Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Amusing IT Stories 6th Edition - The rhythm of love, got the grove that hits the bone

Yo word up people because I've got a little fun blog for ya, so stop collaborate and listen the Hosk is back with a brand new (Amusing IT Stories) edition, so every day I have to pray just to make it today, T-U-R-T-L-E- POWER.

It's all been a bit rushed again this week so there are a lot of links but on the plus side they are quite rib tickling, I've always wanted to use the word rib tickling.

You will notice that there are more links and less pictures. You will also notice there isn't enough of your stories and the reason for this is because you lazy sod's aren't sending them in, so sort it out and send me some funny stories to this email address amusingitstories@gmail.com


On with the show and lets start it off with this fantastic picture, ghettoed up by my main man Biscuit, here is the original rudeboy Jonesy B



STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT THEY ARE LOOKING FOR

This section is where I note down odd and funny things typed into a search engine to get to Amusing IT Stories site. Some of them boggle the mind, like Adult children of famous people, what the hell does that mean. So are amusing "my girlfriend gets massive wedgie" surely you would have to put that on the Internet yourself?

adult children of famous people

ITV trinny and susanna undress

hot+moms+sex+stories+at+blogspot

totally painful atomic wedgie videos

nude trampoling

"Sorry, we couldn't find" "Here are some related websites"

freddie shepherd spanish brothel

wondercum

my girlfriend gets massive wedgie

trinny and susanna bum buster

spam "is crazy about this site"

squash bananas up my butt lion king book

judge not lest ye be judged in relation to make me a supermodel

sneezing fit whilst ejaculating


THIS IS THE NEWS

Medicine's to taste worst

Manufactures of medicine in the uk have been told to make them taste worst because of the belief the worst they taste the better for you they must be. Health Secetary Joanna Windbottom told reporters that the recent influx of chewable and nice flavoured medicines have left hundreds of thousands of people at home, convinced these nice tasting sweets cannot possible cure them.

This lost faith in new medicines has seen people rush back to the less effectual home made and traditional remedies. Top of the list is Cod Liver oil and traditional cough medicine. One person in the street said "cod liver oil should cure anything. Parents have also been making their kids go to school wearing short trousers.

One person in the street said this about cod liver oil "because it tastes disgusting, last time I took it I was physically sick but I'll tell you what I wasn't ill."

Queen almost poisoned

The country was on high alert this week when the impossible almost happened with many top officals fearing the Queen had also been poisoned by "communists". The Queen had symptoms of sweating, a "dodgy" stomach and stomach cramps. Luckily it was a false alarm, the symptoms were said to be caused by the Queen eating some out of date ham and she felt back to her royal best after she had a royal poo.

Britian’s Parents are urged to bully

Top government expert on parenting Linley bratwacker today encouraged parents to bully children who are afraid to go to school because they are being bullied. "Children need to learn that bully is a way of life and the only way they will understand this and overcome their bully fears is if you bully them more than the bully does, this will mean they want to go to school and get bullied" lectured Professor Linley

Dvd’s to fill up England by 2015
Experts today warned BritBritaint unless they act now houses in England will be full of DVD'DVDs2015. The problem has been tracked down to the popularity of the deadly Box Set, which makes collecting DVD'DVDs have no intention of watching attractive and cool. There have already been two examples of one family having to put their child in care because they needed the chilchild'sm to store DVD episodes of 2 pints of lager and a packet of crisps. This knock on effects will cause house prices to go up again.

A Levels to be scrapped
The Government is debating this week whether they should scrap A Levels. MP's are debating whether to scrap the ridiridiculouslyy A Levels and replace them with AA Levels. Recently a study found that someone could pass an A Level after just one week of training on the subject, this has lead the government to have a drastic rethink. The new AA levels will be similar to the current A levels but twice as good and twice as difficult hence the AA instead of the A. The other levels of achievement will BB, CC, DD, EE, FF.



XMAS Do's (and Dont's)

I thought I would try and add a festive section into the blog proceddings this week with some Xmas do tales, so any Xmas stories you have tucked away in your brain locker, dump them into my email amusingitstories@gmail.com

Mr C sent in this in, this is what his company have planned.

"I have suggested a big slap up lunch at morrMorrison'steen which will enable boozing to procproceedaight at 4.30"

I will kick off the Christmas do tales sections with a story from an xmas do past

For some reason the person at the xmas do, decided he would grab a girls breasts, the reason was something like "because it was just hanging there". We laughed, the woman looked a bit annoyed but on went the xmas do drinking fun. Until the next day when stories of police almost being called and all sorts of shenshenanigans made it more funny. Questions were being asked by the nosey staff 1. was the boob touched somesone at works girllfriends boob. 2. Did she like her boob being touched. 3. How come I didn't get a go. What fun we had trying to guess who touched the boob, who's girlfriend it was.

I also remember from this xmas do that someone was wearing trousers so tight that people where visible shocked with the quote from somone "the trousers were so tight you could count all of his loose change"


CARTOON TIME





RUBBISH BOOK TITLES

This book was on an email trying to flog books and the rest were technical apart from this one

Sex with the Queen: 900 Years of Vile Kings, Virile Lovers, and Passionate Politics


What makes this just a tad more amusing is it's a follow up, this book is written by the bestselling author of "Sex with Kings". I'm guessing the next book is going to be called "Sex with the Prince"


Weird Game of the week

As I had a falafel in Amsterdam I thought this seemed appropriate, here is a bit of blurb about Falafels and the point of the game


Falafel is a very popular Middle-Eastern snack - usually served in pita bread with humus, salad and French fries. Here is your chance to experience the difficulties of a falafel vendor dealing with impatient customers while trying to keep them all satisfied.

http://www.falafelgame.com/eng/falafel.html


this game is cool and it reminds me of kickstart, doo doo doo dodododod http://www.teagames.com/games/tgmotocross2/play.php



TV PITCH
- REMEMBER WHERE YOU READ IT FIRST

house swap

gullible foreign family swap houses with rough English families. The British family leave their house in a mess but the pleasant foreign family take it in good spirits but quickly get dishearted when they attempt to cook some turkey twizzlers, "I wouldn't feed these to a dog" bellows foreign Dad. The British family are disguted with the foreign families house and everyone refuses to eat any of the "foreign" food so they go out for a McDonalds. The Foreign kids soon get into the swing of things and stay in all day playing XBox much to the dismay of their parents. Finally the English people go to town and eat something foreign - a French loaf, the English family laugh at the hairy armpits of young French lady. In the finale swap back the English family swear at the bemused French family and tell them their country is crap.

Saddam Hussein hanging

live on sky as a pay per view event where viewers will be able to watch the hanging from 15 different angles, get stats and change commentry to fanzone. Not yet confirmed but the under card will be a osma Bin laden lookalike being tortured. The referee will be none other than Mike Tyson and the studio expert panel will include Arnold Swarzanigger, Margaret Thatcher and TV funny man Joe Pasquarli who they booked thinking it was Joe Pesci.

SexEnders

A look at the sex lives of the actors in EastEnders, Dean Gaffney is the host and unsuccessfully tries it on with all the cast and any women in sight. In this episode we find out that Pauline Fowler is often seen down at the local swinging club. Phil Mitchel goes dogging in his local area even though he doesn't have a dog whilst Dot Cotton is partial to a light spanking. Willard (the Dog) like many of the other cast members like to chase after bitches.

Under the Thumb

real life stories of Men who aren't allowed out by their controlling wives. One example shows a man who isn't allowed to go to the local sandwich shop in case he looks at the woman behind the till, while in another example a Wife has installed a web cam on her husbands desk to make sure he is at work when he says he's at work. The last example shows a man who has to clock into his own house.



NEW SLANG TERM

Mange - a man with a minge and it's the name of his minge or where a minge would be if he didn't have a mange there.

Can also be used in song (to the man with the golden)

Mangeeater
he's the mange
the mange with the golden flange
but don't go in
MANGEEATER WAA WAA WAA<br>
To tell the truth that seemed a lot funny when I had eaten a space cake in Amsterdam.



WORK DOODLE



TERRIBLE LYRICS

This week I am turning up the bad lyrics up to eleven with a video to back up the bad lyrics. This song is from German rockers Scopian. Check out the moustaches and twizzling guitar as well as appreciating the lyrics, which I have

included below so you can sing along. So this week I am spreading the love baby, The rhythm of love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8Wq4ABwn8s

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/scorpions/rhythm+of+love_20122617.html

Music :rudolf schenker
Lyrics:klaus meine

Lets spend the night together
I know you want it too
The magic of the moment
Is what Ive got for you
The heartbeat of this night
Is made to lose control
And there is something in your eyes
Thats longing for some more
Let us find together
The beat were looking for

The rhythm of love
Keeps me dancing on the road
The rhythm of love
Got the groove that hits the bone
The rhythm of love
Is the game Im looking for
The rhythm of love
Is the heartbeat of my soul

Lets reach the top together
One night will never do
An exploding shot of pleasure
Is what Ive got for you
Why dont you close your eyes
And let your feeling grow
I make you feel the taste of life
Until your love will flow
Let us find together
The beat were longing for

The rhythm of love
Keeps me dancing on the road
The rhythm of love
Got the groove that hits the bone
The ryhthm of love
Is the game Im looking for
The rhythm of love
Is the heartbeat of my soul

Let us find together
The beat were looking for




I DON'T BELIEVE IT'S NOT TRUE

Tiger Wood's name isn't really Tiger, his real name is Eldrick Woods, no wonder he calls himself Tiger. According to this website

The nick-name "Tiger" was given to him by his father. It's the same nick-name of
a South Vietnamese combat buddy, Nguyen Phong, who saved Tiger's father's life a
few times in the Vietnam War.

Rumor had it that Tiger was planning to official change his name to Tiger Woods
when he turned 21 this past December but sources say he didn't do it for some
reason.


WHY I LOVE AND HATE - AMSTERDAM

Why I love Amsterdam

In Amsterdam you have the red light district and what's more it the biggest tourist attraction in Amsterdam. Yes they have managed to get people to travel to Amsterdam to look at their prostitutes and to think France thought they were clever getting people to look at a bigger version of Blackpool Tower. What's more it's good fun looking at Women in their pants whilst they sit sulkily behind a window.

the coffeeshops are much better than English Coffee shops. We have starbucks they have little cafes that you can buy space cakes and joints in and for probably the same price.

The city is very clean and they show football in pratically every pub and on saturdays you can watch any premiership match you want.

it's not only me who like Amsterdam, Borat does as well

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sjEBbFP8G0

Why I hate Amsterdam

The cyclists are out to get you and if they don't get you the trams will. The silent assassins wait for drunken fools to get in their path and then wham.

You can't take pictures in the red light district

People are constantly trying to sell you "CHARLIE CHARLIE CHARLIE".

They show every premiership match but the dutch still aren't enlightened enough to show the Championship with the might Ipswich Town



PUSHING THE ELEPHANT

Your guide to office jargon

in the office

LOW-HANGING FRUIT - The easiest targets for sales or other business.

down the pub

LOW-HANGING FRUIT - The fat women you know are easy pulls if you fail to pull any of her nicer mates you will come back to her later



In my Day (When computers were as big as houses)


"computers used to go EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee beeep, WAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH, OOOOOOOOO beep when loading a game"




OFFICE ETTIQUETTE - CHRISTMAS OFFICE PARTY

the rule about xmas do's is to basically just get as pished as quickly as possible and then go around shouting embarrasing thing and/or insulting things. If you really want to take it to the next level and make a good impression then you should try it on with another member of staff, especially if they are married so that the office gossips can have something to talk about.

Make sure that when you come in the next day you remember nothing, like it was all a bad dreeeaaaaammmm


Uber Geekery
From the excellent Coding Horror comes a link for
come this entry called
This Is What Happens When You Let Developers Create UIBeautiful, it looks almost as bad as one of my efforts














Hollow Legs - An institution for all who worked and drank with him. Hollow Legs got the nickname because whilst he would match you drink for drink whilst out down the pub he would then thrash you the next day when Hollow Legs came in seemly unscatched and uneffected by the copious amount of booze consumed the night before you would be a complete mess, sometimes with sick down your trouser leg.





I text sent out by me whist shopping in Tesco for party stuff

"The party is coming along nicely, I have just brought tequila, white lightening, some pork scratchings and a yard of Jaffa Cakes, my bird can sort out the rest"

And the reply

"Sounds like you've covered all the bases to me"

When looking at the poster for the film DEJA VU

"I think I have seen that film"


"I haven't shit myself for years, the last time I did I was just about to go and watch the football with my Dad, he was in the car ready, I thought I would just pop out a quick fart and then the next thing I knew my pants were full of it."

The argument for not buying a present for the bird whilst nipping off to Amsterdam for a weekend

"Firstly 3 days isn't a holiday and I didn't even buy myself anything because a t-shirt is clothing and clothing doesn't count as present for blokes"

"We won't fix any servers that are already broke!"

From Mr C, a classic tale

As a precursor to our night's Bond viewing on Saturday me and my fair lady Gill decided to go to the Golden Crown for some tasty dim sum and noodles.

So we were seated and selected and fuelled with beverages when in strolls Wayne and Waynetta, only worse.
To the eye they were pretty normal looking but as soon as bums touched seats she starts in.
"Why have you always got such a face on you? why couldn' you answer her when she asked you what she wanted to drink??"
"I'll tell you why, coz your kids hate you! and tonight i'm gonna tell 'em a thing or too!
"no you won't they're my kids..."
etc. etc. all pure gold, then after confusing the waitress, and us, with multiple orders of gravy/chinese gravy and curry sauce!? to go with their banquet + chips, they start up again...not letting the distraction of ordering throw them off their stride....
"Your family don't like me, and you don't like mine!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well you called our Geoff a w@nker....and you hate mike"
"Well he is a w@nker...and i hate you mike too!"
"See you family never come round to mine to see you...they go to your house!!! Well you could go round to pam and steve's they would give you rivetting conversation!!!"
"Oh yeah and I could go round your sue and Mike's that would be rivetting for me....and I could get stabbed :-)"
"Ohh how could you say that!!! That was below the belt"
"Actually she stabbed him in the stomach".....off he dissapears to the bogs resplendent in his triumph

Whilst he's been away waynetta has asked for the remainder (mostly gravies) to be doggy bagged up and called for a relative to pick them up. But she decides a new tack on his return:
"Oh come on let's make up, talk to me"
"Why should I you always just give me sh*t on the phone?"
"When did I last do that?"
"The other day!!!
"Oh, you're always bringing the past up!!!"
"Well I can't bring the future up, can I!"

*cue minibus beeping outside*

The End





WORK DOODLE



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here are some great *cough* testimoniels which honestly aren't written by the people who made this evil spyware. Here are a few testimonials, they are really top draw.

Any filters or security were a joke because… I could disable it. Then, I found Covenant Eyes… I can use my computer without temptation and guilt.

There used to be a dark alley in my computer where I would go to hang out when I was bored or needed a ‘fix’; now, there are bright lights, a nice restaurant and a movie theatre in that alley and it no longer encourages or appeals to my darker side.

Covenant Eyes program has really helped to bring me ‘out of the shadows.’

Literally a life saver… disarms my ability to sneak around.

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Amsterdam Rob's Borat Links

Borat singing his song about jews, I like the way the Americans are singing along

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0M8rWBa0NHY

Borat Dating Service

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65d6_NQaOHo&mode=related&search=

Borat goes to cambridge and learns to play cricket

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVtPuRTwGo4&mode=related&search=




LINKAGE

The truth about Calvin and Hobbs

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=20774

Balboasauraus - Go here for a preview of the new Rocky film. Yes really another Rocky film.

http://www.rocky.com/


BY JOVE THESE FELLOWS WORK WITH COMPUTER
















HOW TO GET AHEAD IN THE OFFICE

Put Technical books on your desk
This gives the illusion to people that you have read the big complex technical book on your desk and you know the information in the book because everyone knows the formula Books = clever.


PAPER QUOTES

bbc website about what is Junk food. It has a good fat count on this article

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6187234.stm

Obesity to a growing problem

A 120mph tornado tore through a Welsh village yesterday. The headline? 'The only gale in the village'. The Sun P15



LEAVING IN STYLE

This was a classic tale of a poor unapprecaited developer who no one liked because he was a c0ck.

The developer in question who we will call Bartcock. After about of year of working he resigns, soon after this resignation people get offered redundancy and paid a nice little bonus. He complains that "it isn't fair", he then tried to take back his resignation and take redundancy (yeah good try). At this point most people would think, well I did quit so I haven't really got a leg to stand on but not our man, he then gets a lawyer and gets him to write a letter to his (ex) employer saying he will sue if he doesn't get his bonus. Then he brings out the trump card, he writes to his local MP who then writes a letter complaining that it isn't fair Bartcock didn't get his bonus.

Finally he grudgely accepts defeat but left writing this email


Frankly my time at the company had been good except for the appalling treatment of me as a loyal employee who had worked hard and in fact carried the software product for the last year"


FANTASTIC 80's TV

It's the A Team again - http://www.ateamshrine.co.uk/season5.php

The Grey Team

Series 5: Episode 12 (97)
Original Air Date (US): December 30th 1986.
Written by: Tom Blomquist
Directed by: Michael O'Herlihy

The young daughter of a scientist runs off with his briefcase containing valuable information when she mistakenly believes him to be a traitor. The A-Team must find her when she runs to an Old People's Home, but the Russians also want the information in the briefcase.
The Grey Team was set to be the last episode of The A-Team until Without Resevations was found in the archives three months later when it received a belated airing. The correct order of the episodes is determined by Murdock's T-Shirts. In Without Reservations it reads "Almost Fini" whereas in The Grey Team it reads "Fini".
The plot itself isn't fascinating (I found it quite confusing), and the episode isn't that great especially as the old people seem to appear more often than The A-Team. However, this is the last episode and the ending is very touching. I won't spoil it for you, but it's nice.



HOW FILMS COULD HAVE GONE

Star Wars - The Last Hope

After buying R2D2, Luke shuts the door holding the robots, R2D2 never wonders off to Obi Wan Kenobi and the Luke is killed in his bed early morning and the Rebel Alliance is crushed.



POWER OF PAINT

This is a topic drawing, even though they are rubbish I can usually guess who I have drawn

















Boring Blog

I should laugh whilst reading this blog entry but I will

Life has been very trying of late

I’ve fallen down the stairs and I’ve been dumped by my girlfriend all in the space of a week. Could things possibly be worse at the moment? I don’t think so. God damn it all. I hate everything. I’m considering becoming a Buddhist but even the thought of subscribing to any kind of religious dogma at the moment is enough to make me vomit profusely into a potted plant.

Why is life so horrible? Why is it full of such monsters? Where did all of the good people go to? I just want to meet someone who is righteous, who actually contributes positively to karma and isn’t just out for their own gain like almost everyone else is these days.

God I have no motivation to do anything these days so updates on this blog will be sparse. You never know - one day I might get my shit back together and I’ll be back before you can say “Horrrrrrrrr-Gorrrrrrr-Borrrrrrr”. Until then I think I shall return to my bed and sleep for around 3 days. I’m extremely tired. Even sitting here typing is taking it out of me. The doctor says I should be right as rain from my fall after a few weeks but I don’t believe him. I can’t trust any humans ever again. It’s far too easy to be hurt in this cruel and uncaring world.

So I’m signing off for a while now. I hope everything is well on your end. Not.


So bad it's good - horror films


Leprechaun in the Hood


The tagline is - Evil is in the house.

He's been in the country side, he's been downtown, he's been to Las Vegas, he's even been in space, now that evil Leprechaun is in DA HOOD! Three young rap artists are looking for a break. They need money to buy some music equipment so they can go to Las Vegas and enter a contest. They meet up with a local pimp named Mack Daddy who agrees to "hook them up", but later declines. The rappers want to get even with him so one night they break into Mack's place and steal alot of his jewelry, gold, and even the medallion off an ugly looking statue. Shouldn't have done that! Because without the medallion, the state transforms into the Leprechaun, who goes on a killing spree once again looking for his missing gold, once again! And the song says it all, "there's nothin' scarier than a Lep' in the hood!"

peoples review from imdb

10 reasons this is the best budget buy ever......, 16 January 2006
Author: mightypekingman from United Kingdom

*** This comment may contain spoilers ***

10 reasons you must see this film.

1. You get to see a leprechaun rap. 2. this film contains zombie ho's 3. the actors take themselves seriously 4. Every now and then every one decides to start rapping. 5. every other word is mother f*ck 6. It works on the level of a 'gansta' drama....then you realise there 'homie' was killed by a leprechaun rather than in a drive by. 7. that leprechaun got some major gold. 8. the leprechaun has sex.....with a transvestite. 9. they defeat him by having him smoke a four leaf clover. 10. I like waffles.

If you don't want to see it now then you must be crazy. Its the best movie i ever brought from behind the shelve at a garage.

An important movie, 6 November 2003
Author: Bill from New Jersey, USA

*** This comment may contain spoilers ***

***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** It has been said the good movies are merely entertaining, whereas great ones alter the way we think and feel about things. Leprechaun 'N the Hood is a great movie. Writer Doug Hall had a message he wanted to convey, and thankfully he came into contact with a director the caliber of Rob Spera to help him bring it to the masses. Spera was able to relay Hall's vision in a manner that was both entertaining and touching. The reason this film resonates with the audience is due to the characters and how they develop throughout the story. The plot revolves three aspiring rappers and their dreams of fame and fortune as their ambition leads them down a road of pain and despair. As part of their Machiavellian plot for stardom, they are reduced to robbing a famous rap producer and end up stealing a magic flute that guarantees their success in the rap world. At the same time, they also inadvertently awaken the vile leprechaun. Our first impression is that the leprechaun is an abject and detestable creature, and perhaps he is. By the end of the movie however, the viewer can't help being moved to anything but compassion for him. It isn't so much that the leprechaun evolves during the movie, it is more that the viewer evolves as the story progresses. As Leprechaun 'N the Hood unfolds, we come to accept that the deplorable leprechaun resides within all of us. We realize that everyone has a leprechaun within, it is only a matter of how well we contain it and what events could lead it to manifest itself. It the case of Postmaster P., It is his greed and ambition that unleash the Leprechaun, and we all see the horrific results. Unlike trash such as "It's a Wonderful Life" this movie will have a profound effect on viewers because the characters are realistic. They have real faults and weaknesses, and we can truly learn about others and ourselves by understanding them. This is a movie ideal for parents should watch with their children and then discuss afterwards. From the opening scene to the heart wrenching conclusion in which the leprechaun explains his plight in a poignant rap of his own, this movie will change the way you look at yourself and those around you. As the leprechaun explains in his song "I hate to resort so soon to magic, I haven't been la!d in so long it's tragic." Tragic indeed.


THE IF YOU STILL BORED LINK

Here's the section where I put something rubbish I did myself (excluding this blog of course). This week we have a look at some Hosk tunes. I told someone at work I had made some tunes and this is a description he gave of one of them

"this one sounds like an orchestra warming up"

"i need a bit of a break - slowdown has fried my brain"

So they aren't for the weak of mind, see if you can handle them, click here to test your mind


Finito

Thanks for everyone who sent in their stories and for people who have sent in stories but they haven't appeared don't you worry I have plans for them and they will be in next Friday.

The power of paint is obviously Shane "Well bowled Warny" Warne.

if you have something to contribute to this blog then email me your funny pictures, stories etc at amusingitstories@gmail.com

TA RA FOR NOW

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Amusing IT Stories - 5th Edition - giving the internet an atomic wedgie

Hello everyone, it's a bit of rushed episode this week because I have to get it done a whole day and bit earlier than usual because I'm off to Amsterdam. So you will notice that there are more links and less pictures. You will also notice there isn't enough of your stories and the reason for this is because you lazy sod's aren't sending them in, so sort it out and send me some funny stories to this email address amusingitstories@gmail.com


THIS IS THE NEWS

Hunger strike people die in fight over burger
Two people who went on a hunger strike in protest over violence in Iraq died after a fight broke out in the camp, the argument was believed to be about which food chain burger would taste the best right now. Mr Samuel Peepins and Dirk Jackleson who had been on a hunger strike for 8 days suddenly came to blows when Peepins said that a Whopper would be best burger to eat where as Jackleson was in favour of the Big Mac. The fight broke out between the two feeble weak men, a witness likening it to "slow motion fight from the matrix without the jumping". The fight ended in tradegy when Jackleson hit Peepins with a shovel shouting "eat this whopper you B*$ard" and "green is good". Peepins died when he got hit on the head, Jackleson fled the scene but was found dead in McDonalds drive thru some three hours later when he got run over by someone leaving the drive thru

Branson shouts at Howlin Mad Murdoch

Richard Branson has come out in the press lambasting Murdochs pathetic attempts to gain popularity by appearing in the media and buying shares in business. "What next, he will try and fly round the world in a balloon" bellowed a red faced Branson.

House prices may go up/down or stay the same

House price expert Henry Slazenger warned the housing Market that house prices are going to go up, down or stay the same price as last month. This will definitely lead to house prices either changing or staying the same. Economic experts queued up to give the same opinions as last month with exactly half of the experts warning of a house market will be depressed and the other half saying the housing market will be buoyant. When asked would this news about house prices effect his Christmas spending celebrated Magician Paul Daniels said "not a lot".

Increase license fee or we will bring Vicar of Dibley back

The BBC has warned the government that if there isn't an above inflation increase in the license fee then it will have no other option than to commission another series of The Vicar of Dibley. It is believed that BBC will use the Christmas period to show it isn't bluffing by scheduling a Christmas Special of the Vicar of Dibley

Bird Flu

A scientific study into "what happened to Bird Flu?" concluded this week. The results were inconclusive with one scientist believing that Bird Flu never existed and another scientist believing that Bird Flu has adapted itself to make us forgot that it ever existed. So to conclude, what was I writing about again?

50 percent of people don’t know what 50 percent is


This week when 50 percent of people were question about if they knew what 50 percent was, 50 percent of the 50 percent didn't know what 50 percent was and the other 50 percent said there was no such thing as 50 percent. The other 50 percent called the correspondent a witch and burnt him.

Gordan Ramsey swears by the colour green

Gordan Ramsey has done his bit to reduce CO2 emission in the UK by inventing a foul mouthed propelled car. He thought up the idea whilst swearing his head off in one of his cockery programs, Gorden said "I thought up the idea whilst swearing at some little gobshit who was burning some toast, I thought if I only I could channel this energy". Channel the energy he did and has now invented a car which is entirely run by swearing. Gordan starts the car by shouting "Fuck nuts go go go you mother fu*ker" and then the car moves 5mph for every swear word you utter. One downfall to the amazing swear box on wheels is sometimes Gordon can't stop swearing at got up to speeds of 200mph last week when he was cut up by a lady putting on her make up.



on an email to the office
Treats from Hong Kong up stairs, get them before they walk off !.

After someone made him a cup of tea he said
"oh I wanted a blue cup"


"I get a bit of turtle power every day at three o'clock"

I once asked my mate if he would like to live in a robot body, just a brain and live for 300 years
he said what would be the point if you didn't have a penis, what would be your motivation in life


Bird : Oh we got an invitation to a wedding, July 14th 2008
Bloke : remind me nearer the time, I'll just forget

pleb1 : What do pine needles smell of
pleb2 : they smell of pine needles


someone logged onto msn and wrote this
"I just destroyed the toilet downstairs"
and then logged off



Amsterdam Rob's Hot 3

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-8014354858921252855 - The surprise

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=-6176702600168718216 - The skills

http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=1530663931377907506 - The classic


STILL HAVENT FOUND WHAT THEIR LOOKING FOR

This is my little section where I find people getting onto my site by searching for very weird things, on the plus side this does seem to be increasing a bit which is good because I could do with all the traffic I can get, my ambition is to be the M6 of the internet. So what have they been searching for this week, quite a mixed bag, my favourite is "giving atomic wedgie to my girlfriend" GO ON LAD. I cannot imagine the dissappointment on these people's faces when they reach the Amusing IT Stories blog when searching for the below and I wonder what "Amusing adult stories" are? POWER OF PAINT ON THE LEFT, this persons face does suit my style (!!) of painting

kerry katona sneeze

Mark Philpott derby

wondercum

topical quick jokes

mel blatt boobs

amusing adult stories

ways to make boobs appear bigger

optimklock

giving atomic wedgies to my girl friend

How to rate the Veggies Tales cartoon for children

boss co email office Dear funny , ! comma



There is a work doodle on the left, it's a beauty isn't it. It's a spaceman. If you think you can doodle something equally as bad then doodle, photo it, send it in to amusingitstories@gmail.com



FAMILIES AND COMPUTERS


Because you work in the mysterious murky waters of computer this means that anyone slightly related or just a friend of your Mum’s will be offered your “expert” services. Even if it is something like their printer doesn’t work or more importantly they can’t get their internet to work, you of course have no idea why these don’t work and read the manual to figure it out, something which they could have done all along.


NEW SLANG TERM

Turtle power - from the song turtles power and the term turtles head which means the the turtles head is poking out, look you know what it means anyway.



Why I Love and Hate

Staying up late

I love staying up late because going to bed is boring. It is especially boring when you can stay up and watch rubbish TV, TV so bad that no one will watch it if your show it any earlier.

Staying up late gives you a kind of special feeling, it's bad but it's good. Suddenly boring things become interesting, like randomely picking up a book and starting to read it. Watching Des and Mel is suddenly a good idea and once you start to watch it, you can't leave it half way through you have to watch it all to the end. Staying up late lets you skulk around the house when everyone else is asleep, it gives you time to rearrange the Kitchen or Lounge. It gives you time to watch a really bad Keanu Reeves film set in the future and he probably has some "chip" in his brain.

You can also watch random sporting events, like dutch football, boxing, hardcore fishing and extreme fighting, it doesn't matter what's on because it's late it's fun.

The reason you can do this stuff when it's late is because the people who usually tell you can't do stuff, they are all asleep, you are the leader, enjoy my friend because it won't last, they will soon be awake.

Why I hate staying up late

ooohhhh the tiredness, it's not a normal tiredness, it's like a tiredness from the next life. It makes you walk round like a zombie, people's lips are moving but you don't understand what they are saying, you don't care what they are saying you are to tired, you just want to sleep. W

What makes this tiredness even worse is that you are feeling amazingly tired all because you wanted to finish watching GI Jane, the movie is rubbish why oh why did you stay up to watch that. It wouldn't have been so bad if you had gone to bed after watching GI Jane but then an episode of Columbo popped up, you watched five minutes and then all of a sudden you are laying on the couch watching that, five minutes more, let me just see how he traps them. JUST ONE MORE QUESTION, I have one for you what are you doing you fool, go to bed.

Tired days have also been scientifically proved to move slower, the clocks actually tick slower. A tired day, especially after drinking is a Mars day, one day on Mar is like 3 of your Earth months.


BORING BLOGS

The title of this blog entry says it all "Dad + text message = battery changing". Oh yes siree this is going to be one of the classic funny tales can recounted as only a boring blog entry can

Blog 1. Blog name Incidently - below is the entry

dad + text message = battery changing

My dad is hard-of-hearing-- conversations, especially on days when his tinnitis acts up can be tricky. He's adept at lip reading and relies heavily on e-mail. Well, recently he's also figured out how to text message, and he's taken to it like I never would have expected. I'd go as far as to say he's prolific.

Last week I replied to one of his text messages and hilarity ensued. Apparently, a high beep at regular intervals alerts him: Message Received! He can hear the high frequencies much better than the lower ones, so he registered that there was an annoying beep...unfortunately it sounded remarkably similar to a smoke alarm with a dying battery. So he started replacing the batteries in alarms around the house, thinking with each one that the beeping would stop. When it didn't, he'd move on to the next alarm.

My mom found him "four newly installed 9-volt batteries" later.

Pop recounted the story as only he can in an epic length e-mail that had me crying because it was ridiculously funny. He has since updated his settings so there are only two beeps accompanied by vibration when a new message arrives. Our current recycled subject heading is: SMOKE ALARM!!

Things to be thankful for: text message packages, knowing that my folks have fresh batteries in their smoke alarms.


Blog 2. This blog is by a foxy looking lady and the blog is called xiaxue

Bloody stupid tree-burning Indonesians

It's Mid-autumn festival and I can't see the moon!

What the hell is their problem? I'd love to burn their asses.


The second entry really is a bit of a rant

Assorted rubbish

Dammit I keep having damn ingrown hairs!

Why the hell do women need to have armpit hair ANYWAY? It's utterly useless and I think we spend a grand total of maybe 1 year of our lives just trying to get rid of it.

Woe betide those women who pluck! I think they spend like 2 years lor. Thank god for epilators and no thanks to damn puberty.

I think God chooses not to be contactable coz he knows that everyone will keep hounding him about his fundamental designing flaws.

Appendixes, for example. At least for armpit hair China men and feminists appreciate it, but appendixes are utterly useless. If I had one less appendix, I think my tummy might get flatter.

Cancer too. Nobody likes cancer and I don't know why He needs to put cancer in this world.

Anyway, I feel like ranting on and on today, so the topic of the day is "Being Female".

I was in the shower just now, and as I looked at the can of Veet standing there, marketed to be appealing to the female aesthetic sense, I just decided it sucks to be a girl.

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming urge to squeeze my inner thigh and found it to be dimpled beyond reason. It's disgusting and fascinating at the same time.

WHEN DID THE DAMN CELLULITE COME?

Was it when I turned 21?

Accompanying the cellulite was a proud vericose vein, all purple and... veiny.

GOD HELP ME I AM ONLY 22!!!!!!!!

You think I'm one of those girls talking cock don't you

I know it's just a small vein, but soon its friends will all come out and play.

Where was I? Yup, about how it sucks to be female.

Hairs! We have to do so much for hairs!

Why do females come with leg hair anyway? What use do we have for it? Unless our lao peh is Gillette, which he isn't, leg hair is totally useless.

I have a guy friend, very handsome mind you, who said that once he encounters a girl with pubes he would totally drop the idea of bedding her.

o_0

YOU KNOW ONE TIME BRAZILLIAN HOW MUCH OR NOT?!!!!!!

FIFTY BLOODY DOLLARS! And you know how long it takes to grow out? 3 short weeks! And you know how painful it is?!

SHAVE INDEED!

How to shave such uneven terrains you tell me?! And down there so sensitive, wait cut dio how?!!!

ROARRRRRR


Sucks to be female.

YOU MEN SHOULD STOP BEING SO MEAN AND REQUESTING SO MANY THINGS!

Cannot have hairs, cannot be fat, cannot this one that one.








Rubbish Lyrics

The lyrics are rubbish but the song is mighty

THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT - 06/03/1982
3 weeks at #1 - 15 weeks on chart

We-de-de-de, de-de-de-de-de de, we-um-um-a-way
We-de-de-de, de-de-de-de-de de, we-um-um-a-way

A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the lion sleeps tonight
In the jungle, the quiet jungle, the lion sleeps tonight

A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
Near the village, the peaceful village, the lion sleeps tonight
Near the village the quiet village the lion sleeps tonight

A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh

Hush my darling, don't fear my darling, The lion sleeps tonight
Hush my darling, don't fear my darling, The lion sleeps tonight

A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh
A wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a-wimoweh, a wimoweh

We-de-de-de, de-de-de-de-de de, we-um-um-a-way
We-de-de-de, de-de-de-de-de de, we-um-um-a-way


Uber Geekery

here you go here is me being an uber nerd and being punished for it. I posted a question at JavaLobby here. Forget about my geekyness because I was out geeked by this amusing and yet still sad reply. A programmers life in code







Re: Favouring composition over inheritance is a sign of a maturing programm


getALife();

Sex partnerSex = null;

if(programmer.getSexualOrientation() == SexualOrientation.HOMO) {
if ("US".equals(programmer.getCountryCode())) moveToHolland();
partnerSex = Sex.getTheSame(programmer.getSex());
} else {
partnerSex = Sex.getTheOpposite(programmer.getSex());
}

Human partner = findPartner(partnerSex, programmer.getSexualOrientation(), "http://www.personals.com/webservice");

programmer.marry(partner);
if (programmer.getSexualOrientation() == SexualOrientation.HETERO) {
programmer.makeKids();
}

throw new DieException();



LINKAGE

Fat man/boy singing some Euro pop, I know this shouldn't be funny but it is
http://www.freeonlinegames.com/play/1381.html

watch idiots try and beat traffic bollards
http://tinyurl.com/ya6t8a




Weird Games

This one is pretty weird, it's called "The Lardener", this is actually quite addictive, I don't know the point of the game, probably to get skinny and for some reason you have to play lots of little games and win money to do it, oh who cares just play the game

http://www.freeonlinegames.com/play/2754.html


Monkey Spanker!

There are some things which you think you will never see in your life time, things like space ships, light sabers, the everlasting gob stopper, vibrators for men. Well I can reveal that one of the above has been invented, yes the boffins have invented a vibrator and called it Monkey Spanker. You can have a look here

it looks like some kind of bizarre bottle opener or some kind of knob cutter.

This was sent in by someone called Chopper by the way. It's the reviews which made me chuckle

You should read the product review if you would like a laugh






BY JOVE I BET HE WORKS WITH COMPUTERS


Bad Code

There was a computer package in the code called QAKiller where someone was set the project of creating code which would automatically test the code and thus put the QA department out of business.


Motivational Boss

One of the troops complained that it was rather hot and the all powerful temperature control wasn't working, the foolish foot soldier had the cheek to say that the ideal working temperature wasn't 33 degrees but around 24 as he found out on the internet. The reply was that it wasn't that hot in her office and that perhaps he should not be spending time looking up employment law on the internet and should do some work instead. If the foot soldier does think there is a problem could he take the temperate every hour and then send me an excel spread sheet at the end of the week. The pleb did this only for the motivational boss to ignore it (classical motivational theory) until a manager raised the point a few weeks later and then an engineer was called out who diagnosed a problem with the weather control



In my Day (When computers were as big as houses)

"we used Joysticks and they were big sticks which you put in your hands and then they gave you a lot of joy"





Gobbler


No this isn’t the nickname of a young lady (I think) it is the nickname of man (I think) who like’s to Gobble down biscuits. As with all good nicknames he has yet to fully embrace it which adds the joy of using it.




PAPER QUOTES

The Observer on Sunday

"The guru looked at me and I saw the whole of creation flash before my eyes. He said "go away and be happy" and that was it.

From the Sun

"Last night a DJ ate my wife"

From the Halesowen news

"Axe falls on primary school"
"Parish church vision revealed"
"animal man swoops to teach kids"
"brutal pub loo attackers free"


TV IDEAS

Would your boyfriend shag your Mum
A reality TV show where a mum gets made up and then tries to shag her daughters boyfriend whilst she watches a hidden camera from the loft. This week cheers all round as the boyfriend passes the honeytrap and only recieves oral from the mother.

AA Friends
dramatic heart wrenching drama, where a group of women are trying to give up drinking whilst keeping their families together and almost shagging each others partners before learning to appreciate their poor husbands. This week Janice gets hooked on cough medicine which contains traces of alcohol. Fat Tracy falls off the wagon and is found sleeping on a park bench whilst getting steamed up on White Lightening cider with some local tramps.

Hard Knox
Military fat camp run for spoilt fat children who are put through their paces by general Harry Knox. The camp is known to the children as the school of hard Knox. Todays episode see's Know chase the cadets round the field with the cadets moaning and Know shouting "run you maggots, I promise exercise won't kill you"
Crossfields (soap)
Tanya comes home to find her husband in bed with her dad, so she sleeps with her husbands mum for revenge. The husbands Dad catches them and sleeps with Tanya's Mum for revenge, Tanya then sleeps with her husbands Dad. Tensions run high over a family dinner when Tanya announces she is pregnant.

Baynet - The bringer of piece
Cuddly old men talk matter of factly about how they baynetted people to death and "spilled" there guts.



Kenny Everett

Mr C sent me a couple of Kenny Everett video clips this week and I had forgotten how bloody funny the bearded fellow was, if you have forgotten as well, remind yourself.

kenny everret - a blast from the past

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pIdf0EFUsI

Kenny Everett - DIY Bee Gees Kit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOzV9SlyXVQ



SPAM OF THE WEEK

I thought I would just post some of the names they put on the spam letter. It’s a cheek they are spamming you and they want you to buy some cheap pill that make you fire spunk all over the place or give them your bank account details and they can’t even get your name right. Here are some of the funny names of people who have sent me spam

Pacific

Elder

Mr. Lester

Flannan Beaver

Secundus Sommerfeld

Kunigunde Crunk

Mr Fitch

Mr Wise

Cherish Grabowski






Quinton Fox - Cultural Guru

This week Quinton Fox dines at the Amber Tavern. ahhh Amber and Taverns these are two of my favourite things. I knew it was an establishment of class when I heckled by four strumpets dressed as nuns and Rod Stewart's Maggie May tinkling in the background. MINE IS A PINT SIR, tin tin tinity tiny tin goes the little drummer man of alcohol and he serves me up a tune of cider fit for a king, Scrumpy sire, arise. TV screen with football, it's like being surrounded by 10 watchful eyes but they don't see what I see, I see a pub, a pub with atmosphere and spirit, if I waited until closing time I bet I could have a ruck but my fighting days are over, just a quite pint will do me and the Amber Tavern will heal your wounds of a long week. So imbibe with my friends, imbibe with me.



BORING BLOGS

A few choice quotes from Perry "Tin Tin" Groves, who is famous for playing for the Arsenal

our hairdo is as celebrated as your performances: did you knowingly model it on Tintin?
No, it's just that you don't have too may options when you're ginger, curly and going spam! So I just shaved the sides and left a little bit on top and that's what I ended up with.

Another key part of your look were ultra-tight shorts pulled up to your chest. Why?
What you have to understand is, firstly, kits were smaller back then and, secondly, I have a massive arse. Plus, I was a little bit vain: there was no way I was going to admit I needed size 34-36, so I always squeezed into size 32-34 and pulled them up as high as possible to make them comfortable. And the result was there for all to see...

Scarlett Johansson or Paris Hilton?

Scarlett Johansson. You know Paris Hilton is filthy but Johansson likes to come across as a little more classy so you'd have to work a little harder to get the filth out. That would be fun [chuckles lustfully].

What's the weirdest request you'ever had from a fan?
Probably to sign a tit. Although when Arsenal played Man United in the FA Cup final in 2005, I went with my two sons. They were a little younger then and had no idea that I was a little known. We walked into the stadium and five Arsenal fans in Perry Groves masks came walking straight towards us. It was absolutely surreal! My sons pissed themselves laughing, both at the sight of their dad's face on these strangers' heads and, I think, the Tintin hairdo.


HOW TO GET AHEAD IN THE OFFICE
Look busy
wonder around at a brisk pace, people will think that you are really busy because you are in such a rush to get around


Before Developers Developers Developers...

Here is Steve Ballmer launching Windows in 1986, check out the graphics, that's if you can take your eyes away from that suit!!

Window is just 99 dollars and it sounds like you get free double glazing with it as well from the sales pitch

Microsoft Sales Pitch 1986


Des Lynam quiz – how much do you know about Des

http://www.quia.com/quiz/159374.html

it has really good annoying music, like a nightmare holiday to spain when you were a kid with your parents.

Anyway this is why we Love Des because of his funny dry quotes

http://mrbongo1.homestead.com/des.html


BBC NEWS

i did think twice about sending this as it encourages layabout
"scientists" to do more of this crap
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/4468884.stm

Who would win if you had a big snake
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4313978.stm


ONE FOR THE XMAS LIST

The Beer Belly - stealth drinks vessel


This really is the work genius, check out the description

"Made up of an insulated neoprene sling and a polyurethane bladder connected to a drinking tube, the Beerbelly holds up to 2.3 Litres (over four pints) of amber nectar and it will stay cold for hours with the optional freezer pack. Brilliant, eh? "



IF YOU STILL CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO DO ANY WORK

check out this Sitcom I wrote last year called The World is Flat, I just read it again whilst posting it up, it's a bit dated maybe but it made me chuckle in a few places. and it's quite amusing in places and won't be coming to a screen near you anytime, ever.



READERS LETTER (a real one!)

Der Hosky!

For some time now i've been receiving emails from some organic produce growing \ dog walking type freaks. I can only imagine they must have a member of their tree-hugging, manure eating wierdos with the same name as me. I have never replied - quite happily just reading the zany comments written by what i can only imagine to be the uber-elite of the organic dog growers organisation. It's ball-bouncingly funny when they accidentally forget something they consider earth shatteringly important that may have been omitted from the minutes of the last meeting. I've attached the latest email which, i'll admit, is lame to the point of i wander why i'm sending this in to you, but, past emails have been great value - particularly regarding dogs\vegetables\closing country gates behind you when you're out hunting wild organic dogs(?) and other old chestnuts!

Anyway, I'm thinking of replying - posing as one of the posse and wandered if you could advise me on things organic?

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Man Ure


The spam/email had three attachments one of them was an xml file with the title Seed Evaluation form and the other below

Here is a specimen of one of the letters


Devon Organic Growers

24/10/06

REMINDER !

Dog Walk and Seed Varieties Evaluation at Shillingford Organics, Tuesday 7th November,

Walk, 4pm, Meeting 5pm

Directions;

E mail – you’ll find directions as an attachment to this

S mail -- I’ve enclosed a copy

PLEASE BRING FOOD

RSVP to Martyn ( phone number gone, , email address removed ) by Monday morning Nov 6th (so the meeting can be cancelled if few people can come) with a rough idea of what food you might bring.

Veg for variety evaluation/discussion

Lettuce, tomatoes, winter cabbages and early season cabbage, kohl rabi and over wintered onions.

It would be great if, as last year, comments / information on varieties could be bought to the meeting in written format, which could then be photocopied for redistribution. The format devised by Tim and Alasdair (S.Assoc)(copy attached ) is the clearest and quickest to use, though Dave very useful longer piece on carrots last year was also well received.

Hope to see you there

Buffy


FINITO

Right that's it for another week, the answer of the power of paint was David Guest who is currently toughing it out in the jungle. Please send me your stories, links, work doodles and anything you think is funny to amusingitstories@gmail.com