Friday, March 30, 2007

Amusing It Stories - Episode 21 - John Rambo is back

Morning Friday lovers. In a bit of a rush this week but luckily there is two weeks worth of stuff because I was busy last week (damn work getting in the way). Anyway thanks for all the contributions, especially Mr C, Andy, The Herb, Meechio, Chopper and Big Mo. If you have anything funny tucked away in your inbox then send it to me and it will be bookmarked on the blog for you amusingitstories@gmail.com




MR C's NEWSROUND

in pictures - commodore computer

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/6454113.stm

mapping the bombs in bagdad

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/shared/spl/hi/in_depth/baghdad_navigator/

BA Upgrades Corpse

http://www.theregister.co.uk/2007/03/19/ba_upgrade/

the above story just futhers my belief everyone gets upgraded before me, even the dead.

a man's house is his castle

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2258475.html

Bed Sharing 'drains men's brains'

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/5197440.stm

toadzilla

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2259945.html

Tesco store left high and dry

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2259878.html?menu=news.quirkies

ifans slammed for peado gag

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2260324.html

Worlds tallest man gets married

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/6502203.stm

I know what you are thinking, I wonder how big it is?

spain fielding non disabled

http://news.bbc.co.uk/sport1/hi/other_sports/1039129.stm


John Williams song mixture type thing

It's to the theme of star wars but its a song about wookies and droids and stuff in a G4 type style

http://johnwilliamsistheman.ytmnd.com/


RICHARD AND JUDY - YOU SAY WE PLAY

a piss take - actually its not far off what actually happens

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cozpanChaeY

lucy pinder and some loaded mag bloke defending lads mags

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iwMniUaxRvU&mode=related&search=

here is a video of a big breasted beauty - hooray

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RsAyQPh2qMU&mode=related&search=


EMAIL JOKE

I want to live my next life backwards.

You start out dead and get that out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better
every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect
your pension, then, when you start work, you get a
gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy
your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally
promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play,
you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, and
then...

You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in
luxury, in spa-like conditions; central heating, room
service on tap, larger quarters every day,
and then... you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case

HOSK COMMENT

of course you do end up diving from your mums fanny into your dads penis whilst they are having sex backwards


PUB DOODLE



one fat hen also known as one red hen

what? you mean you have never played a game of one fat hen, well you are in for treat, if you can understand and memorize this lot of course

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/One_fat_hen

Gameplay

The normal mode of play is that the leader recites the first line of the game and then all the players take it in turns to First - Sip the drink; Second - repeat the line; and Third - take another sip; if anyone makes a mistake, he or she must take a drink (or pay a forfeit) and ask the Leader to repeat. They then repeat the turn (Sip-Repeat-Sip). When everyone has got it right, the leader starts again, and adds the second line. Each player must now say the first and second lines, and so on, like this:

Leader - *sip* One fat hen! *sip*
Player 1 - *sip* One fat hen! *sip*
Player 2 - *sip* One hat fen!(takes a drink, and must repeat the line) *sip* One fat hen! *sip*
Player 3 - *sip* One fat hen! *sip*
Leader - *sip* One fat hen, couple duck *sip*
Player 1 - *sip* One fat hen, couple duck *sip*
Player 2 - *sip* One fat hen, two ducks(takes another drink, and starts again)
Player 3 - *sip* One fat hen, couple duck *sip*

and so on, with increasing mirth.

Original sentences

The original set of sentences is:

  • One Fat Hen
  • Couple Duck
  • Three Brown Bear
  • Four Running Hare
  • Five Fat Fickle Females Sitting Sipping Scotch
  • Six Simple Simons Sitting on a Stump
  • Seven Sinbad Sailors Sailing Sailing the Seven Seas, on a sloop
  • Eight egotistical egoists, echoing echoing egotistical ecstasies
  • Nine nude nibs, nib, nib, nibbling on nix, nags, and nicotine
  • I never was a fig plucker, not a fig plucker's son, but I'll keep plucking fig til the fig plucker comes
  • You bet your sweet ass I'm a turtle

Variations

There are many variations of the text to say, appropriate for different audiences.

Rugby variation

Here is one suitable for rugby players and the like:

  • One fat hen!
  • Couple ducks!
  • Three brown bears!
  • Four running hares!
  • Five fat, fickle females!
  • Six Simple Simons sitting sideways on a stump!
  • Seven Sinbad sailors sailing the seven seas!
  • Eight egotistical egotists eating egotistical ecstasy!
  • Nine nude nooblies noobling nibbling on nags nuts and nicotine!
  • And ten, If I were a fidpucker or a fidpuckers son, I'd pick them fids 'til the fudpucker came, and you can bet your sweet ass I'm a turtle.


RANDOM FACT

2007 - is year of the dolphin

because wikipedia says http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Year_of_the_Dolphin

he year 2007 has been declared as (International) Year of the Dolphin by the United Nations and United Nations Environment Programme (UNEP).[1]

The UN Convention on Migratory Species, together with its specialized agreements on dolphin conservation ACCOBAMS and ASCOBANS and the WDCS (Whale and Dolphin Conservation Society) have proposed 2007 as the "Year of the Dolphin" ('YOD'))



WORK DOODLE


BAD LYRICS

It's not actually the lyrics that are bad but the terrible chicken dancing, it's Mel and Kim's Respectable

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y72QPSkBFt8

and here are some sisters possible being made to a version of it, they really capture the style of the original

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzdmefJ6Mg0

here are the lyrics

Yes Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha ......
Hey man (hey man), Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, Hey man (hey man)

Tay, tay, tay, tay, t-t-t-tay-tay, tay, tay
It's our occupation, we're a dancin' natio-ion
We keep the pressure on every night
Explanations are complicatio-ions
We don't need to know the where or why
Tay, tay, tay, tay, t-t-t-tay-tay, tay, tay

Takin' chances, bold advance-e-es, Don't care if you think we're out of line
Conversation is interrigatio-ion, Get out of here, we just don't have the time

Tay, tay, tay, tay, t-t-t-tay-tay, tay, tay
Take or leave us only please believe us
We are never gonna be respectable (respectable)
Like us, hate us, but you'll never change us
We are never gonna be respectable (respectable, respectable, respectable, respectable)

Hesitation is just frustratio-ion, Give us the music and we're alright
On each occasion for your informatio-ion, We can look after ourselves alright

Tay, tay, tay, tay, t-t-t-tay-tay, tay, tay
Fascination is our sensatio-ion, We like to put ourselves on the line
Recreation is our destinatio-ion, so don't wait up for us tonight
Tay, tay, tay, tay, t-t-t-tay-tay, tay, tay

Take or leave us, only please believe us
We are never gonna be respectable (respectable)
Like us, hate us, but you'll never change us
We are never going to be respectable (respectable, respectable, respectable, respectable)

Ha-ha, ha-ha-ha ......
Hey man (hey man), Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, Hey man (hey man)

Tay, tay, tay, tay, t-t-t-tay-tay, tay, tay
Take or leave us, only please believe us
We are never gonna be respectable (respectable)
Like us, hate us, but you'll never change us
We are never gonna be respectable (respectable)
Take or leave


MR C PUTS THE WORLD RIGHT

Is it true that when you eat celery, you burn more calories than you actually consume?


Contrary to popular belief, chewing and swallowing the celery does not burn the calories, rather it is the act of digesting the tough cellulose that accounts for the energy expended. The same can be said of drinking a cold, low-calorie drink -- the body burns more calories warming the liquid to body temperature than are typically consumed.

As good as this may sound, "In a world where it takes 3,500 calories to work off a single pound of fat, feasting on celery would make only the merest difference."


EVIL EMPIRE SPAM

I don't know what/who the Evil empire but they send these emails with nonsense in them

England's Children Are Treated Ill By The Evil Empire


Philadelphia, PA – March 16, 2007 – According to a story in the February 23, 2007 of THE ECONOMIST, British children have it worse than any other kids in the world.

England ranked DEAD LAST out of the 21 highly industrialized countries surveyed in a UNICEF study.

Perhaps this is the result of years of Imperialistic greed. Or maybe it's just a fundamental flaw in the English character. Or perhaps they're just sucky parents.

The International Coalition for British Reparations is issuing a passionate plea: Stop trying to rule the world and pay attention to your children!



Find out all the truths about the British in "The Evil Empire: 101 Ways That England Ruined The World," in bookstores and online April 23rd, 2007. Visit www.evilempirebook.com.


Visit our newly launched website and learn the truths for yourself:
http://evilempirebook.com/media.php?id=9&m=03&y=2007


About The International Coalition for British Reparations
The International Coalition for British Reparations (ICBR) is a think tank of British foreign policy headquartered in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the city where America's split with Britain began in 1776. Founded on July 4, 2006, we have members all over the world.

and another

Bono's Project Red Blows 100 Million – Just To Net 18 Million!


Philadelphia, PA – March 29, 2007 – Yes, we know that Bono is Irish, but close enough. According to a sizzling EXPOSE in Advertising Age, his much-touted PROJECT RED is a total bust.

Nearly 100 million dollars has been spent promoting this faux "for profit" charity and only 18 million has actually been forked over.

This kind of math makes no sense to us.

Yet another British pop star distraction invented by the Evil British Empire to make us forget that the majority of troubles in Africa were caused by them in the first place...with their imperialism, their colonialism, their adventurism and their sucking out Africa's natural bounty to pay for their palaces and range rovers.

Bono, if you really want to help Africa, sign up and help the International Coalition for British Reparations!

Look for "The Evil Empire – 101 Ways That England Ruined The World," in bookstores everywhere on April 23, 2007.

www.evilempirebook.com
www.britishreparations.org

About The International Coalition for British Reparations

The International Coalition for British Reparations (ICBR) is a think tank of British foreign policy headquartered in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the city where America's split with Britain began in 1776. Founded on July 4, 2006, we have members all over the world.
-- "The Evil Empire: 101 Ways That England Ruined The World" www.evilempirebook.com


PORN FROM THE INSIDE

don't worry its not a weird small camera but a forum post of someone who had the terrible job of looking at pictures of naked ladies

http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/showthread.php?t=114784


YOUTUBE CLIPS

skiing down escalators

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFqQOlYE4EE

Also have you seen Van Wilder? I saw it the other day, the Turbo Lax sketch on the 'bad guy' before his big exam and interview at the end is a classic -

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCdT5VzfT_g


RETRO GAME

Boulder Dash, I love this game


this site is a real fan site, check it

http://www.boulder-dash.nl/

this game was rock hard (geddit)

Atari version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EC3rqDQopKs

different version

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5wj5iBx2FjY

it was called Rockfall on the spectrum, check out the spectrum style commentary

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypDBB3Vrqck

here is some info on wikipedia about the our hero Rockford

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boulder_Dash

the page of the original makers

http://www.firststarsoftware.com/boulderdash.htm

The java code for boulderdash clone

http://javaboutique.internet.com/Boulderdash/


Typical moaning woman

the reason they don't understand star wars is because they are not ready to understand it yet.

http://emeraldbile.blogspot.com/2005/05/star-wars-yawny-yawny-cunt-cunt.html

Star Wars: yawny yawny cunt cunt

I have never watched a star wars film, I was too young when it came out at the cinema, and too old when it came out on video, and I am a bird. Women who like science fiction are not normal, or they might be pretending to like it, to get a ride. Whatever, I hate science, and pretend science sounds like the end of a dog's cock. Science fiction, well you could say it is not really my thing. Space is just that isn't it? A space And aliens, I am not interested in them. If there is life in the sky, well bollocks to it.

Worse than star wars and science fiction dullness, worse still are people who say "Oh I really, really hate star wars, look at me with my eyes closed and my fingers in my ears going lalalalala while the thing is on because I am so hateful of it". Fuck off you people. It is just a boring kids film with people who have too much hair or wrinkles or wear a lot of metal, with weird ears. It is not a terrible thing, and Star Wars fans do not poke it down the throat that much really, as it is a bit gay to go on about pretend things in space. And what about those ones that dress up like the characters? They are quite entertaining to look at really, and quite odd. It livens things up having people in costume around being weirdos.

Much worse than people going on about loving or hating "star wars" are the stars themselves. I do not like stars at all, the big gaseous bastards exploding and showering the metorites. And I hate people who go out in the garden and look at stars and start that bollocks "oh man, we are just such a tiny part of a huge universe", they make me want to shit.
Noreen


Mighty Boosh

sound from the fountain of youth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stv1mzI16nU&mode=related&search=

tandra rap

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ycu-pQYmUQQ&mode=related&search=

The mighty boosh chapter 1 - live baby live

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IqBondSBUM8&mode=related&search=

The hitcher

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_fbkGtVyfM&mode=related&search=

The moon

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YHx9GglJYAg&mode=related&search=


USEFUL SPANISH PHRASES

¿Dónde está mi CERVEZA?
Where is my BEER?

Pare el hablar, y vaya a la barra
Stop talking, and go to the bar

....pero su pasaporte dijo que ella era 18

...but her passport said she was 18

No conozco al oficial. ¡Tenía pantalones encendido cuando dejé a hotel esta mañana!
I do not know officer. I had trousers on when I left the hotel this morning!

Ayúdeme por favor a mi hotel, un grupo de 11 personas me forzó beber puesto que los 9am esta mañana y yo no pueden ver más.
Please help me to my hotel, a group of 11 people forced me to drink since 9am this morning and I can not see any more.


WHEN I WAS YOUNG AND WE DIDN'T HAVE PLAYSTATION 3's

Someone sent round this story this week - http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/lincolnshire/6331195.stm and it prompted a Cheddar telling us how it really goes down with the fruit picking crowd. First it starts off with a game of pylon in the back of a van.

I did the packing/fruit picking work at 14 during the summer

It was a laugh as I went with friends but the conditions were awful looking back at it

They used to come pick us up in vans at 4/5 in the morning and I remember it being quite spacious in the back until suddenly another 20 25 people packed themselves in. there used to be around 40/50 squashed in the back of the van. Crazy!

You would work 15 hours a day (includes 12 hour work plus journey to and from evesham)

It was a while before I moved onto a salary (£3 an hour), at first it was peace work.. the more tails off the spring onions u cut the more money you get. I remember I had to cut around 100 in a box and I would get 50p. The box would take half hour

I eventually got promoted to label maker and I was allowed to drive the forklift.


FOOTBALL CORNER

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JtxXNuGltsI

along with some choice quotes................
----- "Funny as f*ck! Spurs will never change! Lampard gives it all when he knows he has his back up! Spurs should have won. Whats that fan gonna say to his kids "I got banned for life for missing a fat cnut just standing there" ---- "if i had the chance id beat the fck out of lampard hes an absolute c0ck and deserves a beating" --- "to all you fucking mugs that say were w@nkers, big of you on here cos you fcking retards wouldnt ever try to prove it in the tottenham high road cos you fcking know what would happen, so shhhhhh talk is cheap gooners meet in clapton before a semi with us the soviets meet in liverpool st before a quater with us were a north london team so why not come to our manor what fcking mugs that lot really are pikeys dont even show no more"

to quote Dunny

Also I don't think McLaren is quite as bad as Taylor...yet - at least not in terms of selections. If you remember Taylor's experimental phase in summer '93 when, having discarded Lineker and Beardsley he picked folks like Carlton Palmer, Tony Daley and Andy Sinton and adopted his Watford-circa-1981 tactics: long ball & 4-2-4. In the circumstances it wouldn't have been a shock if he'd called up Ian Ormondroyd, or sent the team out onto the field on space hoppers.

and if you think the England team are bad at the moment, lucky this man isn't in charge any more

The game must have been bloody tedious, because I can scarcely remember any of it and I wasn't that drunk.

At least there was some half-time entertainment where I was, in the form of a pissed-up South American lass having a row with her English boyfriend, calling him a shit and a bastard and then giving him a slap and storming off. She came back in a couple of minutes later and hung around at the bar until the enormously fat bar owner (with the biggest pair of trousers I've seen since 1990 when I once sighted Robbie Coltrane) manhandled her out of the door, ignoring her protests of "fuck you" and "I dial 999". She did indeed dial 999 and about an hour later some copper came in to have a quiet word with the large-trousered gentleman.

Anyway, what happened in the football game again?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOVsji5dL-k

SOCCER FIGHTS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0_Ikq-zM4_4&mode=related&search=

its rugby but its funny, bring out the showboat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U1914XF8afo

McClaren Quotes

http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8750_2022757,00.html

I like this one from Mers, I don't know what it means but I like it

* "People just looked lost. Too many players looked like fish on trees" - Paul Merson puts it better.

CRAZY GOALS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eXJcJ2ZM9vs&mode=user&search=

TOP 50 GOALS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yeXoxNP8_xY&mode=related&search=


YORKSHIRE

Now I'm not saying people in North Yorkshire are stupid but........

how on earth does that happened.......

Dangerous chocolate.......


WORK DOODLE




FIGHTING SPIRIT

if you think you are having a bad day then you just read about Mike the headless chicken and his will to surive, it makes Rocky B sound like a whinger

http://www.miketheheadlesschicken.org/

The McClaren debate

blame the players

http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8742_2019040,00.html

The sun goes down on McClown

http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8652_2020291,00.html


SPIDERMAN 3

I keep seeing pictures of Spiderman in a black suit for the spiderman 3 movie and I was wondering what the hell this was all about. It reminded me of bad superman and the cool bit where he flicks peanuts at the bottles in the bar, man he was bad.

http://www.themovieblog.com/archives/2006/03/spiderman_3_plot.html

check out superman here, he looks pretty down, man superman just can't catch a break

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0-sl315b5Y

what this about, filming yourself watching someone else filming themselves

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KBzd6K5oJYs&mode=related&search=

I like this response, he gets to the point, where you wearing a cape with it, were you pants on the outside of your trousers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6h-HlNsiWyg&mode=related&search=


JOGTUNES

this is a rubbish idea, tunes to jog and exercise too.

http://www.jogtunes.com/

TRUE STORY ZONE

Talking of vibrators under the bed...

that might sounds an unusual start to an email but its true because Mr C sent us this http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2261787.html?menu= where it goes on about what people have found under the bed.

anyway back on with the story



Several years ago a mate of mine and his flatmates hosted a fancy-dress party, with the theme of s£xual fetishes. Naturally he equipped himself with a massive black strap-on cock to front his outfit.

A year or so later he was unpacking boxes, having just moved flat, with the help of his folks. He got a surprise to unpack said strap-on cock which he had dumped under his bed after the party and long since forgotten about. Seems his mother - his devoutly Catholic, church-going mother - must have packed it as she was tidying his room. Not a word has been said about it by her from that day to this.

Remarkably, the best man at his wedding passed up the opportunity to include this in his speech. This was despite the fact that when the best man/groom roles had been the other way round, a few months previously, friend a (strap-on man) had taken great relish in recounting the story of how, following that same fetish party, friend b (his future best man) had been caught by police, attemping to break into his own flat, wearing a pair of tight, black PVC shorts and a T-shirt that read "Every good boy deserves a spanking".


HOSK INVESTIGATES- octogenarian

if you thought it was the bad dude in spiderman 2 with the arms all waggling and played by a fat brit actor then you were wrong, it's just someone who is 80 of your earth years.

From wikipedia

Ages can also be divided by decade:

  • Denarian: someone between 10 and 19 years of age
  • Vicenarian: someone between 20 and 29 years of age
  • Tricenarian: someone between 30 and 39 years of age
  • Quadragenarian: someone between 40 and 49 years of age
  • Quinquagenarian: someone between 50 and 59 years of age
  • Sexagenarian: someone between 60 and 69 years of age
  • Septuagenarian: someone between 70 and 79 years of age
  • Octogenarian: someone between 80 and 89 years of age
  • Nonagenarian: someone between 90 and 99 years of age
  • Centenarian: someone between 100 and 109 years of age
  • Supercentenarian: someone over 110 years of age


CLASSIC COMEDY CORNER

Harry Enfield when he used to be funnny

Association football

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yzhlAQgv7kE&mode=related&search=


AMSTERDAM ROB's MUSICAL HOT ONES

Here's what im listening to to get myself ready for tonight:
I love the last comment
Then I mix up it freestyle
Then blast everyone away with my flush win dance

HIGH STAKES POKER

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LU_pTRNDXc4&mode=related&search=

HSP S3 Ep5 Part2

HSP S3 Ep5 Part3

HSP S3 Ep5 Part4

HSP S3 Ep5 Part5


PROFANITY ADVENTURES

everyone knows swearing is cool and funny, although not as funny as penis grapheti but pretty close. Indeed swearing was the funniest thing that Ricky Gervais warm up act did, it was 20 minutes of boring clever comedy but which wasn't funny until he shouted out mother fucker, everyone laughed. Try it, go home tonight and just shout out mother fucker.

anyway, what about swearing in rubbish text based adventure games, yep you have guessed it, funny funny funny

http://www.monkeon.co.uk/swearadventure/page5.htm


QUOTES OF THE WEEK

worker1 : we have been here for 4 days and I haven't seen one good looking bird

worker2 : what about that one near us

worker1 : nah, very dowdy, moody, she doesn't look like fun and she had a stain on her blouse

worker2 : yep

worker1 : its like they are all okay but then they all have one defect

worker2 yep, a bit local

worker1 look at that one, she looks okay, quite nice, whats wrong with her, ahh look at her cheeks they are very very red

worker2 oh my god that woman is eating a plate of parsnips

worker1 and she is ugly

worker2 thats not a good combo, who the hell orders a plate of parsnips

boyfriend I went to the barbers but it looks like he has shrunk my head as well as cut my hair

girlfriend hahahaha pin head, look at your head its tiny

boyfriend hey, piss off fat head

girlfriend what, is my head really fat

boyfriend yep just like your arse and it looks like you have got those mixed up as well - arseface

Wow that was a great turd. Was your textbook log. It was like Mt. St. Mo

My vocal cords are made of tweed - I give off an air of Oxford donnishness and old BBC wirelesses
Stephen Fry in his autobiography


JOHN RAMBO IS BACK

I would like to see a film Rambo Versus Rocky or maybe they could join forces to stop aliens taking over the world. We could have a dream team, Rocky, Rambo, Captain Kirk and David Hasslehoff as David Hasslehoff.

http://www.cinematical.com/2007/03/25/rambo-iv-the-first-pics-are-online/

http://www.flynetonline.com/2007/03/rambos-last-mission-in-thailand.html


ZEEE END

I will just finish off with a tattoo on a rude place, well what better way to finish

Friday, March 16, 2007

Amusing IT Stories - Episode 20 - Going to Defcon 1

Afternoon, walk this way for fun, chortling, belly laughs and a hefty does of rib tickling. You can tell the little chap below is thinking "can I take this present off now mum"




STILL HAVENT FOUND WHAT THEIR LOOKING FOR

animals mating, is just plain sad. PLUMP MINGE, what the hell is a plump minge. Anus blowout, what the hell does that mean. Well once again these searches point to the fact it's a strange old world out their kids, so hold on to your hankies.

  • animals mating Youtube.clips
  • plump minge
  • cock expansion stories
  • hosky metal tools box
  • amusing stories about dogs
  • picturesof breasts
  • wiki snow informer
  • "jason donovan" "hair plugs"
  • how to do monkey madness quest -runescape youtube
  • mcdonalds video game/addictinggames
  • the lion sleeps tonite beatbox
  • baby strangulation from blinds and hoodie strings
  • the mens room haircutting albuquerque
  • dancin gon ice "andy peters"
  • evil leprechaun drawing
  • "dana delany" redhead
  • salton Scooby Doo Toothbrush
  • embarrasing ejaculation stories
  • anus blowout weightlifting
  • "daniel vincent" bank


MR C'S NEWSROUND

Whats the world coming to when you can't get drunk and naked anymore

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/6441461.stm

Are you upto date with the lingo

http://newsvote.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6435311.stm

drunk man posts himself

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2242389.html

firstly they have a postbox for unwanted babies, WTF

and big 'uns

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/3429903.stm

shed a few pounds

http://www.globaltalentassoc.com/site/clients/goonie.htm

The parable of the ginger minge

http://emeraldbile.blogspot.com/2006/03/parable-of-ginger-minge.html


IS IT NORMAL

An amusing site where people ask a question and then random idiots tell them if its normal and talk internet gibberish. So you can imagine what happens when someone posts this


Embarrassing ... Female ejaculation?

Well, this is kind of embarrassing...is it normal that when I orgasm I ejaculate? I never really heard of it before and I don't know if it is a good thing.

I am only 19 >.

and gets some brilliant responses

Now that is cooooool...dont be ashamed of that you have been blessed. Most men love female ejaculation and hunt it down vigorously on porn sites. You made my day.


Yeah.. wtf is up with that comment.. ALRIGHT.. lets get started.... your called a Super Squirter, or a Garden "ho's" haha get it? glad ya do... you have GIFT... one to take to PARTIES and out CLUBBING. share that with everyone... not emberrasing... AWSOME. rock out with that

You are a squirter and men think this is brilliant.
Having humped a squirter I can confirm that it is amazing and dispite the faults that a girl may have or however annoying she may be..you can quite easily put these out of your mind as the squirting more than makes up for these deficiencies.

its a gift but before a guy give u head warn him to close his eyes IT STINGS but is awesome


SPAM

This spam is crazy, trying to flog prefab Containerized Housing, how cosy does that sound. Saying that there is a house shortage.

Dear Sir,

We are Chinese manufacturer and distributor of low cost turkey rapid containerized housing for family, business, government, and relief.

Prefab Containerized Housing (PCH) system is suitable for temporary, semi-permanent, and permanent housing applications that reach beyond the typical
logistical parameters of manufactured housing. The technology is container boxes with toilets, kitchens, and utilities being fully installed in factory that can
easily expands into a multiple rooms house at site; a prefab house unit that also functions as a sealed shipping container. This is an innovative and simple
turnkey rapid-response house that can be assembled quickly and cost effectively. House units can be configured many ways at many price points and
supply with a wide array of quality furniture, household appliances, and home electronics at factory's low prices.

We invite you to step inside our website and imagine the possibilities. We set the highest standard for quality, service, and proven product performance. As
the original designer and manufacturer of the modern containerized housing, we have built a track record of success and innovation.

Yours sincerely,
Steven Huang, Director
CNU International (China) Ltd

p.s. We are looking for distributors and contractors of our containerized housing at your location. Kindly contact us for further details


FEEDERS

a lot of boyfriends are accused of being a feeder as their girlfriends grow in size. Well check out some facts about feeders

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feeder_(fetish)

http://www.channel4.com/health/microsites/F/fat_girls_and_feeders/


MORE SPAM OF THE WEEK

I don't really know what this about but it sounds dramatic

On 3/14/07, Evil Empire Book wrote:
The New York Times Declares: "Something Profound is Depressing British Youths... And We See Few Solutions"


Philadelphia, PA – March 14, 2007 – In a March 10th article that spans an entire page of America's most prestigious newspaper, The New York Times, there is a piece about the mystery depression of Britain's young people.

The article says that they spend all of their time drinking, drugging and doing petty crimes.

May we say that we know what is illing these young adults...GUILT!

They feel guilty about being the wayward sons of such an evil empire that has spread so much destruction over the past half-millennium around the globe.

Only reparations will release these youngsters and allow them to live productive lives.

So, Britain, we urge you, do what is right and pay the reparations bill.

Find out all the truths about the British in "The Evil Empire: 101 Ways That England Ruined The World," in bookstores and online April 23rd, 2007. Visit www.evilempirebook.com for a sneak preview, press and enhanced features.

Visit our newly launched website and learn the truths for yourself:
http://evilempirebook.com/media.php?id=9&m=03&y=2007


About The International Coalition for British Reparations
The International Coalition for British Reparations (ICBR) is a think tank of British foreign policy headquartered in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, the city where America's split with Britain began in 1776. Founded on July 4, 2006, we have members all over the world.
-- "The Evil Empire: 101 Ways That England Ruined The World" www.evilempirebook.com Coming to bookstores everywhere April 23, 2007!


CHILDREN AND THEIR FUNNY DRAWINGS

I know that you are wondering if I drew that but no I didn't it's much better than my drawings. My mum sent me this picture with this text

> */Quote from the mum: "/*This is my kindergartener's artistic
> rendering of a pair of scissors. I wonder what his teacher thought.
> And I am so proud of myself. I allowed myself just a small smirk
> when I saw it. I waited until he was out of the room before I
> started to cry from laughing so hard."


CHUCK NORRIS

I have an offering for your blog writes Andy B

http://4q.cc/index.php?pid=top100&person=chuck

the top 100 chuck norris FACTS!


HOSK INVESTIGATES

Phrase: Money for old Rope
Origin of Phrase: (summarised from a discovery channel prog)
hangmen were usually just other crims or homeless dudes as no-one was really fond of putting someone to death, so it was a hard role to fill.
Until William Marwood stepped up to the plate. He ran a bootmakers shop but got into the science of hanging and invesigated all sorts of different techniques, lengths of drop and tested gallows and things with bags of sand weighing the same as men.
After a few years or so, he unsurprisingly got depressed with executing people and semi-retired.

In Marwood's time there was a popular rhyme which went:

If Pa killed Ma
Who'd kill Pa?
Marwood.

So when Marwood retired James Berry jumped at the chance for this, now, prestigious job.
All went well for the first few months/years of his stint, but he started to get sloppy and booze and there was a famous case of him not checking out the gallows first and they tried to hang some poor dude about 4 times but the trap never opened. He was known as "the man they could not hang" the Queen even pardoned him!

People being sickos that they are would pay cash for any hanging memorabilia, in particular bits of the rope that hung notorious crims.
Hence the phrase "money for old rope"
The hangman would cut up the noose and rope after a hanging and sell it off.
James Berry though had a bad rep even for that. One critic said "after certain hangings Berry sold enough rope to reach to Coventry and back"


What is your favourite book on the shortlist for The Bookseller/Diagram Prize for Oddest Title of the Year?

  • Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan
  • How Green Were the Nazis?
  • D. Di Mascio�s Delicious Ice Cream: D. Di Mascio of Coventry?An Ice Cream Company of Repute, with an Interesting and Varied Fleet of Ice Cream Vans
  • The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification
  • Proceedings of the Eighteenth International Seaweed Symposium
  • Better Never To Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence


Internet Safety tips

http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1720


HOSK INVESTIGATES

what are the defcon ratings and what the hell does defcon mean and is higher better, I found the answers here http://www.fas.org/nuke/guide/usa/c3i/defcon.htm

DEFCON DEFense CONdition

In the event of a national emergency, a series of seven different alert Conditions (LERTCONs) can be called. The 7 LERTCONs are broken down into 5 Defense Conditions (DEFCONs) and 2 Emergency Conditions (EMERGCONs).

Defense readiness conditions (DEFCONs) describe progressive alert postures primarily for use between the Joint Chiefs of Staff and the commanders of unified commands. DEFCONs are graduated to match situations of varying military severity, and are numbered 5,4,3,2, and 1 as appropriate. DEFCONs are phased increases in combat readiness. In general terms, these are descriptions of DEFCONs:

    DEFCON 5 Normal peacetime readiness
    DEFCON 4 Normal, increased intelligence and strengthened security measures
    DEFCON 3 Increase in force readiness above normal readiness
    DEFCON 2 Further Increase in force readiness, but less than maximum readiness
    DEFCON 1 Maximum force readiness.


10 things from the BBC

http://www.bbc.co.uk/blogs/magazinemonitor/2007/03/10_things_we_didnt_know_last_w_17.shtml

1. The premium rate phone services market in the UK is the biggest in the world, worth £1.2bn a year - that's £20 each for every man, woman and child.

2. Terry Wogan gets paid for presenting Children in Need - the only presenter to do so.
More details

5. Prince Charles is a fan of veteran reggae artist Sugar Minott - requesting one of his songs be played while visiting a record shop in London.

6. Coffee doesn't make you more alert in the morning, according to a study by Bristol University.
More details

7. Superheroes are susceptible to snipers, with Captain America being killed by a bullet.
More details

9. There are 946 billionaires in the world .
More details

10. The moon glows a coppery red when totally eclipsed by the shadow of the earth - its hue determined by how much dust is in the earth's upper atmosphere.
More details


CARTOONS

Perryship bible - wishing well

http://www.pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF210-Wishing_Well.gif#198

fun bot

http://www.pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF193-Fun_Bot.gif#182

Cave Explorer

http://www.pbfcomics.com/?cid=PBF093AD-Cave_Explorer.jpg#162

Dilbert

goals

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20070311.html

speaking

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/dilbert-20070312.html


WORD OF THE WEEK (from dictionary.com)

Word of the Day Thursday, March 8, 2007

malapropism \mal-uh-PROP-iz-uhm\, noun:

The usually unintentionally humorous misuse of a word, especially by confusion with one of similar sound; also, an example of such misuse.

At 15, Rachel, the whiny would-be beauty queen who "cares for naught but appearances," can think only of what she misses: the five-day deodorant pads she forgot to bring, flush toilets, machine-washed clothes and other things, as she says with her willful gift for malapropism, that she has taken "for granite." -- Michiko Kakutani, "The Poisonwood Bible': A Family a Heart of Darkness", New York Times, October 16, 1998

He also had, as a former colleague puts it, "a photogenic memory"--a malapropism that captures his gift for the social side of life, his Clintonian ability to remember names of countless people he has met only briefly. -- Eric Pooley and S.C. Gwynne, "How George Got His Groove", Time, June 21, 1999

A malapropism is so called after Mrs. Malaprop, a character noted for her amusing misuse of words in Richard Brinsley Sheridan's comedy The Rivals.

Word of the Day
Saturday, March 10, 2007

effete \eh-FEET; ih-\, adjective:

1. No longer capable of producing young; infertile; barren; sterile.
2. Exhausted of energy; incapable of efficient action; worn out.
3. Marked by self-indulgence or decadence; degenerate.
4. Overrefined; effeminate.

Nor was it only the confirmed anti-democrats who thought democracy effete and worn out.
-- Mark Mazower, Dark Continent

"Editors", he snorts. "I think most of the editors I knew back East were effete snobs who showed an acute disdain for the sales and marketing side. It made me sick."
-- "Earning It", New York Times, July 9, 1995

In a democracy decadence does not arrive when the aristocracy becomes effete -- it shows up in the life of the average man.
-- Andrew Holleran, In September, the Light Changes

He wasn't refined or effete, but a horse trader, smart, clever, always with his ear to the ground.
-- Bob Ortega, In Sam We Trust

Effete derives from Latin effetus, "weakened by giving birth; worn out, exhausted; effete," from ex- + fetus, "bearing young, pregnant."


The mighty boosh

The mighty boosh are mighty indeed and they have no mighter episode than Milky Joe. Go to episode 2 if you are impatient. The general get up to speed speill is they have been cast adrift on a desert island

The Mighty Boosh Series 2 Ep6 Nightmare of Milky Joe Part 1

The Mighty Boosh Series 2 Ep6 Nightmare of Milky Joe Part 2

The Mighty Boosh Series 2 Ep6 Nightmare of Milky Joe Part 3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7jhTxaLh0Q&mode=related&search=

The Mighty Boosh Series 2 Ep2 The Priest and the Beast Part2

The Mighty Boosh Series 2 Ep5 The Legend of Old Gregg Part 2


ITS A NIGHTMARE, OKAY NOT THAT BAD BUT A BAD DREAM

a knightmare micky take

"Use the Bread Fist"

here is the real thing

all girl team - knowledge returned

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-oRANlcZTSY

another knigtmare clip

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HJo6B1x9oY8&mode=related&search=

trying to tell them the answer

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOXqiVaBfeM&mode=related&search=

warning team - you should have taken the magic lamp when you had the chance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tOXqiVaBfeM&mode=related&search=

the title sequence

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SwsrKbRIwsw&mode=related&search=


OLD INTERNET JOKE OF THE WEEK

a classic

> >

> > First time sex

> >

> >

> > A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and

> > have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the

> > girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like

> > to go out and make love for the first time

> >

> > The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

> > before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

> > some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first

> > time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells

> > the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

> >

> > At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd

> > like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on

> > the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being

> > his first time and all.

> >

> > That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets

> > his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my

> > parents, come on in!" where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

> > quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

> > A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

> > with his head down

> > 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

> > Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

> > girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,

> > "I had no idea you were this religious."

> > The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea

> > your father was a pharmacist."

> >

> > If you DON'T forward this to at least 1 person

> > you have a bad sense of humour !!!

> >

> >


MR ROSSI

Mr C was going on about Mr Rossi, I said Mr whatti?

http://www.bozzetto.com/misterrossi.htm

and a youtube dancing mix, careful it may just twist your melon right off

http://www.youtube.com/p.swf?video_id=BVRHE065-so&eurl=&iurl=http%3A//sjc-static2.sjc.youtube.com/vi/BVRHE065-so/2.jpg&t=OEgsToPDskJKmdTCIjku6W6ew1Ahxl2W

Mr Rossi soundtrack

http://www.amazon.de/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0001FA964/ref=nosim/duckfilm-21

here the song

http://www.jedisparadise.co.uk/childrenstv/Mister%20Rossi/MrRossi.mp3


KIDS TV

by popular demand I have put on Jonny Briggs, the weird northern man child

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP5u8b1L9LA

what do you want with a libriary book?

I don't know what this is but Mr C sent it to me, it's some kind of crazy cartoon called Happy Betty Factory 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYqA-boeaYw&NR


BISCUIT DOODLE



SONG ACTION

This is your weekend this is

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RiTwy33Dz5s

and here it the nouvelle vague version, which is where I first heard it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=42X9Q7WbgJY


QUOTES OF THE WEEK

I might have to go home to take my girlfriend to the doctors

would it help if I examined her chest ?

I see you are having a bit of trouble with Bird flu

Mo-san says:
text jonah about leaving early tonihgt
Mo-san says:
reply: "There goes my wank then!"

Mo-san says:
do it in the car i said

Hosk

What would you do if you came in and all the women in the office were dancing naked around a bin on fire

SB

I would like to glimpse the world you live in


MSN MADNESS

Midday Cowboy says:
bumhead
back of the neck says:
arseface
Midday Cowboy says:
sending you some used bog paper in the post
back of the neck says:
thats a fancy wedding invitation
Midday Cowboy says:
haha
Midday Cowboy says:
i know
Midday Cowboy says:
we wanted to include a little bit of us in there
back of the neck says:
very fitting
Midday Cowboy says:
and we thought what better way
Midday Cowboy says:
then a bit of mud
back of the neck says:
are making sure Gill says obey in vows
Midday Cowboy says:
"I wife, promise to have husbands' tea on the table when he gets home or have my face rubbed in it like 'Little Mo' off eastenders"
Midday Cowboy says:
:D
Midday Cowboy says:
it goes somet like taht
Midday Cowboy says:
that
Midday Cowboy says:
u checked the blog mailbox since ysterday?
back of the neck says:
nope
Midday Cowboy says:
i was busy yesterday
Midday Cowboy says:
...not with work
Midday Cowboy says:
MUHAHAHAH
back of the neck says:
excellent
back of the neck says:
I was off yesterday I had to drive the bird to the doctors because she was too weak
back of the neck says:
wimp
back of the neck says:
she only has a virus
back of the neck says:
I probably have a virus but I don't let it slow me down
Midday Cowboy says:
exactly!
Midday Cowboy says:
i have a throat like Barry White
Midday Cowboy says:
so i just walked into town yesterday
Midday Cowboy says:
and got some pastille things
Midday Cowboy says:
feel like crap
Midday Cowboy says:
but i can walk and talk and drive
Midday Cowboy says:
and type
Midday Cowboy says:
so i'm here
Midday Cowboy says:
when i p*ss blood from my eye sockets
Midday Cowboy says:
i will stay home
Midday Cowboy says:
birds


POWER OF PAINT


FOOTBALL STUFF

Quotes of the week from football 365

http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8750_1982005,00.html

from the guardians sports blog - http://blogs.guardian.co.uk/sport/2007/03/15/best_beefy_and_best_mate_1.html

George Best

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_QDx2ez6eMM&mode=related&search=

John Barnes in his pomp and not interviewing on people badly on channel errr five

http://youtube.com/watch?v=BZp_15TTCdQ

From the guardians

BEST CHANT OF THE SEASON

West Ham fans referring to Tottenham's alleged food poisoning before the

corresponding fixture last season.

"Lasagne, Whoaoa, Lasagne, Whoaoa. We laughed ouselves to bits, when

Tottenham got the s***s!"

Spurs fans give it back - with bells on.

Tune: the hokey kokey

"You put ya Argentines in, Ya Argentines out,

The Iceman comes and kicks the gaffer out

Ya selling Reo-Coker & ya going down

That's why we love to shout.......

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ***ky, ***ky West Ham,

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ***ky, ***ky West Ham,

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh ***ky, ***ky West Ham.

Misfits, has-beens, ha ha ha!!"


MSN MADNESS

Mr T says:
he looks like a boxer about to go 10 rounds....
back of the neck says:
he is revved up baby
Mr T says:
do you think he's playing the rocky tune in his head
back of the neck says:
he is going to rush into the meeting room
back of the neck says:
before he will go into the toilet and stare at himself in the mirror saying "I'm a tiger, I'm a tiger"
Mr T says:
Ah....his opponent(player 2) has taken the initiative - he sneaked into the room to raisehis chair to give him a phycolgocal edge of player 1 in the negotiations....
Mr T says:
clever
back of the neck says:
this is a real battle
back of the neck says:
its like a game of invisible chess
Mr T says:
now player 2's making him sweat....
Mr T says:
keeping him in the room....
Mr T says:
he playing the negotiator handbook step by step
back of the neck says:
the leader is back now, will player 2 call in reinforcements
back of the neck says:
the "big gun"
back of the neck says:
look player 1 is going to make the first move
back of the neck says:
player 2 responsds
back of the neck says:
this is still close
back of the neck says:
could go either way
back of the neck says:
painful small talk
back of the neck says:
now he is composed
Mr T says:
the old ... 'have you made any progress'.....meaning 'prove your worth scum'
back of the neck says:
off they go to get into their wrestling leotards
back of the neck says:
I wish I could hear boxing commentators talking about it
back of the neck says:
real out a few stats
Mr T says:
i reckon it'll be over in 3 rounds
Mr T says:
i cant see this being a draw


RETRO GAME

ZOOL

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_WTqIFLgzzQ

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciJzETKkXiY

TURRICAN 2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ciJzETKkXiY


BAD LYRICS

The classic KLF - WHAT TIME IS LOVE. The video is crazy cheap ass time capsule of 80's tastic flavour flav

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=apjTA2p_Wf8

of course really this is worse, the DOCTOR WHO song, look at those cheap darleks with someone in there

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bdTELokKfCk&mode=related&search=

here is a quick documentry on KLF, they burnt a miillion quid once

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5mNzOtm24I

here is the lyrics

Ummm-hmmm-hm
Who-nanananana
hmmmmm mmmm
Ummm-hmmm-hm-yeah
Ummm-hmmm-hm-yeah
Ummm-hmmmmmm
They're justified and they're ancient
And they like to roam the land
They're justified and they're ancient
I hope you understand
They don't want to upset the apple cart
And they don't want to cause any harm
But if you don't like what they're going to do
you better not stop them cause they're coming through
mu-mu
mu-mu
mu-mu
mu-mu
Kick out the JAMS [Motherfuckers*]

The notes'll flow, yo -- for the words I speak
Rap is weak so I teach and I reach
A positive vibe, a way of life is how I'm livin'
So get hype to the rhythm
KLF is the crew, ya hear -- yeah
Design a rhyme I just won't fear
Back to react, enough is enough
Let me ask you a question -- What Time Is Love?

what time is love?
what time is love?
what time is love?

mu mu
mu mu
mu mu
mu mu

I wanna see you sweat
I wanna see you sweat

Okay Houston, we'll give you a countdown...
four, three, two, one, fire

I wanna see you

The final chapter -- prophetic, poetic
When I'm done, this calls for anesthetic
Get to, step to, let an MC
Come in effect with Kingboy D
A wannabe, gonnabe -- ol'time sucka
You know the time, I never stutter
A feat, a dream, a-yeah seem bright
Yeah, pass the mic -- What Time Is Love?
what time is love
what time is love
what time is love

mu mu
mu mu
mu mu
mu mu

I wanna see you sweat
I wanna see you sweat
I wanna see you sweat
I wanna see you sweat
I wanna see you sweat
I wanna see you sweat
I wanna see you
I wanna see you
I wanna see you sweat
I wanna see you sweat
I wanna see you sweat

thank you, thank you


TOM CRUISE BEING TOM CRUISE

How rubbish does this look

cocktail

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5YbjzztYbUo

Rainman - I'm an excellent driver

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLQ69Wj5Y9E

on opera- we have never seen you behave this way before. What's he doing jumping all over that bloody couch and doing the Brucie fist

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmOKCsGLS30

Top Gun - this cracks me up

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMV-WqRglRY


PEEKTV

This is a site with links to lots of films, comedy, cartoons and lots of other stuff, so go and check it

http://www.peekvid.com/


AMSTERDAM ROBS HOT ONES

How not to socialise with your workers

http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=729

I want to rape you daughter

http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1723

whats the price

http://www.weakgame.com/media_16855_whats_that_price.html

borat bonus clip

http://www.weakgame.com/media_16832_sexy_drown_watch.html

clooney breaks his awared

http://www.weakgame.com/media_16714_clooney_breaks.html

cartoon

http://www.weakgame.com/media_16788_airport_sex.html

parking moron

http://www.weakgame.com/media_16575_parking_garage_moron.html

crazy drill instructor

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O-N9bQysvKc&mode=related&search=


END OF THE LINE

Well done another blog finished and another friday ticked off. The power of paint was Angelina Jolie (obviously). Thanks for all the stuff sent in good work people. If you have anything you have that is funny then send it in to amusingitstories@gmail.com

be seeing you

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Amusing IT Stories - 19th Edition - Respect the Womack!

I don't know why Mr C sent this in but I do not I like it, it's a man dressed as a cowboy, riding a horse and smoking a pipe and if you don't like that well you can stick in womacks pipe and smoke it baby


FUNNY NEW PODCAST - CHECK IT OUT
Check out my funny podcast for similar stuff but instead of being written the comedy goodness is spoken, this is especially good for people who can't be bothered to read.

Hosks Half Hour
http://hoskshalfhour.blogspot.com/


UNKNOWN COMEDIAN SECTION

Mitch Fatel

You might not have heard of him before, so increase you mind area and watch it

I'm funny
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahYqi3AQvMM&mode=related&search=

Internet and Porn
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsigp_645aw&mode=related&search=

matching bra and panties
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yxUJTbw9SW0&mode=related&search=


Bra and Panties wrestling

I thought that would get your interest, what is really good is that there seems to be quite a lot of rules.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_J6_FmIjst8&mode=related&search=



FUNNY NATURE

CATPILLERS - the invisible leaf killers
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWOC8trquFo




BAD LYRICS

This is an 80's classic, Englands version of the Beastie Boys. It's like a Harry Enfield sketch when he went to Sky and became rubbish.

Stutter Rap - Morris and the Minors
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JAIOzM7SsMo

Lyrics

Bedtime boys!
Oh mom!

Now hey there people, won't you lend an ear?
'cause I've a story to tell and I'm telling it here
I was born in a town in the great UK
From a baby to a boy to a man today
And I'm a musical man, and I'm a man of verse
But I've got a little problem and it's getting worse

Well my life was so well planned
Survivin' and a-jivin' in a f-f-funk band
'cause rappin', it's my, bread and butter
But it's hard to rap when you're born with a st-st-st, st, st-st, st,
st-t, st-t, stutter!

Well no-one's ever seen what I mean
From the age of n-n-n-n-n-n-thirteen
We've all been caught in a m-m-mouth trap
So join with us and do the st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stutter rap

Well it was '82 when I joined the boys
And I was hip, and I was cool, but now I've lost my poise
The kids, our fans, are starting to doubt
When you open your mouth and nothing comes out

And it breaks my heart that we're not on the chart
'cause the record's nearly over when the vocals start
And I'm down and out, and I'm down on my luck
And I'm livin' on my own and I'm dying for a fr-riend to say "You're great!" But I'm under the hammer
'cause all I seem to do is s-s-s-st-

Come on man!

s-s-s-st-stammer!

Well no-one's ever seen what I mean
From the age of n-n-n-n-n-n-thirteen
We've all been caught in a m-m-mouth trap
So join with us and do the st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stutter rap

Neighbours

Well interviewers turn away
Who wants to be covered with spray?
Talkin' to me for more than an hour
Is equivalent to an April shower
It's tough! Tough! Tougher than tough!
It's worse than Benny Hill and that's bad enough!
Something must be wrong with your vocal technique
When the twelve inch mix goes on for a week

I was rappin' in my club the other night
When nothin' I said was comin' out right
The crowd got angry, and this one man
He was gonna throw a bottle
He was gonna chuck a can, chuck a can, chuck it, chuck it, chuck it,
chuck it

Well no-one's ever seen what I mean
From the age of n-n-n-n-n-n-thirteen
We've all been caught in a m-m-mouth trap
So join with us and do the st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stutter rap

N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-NO, NEED, FOR SHOUTING!

W-w-w-w-why's that then?

Well, you'll wake Mr Whittaker at number thirty-two

Besides, it's not very good for the voice

(An amplifier or similar shorts out)

Uuhhh!

That's a bit harsh isn't it?

NO, SLEEP, 'TIL BEDTIME!

Talking of which it's ten-thirty already!

Is it? Ooooh!

What time do they stay up 'til in America?

(I mean)

Oh, very late. Sometimes quarter to eleven

(Ahhhh)

Well actually I've heard in New York they sometimes even stay up 'til midnight

No! No wonder they do all that shouting

(I mean)

Yes, they must be very snappy and irritable

That's right

(Ahhhh)

Do you know, I heard a story that those Toastie Boys stayed up 'til
quarter past twelve!

Really? Well that's just silly!

They're just gonna get burnt out

Burnt out!

Well no-one's ever seen what I mean
From the age of n-n-n-n-n-n-thirteen
We've all been caught in a m-m-mouth trap
So join with us and do the st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stutter rap

Well no-one's ever seen what I mean
From the age of n-n-n-n-n-n-thirteen
We've all been caught in a m-m-mouth trap
So join with us and do the st-st-st-st-st-st-st-stutter rap

Well no-one's ever seen what I mean
From the age of n-n-n-n-n-n-thirteen...

(Fades out)



MR'S NEWSROUND

http://suicidegirls.com/news/geek/20562/

Wil Wheaton, that irritating wimpy kid off Star Trek Next Generation relives his first meeting with Kirk/TJ Hooker!!!

Dancing on Ice host falls - yes it's Andy Peters

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/6429775.stm

42 stone woman left to die - it's all the fault of the NHS

http://www.dailyrecord.co.uk/news/news/tm_method=full%26objectid=18700412%26siteid=66633-name_page.html

Billionaire club membership grows

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/business/6432941.stm

sleep naked

http://sleepnaked.org/

Derren Brown is a TWUNT

http://www.ananova.com/news/story/sm_2227943.html?menu=news.quirkies

support your greyhounds

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/europe/6424937.stm

most people say if you go out with someone from your workplace you are lazy
but your sister/brother???? then you really can't be bothered to go out to find a root

50 percent of men have faked an orgasm

http://blog.light-of-reason.com/archive/poll-says-50-percent-of-men-have-faked-an-orgasm/

or so he says
genius defence
http://www.metro.co.uk/weird/article.html?in_article_id=40208&in_page_id=2

Bournmouth takes to the sewers

http://www.kablenet.com/kd.nsf/Frontpage/470C610D0796B987802572900052A4CA?OpenDocument


HOSK INVESTIGATES

why is it called on the dole

http://www.idiomsite.com/onthedole.htm

On the dole
On the dole or 'unemployed' originated in the UK where the unemployment benefit is called 'the dole'. Probably comes from 'doling out' which means handing out.

Meaning 'unemployed' this is a british term. In Britain, unemployment benefits are called 'the dole'. It may have also come from 'doling out' which is another way to say handing out.

or

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/266900.html

On the dole

Meaning

Unemployed and in receipt of state benefit.

Origin

In the UK, Unemployment Benefit has been known by the slang term 'the dole' since WWI. This derives from the 'doling out', i.e. 'handing out' of charitable gifts of food or money. This dates back to at least 1919, when it was recorded in The Daily Mail:

"You won't draw your out-of-work dole of 29s. this week."


BIG MO's QUIZ QUESTIONS

This weeks quiz questions bro.
Doing this has made me realise how cack the quiz is that we go to! Hey ho...
1. Which is the Northern-most country in Africa?
2. Which country first introduced paper currency?
3. Which country first introduced the cent into their currency?
4. Off the coast of which continent do the Seychelles lie?
5. What is the title of the leader of a Council (local authority)?
6. Name the company;


7. Which K B invented the petrol engine?
8. In what year was Martin Luther King's 'I have had a wet-dream speech'?
9. Name the 9 members of staff to leave since The Biskit's arrival
10. On which street did the Great Fire of London start?


QUOTES OF THE WEEK

What do you mean, watch the eclipse, doesn't the eclipse only happen in Cornwall or does it happen only in the day.

B Unit says:

why don't fit birds with great tits ever send me pictures of themselves in the bath all soapy and gagging for it mate? Life just isn't fair

back of the neck says:

they smell the desperation on you

like kermit said...it isn't east being green

person 1 on phone - that's weird

person 2 on other end of phone - I know it's weird


WORK DOODLE


DENIS PENIS

I was looking for some Dennis Pennis classics and found this, also by Paul Kaye - Big Bob Boonah:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vNuOowMFAEM

Here's the Dennis classic on Steve Martin:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TXQ1K91yh0

With Jim Carrey
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SarpfBmiAE

I like this one on Morgan Freeman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EozyWlpeqz4

Mike Strutter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B6YjySpGiKw

More Strutter
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9wtJz14VWEA


Reckon that will do for now - I couldn't find the real classics like "Hey Joanie, you look like a million lira"


AMSTERDAM ROB HOTS ONES

John Locke - speed painting

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8K_NQe57C-k

Ricky Gervais meets Richard Curtis

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EWFUTTPKaTA&mode=user&search=

Borat meets David Letterman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NvQScRuZj9s


CELEBRITIES DOING CACK ADVERTS

Morgan freeman

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HeNxVaPVAlU&mode=related&search=


YE OLDE JOKE - DAD JOKE

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks
on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give him back to me?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why
not?"
"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.
"Wow! That's correct," says the young man, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my
business.

NOW GIVE ME BACK MY DOG."


RETRO GAME

GODS

Another bitmap brothers classic. This game was rock hard, it looked good enough to eat but I could barely make it past the first frekin level. I like the way you can almost hover over the end of platforms, I bet younuns these days don't need the iron discipline to walk up to the exact point at the end of a platform. I think when I was young I was too mentally tired after passing the first level to get any further

here is a review of the game

http://amigareviews.classicgaming.gamespy.com/gods.htm

here is a youtube of someone showing you how its done

level 1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8FXIMrUej5c&mode=related&search=

level 2

Gods - Into the Wonderfull - LEVEL 2

level 3

Gods - Into the Wonderfull - LEVEL 3 (Part 1of2)

Gods - Into the Wonderfull - LEVEL 3 (Part 2of2)



MSN MADNESS

back of the neck says:

you read the blog yet mate

Ted Nutkins says:

bits n bobs ill have a good look in a sec, had to make some watermark shit

back of the neck says:

yawb

back of the neck says:

yawn

back of the neck says:

have they promoted you from making pdfs then

back of the neck says:

MWHAHAHAAHAAHAAHAAHA

Ted Nutkinssays:

Yeah man! im the PDF master

back of the neck says:

you could be a super hero

back of the neck says:

PDF Boy

back of the neck says:

and Watermark man


RETRO CARTOON

Dogtanion

I don't know who came up with the idea of taking a classic book

the opening credits

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WxQs_YCIeY

here is a bit of an episode - you must be punished

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dK3W6y8LyzU

Dogtanian, The next Episodes

My Forbidden love


FOOTBALL SECTION

from mediawatch on monday http://www.football365.com/mediawatch/0,17033,8749_1961453,00.html

Non-Football Rumour Of The Day
'Crazed Britney Spears tried to hang herself with a bedsheet before pleading with her estranged husband to give her another baby. In a week of rehab madness, the bonkers beauty wrote the number of the beast, 666, on her shaved head before running round the clinic screaming "I am the Antichrist!" at frightened staff' - News of the World.

I'm not saying that stuff doesn't happen to the mighty Ipswich town but you know you are having a bad season when this is news

New Dugouts for Town


1 March 2007 11:14 GMT

Portman Road's dugouts will undergo a major overhaul in the summer, leading to a number of season ticket holders being forced to switch seats. The change is being made due to health and safety concerns regarding the current arrangements.

The new dugouts will meet Premiership standards which require space for 16 players plus staff. The entire central section of the lower tier of the Britannia Stand below the directors' box will now be used by the home and away squads and their management.

The move will mean that Portman Road's capacity, which stands at 30,310 this season, will be reduced by 52 with seats lost in rows D, E, F, G, H, J and K of the Britannia Stand. Fans with season tickets in these sections have been offered new seats in other areas of the ground at the same price as their existing seats.

In a letter to the affected season ticket holders, Town ticket office manager John Ford explained some of the reasons for the switch: "Throughout the summer we will be carrying out essential health and safety work on the home and away dugouts. There is some concern about the current structure's proximity to the pitch and to reduce the risk to players, we are planning to move the position of the dugouts.

"The dugouts will be one metre further back from the pitch and, because the concrete drop down steps will be removed, the structure will be higher. The dugouts will be a more modern style and made from reinforced glass with a minimum amount of pillar supports. This should help minimise the obstruction of views of the pitch from nearby seats."

As well as concerns about player safety, the new arrangement should prevent incidents where management and fans come into conflict, as famously occurred in the mid-nineties when then-Newcastle boss Kevin Keegan reacted angrily to supporters hammering on the roof of the away dugout.


Football 365 hall of fame - Ian Rush

http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8750_1964189,00.html

Football 365 - quotes of the week

http://www.football365.com/story/0,17033,8750_1968180,00.html

Quarter-final draw
AC Milan v Bayern Munich
PSV Eindhoven v LIVERPOOL
Roma v MANCHESTER UNITED
CHELSEA v Valencia

Semi-final draw
CHELSEA or Valencia v PSV Eindhoven or LIVERPOOL
Roma or MANCHESTER UNITED v AC Milan or Bayern Munich

Let's see how Chelsea get on against a team that know how to have a proper ruck!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUSiIWqS0QY&NR

Champions League, March 6, 2007 Tempers flared at the final whistle, when Valencia’s Carlos Marchena kicked out at Inter’s Nicolas Burdisso. A video of the fight can be seen
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fSdU4h2DJ2c
and another angle
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL3jcW1MX4o
and one more

Football American style

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ITpYnvMWKZY


BIG MO'S QUIZ ANSWERS

1. Which is the Northern-most country in Africa? - Tunisia
2. Which country first introduced paper currency? - Sweden
3. Which country first introduced the cent into their currency? - USA
4. Off the coast of which continent do the Seychelles lie? - Africa
5. What is the title of the leader of a Council (local authority)? - Mayor
6. Name the company; - Intel (du du dudu)
7. Which K B invented the petrol engine? - Karl Benz (as in Mercedez...)
8. In what year was Martin Luther King's 'I have had a wet-dream speech'? - 1964
9. Name the 9 members of staff to leave since The Biskit's arrival - joke question! I can't remember all 9...ask Biskit!
10. On which street did the Great Fire of London start? - Pudding Lane

WORK DOODLE


PROFESSIONAL CODE

here is some testing logout I was producing today. Oh yes I am a true professional.

DEBUG 2007-03-09 12:22:49,831 :: : Dbconnection - the connection wasbeen
DEBUG 2007-03-09 12:22:49,831 :: : Dbconnection - USER = rooter
DEBUG 2007-03-09 12:22:49,831 :: : Dbconnection - PASSWORD = tooter
DEBUG 2007-03-09 12:22:49,831 :: : Dbconnection - CONNECTIONSTRING = bigbopblooper


SENT IN FROM THE MAN WHO WEARS FURRY HATS

I shall let the man who's music sounds like a bagpipe deflating in a town hall introduce the next piece. I like the music as well

super low-fi goofball animation from ages ago. deadly simple but it put a smile on my idiot face

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-3JCESdFNyw&eurl

and here is some more, beastenders from cyriak, just don't try to understand it

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3S3Txsl2vs&mode=related&search=

this was near it on Youtube, Noel Edmunds take the mick out of a handicap and then tries to back track. This is like watching Gervais in the office, gorgeous face

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ7Ym-W3NwM&mode=related&search=


Done and Dusted

Well that's the end of another episode, thanks to BigMo for his new quiz section, I'm loving it, I can feel my brian expanding by just reading it, that mispelling was a joke the rest were put in me being rubbish at spelling. Well done Mr C for his newsround section, great work. Also Salty has popped in something last two weeks and a big up to Dunny for handing in the Denis Penis and Mike Strutter links, it reminds that Paul Kaye was actually funny once. Hats off to you one and all