

Spartacus (ca. 120 BC[1] – ca. 70 BC, at the end of the Third Servile War), according to Roman historians, was a gladiator-slave who became the alleged leader of an unsuccessful slave uprising against the Roman Republic. Little is known about Spartacus beyond the events of the Third Servile War, and the historical accounts that survive of the war are sketchy and often contradictory. Spartacus' struggle, often perceived as the struggle of an oppressed people fighting for their freedom against a large powerful State, has found new meaning for modern writers since the 19th century. The figure of Spartacus, and his rebellion, has become an inspiration to many modern literary and political writers, who have made the character of Spartacus an ancient/modern folk hero.


The Worst Song lyrics ever


http://www.bbc.co.uk/6music/events/lyrical/top10.shtml




GOOGLISM


This strikes me as exactly the kind of thing clogging up the internet pipes already.

A website of such pointlessness I felt duty bound to put on the blog, it reminds me of when I watched the film the village, it was so rubbish I felt angry and what’s more I wanted someone else to watch it so they too could be punished.

Anyway don’t get me started on the village (beep beep beep mother beep) right here is the website

http://www.googlism.com/

Googlism.com will find out what Google.com thinks of you, your friends or anything! Search for your name here or for a good laugh check out some of the popular Googlisms below.

Why can’t you just type what ever you want to know into google!!!!


CLASSIC INTERNET JOKE


A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The
woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adon is whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me." So,


KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!


For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the
world. The frog said, "That will make your husband richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and


what'shis is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!


The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered,
"I'd like a mild heart attack."


Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you.
Stop
here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down......................







The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're
really smart.


Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show! PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!


XBOX360 NERDY BIT


I have just got “online” with the xbox360 and I am geeking it up and getting thrashed by little shits all over the world.

Anyway Mr C said Command and Conquer 3 was good and here is a review

http://uk.gamespot.com/xbox360/strategy/commandconquer3/review.html?sid=6170279


10 most controversial adverts of all time


if you added another 90 onto this, you have a channel 4 Sunday evening show on your hands, oh don’t forget to throw in a load of unknown celebrities to talk about space hoppers and tell you where they were when they first saw the adverts, WANKERS, especially that little angry one who was on the world twice or something

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6640005.stm

as always it’s the comments that are better than the article, here are few of Hoskys hot ones, so lets start bringing out words like do gooders and has the world gone mad

I think the world has gone mad, people need to realise that there are more important issues in the world than a TV/Magazine advert.

Too many do-gooders in the country now with no real idea on what happens in the real world. Whatever happened to freedom of speech? Sarcasm is supposed to be the 'highest form of intelligence'.....just enjoy it and take it for what it is! They are ADS for gods sake! Get a life, or better still, go to Africa and help the starving, that way they will all be helping real people in the real world and won't have time to worry about a few TV Ads!!

With regards to advert number 10, why do people believe that a brief kiss between two men is unsuitable viewing? I'd rather my children saw a brief kiss between two same sex people than the tongue action shown on some children/teen programmes and soaps!

I have not seen many of these ads but the Carphone warehouse is very annoying!!!

I don't normally write in to complain... and today is no different.

IM GOING TO BRING SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THIS COMMENT BECAUSE I WANT YOU PEOPLE NOT TO UNDERESTIMATE IDIOTS

I've not seen most of these ads but must say the Kellogg's ad worried me. I'm not stupid, but I couldn't be sure it was faked.

MSN MADNESS

Il Commendatori says:

so are you a gears of war king now?

young ken bonobi says:

no I'm complete bollocks

Il Commendatori says:

haha

young ken bonobi says:

got my arse handed to me on a plate

Il Commendatori says:

there are 13yr old pimply faced kids in USA beating you

young ken bonobi says:

its just lucky I didnt have the headset so i could hear what those little f*ckers were saying

Il Commendatori says:

and japanese 30yr olds living with their mum who will never leave home

Il Commendatori says:

you can't compete

young ken bonobi says:

my mum was joining a guild in world of warcraft

Il Commendatori says:

wtf!

Il Commendatori says:

your mum plays warcraft

Il Commendatori says:

mine can't text

young ken bonobi says:

she had to go for an interview

young ken bonobi says:

on the game

young ken bonobi says:

yesterday she said she went looting with this 13 year old, who was rubbish and kept getting lost

young ken bonobi says:

MWHAHAHAHAHAA

Il Commendatori says:

it's a mad mad world

young ken bonobi says:

crazy crazy


BAD LYRICS

I was struggling to think of some bad lyrics with amusing video, so I just typed in 80's music and hey presto the look of love popped up. The video is mental

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B2Hkc-ZTr9M

here is the lyrics

The Look of Love - ABC

When your world is full of strange arrangements
And gravity won't pull you through
You know you're missing out on something
Well that something depends on you

All I'm saying
It takes a lot to love you
All I'm doing
You know it's true
All I mean now
There's one thing, yes one thing, that turns this gray sky to blue

CHORUS:
That's the look, that's the look
The look of love
That's the look, that's the look
The look of love
That's the look, that's the look
The look of love

When your girl has left you out on the pavement (goodbye)
Then your dreams fall apart at the seams
Your reason for living's your reason for leaving
Don't ask me what it means

Who got the look
I don't know the answer to that question
Where's the look
If I knew I would tell you
What's the look
Look for your information
Yes there's one thing, the one thing that still holds true
What's that

CHORUS

If you judge a book by the cover
Then you judge the look by the lover
I hope you'll soon recover
Me, I go from one extreme to another

And all my friends just might ask me
They say, "Martin, maybe one day you'll find true love"
And I say, "Maybe there must be a solution to
The one thing, the one thing we can't find"

That's the look, that's the look
Sisters and brothers
That's the look, that's the look
Should help each other
That's the look, that's the look
Oh oh oh
Heavens above
That's the look, that's the look
Hip hip hooray ay
That's the look, that's the look
Yippie ai yippee aiay
That's the look, that's the look
Be lucky in love
Look of love


OLD SCHOOL 2

I liked old school because when I watched it made me want to go out boozing. One time me and Mr C watched old school and then went out boozing after, went into SNOBS, drank turbo vodka's which is double vodka with an orange reef and then couldn't remember anything after 30 minutes of going in.

http://www.ifitsmovies.com/2007/05/08/luke-wilson-ready-for-old-school-2/

Still that was better than this week where we went into snobs and 3 of the 5 people were sick and I was sick on the dance floor, the shame

here are the comments from my buddies



Hat's off to Hosko

for drinking loads of vodka red bulls in 10 minutes
and then redecorating snobs dance floor with his stomach contents

TADAAAAA

I'd like to pick up on a couple of points there.



1) "I was busy"....please elaborate on this you ladykiller you Webb. Did you chew your arm off at 7am in some Alum Rock student dive when you awoke next to Bridezilla. Or did you find yourself gently nudged by a hung nubile student beauty around lunchtime as she got back from bringing you a maccy d's to your pad in erdington?

2) The house always wins. Amen to that. When the world is going to hell in a handbag around you, and the boundaries of reality feel as if they are crashing around your head. You can rely on Snobes to deliver.

Good work soldiers! (next time get phone cam pictures)


WEBB wrote:
Those are BIG questions and deserve answers, see below.

----- Original Message ----
From: Dunny

Subject: Re: Murder on the dance floor? Nope it' chunder

The Big Questions:

Were any innocent women and children (students) hurt?
By the vomit? No.


Were any of the Mercia posse caught in the cross-splatter?
I believe Kirky was sitting next to him on the step


Did Hosko continue to use the dancefloor?
Not to my knowledge. I was, errrr, busy.


Did anybody else?

Yes.

Did the bouncers eject him, or did he prove the rule that it's impossible to be thrown out of (or denied entry to) Snobs?

The latter. Though me and Kirky last saw him and his workmate going arm in arm up the stairs towards the exit. They were trying to keep each other standing I think. 1 vomit each was their final score, I do believe neither of them made it to the bog. The other chap was a Snobs Newbie, who was a bit cocky when we entered, didn't show the place enough respect. "it's just a club".

The House always wins.

I had one text from Chopper stating

SNOBS IS A HARSH MISTRESS


WHAT A FECKIN GOAL

this is the brilliant kind of goal Jimmy Hill would say is rubbish because he should have used his other foot

http://www.whoateallthepies.tv/2007/05/greatest_goal_e.html

the bad haircuts of Beckham

bad haircuts


Womans football, its wierd its like they can't even turn normally

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NLrkM1n-I6g&mode=related&search=



EMAIL JOKE

Email jokes, the dad jokes of the internet, here is a prime example

Two fonts walk into the bar, and the barman says, "sorry lads, we
don't serve your type".

here is another beauty

Guy walks into a doctors and says he thinks he's going deaf?

Doctor says, ' what are the symptoms'?

Man says, 'a cartoon family with yellow faces.....why? '


MORE AMSTERDAM ROB VIDEOS

Don't celebrate too early

http://www.theshortestbus.com/content/videos/do-not-celebrate-too-early.php


redneck girl fight

http://www.geekyzeeks.com/angry_redneck_girl_betadown_video.php


will Ferrell as the coach

http://www.influks.com/post1168.html


don't dress up as a girl polar bar if you are holidaying in the north pole this year

http://www.influks.com/post1174.html


boy versus snake - what is going on here?

http://www.influks.com/post1172.html



YOU DIRTY DIRTY DIRTY BLOG

You may have read about this a long time ago, it was a blog by some woman working in the film industry, who went around shagging anything that moved and wrote it dutefully down in her blog. Then someone rubbled her and printed her name and what films she was working on, so they everyone knew who she was talking about.

I don't know how but I stumbled across the blog this week and here it is and shows I am only about three years behind the newspapers

http://girlwithaonetrackmind.blogspot.com/2007/01/three.html



10 things we didn't know last week

Here is one of my favourite columns from the BBC and I should like it I pay for it, grrrr.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/magazinemonitor/


1. Asda's buttock-slap is one of the few gestures to have been trademarked. More details

2. The goat who became an internet phenomenon after "marrying" a Sudanese man was named Rose. More details

3. New York may be "the city that never sleeps", but its pedestrians only rank eighth in a global study of walking pace.

7. Men bitten by the Brazilian wandering spider can experience long and painful erections - a condition known as priapism. More details

10. Danny deVito - yes the actor - has created his own brand of Limon cello, the lemony Italian liqueur. More details



DOCTORS

I went to the doctors this week because I hurt my hand twice whislt doing some Taekwondo moves. I showed him my left hand,

Doc: yep its fractured
Hosk : so what do I do now
Doc : nothing
Hosk: what do you mean nothing
Doc : well it will have that little bump forever, it would need an operation but its not worth it
Hosk : right, what about my thumb
Doc : fractured
Hosk : I haven't even told you what hand it is
Doc : it will be fractured, they are always fractured
Hosk : should i have an X Ray
Doc : when did you do it
Hosk : about 2 weeks
Doc : don't bother
Hosk : why not
Doc : it will be fractured or not but there is nothing you can do
Hosk : so I should do nothing again
Doc : yep. I have another patient he teaches TKD, he is good hardly ever comes in with injuries, if you get better perhaps I will see you less, HA HA.
Hosk : yep, right, thanks


THATS WHY THE BOOSH DONT LIKE CRICKET

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mzebYwZxzkQ



END OF LINE

Well there you go this is the end of line, well almost there is a bonus Hosk sketch, which after reading it you might not think was much of a bonus but what else are you going to do is friday for gods sake.


HOSK SKETCH

I was reading some crazy and crap comedy sketches I wrote and thought I would chuck them in here, mainly because they are sort of funny but then sort of rubbish. Here you can see the Hosk's early interest with camel toes.

Camel Toad

Written by

Hoskinator


SCENE 1. int – kitchen [16:30]

joe is an overbearing, know it all. he is stuffing his face with a bacon sandwich and crisps whilst drinking lager.

joe:

Oh mummy, mmm lordy, I love you bacon, oh don’t worry crisps I love you too

Joe hears the front door

joe:

Oh shit, oh shit oh shit oh shit

he picks the frying pan up and then drops it because it’s hot

joe:

Oh fuck fuck fuck fuckity fuck

ruth:

COOOOEEEEEEE I’m home

joe opens the window and throws the frying pan out of the window, he is desperatly looking for somewhere to hide the food

joe:

Mhghggh (inaudible mumble)

ruth:

Are you okay dear are you in the kitchen

joe:

It’s okay, I’m okay, you don’t have to come in

joe stuffs the bacon sandwich, crips and lager into the pockets of a coat hanging, he grabs a stick of celery from the kitchen table just as the door opens. Ruth is a woman mid forties, brown hair, smallish

ruth:

Hi love, how’s your day been, how’s the diet?

joe:

Oh very good thank you, I just thought I would have a little celery snack to keep me going, although I do have a little confession to make

ruth:

Oh I had a twix on the bus home, I just couldn’t make it, I was feeling weak, I thought I was in danger of fainting. What’s your confession?

joe:

I had two apples instead of one with my lunch

ruth:

I don’t know how you do it, all these dieting makes me sooo hungry. Half way through the day I’m starving and totally fed up with rabbit food

joe:

Ruth, you have to be focused like a laser beam, it disappoints me the lack of effort you are putting in, why don’t you just give up

ruth:

No, no, you are right, I should try harder

joe:

Do you think I like celery, no, I would much rather be having a nice greasy bacon sandwich and a beer but no, I choose to eat a stick of celery

ruth:

Oh don’t you are making me feel bad, there you are trying really hard and being good whilst I am stuffing my fat face with chocolate, I only ate it 20 minutes ago I could sick it up

joe:

It’s too late now but just try harder you need to listen to the skinny person inside of you, I can hear her, let me out, let me out, so I can be the skinny sexy woman Joe met

ruth:

You are right darling but its just I seem to put on weight when I go on a diet, I mean even now its affecting me, I am imagining I can smell bacon

joe:

Bacon, I can’t smell bacon. Have some celery, it uses more calories eating it than it contains.

ruth:

Joe I have some thing serious to talk to you about, It’s about David I think he might be taking drugs

joe:

What, NO SON OF MINE IS TAKING DRUGS, where is he? out mugging old ladies to feed his habit no doubt. Wait a minute, why exactly do you think he is on drugs? is this linked to your dieting?

ruth:

No I heard him on his mobile talking to his friend oinky

joe:

What kind of a name is oinky, he sounds like a druggy, he’s probably his dealer, what were they talking about?

ruth:

He said they were going to meet up and hunt for some camel toads

joe:

Camel toads, what’s a camel toad?

ruth:

Camel toads must be slang for drugs, so I looked it up on the internet and I found out a tribe in the Amazon lick toads because it makes them hallucinate

joe:

You think our son is licking toads? What else? sniffing frogs, injecting eels, popping tadpoles?

ruth:

I dunno perhaps they are smoking them

joe:

You can’t smoke toads you stupid woman, it’s your fault because he thinks if you can smoke cancer sticks its okay to smoke toads

ruth:

I’ve told you I have given up, after you explained how bad they are for the family

joe:

Perhaps Camel toads is the name of a drug

ruth:

Right I’m going to check his coat

ruth moves towards the coats

joe:

No we don’t want to alert him

ruth:

Oh my god, look at this, bacon sandwich, crisps and a can of lager, I think I know what this means

joe:

It’s not what it seems, I couldn’t help it

ruth:

I am so disappointed, I should have realised

joe:

I’m sorry, I’m pathetic, I’m a weak minded fool

ruth:

It’s not your fault, how could you have known but this just means are worst fears are true

joe:

What?

ruth:

Well look at this lot, this is what pot heads do after skunking up, they get the munchies, wait a minute this bacon sandwich still feels a bit warm

joe:

Quick check the other jackets

ruth

No we have all the evidence we need

joe checks another of David’s jackets

joe:

Oh no, he has started smoking as well

ruth:

Oh my goodness, where did he get those from?

they hear the front door opening

ruth:

Right, just play it cool Joe, if we are sympathetic and welcoming he will probably tell us himself

joe:

Okay good plan, calm, sympathetic, welcoming

the door to the kitchen opens and in walks david

ruth:

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE BEEN DOING TAKING DRUGS YOU STUPID BOY, IS IT ME? AM I A BAD MOTHER?

david:

What’s wrong with Mum? is it the menopause, are you having a hot flush mum, don’t worry Mum I have read about it at school

joe:

Don’t talk to your Mother like that, now is there anything you would like to tell us

david:

No, well I made it onto the football team

joe:

Really, way to go, stop changing the subject, now you better start talking about the camel toads

david:

What’s a camel toad, have you got me a pet, cool

joe:

Don’t play dumb with me

david:

I’m not the one playing dumb here

joe:

Don’t get smart with me boy. Your poor mother heard you talking to Oinky about how you were going to go hunting for Camel Toads, now tell us what it is, are you licking toads?

david:

HAHAHAHAHAAHAA, I’m not telling you two

ruth:

Oh David please we won’t be angry

david:

Oh for God’s sake, its women’s fannies and it’s a Camels Toe you idiots

joe:

Stand back he’s clearly on drugs right now

joe shakes him by the shoulder

david:

Ahhh stop it, look I’ll explain to you alone Dad

joe and david walk into another room and shut the door behind

joe:

Right start talking

david:

Mum heard me saying to Oinky we were going to hunt for some Camel Toes, a Camel Toe is when a woman has tight knickers and there is one girl Tracy Arnold who has this massive Camels Toe, it’s the size of a cheese burger, I call them Camel Toes because it looks like a Camels Toe not that I have seen a Camel’s Toe but Oinky calls them mumblers because you can see the lips moving but you can’t hear what they are saying. You should check out Tracy’s Camel’s Toe next time you pick me up from the pool

joe:

I’m not doing that people would call me a nonce, a pervert for looking at under age girls crotches

david:

Oh so that’s what a nonce is, didn’t people use to call uncle Charlie a nonce and that’s why he left?

joe:

That was just a mistake, people didn’t realise he had a lazy eye, he wasn’t looking at that girl.

david:

Is that why he had to leave and go back up north?

joe:

No it’s because he had a job offer. In my day atomic wedgies were all the rage.

david:

That’s probably why you didn’t have many girlfriends when you were young? Dad, I do have a problem you can help me with

joe:

Oh I know, you can’t stop looking and thinking about woman’s crotches and it drives you mad knowing that they are just under a skirt and you can hardly control yourself

david:

No Dad, I’m being bullied at school

joe:

No son of mine will be bullied at school, have you told your Mother about this

david:

I said Mother I’m being bullied at school but she was watching her soap so she just said “that’s lovely dear”

joe:

Right we are going to put a stop to this

david:

Are you going to complain to the head teacher?

joe:

Don’t be stupid that would just make him bully you more. You need to show this bully that you are mentally tougher than him, just like Vlad the Impaler, Vlad would go into a village and if the chief didn’t surrender, Vlad would kill every member of the village, and if they did surrender he would leave them alive

david:

Are you saying I should kill his whole village?

joe:

No, you just have to make him think you would

david:

He doesn’t even live in village; he lives 3 streets down the road

joe:

You are missing the point, the point is, you are going to challenge him for a fight

david:

What! I thought you were meant to be helping me; he is going to kick the crap out of me

joe:

No you don’t fight him, you just make him think you will, bullies never actually fight everyone knows they’re wimps. Why does he want to fight you anyway, have you done anything to anger him?

david:

I haven’t done anything, bullies don’t need reasons

joe:

Right lets go, MOTHER WE ARE GOING OUT NOT TO FIGHT A BULLY

ruth:

Where are you going, WHAT’S A CAMEL TOAD? What bully? Is he the toad dealer?


SCENE 2. ext – outside a house

joe and david are outside the bullies house

joe:

Okay do you understand the plan?

david:

No, this is a suicide mission

joe:

Come on think strong, the bully is going to be terrified, can you imagine if someone came round to your house wanting a fight, terrifying

david:

No, look can we just go home, I think he saw me from the window, he’s learnt his lesson

joe:

Just remember don’t fight him what ever you do, don’t stoop to his level. Let me do the talking

joe knocks agressivily on the door, Jimmy opens the door. Jimmy is a small skinny boy

jimmy:

Hello can I help you? Do you want my Dad

joe picks him up and pushes him agaisn’t the wall by his collar

joe:

Okay you little pipsqueak you think you’re tough, bullying my son, well why don’t you bully me, I’m going to break your twiggy little legs off

david:

Jesus calm down Dad, what about that stuff about being mentally strong and not fighting, sorry Jimmy

jimmy’s dad comes out to see what all the noise is about. Jimmy’s dad is 6 foot 2, big build

Jimmy’s dad:

Whoa whoa what the hell is going on here?

joe:

This little punk has been bullying my son

Jimmy’s dad:

Just the son down, everything is going to be alright, Jimmy have you been bullying his son

jimmy:

No, I punched him up because he kept calling my girlfriend Camel Toe and she cried because she didn’t know what it was but didn’t think it was good

jimmy’s dad:

Why were you calling his girlfriend Camel’s Toe?

joe:

Wait a minute is your girlfriend Tracy Arnold

jimmy:

Yeah

jimmy’s dad:

What’s a Camel’s Toe

joe:

A Camel’s Toe is a when a woman’s crotch has a striking similarity to the toe of a camel

jimmy’s dad:

So why was he calling his girlfriend Camel Toe

joe:

Oh it’s because his girlfriend Tracy Arnold has a massive Camel’s Toe, which all the boys go to look at every Saturday when she goes swimming, it’s like she has cheeseburger down her swimsuit

jimmy: (to dave)

Oh that’s why you call her Camel Toe, that’s quite funny

jimmy’s dad:

You have been staring at young girls crotches you pervert

joe:

No, it’s my son who’s the pervert, he has been looking at your sons girlfriends crotch which looks like a camels toe, I haven’t even seen it yet so I have no idea if it does look like a Camel’s Toe

david: (to jimmy)

Sorry Jimmy for calling your girlfriend Camel Toe, it seemed funny at the time but it doesn’t now

jimmy’s dad:

You are a nonce pervert just like your uncle; it must run in the family, the nonce family

jimmy: (to david)

It’s okay I’m sorry for fighting with you, Tracy dumped me and is now going out with an older boy

joe: (to jimmys dad)

Shut your filthy mouth, he had a lazy eye, he wasn’t looking at that young girl, I’m not having this

the two dads start fighting

david: (to jimmy)

Hey do you want to hang out

joe: (to jimmy’s dad)

I will teach you to slag off my family

jimmy’s dad: (to joe)

Are you looking at me or have you got a pervy lazy eye as well?

jimmy: (to david)

Hey that would be cool. Will you two just grow up?

david:

Yeah you are acting like a couple of kids. Adults today are so immature


SCENE 3. int – in the kitchen

joe is nursing a black eye, ruth is fussing over him and david is in the room

ruth:

Oh my god what happened to you, have you been smoking the camel toads

david:

Mum it’s CAMELS TOE and you don’t smoke them you look at them, you are so sad mum

ruth:

What is a bloody Camel Toe?

joe:

Its when a women’s private parts stick out and look similar to a Camel’s Toe

david gets his coat down from the hook

david:

Hey who put these can of lager and crisps in my jacket, Dad I told you to stop doing that, I’m going to have to wear my other coat now

ruth:

Where are you going?

david:

I’m off to go and hang out with Jimmy

joe:

You traitor, just make sure you stay away from his dad he’s bloody mental

gets a different coat down

david:

Hey who put cigarettes in my coat, Mum I told you to stop doing that, right see ya I’m off

david leaves

ruth:

Oh god I need a fag after all this worrying.

joe:

I thought you had given up?

ruth:

I thought you were on a diet? I can’t give up food and cigs, if I give up cigs I want to stuff my face and if I give up food I want to smoke

joe:

Hey how about I take you upstairs and you show me your Camel’s Toe and then you can work up an appetite for a cig, you always said they tasted better after a bit of rumpy pumpy