Thursday, December 21, 2006

Amusing IT Stories - 9th - Xmas rated edition

Merry Xmas everyone, Merry Xmas all the people who have accidently found themselves on this site whilst search for some crazy words jumbled together. Congratulations you are the 5000 viewer and you win a free read of this blog

I was going to try and give it a Christmas theme but I have been busy busy, so you will get what you are given. Here have a look at Santa, he seems to have one too many sherrys. The picture was found here

I like to kick off the gig with one a crowd pleasing clip and this week we continue the Microsoft Balmer time, this is my favourite, I love the enthusiasm he has and I wish my company meetings were just like this

Check out my funny podcast for similar stuff but instead of being written the comedy goodness is spoken, this is especially good for people who can't be bothered to read.

Hosks Half Hour


I love this video, whenever I see it I just wish that any meetings/presentations I go to have someone doing something similar. I was trying to find the video but didn’t know what to type so Mr C said, just type in Monkey balmer and hey presto it worked


This section is a list of phrases typed into a search engine and they then ended up on this blog, this week there are some crackers. I particularly like "where can I find a quiz that tells me if im a raciest". Well if you are typing that in you probably are. Other beautys include "directions on giving a wedgie" and I do like "minge stories" but is it a story told by a minge or about one. I like the one that is split up "stories, dogging, carpark" You can tell who ever typed that in is a man who knows what he wants and it's mainly about stories of dogging.
  • cartoons for barmaids at Christmas
  • scarlett hill magazine spanking stories
  • download "famous laugh" joe pesci
  • where can i find a quiz that tells me if im a raciest
  • directions on giving a wedgie
  • minge stories
  • wedgies and spanking
  • "ugly Christmas decorations"
  • awooga
  • breathalyser and problems with breasts
  • spanking stories from a taste of the brick
  • freddie shepherd vomit quotes
  • blind date cilla black sayings
  • hanging wedgie stories
  • amusing military stories
  • stories, dogging, carpark
  • stag night catch leprechaun urban myth
  • e-bay toys big loo robot
  • drinking at lunchtime funnies
  • boon theme tune song lyrics itv
  • hosk boots
  • paul zenon christmas
  • brian johnston leg-over "do stop it" aggers mp3


This section talks about proper games where the graphics were rubbish and gameplay was king. In my day games used to be so hard you would have to play for a week just to get onto the third screen and no one completed games.

This was a spectrum classic handed in by the Biscuit this week. Armed with only a knife he runs along and stabs hundreds of people and I like the way they turn instantly into skeletons

Green Beret (also in Europe known as Rush N Attack)

here is a review of the game

and don't you forget you play for hours and hours just so you can see this screen


This is ridicoluos which is why we love it, sent in by the king of sprouts Mr C, who has this comment on the video
people must have been putting most of their earning nostril wise

here is the vid
which represents the lyrics literally

jumping frog


Prefab Sprout - The King Of Rock 'N' Roll

Here are the lyrics

All my lazy teenage boasts are now high precision ghosts
And they're coming round the track to haunt me.
When she looks at me and laughs I remind her of the facts
I'm the king of rock'n roll completely
Up from suede shoes to my baby blues

Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque
Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque

The dream helps you forget you ain't never danced a step
You were never fleet of foot, hippy.
All the pathos you can keep for the children in the street
For the vision I have had is sweeping
- New broom, this room, sweep it clean

Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque
Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque
High kickin' dandy, fine figure fine cut a fine figure fine oh yeah ;
Long legged candy, fine figure fine cut a fine figure fine oh yeah ;

Now my rhythm ain't so hot, but it's the only friend I've got
I'm the king of rock'n roll completely
All the pretty birds have flown now I'm dancing on my own
I'm the king of rock'n roll completely
- Up from, suede shoes to my baby blues

Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque
Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque
High kickin' dandy, fine figure fine cut a fine figure fine oh yeah ;
Long legged candy, fine figure fine cut a fine figure fine oh yeah ;
Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque
Hot dog, jumping frog, Albuquerque


Rats on a plane
(hey there could a movie in this)

Grandma we love you (they aren't just for Xmas you know)


This was sent in and sent out to someone whilst drunk by the Birmingham Bishop. Who when he found out he sent it said this

I’ve just found out that when I got home last night I sent an email

What the hell was I thinking?

It read even odder the first time when I thought it said casualty, anyway here is the email, get ready to bend your mind in on itself.

Causality Sucks

I've just spent my lat 3 hours, pissed, trying to rearrange my mind.

We make the assumption that time is liner , and we make assumptions
based on that.

Fine, I understand that; it means that every action has a
pre-determined outcome.

Stay with me here... What if our brains work on a quantum level?

How many times have you had a bad feeling, or strange dream, that
never quite fit in to the box?

Our brains are complex organisms, as far as I know science cannot
measure the synaptic data that is processed.

We are inventing computer chips that are almost processing at a quantum level.

Here is the leap of faith...

Assume that our brains work on a quantum level. This would mean that
we could perceive changes outside of our normal time and space. This
could mean we could actually predict the future of our current

For a bonus point, try to explain this to a sexually frustrated girl friend. :-)

I'm still struggling with duality

Sleep well


From the twisted minds at B3ta

Here it is, the classic Ronan doing the vogue. How apt that they are on Gay Burn's show: For all the people who think boyzone are rubbish now, you should have seen them back in the day

Big up to the 40
Word to your mother; YO VIP KICK IT, Vanilla with the 9's


Somone rang up and said he couldn't come in today because

"I've got a blocked nose"

and another one. It's not an excuse but it's not playing by the rules because his wife rang up and said he wouldn't be coming in.

Teletext porn , I saw this on mediawatch on Football365 on Wednesday

here are some of the best. The words that spring to mind when looking at them is - YOU KNOW YOU WANT IT. I'm sure these teletext lovelies


this was written in the source control to explain the changes someone had made

Mysql select creators created, thank you creator for the opportunity to create this sqlcreator for Mysql


I read this article in the newspaper and the views of this weasel are staggering piece of journalism, which has to be read to be believed. what I found more scary was all the comments of people agreeing with him. even the title is work of art

Littlejohn: Spare us the 'People's Prostitute' routine...

I think it's the style of the article that really adds to the piece, bits like this

"And I know this might sound frightfully callous in the current hysterical, emotional climate, but we're not all guilty"

We do not share in the responsibility for either their grubby little existences or their murders. Society isn't to blame.

It might not be fashionable, or even acceptable in some quarters, to say so, but in their chosen field of "work'=", death by strangulation is an occupational hazard.

That doesn't make it justifiable homicide, but in the scheme of things the deaths of these five women is no great loss.

They weren't going to discover a cure for cancer or embark on missionary work in Darfur. The only kind of missionary position they undertook was in the back seat of a car.

Of course their friends and families are grieving. That's what friends and families do. But they should also be asking themselves if there was anything they could have done to prevent what happened.

If you discovered your daughter had gone on the game to feed her heroin habit, wouldn't you move heaven and earth to get her off it?

Frankly, I'm tired of the lame excuses about how they all fell victim to ruthless pimps who plied them with drugs. These women were on the streets because they wanted to be.

At Ipswich Town's home game on Saturday, there was a minute's silence. We were supposed to believe that this was a true reflection of the community's sympathy.

I don't buy it. Most people went along with it in the spirit of emotional correctness and through fear of getting their heads kicked in if they didn't.

There was only one thing missing, but don't bet against it.

When Blair gets back from saving the Middle East, don't be surprised if he turns up at the funeral of one of these unfortunate women


I am loving this weeks power of paint, it is so simplistic but yet utterly brilliant. It is a work of art from Mr C. To give you a clue it's a topical piece.


xmas games

here's a collection of 25 games, a couple of them very good


Man fell asleep on railway line

Indian athlete fails gender test

What the hell is a gender test, I can only imagine it must involve some "cupping" and the use of Mick Dundee

Husband wins £3m over sex problem



From the section that brought you Rocky 6, here comes another golden oldie

talking about old films, here is a die hard for teaser

die hard 4 teaser

but moving on from that, I had been scared they would make a right dogs dinner of it, who knows what it will actually be like but at least it looks good TRANSFORMERS, introduced by Amsterdam Rob

Check out the new transformers trailer out today, this is the best film EVER


When did you leave

I don't know, I lost the facility of time by that point

he is sick today his wife just rang in... at 9.30

some poor bloke has had his wife stolen from him by Noel Bloody Edmunds.

and the response to that was.......(wait for it)......

He will just have to deal (or no deal) with it…

A reply to a wedding invitation

"I have been very slack and haven't replied to your wedding invite yet but don't worry I would love to come and get drunk and shout at all of your guests."

no more tea breaks in 2006, it's a sobering thought


Some MSN conversations are a complete shambles and wouldn't happen in the real world, send them in to



Monster says:

i can hear u thinking

Xmas Helper says:

if you could hear me thinking, all you would hear woudl be

Monster says:

i wanna walk like you, code like you too oo oo oooooo

Xmas Helper says:

minge minge, boobs boobs, minge minge, boobs boobs


one attempt to beat the drink and drive test, failed but at least he tried?


Elephant boy - After telling me of that he was off to india, helping to spot tigers on elephant back.



scientists have discovered that childhood obesity could be linked to the growth in size of children's mouths. Professor Adrian Chinmonger said "children today have mouths twice as big as children in the 1940's". The news will bring some Xmas cheer junk food retailers, A McDonalds checkout worker said "this is very good news"

Mouth education

As well as having mouth increases of 100 percent in size todays children are much better educated in how to use them. Children when born instantly try to put food into their mouths often apeing their obese parents

hands like shovels

The real culprit of childhood obesity is evolution. Scientists have discovered childrens hands are becoming more shovel like with the fingers being placed a lot closer together. When a child of today is equipped with such a quick way to transport food into their mouth, there is really only one outcome, obesity.

Cowell unveils Cowell talent show

High trousered TV overlord Sir Simon Cowell is to make a series searching for the new Simon Cowell. A show which follows the success of BBC Two's "How do you solve a problem like Ronnie Corbett" which saw Trevor Richards starring in a summer comedy show as Ronnie Corbetts stunt double and then as Ronnie Corbett 2 in a number of sketches which saw him sit in large armchair and recall 'funny' stories.

Beat Cowell

Cowell beat the BBC to the rights to the show Search for Cowell which will scupper the plans of the BBC who have desperately been trying to find a Simon Cowell of their own. Cowell said about the role of Simon Cowell "in my opinion it will be the most sort after role in the galaxy".

finding the new Robson and Jerome

contestants will be asked to wear trouser to a very high altitude and have square haircuts. One of the rounds is believed to involve trying to fing the new "Robson and Jerome" and another round is believed to involve throwing water at cardboard cut-outs of Louis Walsh. The grand final will include a knockout style show where the first Simon Cowell to make a contestant on the X Factor cry is declared the winner.


-----Original Message-----
Sent: 14 December 2006 19:03
Subject: Re: chut

covered with rusty, reddish hair. His beard cascaded down his chest-
had wandered I had jumped. Getting an arm around his neck, grappling
The experience that you are about to have is vital to your
wasted the Killerbot with that gun you now have tucked into your belt,
codicil aloud.
and he came complete with studded metal helmet and heavy leather
The imaged clouds blew by and a massive five-sided building appeared
Thank you, thank you! Of course, as you have ordered., The wrinkly
hammer that banged the starter on the shoulder. This was an
Then summon your troops. Get one of your techs to research all your




Xmas Helper says:

While we were in the pub this old woman in joggers with her pot bellied husband

Xmas Helper says:

just ordered a sambuca and then was sipping it, going hmm, it's not bad, shall we get a bottle for xmas

Xmas Helper says:

it was like the fucking drunken bakers

all hail Santa says:


all hail Santa says:

"have you got the port????"

all hail Santa says:

"weren't we baking a cake?"

all hail Santa says:

"where's the f*king port??"

all hail Santa says:

"oh you're dead"

all hail Santa says:


all hail Santa says:

random boozer talk

all hail Santa says:


Xmas Helper says:

sipping sambuca at lunch is not right

all hail Santa says:

shots at lunch or spirits in general

all hail Santa says:

beer/lager is fine at any time of day

all hail Santa says:

even brekkie

all hail Santa says:

but the hard stuff

all hail Santa says:

that should be reserved for the wee small hours

all hail Santa says:


all hail Santa says:

as i realise on monday

all hail Santa says:

at a funeral

all hail Santa says:

before you all head off to the church to listen to father ted (he was a roman catholic irish priest with a big red nose)

all hail Santa says:

you have some sherry

all hail Santa says:

or a snifter or whisky

all hail Santa says:


all hail Santa says:

now is this to steady your nerves on an emotional day?

all hail Santa says:


all hail Santa says:

it's just coz the church is -10o

all hail Santa says:


Amsterdam Hosks 3 top ones

holiday tips from a Mr Bean would be better

Fat kid falls out of ride

I love the contrast of Fat Boy crying and the woman abosutly pissing her pants

this video highlights the reason why everyone should know when they have had enough booze


This weeks episode guide is from AIRWOLF – doo doo doo dodododododdo do

The episode is called -the first one

Short summary

Airwolf's Creator, the insane Dr. Charles Henry Moffet, has left a timed 'logic bomb' in the Lady's computers, a deadly program which will turn Airwolf into an out-of-control killing machine. Hawke and Dominic enlist the aid of a former F.I.R.M. computer genius, Dr. Karen Hanson, to help them reprogram Airwolf in time to go into Soviet territory to retrieve an American scientist on a peace mission.

Detailed summary

In the midst of it's key part in delivering and collecting a leading American scientist to top secret sanctions aimed at cooling international tensions with Russians, Airwolf develops a seeming computer virus in it's systems, which periodically takes pilot control and makes it a potential killing machine in the air. The systems have been taken over buy a "time-bomb" left by the chopper's evil creator, Dr. Moffett, who has programmed it to begin the deadly behaviour if not given it a recognition code by him at that time. Hawke and Dominic must decide whether to let the Firm scientists try and work on the machine - risking having them snatching it back away from them - or to find another way to try and cure The Lady before completing their part in the sanctions, knowing that if they fail to completely cure it, they jeopardise not only international relations, but potentially hundreds of lives...

Yesterday was horrible

I had an appointment with my counselor at 5, but when I got there I was told that he left at 4! I was definitely not wrong with the time because 5 is a good time for me as I finish work at 4.30

When I got home and called my mum to arrange her 60th Birthday meal she told me that my sister-in-law's dad had died suddenly from an aneurysm. I can't believe that this time two years ago she had two parents and now they are both gone

I have a job interview tomorrow!

Every time we say goodbye

Went to London from work to meet 'the boy'. He wants me to move in. I probably will!

This makes me sound like a bad person - seeing someone behind my boyfriend's back, but isn't he the selfish one? If he really loved me he'd let me go.

On the way home on the train a beggar got on. It made me so sad. He had a skinny dog that must've been so cold. I gave him £5. He smelt really bad and when he got off left a really bad smell so the people getting on at the next stop thought it was me. I had six seats all to myself!


now that the onion isn't as funny as it used to be, why not try a some newsbiscuits to chew on

The worst album covers

Amusing stories

a nice story from the register about some nice naming of pictures



all help Santa


all help Santa

just been for haircut

all help Santa

"The Men's Room"

all help Santa

in town

all help Santa

3 youngish lads

Xmas boozersays:

nice name

all help Santa

all 20s maybe early 30s

all help Santa

sky sports news on big telly

all help Santa

(no sound)

all help Santa

artic monkeleys blaring from ipod speakersetup

Xmas boozersays:

it's a good narrative this

all help Santa

and got a bottle of beer with my hair cut

Xmas boozersays:


all help Santa

(that was the punchline)

all help Santa


all help Santa


all help Santa

think about it logically

Xmas boozersays:

= bearcut

all help Santa

your hair grows

all help Santa

it's a pain

all help Santa

getting it cut is 1hr of your life you could be boozing

all help Santa

these guys have done the impossible

all help Santa

and recooped you that time back

all help Santa

all help Santa

how is tomorrow's tome coming?

Xmas boozersays:

now all we need is for them to have beer fridges in shops, the boys can drink booze whilst the birds look at endless tops


SQUARE THE CIRCLE (office) - Perform a difficult or impossible task.

SQUARE THE CIRCLE (pub) - when one of your friends pulls a stunner on a night out


Newton's Law

Genre: Drama, Comedy, sci fi

Tagline: He was their inspiration. He made their lives extraordinary.

Plot Outline: In world where maths is banned and thinking outlawed, one teacher had the guts to teach it

Painfully shy Tim Meeks starts at a new boarding school Saint Bernard's where his brother is the most popular boy in the school and captain of the soccer team. Meeks gets teased in the playground and is called mongaloid meeks. His room mate James Faraday who is also a genius but is bullied by his overbearing father was teased in the playground where he was called spaz boy and mongoloid meeks until one day someone gives him a soduko and then suddenly everyone realises he is infact a genius. He is entered into the School Sudoku championship and is struggling until his inspirational teacher tells him he gave him a special drink which means he can't lose. Inspired by the fact he can't lose he thrashes everyone in the tournament only to find the teacher didn't really give him a magic potion and all he had to do was to believe in himself. At the end the girl who wouldn't speak to him earlier suddenly wants to hang out with the sudoku champ and the pupil gives the teacher the thumbs ups.


right for those of you who didn't guess the power of paint was Leona from X Factor, go back and check it, it's a good likeness.

Merry Xmas everyone and I hope this helps to make the day go a little bit speedier for the poor suckers who are at work this friday.

If any readers of this blog have something they would like to contribute then post it along to

Be seeing you

Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Amusing It Stories - 8th Edition - if you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit

Afternoon all, nice day for it isn't it. I tell you what I would like to do, jump into a really cold swimming pool or river, you first. I am staring to feel the Christmas vibe happening, especially when you see the Christmas directions that have gone up in the office. oh dear I'm meant to call it winter celebrations I aren't well below is aptly describes what I think of that.

I'm not sure where he stole it from but this was lovely picture was sent in by the man with the golden compass. Good work lad. Todays episode is a good one, I have some brilliant clips starting with the one below, go and eat it up you wriggler.

I had a choose today, do this blog or go out boozing so go out boozing I did, hence the lack of cartoons, oh well.


I'm starting with this because it is brilliant, if you are having a bad day this will cheer you up I heard this clip on the radio today and was laughing my head off, if you wondered if Ricky Gervais was the first to do the laughing on radio gig then you are very wrong. I challange anyone to listen to this and not laugh. This gaffe is from Brian Johnston and is the infamous 'leg over' discussion, which just ends in laughing with Aggers.

that's so funny you should go and listen to it again, go on god damn you. I love the sound


oh my god I'm crying, I have got to stop listening 4 times today and that's my lot. Aggers for goodnees sake do stop it.

I have a couple this week

Scooby Snacks (office)[n.]Token compensation. "The gift certificates they gave us instead of a Christmas bonus were scooby snacks."

Scooby Snacks (pub)- The bribe offered to a friend to get him to come out drinking with you where he of course will spend loads more money and feel rubbish the next day all for the sake of one pint (Scooby Snack), especially bad if the person is playing wingman and the crafty devil has a date lined up.

Extraview (office) [n.]An second interview you feel obliged to hold even though the position has already been filled. Can also happen when the candidate is just so damn hot.

Extraview (pub) Going on another date with a girl who you know you aren't going to see more than a few times just in case you case you can get a bit of action


The ever interesting section keeps up the good work, someone actually typed in Atomic Walrus (what would you expect that search to return?). I like the thought of people looking for a meaning in the word awooga, it's like trying to find the sound of ice cream.

  • awooga meaning
  • Atomic Walrus
  • Cdcdedcdcc
  • gordon ramsey, pork recipe, trinny and susanna
  • playstation 2 bully:where are the rubber bands
  • massive wedgie videos
  • boobs atomic
  • kids buzzcut stories
  • awooga sound
  • mcdonald's employer undresses story
  • faith i wish i were a leprechaun poem by margaret ritter
  • how did george foreman end up a grill spokesman
  • review on the house of the scopian
  • good and evil at gcse r.e. powerpoints
  • dvd fashanu why you shouldn't be a footballer
  • jokes topical ipswich prostitute
  • Xmas do's and dont's
  • stories covered cum nipples twist
  • scholastic book club conversations with god hoax


Christmas Cards, what is the point of them, people buy a packet of 100 and then put your name on the top and might as well stamp theirs on the bottom and then send it to you, no thought, no meaningful message and the only thing that happens is that you feel guilty enough to buy them one back, why??!?!? Just all stop and only send them to people you don't see other wise just say happy fucking xmas to the other miserable sods in your office, OKAY. I won't even go into the fact the Christmas card themselves are digusting little creatures churned out by some idealess cretin who really should just end his misery and ours by quiting and take up a career as Mr Brittas impersonator.

Unless it's like this card (above and left) here which seems like a thinly veiled attack on the person. This card is saying you only have sex with your bird once a year, MWAHAHAHAHAHAA.



I've have been dieting for 5 years now and I despite the doctor saying I need to act urgently or I will get diabetites, I think it has gone okay, in that time I have only put on 4 stone. When I got to my monthly doctors appointment I was out of breath because the the doctors is 500 metres from the bus stop, it's too far to make in one journey and I had to stop because my legs had swelled up and my ankle hurt. Luckily I had an emergency mars bar and ate it in two bites. I didn't really understand what's so bad about diabetes until the doctor said it would mean I couldn't mars bars or any sugary snacks, I don't eat that many, only 5 a day but I would miss them and I don't like any vegtables or fruit, except baked beans.


Karate Kid

When Johnny Lawrence (Cobra Kai's prize fighter) with the weight and experience advantage locks horns with Daniel LaRusso in the Karate Championshp final (which you have to be a black belt to enter). I herby put to you fair people of the jury that when weedy LaRusso hops around the ring into the "crane" position that in real life it would turn out differently. In real life Johnny would easily block the pathetic kick and then give LaRusso a "right good pummeling" with something like a jumping reverse kick which although Miyagi's washing cars, painting fences, trimming bonsai tree and no sparring what so ever training has no answer. LaRussu loses his chick, throws his bike in the bin again and goes on to become a bum on the streets shouting at anyone who will listen to "never trust a chinese man with your dreams"


Below is one of the worst decorations I have seen, so of course I had to purchase it. It cost me one whole pound but it's worth it for all the festive joy it brings to everyone who comes into contact with it, I mean him


This are all back dated salutes because I am still letting you people get your tiny brain puddles around the idea because you are all probably too busy watching the X Factor final (a real competition where the only winner is high trousered kirkanoid Simon Cowell). So if you lot can tear yourself away and set yourselves off down town and drink a load of booze and then do something silly, you too can earn yourself a Hosking Salute, send them into

Rick – for stealing the towel for wiping your hands in a curry house and thinking it was the shroud of turin until the next day and then realising all he had was a piss soaked towel

Chopper - for when being drunk leaps over the fence to retrieve a football. Successfully achieving his mission the soldier makes his way back completely unseen by enemy snipers. He adds a flourish to the mission by doing a roly poly on a small childs slide and completely and utterly flatterns the slide, much to the horror the of the owners who had somehow got in the "blind spot" of our brave soldier. Yes they were there watching from just inside their house as a drunken fool leaps over kicks a ball back and then squashes their little ray of lights slide and then jumps back over their neighbours fence to join the party. Good work lad.


Come in Early
Everyone knows people who come in early must be doing loads of important work that needed them to leave their beds early because it just couldn't wait one half an hour longer. Managers believe that they are working at least 1000 percent more than their slothful fellow workers who arrive on time or later.


Mr Miyagi, Daniel LaRusso (okay I can believe that one) or anyone else in the cast of Karate Kid didn't know Karate, can you believe it. Mr Miyagi (real name Pat Morita) was in fact a comedian.

Here are some facts from IMDB on Karate Kid from

Pat Morita was initially turned-down for the role of Mr. Miyagi because there was a "no comedian" policy when looking for an actor. He was later given the role because he was best for it after reading.

The last spin kick that Daniel is hit with before he is saved by Mr. Miyagi actually hit Ralph Macchio and hurt him.

William Zabka (Johnny) had no martial arts experience prior to being cast in the film. However, he was an accomplished wrestler.

The scenes in this film where Mr. Miyagi is using chopsticks to catch flies in midair is an obscure reference to the film Miyamoto Musashi kanketsuhen: kettô Ganryûjima (1956) where a very similar scene is used.

The yellow classic that Daniel works on in the "wax-on/wax-off" training scene was given to Ralph Macchio by the producer and he still owns it.



I was wondering what to do with this section (put it in the big I hear you shout) but I have changed it to be just about games I played when I were a lad. When I was young playing games were simple, you only had punch, kick, knee and jumping kick, none of this combo nonsense.

We start with a classic TARGET RENEGADE and all I have time to say is Watch out for Big Bertha

Large link

small link

send me you favourite games of the past to


They have just gone up in my work place and I thought we could


This week as you can obviously tell is called ROBOT MONSTER and not GUERRILLAS IN DIVING SUITS as I initially thought. This is fro the and you should definitly check out the mpg for this film, terrifying funny.

Of all the insane b-movies, our title at hand takes the cake my friends. Ed Wood did some darn funny things, but he never tried this one on us. You did read the description for Ro-Man right, well it's even more amusing when you see it. Anyway, this thing has almost wiped out the human race, it's 1953 and we were watching the Russians, never saw the space gorilla sneak attack coming. Besides, it shoots Calciator Death Rays, which appear to be the film negatives, but they're really deadly cosmic rays. So the last dregs of humanity are eight people on Earth and the garrison aboard an orbiting space platform. (Which looks like a reject "Rocky Jones" special effect, now there's horror.) Everything has settled down into a routine, with Ro-Man looking for the humans and them hiding out behind their forcefield. Johnny decides to go for a walk stumbles across the monster's cave, which is fairly conspicuous since the radio is constantly spewing bubbles. (I have no idea either.) Immune to the effects of a cosmic ray which destroys rockets and space platforms courtesy of the Professor's miracle serum, our little commune is still doomed if Ro-Man finds them. Alice uses this excuse of impending doom to fall for Roy, lucky thing considering he's the only male alive not related to her. (West Virginians probably didn't get that one.) The honeymoon is short lived, as the gorilla starts finding people and strangling them, but he can't kill Alice. He's in love with her! The Great One doesn't understand love so he destroys Ro-Man and our world, almost the end. What almost? Well Johnny wakes up, it seems the little boy hit his head and dreamed the whole thing... the end. Lovers of classic schlock will adore "Robot Monster" and it's honestly a blast to watch. Lessons Learned

Green DotCaves are perfect for social gatherings.
Green DotLightning causes some really weird stuff to happen.
Green DotSpace gorillas love bubbles.
Green DotRather than calling attention to your location, a forcefield made of copper wires arcing electricity makes you invisible to scanners.
Green DotLumpy women should not wear tight, backless halter tops.
Green DotAntibodies will protect you from cosmic rays.
Green DotDon't stick your tongue out at Ro-Man.
Green DotWhenever danger threatens women should be picked up and carried away from it.
Green DotKissing a girl's forehead will drive her wild.
Stuff to watch for
Green Dot1 min - We don't get to see Ro-Man's picture in the beginning to increase our terror at the first sight of him!
Green Dot6 mins - The food was poisoned! (Just kidding.)
Green Dot7 mins - What in the hell is going on? Why is there a Caiman with a sail on it's back in the middle of a desert? Now stop motion effects! Back to the lizards! Ahhhhhh!
Green Dot8 mins - Johnny was wearing pants, now he's suddenly wearing shorts.
Green Dot20 mins - Amen sister!
Green Dot24 mins - That's a V2 rocket, not exactly the sort of thing people fly in.
Green Dot30 mins - Goodness, Ro-Man is a horndog!
Green Dot33 mins - Guy in a gorilla suit walking up a hill...
Green Dot40 mins - You know, if you take the thumb to forefinger circle as meaning anus, this scene is downright raunchy...
Green Dot54 mins - Wow, didn't expect that!
"Moffett´s Ghost"


This was sent in by the Man with the golden compass

1. This is a genuine comment.

// Nothing of any interest below...
// Probably best to ignore
Close your eyes and hope for the best - not the best strategy for getting code to work.
(The code below actually turned out to be quite interesting.)
//this is abit of a fudge as it will only work with certain length strings.
String listID = listVal.substring(15, 21);
Yup, it will. And sure enough StringIndexOutOfBoundsException were found in abundance when this code was run.
The developer could have at least put a try-catch around this code and output a more useful error message, like "Not yet implemented in ". Or is that asking too much?


This weeks power of paint was done by the Man with the Golden compass and I think it's evident he has clearly broken the 5 minute barrier with this fine effort.


sent in from Hong Hong Fooeey

greatest football chant ever....Don't blame it on Biscan, don't blame it on Hamman, don't blame it on Finnan, blame it on Traoré. He just can't, he just can't, he just can't control his feet.

From Locky Balboa

The later punch was horrible, but after that tequila it tasted OK.

the punch looked minging later coz someone spilled loads of salt in it (oh and hosk put every remaining spirit in there plus lots of lambrini)

i felt so bad Sunday morning i watched the whole of hollyoaks coz i was too lazy to leave the room, not been that bad for a while

I hate using someone else's mouse because when you come back to use your own it feels wrong in your hand

What's the name for a group of geeks, a gaggle, like geese only different. Maybe a GHz of geeks

It must have seem quite surreal to someone who walked in because there was a woman being roughed up by her bloke, whilst we were eating popcorn I brought from the cinema, boozing and watching on

"To topless barmaids! Bar fights! Drunkard old farts with no teeth! £1.40 a pint! And Piss stained pool tables!!"

The reply to the above comment was

"Are you describing the Punch Bowl, or your Dad's 60th?"

"I don't usually eat this hard but it's nice to crunch it"

"Glad to see you are getting better, just in time to wreck yourself at the xmas do"

"yeah 9/10 ilnesses are best of suffered in work but toilet related ones either end are best done at home"


due to popular demand from me I am expanded this section to include bad video's to accompany the lyrics, so the judge a bad one now is more like diving, you get points for content (lyrics) and style (video). This video is soo weird when watching I wasn't actually sure it was the right video as Aha do their cartoon one trip pony idea again, who then runs off for no reason. The video is classic 80's as is the song, the band and especially the hair on their heads. The lyrics are completely toilet with the added twist of sounding quite good and I happily bopped along to the song. Well done to the Biscuit (my resident artist I have locked up in my dungeon) for supplying this weeks song, who although reading the blog every week and singing along to the songs, didn't even know this section of the blog existed.

This weeks entry is


Here is the video, top stuff especially the start

here are the lyrics

Touch me
How can it be
Believe me
The sun always shines on t.v.
Hold me
Close to your heart
Touch me
And give all your love to me
To me

I reached inside myself and found
Nothing there to ease the
Pressure of my ever worrying mind
All my powers waste away
I fear the crazed and lonely
Looks the mirror's sending me these days

Touch me
How can it be
Believe me
The sun always shines on t.v.
Hold me
Close to your heart.
Touch me
And give all your love to me.

Please don't ask me to defend
The shameful lowlands of the way I'm drifting
Gloomily through time
I reached inside myself today
Thinking there's got to be some way
To keep my troubles distant.

Touch me
How can it be
Believe me
The sun always shines on t.v.
Hold me
Close to your heart
Touch me
And give all your love to me.
To me.


I got this spam from Kit, I instantly thought of the car. It didn't even have anything inside the spam just this cryptic message, so just make sure you give your loved one some hearing truth this year.

rom: Kit
Date: 07-Dec-2006 06:53
Subject: tomorrow Christmas Discount, Give Your Love One Something Special This Christmas hearing truth

: is known as anadian bacon

-----Original Message-----


Sent: 06 December 2006 17:51

ational regulation of ham production ach country that produces ham has its = own regulations. edit rance ayonne am e ambon de ayonne aking its name from= the ancient port city of ayonne in the far outh est of rance ( a ays asque= or the



Full Name:oven

Content-Transfer-Encoding: 7bit

Content-Type: text/html

Subject: content, and the post slaughter

cured bacon different flavours. old smoking involves leaving the meat at a

low temperature fire for anything up to 2 3 weeks. ot smoking involves

using a much higher temperature where the meat is partially cooked over a

few days. ass produced bacon is cooked in large convection ovens. he ovens



A couple of Boring blogs for you this, prepare to be UNAMAZED right before your eyes

I realized just how useful google truly can be. For example, this morning I was eating a "cocktail bun" which I have never tried before. I was chowing it down when I noticed this sweet mixture stuffed inside the bun. Without hesitation, I looked up "cocktail bun" and discovered this... "they're filled with an addictive coconut mixture, the ingredients of which I've never quite been able to ascertain. But think butter, sugar, egg and lots of dessicated coconut and you get the picture." Wow, thank you!

Birds smarter than they seem

Posted: November 7, 2006

Classification: uncategorized

A break from voting for once, and time for bird season. According to the Daily Mail, pigeons have quite a memory.. The smartest birds are of course the crow, raven ad the jay. The dumbest? Unfortunately, scientists have chosen the New World Quail. I've seen quail in northern California and they never get off the road but simultaneously, I have never seen a dead quail.

Crows, I believe, are the most interesting bird. They have all sorts of bird calls. For example, I woke up one morning and thought my roommate was laughing hysterically. But she was sound asleep. Instead, there was a gigantic crow right outside our window making very high pitched calls. You see, they dont' just go, "caww, caww."

Another time, I thought I heard a woodpecker. I looked up the tree and saw a crow making a weird vibrating sound that sounded like a woodpecker. Maybe they're like mocking birds in that they like to mimic other birds.

What if...

Posted: October 28, 2006

Classification: uncategorized

The US is the world's most generous donor of condoms. What if there was a shortage of condoms because latex become scarce and more expensive to produce? Would there be a population boom, or rise in STDs?

For the first edition ever we have two power of paints. I thought although loving the work of my guest painters, I would bring it back to the origins of the idea, a really rubbish paint picture. I will help you out by saying he isn't greek or nearly that young, I haven't worked out how to draw old people yet.


This was contributed by the Bromsgrove Villian

GHz - used to describe a group of geeks e.g. oh look there's a GHz of geeks.


this means I am exactly one year behind the BBC, this isn't bad considering the number of people they employee

Here are my highlights, but there are loads of interesting ones so be sure to check out

4. An average record shop needs to sell at least two copies of a CD per year to make it worth stocking, according to Wired magazine

11. One in 10 Europeans is allegedly conceived in an Ikea bed.

14. It's possible for a human to blow up balloons via the ear. A 55-year-old factory worker from China reportedly discovered 20 years ago that air leaked from his ears, and he can now inflate balloons and blow out candles.

19. The = sign was invented by 16th Century Welsh mathematician Robert Recorde, who was fed up with writing "is equal to" in his equations. He chose the two lines because "noe 2 thynges can be moare equalle".

20. The Queen has never been on a computer, she told Bill Gates as she awarded him an honorary knighthood.

29. When faced with danger, the octopus can wrap six of its legs around its head to disguise itself as a fallen coconut shell and escape by walking backwards on the other two legs, scientists discovered.

41. Tactically, the best Monopoly properties to buy are the orange ones: Vine Street, Marlborough Street and Bow Street.
45. C3PO and R2D2 do not speak to each other off-camera because the actors don't get on

69. First-born children are less creative but more stable, while last-born are more promiscuous, says US research.

78. One in 18 people has a third nipple.

100. Musical instrument shops must pay an annual royalty to cover shoppers who perform a recognisable riff before they buy, thereby making a "public performance".

Random News
Saudi Road Skating

School suspends art teacher for painting with bum

you just can't do anything these days without getting in trouble for it

worlds tallest man saves dolphin

Government asked to investigate Christmas music torture


Embarrasing, it is big and clever, it is not wicked or cool. This weeks book is



"I have been getting a lot of spam since you sent me that email last week"

The email by the way was just a personal email, bah that's it blame the one's you love


I have changed tact a bit with this section and have started going for better games rather than weird ones


xmas game

A Santa game


Look again, in the middle of the table, oh for god sake I will ring it with a red pen


Last week I had the history of the BBC test card with the scary little girl playing noughts and crosses, this week it's something a lot better. Sinbad fighting the skeltons, what a film. Everyone remembers this clip. A good quesiton, how were the skeletons created, using hydra's teeth of course (I tried it last night)

how do you kill a skeleton, don't try punching them on the nose, that only works on sharks, the key is to fight them a bit and then jump into the sea


My Mum is always on the border Terrier forum (they don't just talk about dogs you know) and she sent me this. Look what those monsters have done to that poor little dog, he hasn't got an ounce of dignity left, I bet he is thinking



This week I am going to put in the description of a baywatch episode I actually had the pleasure to watch over the weekend and it was the funniest thing I have seen for a long time. For some reason the baywatch crew were in Alaska on a cruise and a blonde bird and Hasslehoff and another dude were walking out in the woods and then the blonde gets chased by a grizzly bear. This chasing scene involves running very slowly for some reason. If you put yourself in the shoes of the blonde what would you do, yes you would try to run near hasslehoff to save you, so she runs off shouting Mitch Mitch who stop their fishing to help rescue her. She then runs onto a log which goes a bit into the river, for some reason the log has barbed wire wrapped around it (why she didn’t just jump in the water is beyond me). So she edges out on the log the bear cleverly twists the log and gets her foot trapped and her half underwater splashing about (go bear). Then Hasslehoff and other bloke get there. I know what you are thinking how does hasslehoff scare away a big 8 foot bear, by waving a stick at it of course. After Hasslehoff shakes the stick at the bear a few times whilst shouting “yaaa yaaaa” the bear decides this is way to annoying and fecks off. The two chaps then use the stick to lever the log up and rescue the stupid woman.

"White Thunder at Glacier Bay: Part I"

After boarding without Neely, Lani, or Donna seeing them, Mitch and Cody surprise their colleagues by appearing at dinner. Hobie and Leslie make it obvious that they know when they're not wanted. Hobie also knows that his father still disapproves of his impulse to invite a total stranger with them on the cruise. When the ship docks in Ketchikan, Mitch and Cody prepare for a day of salmon fishing while Hobie and Leslie plan an outing in town. As Hobie and Leslie are departing the ship, Leslie sees Gavin at the gangplank anxiously scanning the crowd as they leave the ship. She quickly offers to baby-sit Neely's infant, finding a convenient way to stay onboard while Gavin searches for her off the ship.

Fortunately for Leslie, Gavin has met Donna, who he mistakes for Leslie because of her long blond hair. Donna, on the other hand, mistakenly believes she has found her millionaire dream man. Mitch and Cody are enjoying their day of salmon fishing, when a ferocious grizzly bear attacks Neely and forces them to make a daring rescue in the ice cold lake. Back on the ship, Neely recovers from her brush with death and thanks Mitch for saving her life. The moment grows in intensity and Mitch and Neely find themselves locked in a kiss. Confused by what just happened, Mitch excuses himself and Neely is left to ponder her actions and her planned reunion with her ex-husband the next day.

With few options aboard the ship, Leslie plots to escape from Gavin by renting a paraglider at the next port and gliding over the mountaintops to safety. Hobie joins Leslie on the paragliding excursion, unaware that she is not planning to return to the ship. Gavin manages to follow them to the take-off point.


Don't they know that "roasting" is so 2003?

Fat Britain

Lethal Wiipon,,2-2006570535,00.html

BARMY BALMER SECTION - developer developers developers

what the hell is going, Steve Balmer has sprung a leek. I like this video but I just don’t quite understand what he is trying to say


The Time Trumpet

this is a site from Amardo Ianucci, I think it’s a new comedy show for the BBC but it has lots of clips and is quite funny

cookd and bombd

get your arses over here, this site is fantastic and has all the work from the masterful Chris Morris – mmm delicious

The Perryship bible

The best cartoon on the internet and it’s twisted right up your arse


Revouloutanary ideas usually thought when your brain is in a higher place (e.g. boozed)

This weeks is a colloboration between myself and Mr C. Template xmas do's

basically you all go out to standard pubs e.g. weatherspoons, Vodka bar, eat at Mcdonalds and then go to a Reflex night club or such and if you can't make any of the destinations you can get a video link up. This means you can go on an xmas do but without having to go to the same pub as your work mates.


this is from football 365 media watch quoting sky,17033,8749_1771709,00.html

'They should have been counting the days to Christmas here in Ipswich... instead they are counting the number of dead prostitutes.'


Next week this section will be back to rude knitting

1960s LSD Propaganda Film


notice and bunching and indecision

1 hours 10 minutes into the exercise with one man climbing a tree to feed the birds




I've recently learnt to play poker, taught by the poker-meister himself Biscuit, James Biscuit Bond. I can't remember a * cough* sport producing so many comic gags and one-liners relating to flopping etc, except perhaps weight-lifting... everyone loves to see a nice snatch.

A good question but I would perhaps look at cricket for another excellent source of childish humour, googles, men being caught out, wrong un's, all out, and Shane Warne offer plenty of such giggles.


This history of the fantastic childrens show, where children who didn't know left from right would direct someone for minutes at a time until they found an apple so they could continue. Without ever really knowing what the point was, it was compulsive viewing, until they all froze of course. ahhhh.


How to get your car out of a snow drift - puuuulllll

Achohol + Fire + Stupid Kids = ??? – an amusing clip for us to watch

scantily clad women dancing

blonde flip


What do you do if your teacher wife cheats on you with a pupil and gets pregnant by him, then kicks you out and moves him into your flat? The pupil is then dumped and takes your teacher wife to court for forcing him into a Sexual Relationship. Do you:

- stay well out of it, the Bitch completely ruined your life and you hope she gets what's coming to her.
- Offer advice and a shoulder to cry on, at least you might get a shag out of it.
- Kidnap the pupil, tie him to a chair underground and beat him up, I mean that will make him drop the charges and he won't ever tell anyone when you finally let him go, yeh right! Oh by the way you forgot to check his pockets, that lighter in his pocket came in very handy to burn away the ropes and bash you over the head you loser...

Soapland logic ..... delivered by Soaplands number one Critic...


Thanks for everyones contributions, if you have something amusing you would like to contribute then please email me on, I'm sure you can all find a link or two in your hearts to send a poor blog begger or perhaps draw a celebrity using paint

Be seeing you