Yo word up people because I've got a little fun blog for ya, so stop collaborate and listen the Hosk is back with a brand new (Amusing IT Stories) edition, so every day I have to pray just to make it today, T-U-R-T-L-E- POWER.

It's all been a bit rushed again this week so there are a lot of links but on the plus side they are quite rib tickling, I've always wanted to use the word rib tickling.

You will notice that there are more links and less pictures. You will also notice there isn't enough of your stories and the reason for this is because you lazy sod's aren't sending them in, so sort it out and send me some funny stories to this email address amusingitstories@gmail.com

On with the show and lets start it off with this fantastic picture, ghettoed up by my main man Biscuit, here is the original rudeboy Jonesy B

STILL HAVEN'T FOUND WHAT THEY ARE LOOKING FOR

This section is where I note down odd and funny things typed into a search engine to get to Amusing IT Stories site. Some of them boggle the mind, like Adult children of famous people, what the hell does that mean. So are amusing "my girlfriend gets massive wedgie" surely you would have to put that on the Internet yourself?

adult children of famous people

ITV trinny and susanna undress

hot+moms+sex+stories+at+blogspot

totally painful atomic wedgie videos

nude trampoling

"Sorry, we couldn't find" "Here are some related websites"

freddie shepherd spanish brothel

wondercum

my girlfriend gets massive wedgie

trinny and susanna bum buster

spam "is crazy about this site"

squash bananas up my butt lion king book

judge not lest ye be judged in relation to make me a supermodel

sneezing fit whilst ejaculating


THIS IS THE NEWS

Medicine's to taste worst

Manufactures of medicine in the uk have been told to make them taste worst because of the belief the worst they taste the better for you they must be. Health Secetary Joanna Windbottom told reporters that the recent influx of chewable and nice flavoured medicines have left hundreds of thousands of people at home, convinced these nice tasting sweets cannot possible cure them.

This lost faith in new medicines has seen people rush back to the less effectual home made and traditional remedies. Top of the list is Cod Liver oil and traditional cough medicine. One person in the street said "cod liver oil should cure anything. Parents have also been making their kids go to school wearing short trousers.

One person in the street said this about cod liver oil "because it tastes disgusting, last time I took it I was physically sick but I'll tell you what I wasn't ill."

Queen almost poisoned

The country was on high alert this week when the impossible almost happened with many top officals fearing the Queen had also been poisoned by "communists". The Queen had symptoms of sweating, a "dodgy" stomach and stomach cramps. Luckily it was a false alarm, the symptoms were said to be caused by the Queen eating some out of date ham and she felt back to her royal best after she had a royal poo.

Britian’s Parents are urged to bully

Top government expert on parenting Linley bratwacker today encouraged parents to bully children who are afraid to go to school because they are being bullied. "Children need to learn that bully is a way of life and the only way they will understand this and overcome their bully fears is if you bully them more than the bully does, this will mean they want to go to school and get bullied" lectured Professor Linley

Dvd’s to fill up England by 2015
Experts today warned BritBritaint unless they act now houses in England will be full of DVD'DVDs2015. The problem has been tracked down to the popularity of the deadly Box Set, which makes collecting DVD'DVDs have no intention of watching attractive and cool. There have already been two examples of one family having to put their child in care because they needed the chilchild'sm to store DVD episodes of 2 pints of lager and a packet of crisps. This knock on effects will cause house prices to go up again.

A Levels to be scrapped
The Government is debating this week whether they should scrap A Levels. MP's are debating whether to scrap the ridiridiculouslyy A Levels and replace them with AA Levels. Recently a study found that someone could pass an A Level after just one week of training on the subject, this has lead the government to have a drastic rethink. The new AA levels will be similar to the current A levels but twice as good and twice as difficult hence the AA instead of the A. The other levels of achievement will BB, CC, DD, EE, FF.

I thought I would try and add a festive section into the blog proceddings this week with some Xmas do tales, so any Xmas stories you have tucked away in your brain locker, dump them into my email amusingitstories@gmail.com

Mr C sent in this in, this is what his company have planned.

"I have suggested a big slap up lunch at morrMorrison'steen which will enable boozing to procproceedaight at 4.30"

I will kick off the Christmas do tales sections with a story from an xmas do past

For some reason the person at the xmas do, decided he would grab a girls breasts, the reason was something like "because it was just hanging there". We laughed, the woman looked a bit annoyed but on went the xmas do drinking fun. Until the next day when stories of police almost being called and all sorts of shenshenanigans made it more funny. Questions were being asked by the nosey staff 1. was the boob touched somesone at works girllfriends boob. 2. Did she like her boob being touched. 3. How come I didn't get a go. What fun we had trying to guess who touched the boob, who's girlfriend it was.

I also remember from this xmas do that someone was wearing trousers so tight that people where visible shocked with the quote from somone "the trousers were so tight you could count all of his loose change"

CARTOON TIME

This book was on an email trying to flog books and the rest were technical apart from this one

Sex with the Queen: 900 Years of Vile Kings, Virile Lovers, and Passionate Politics

What makes this just a tad more amusing is it's a follow up, this book is written by the bestselling author of "Sex with Kings". I'm guessing the next book is going to be called "Sex with the Prince"



As I had a falafel in Amsterdam I thought this seemed appropriate, here is a bit of blurb about Falafels and the point of the game

Falafel is a very popular Middle-Eastern snack - usually served in pita bread with humus, salad and French fries. Here is your chance to experience the difficulties of a falafel vendor dealing with impatient customers while trying to keep them all satisfied.

http://www.falafelgame.com/eng/falafel.html

this game is cool and it reminds me of kickstart, doo doo doo dodododod http://www.teagames.com/games/tgmotocross2/play.php

TV PITCH - REMEMBER WHERE YOU READ IT FIRST

house swap

gullible foreign family swap houses with rough English families. The British family leave their house in a mess but the pleasant foreign family take it in good spirits but quickly get dishearted when they attempt to cook some turkey twizzlers, "I wouldn't feed these to a dog" bellows foreign Dad. The British family are disguted with the foreign families house and everyone refuses to eat any of the "foreign" food so they go out for a McDonalds. The Foreign kids soon get into the swing of things and stay in all day playing XBox much to the dismay of their parents. Finally the English people go to town and eat something foreign - a French loaf, the English family laugh at the hairy armpits of young French lady. In the finale swap back the English family swear at the bemused French family and tell them their country is crap.

Saddam Hussein hanging

live on sky as a pay per view event where viewers will be able to watch the hanging from 15 different angles, get stats and change commentry to fanzone. Not yet confirmed but the under card will be a osma Bin laden lookalike being tortured. The referee will be none other than Mike Tyson and the studio expert panel will include Arnold Swarzanigger, Margaret Thatcher and TV funny man Joe Pasquarli who they booked thinking it was Joe Pesci.

SexEnders

A look at the sex lives of the actors in EastEnders, Dean Gaffney is the host and unsuccessfully tries it on with all the cast and any women in sight. In this episode we find out that Pauline Fowler is often seen down at the local swinging club. Phil Mitchel goes dogging in his local area even though he doesn't have a dog whilst Dot Cotton is partial to a light spanking. Willard (the Dog) like many of the other cast members like to chase after bitches.

Under the Thumb

real life stories of Men who aren't allowed out by their controlling wives. One example shows a man who isn't allowed to go to the local sandwich shop in case he looks at the woman behind the till, while in another example a Wife has installed a web cam on her husbands desk to make sure he is at work when he says he's at work. The last example shows a man who has to clock into his own house.

NEW SLANG TERM

Mange - a man with a minge and it's the name of his minge or where a minge would be if he didn't have a mange there.

Can also be used in song (to the man with the golden)

Mangeeater
he's the mange
the mange with the golden flange
but don't go in
MANGEEATER WAA WAA WAA<br>
To tell the truth that seemed a lot funny when I had eaten a space cake in Amsterdam.

This week I am turning up the bad lyrics up to eleven with a video to back up the bad lyrics. This song is from German rockers Scopian. Check out the moustaches and twizzling guitar as well as appreciating the lyrics, which I have

included below so you can sing along. So this week I am spreading the love baby, The rhythm of love

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e8Wq4ABwn8s

http://www.lyricsfreak.com/s/scorpions/rhythm+of+love_20122617.html

Music :rudolf schenker
Lyrics:klaus meine

Lets spend the night together
I know you want it too
The magic of the moment
Is what Ive got for you
The heartbeat of this night
Is made to lose control
And there is something in your eyes
Thats longing for some more
Let us find together
The beat were looking for

The rhythm of love
Keeps me dancing on the road
The rhythm of love
Got the groove that hits the bone
The rhythm of love
Is the game Im looking for
The rhythm of love
Is the heartbeat of my soul

Lets reach the top together
One night will never do
An exploding shot of pleasure
Is what Ive got for you
Why dont you close your eyes
And let your feeling grow
I make you feel the taste of life
Until your love will flow
Let us find together
The beat were longing for

The rhythm of love
Keeps me dancing on the road
The rhythm of love
Got the groove that hits the bone
The ryhthm of love
Is the game Im looking for
The rhythm of love
Is the heartbeat of my soul

Let us find together
The beat were looking for

The nick-name "Tiger" was given to him by his father. It's the same nick-name of
a South Vietnamese combat buddy, Nguyen Phong, who saved Tiger's father's life a
few times in the Vietnam War.

Rumor had it that Tiger was planning to official change his name to Tiger Woods
when he turned 21 this past December but sources say he didn't do it for some
reason.

Why I love Amsterdam

In Amsterdam you have the red light district and what's more it the biggest tourist attraction in Amsterdam. Yes they have managed to get people to travel to Amsterdam to look at their prostitutes and to think France thought they were clever getting people to look at a bigger version of Blackpool Tower. What's more it's good fun looking at Women in their pants whilst they sit sulkily behind a window.

the coffeeshops are much better than English Coffee shops. We have starbucks they have little cafes that you can buy space cakes and joints in and for probably the same price.

The city is very clean and they show football in pratically every pub and on saturdays you can watch any premiership match you want.

it's not only me who like Amsterdam, Borat does as well

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sjEBbFP8G0

Why I hate Amsterdam

The cyclists are out to get you and if they don't get you the trams will. The silent assassins wait for drunken fools to get in their path and then wham.

You can't take pictures in the red light district

People are constantly trying to sell you "CHARLIE CHARLIE CHARLIE".

They show every premiership match but the dutch still aren't enlightened enough to show the Championship with the might Ipswich Town

in the office

LOW-HANGING FRUIT - The easiest targets for sales or other business.

down the pub

LOW-HANGING FRUIT - The fat women you know are easy pulls if you fail to pull any of her nicer mates you will come back to her later

"computers used to go EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee beeep, WAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH, OOOOOOOOO beep when loading a game"

the rule about xmas do's is to basically just get as pished as quickly as possible and then go around shouting embarrasing thing and/or insulting things. If you really want to take it to the next level and make a good impression then you should try it on with another member of staff, especially if they are married so that the office gossips can have something to talk about.

Make sure that when you come in the next day you remember nothing, like it was all a bad dreeeaaaaammmm

Uber Geekery
From the excellent Coding Horror comes a link for
come this entry called This Is What Happens When You Let Developers Create UIBeautiful, it looks almost as bad as one of my efforts

Hollow Legs - An institution for all who worked and drank with him. Hollow Legs got the nickname because whilst he would match you drink for drink whilst out down the pub he would then thrash you the next day when Hollow Legs came in seemly unscatched and uneffected by the copious amount of booze consumed the night before you would be a complete mess, sometimes with sick down your trouser leg.

I text sent out by me whist shopping in Tesco for party stuff

"The party is coming along nicely, I have just brought tequila, white lightening, some pork scratchings and a yard of Jaffa Cakes, my bird can sort out the rest"

And the reply

"Sounds like you've covered all the bases to me"

When looking at the poster for the film DEJA VU

"I think I have seen that film"

"I haven't shit myself for years, the last time I did I was just about to go and watch the football with my Dad, he was in the car ready, I thought I would just pop out a quick fart and then the next thing I knew my pants were full of it."

The argument for not buying a present for the bird whilst nipping off to Amsterdam for a weekend

"Firstly 3 days isn't a holiday and I didn't even buy myself anything because a t-shirt is clothing and clothing doesn't count as present for blokes"

"We won't fix any servers that are already broke!"

From Mr C, a classic tale

As a precursor to our night's Bond viewing on Saturday me and my fair lady Gill decided to go to the Golden Crown for some tasty dim sum and noodles.

So we were seated and selected and fuelled with beverages when in strolls Wayne and Waynetta, only worse.
To the eye they were pretty normal looking but as soon as bums touched seats she starts in.
"Why have you always got such a face on you? why couldn' you answer her when she asked you what she wanted to drink??"
"I'll tell you why, coz your kids hate you! and tonight i'm gonna tell 'em a thing or too!
"no you won't they're my kids..."
etc. etc. all pure gold, then after confusing the waitress, and us, with multiple orders of gravy/chinese gravy and curry sauce!? to go with their banquet + chips, they start up again...not letting the distraction of ordering throw them off their stride....
"Your family don't like me, and you don't like mine!"
"What do you mean?"
"Well you called our Geoff a w@nker....and you hate mike"
"Well he is a w@nker...and i hate you mike too!"
"See you family never come round to mine to see you...they go to your house!!! Well you could go round to pam and steve's they would give you rivetting conversation!!!"
"Oh yeah and I could go round your sue and Mike's that would be rivetting for me....and I could get stabbed :-)"
"Ohh how could you say that!!! That was below the belt"
"Actually she stabbed him in the stomach".....off he dissapears to the bogs resplendent in his triumph

Whilst he's been away waynetta has asked for the remainder (mostly gravies) to be doggy bagged up and called for a relative to pick them up. But she decides a new tack on his return:
"Oh come on let's make up, talk to me"
"Why should I you always just give me sh*t on the phone?"
"When did I last do that?"
"The other day!!!
"Oh, you're always bringing the past up!!!"
"Well I can't bring the future up, can I!"

*cue minibus beeping outside*

The End

http://www.covenanteyes.com/

here are some great *cough* testimoniels which honestly aren't written by the people who made this evil spyware. Here are a few testimonials, they are really top draw.

“Any filters or security were a joke because… I could disable it. Then, I found Covenant Eyes… I can use my computer without temptation and guilt.”

“There used to be a dark alley in my computer where I would go to hang out when I was bored or needed a ‘fix’; now, there are bright lights, a nice restaurant and a movie theatre in that alley and it no longer encourages or appeals to my darker side.”

“Covenant Eyes program has really helped to bring me ‘out of the shadows.’”

“Literally a life saver… disarms my ability to sneak around.”

"I have struggled with internet pornography for years. My company would not endorse a server-side filter, so after several years of struggle, I finally became desperate enough to install a filter myself. I tried everything from expensive software to inexpensive proxy programs, nothing worked. Filters seem to become a challenge, a sort of mental game that is there to be beat-and many men do beat them. It wasn't until I became a member of Covenant Eyes that my addiction began to disappear. As a matter of fact, I have not seen ANY internet pornography since I installed the program several months ago. I praise God for Covenant Eyes and your organization!" - Bill



Amsterdam Rob's Borat Links

Borat singing his song about jews, I like the way the Americans are singing along

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0M8rWBa0NHY

Borat Dating Service

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=65d6_NQaOHo&mode=related&search=

Borat goes to cambridge and learns to play cricket

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wVtPuRTwGo4&mode=related&search=

The truth about Calvin and Hobbs

http://www.i-am-bored.com/bored_link.cfm?link_id=20774

Balboasauraus - Go here for a preview of the new Rocky film. Yes really another Rocky film.

http://www.rocky.com/

BY JOVE THESE FELLOWS WORK WITH COMPUTER
















This gives the illusion to people that you have read the big complex technical book on your desk and you know the information in the book because everyone knows the formula Books = clever.

bbc website about what is Junk food. It has a good fat count on this article

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/6187234.stm

Obesity to a growing problem

A 120mph tornado tore through a Welsh village yesterday. The headline? 'The only gale in the village'. The Sun P15

FANTASTIC 80's TV

It's the A Team again - http://www.ateamshrine.co.uk/season5.php

The Grey Team

Series 5: Episode 12 (97)
Original Air Date (US): December 30th 1986.
Written by: Tom Blomquist
Directed by: Michael O'Herlihy

The young daughter of a scientist runs off with his briefcase containing valuable information when she mistakenly believes him to be a traitor. The A-Team must find her when she runs to an Old People's Home, but the Russians also want the information in the briefcase.
The Grey Team was set to be the last episode of The A-Team until Without Resevations was found in the archives three months later when it received a belated airing. The correct order of the episodes is determined by Murdock's T-Shirts. In Without Reservations it reads "Almost Fini" whereas in The Grey Team it reads "Fini".
The plot itself isn't fascinating (I found it quite confusing), and the episode isn't that great especially as the old people seem to appear more often than The A-Team. However, this is the last episode and the ending is very touching. I won't spoil it for you, but it's nice.

Star Wars - The Last Hope

After buying R2D2, Luke shuts the door holding the robots, R2D2 never wonders off to Obi Wan Kenobi and the Luke is killed in his bed early morning and the Rebel Alliance is crushed.

POWER OF PAINT

This is a topic drawing, even though they are rubbish I can usually guess who I have drawn

















Boring Blog

I should laugh whilst reading this blog entry but I will

Life has been very trying of late

I’ve fallen down the stairs and I’ve been dumped by my girlfriend all in the space of a week. Could things possibly be worse at the moment? I don’t think so. God damn it all. I hate everything. I’m considering becoming a Buddhist but even the thought of subscribing to any kind of religious dogma at the moment is enough to make me vomit profusely into a potted plant.
So bad it's good - horror films

Leprechaun in the Hood

The tagline is - Evil is in the house.

He's been in the country side, he's been downtown, he's been to Las Vegas, he's even been in space, now that evil Leprechaun is in DA HOOD! Three young rap artists are looking for a break. They need money to buy some music equipment so they can go to Las Vegas and enter a contest. They meet up with a local pimp named Mack Daddy who agrees to "hook them up", but later declines. The rappers want to get even with him so one night they break into Mack's place and steal alot of his jewelry, gold, and even the medallion off an ugly looking statue. Shouldn't have done that! Because without the medallion, the state transforms into the Leprechaun, who goes on a killing spree once again looking for his missing gold, once again! And the song says it all, "there's nothin' scarier than a Lep' in the hood!"

peoples review from imdb

10 reasons this is the best budget buy ever......, 16 January 2006
Author: mightypekingman from United Kingdom

*** This comment may contain spoilers ***

10 reasons you must see this film.

1. You get to see a leprechaun rap. 2. this film contains zombie ho's 3. the actors take themselves seriously 4. Every now and then every one decides to start rapping. 5. every other word is mother f*ck 6. It works on the level of a 'gansta' drama....then you realise there 'homie' was killed by a leprechaun rather than in a drive by. 7. that leprechaun got some major gold. 8. the leprechaun has sex.....with a transvestite. 9. they defeat him by having him smoke a four leaf clover. 10. I like waffles.

If you don't want to see it now then you must be crazy. Its the best movie i ever brought from behind the shelve at a garage.

An important movie, 6 November 2003
Author: Bill from New Jersey, USA

*** This comment may contain spoilers ***

***SPOILERS*** ***SPOILERS*** It has been said the good movies are merely entertaining, whereas great ones alter the way we think and feel about things. Leprechaun 'N the Hood is a great movie. Writer Doug Hall had a message he wanted to convey, and thankfully he came into contact with a director the caliber of Rob Spera to help him bring it to the masses. Spera was able to relay Hall's vision in a manner that was both entertaining and touching. The reason this film resonates with the audience is due to the characters and how they develop throughout the story. The plot revolves three aspiring rappers and their dreams of fame and fortune as their ambition leads them down a road of pain and despair. As part of their Machiavellian plot for stardom, they are reduced to robbing a famous rap producer and end up stealing a magic flute that guarantees their success in the rap world. At the same time, they also inadvertently awaken the vile leprechaun. Our first impression is that the leprechaun is an abject and detestable creature, and perhaps he is. By the end of the movie however, the viewer can't help being moved to anything but compassion for him. It isn't so much that the leprechaun evolves during the movie, it is more that the viewer evolves as the story progresses. As Leprechaun 'N the Hood unfolds, we come to accept that the deplorable leprechaun resides within all of us. We realize that everyone has a leprechaun within, it is only a matter of how well we contain it and what events could lead it to manifest itself. It the case of Postmaster P., It is his greed and ambition that unleash the Leprechaun, and we all see the horrific results. Unlike trash such as "It's a Wonderful Life" this movie will have a profound effect on viewers because the characters are realistic. They have real faults and weaknesses, and we can truly learn about others and ourselves by understanding them. This is a movie ideal for parents should watch with their children and then discuss afterwards. From the opening scene to the heart wrenching conclusion in which the leprechaun explains his plight in a poignant rap of his own, this movie will change the way you look at yourself and those around you. As the leprechaun explains in his song "I hate to resort so soon to magic, I haven't been la!d in so long it's tragic." Tragic indeed.

THE IF YOU STILL BORED LINK

Here's the section where I put something rubbish I did myself (excluding this blog of course). This week we have a look at some Hosk tunes. I told someone at work I had made some tunes and this is a description he gave of one of them

"this one sounds like an orchestra warming up"

"i need a bit of a break - slowdown has fried my brain"

So they aren't for the weak of mind, see if you can handle them, click here to test your mind


Finito

Thanks for everyone who sent in their stories and for people who have sent in stories but they haven't appeared don't you worry I have plans for them and they will be in next Friday.

The power of paint is obviously Shane "Well bowled Warny" Warne.

if you have something to contribute to this blog then email me your funny pictures, stories etc at amusingitstories@gmail.com

TA RA FOR NOW

Hello everyone, it's a bit of rushed episode this week because I have to get it done a whole day and bit earlier than usual because I'm off to Amsterdam. So you will notice that there are more links and less pictures. You will also notice there isn't enough of your stories and the reason for this is because you lazy sod's aren't sending them in, so sort it out and send me some funny stories to this email address amusingitstories@gmail.com



Hunger strike people die in fight over burger
Two people who went on a hunger strike in protest over violence in Iraq died after a fight broke out in the camp, the argument was believed to be about which food chain burger would taste the best right now. Mr Samuel Peepins and Dirk Jackleson who had been on a hunger strike for 8 days suddenly came to blows when Peepins said that a Whopper would be best burger to eat where as Jackleson was in favour of the Big Mac. The fight broke out between the two feeble weak men, a witness likening it to "slow motion fight from the matrix without the jumping". The fight ended in tradegy when Jackleson hit Peepins with a shovel shouting "eat this whopper you B*$ard" and "green is good". Peepins died when he got hit on the head, Jackleson fled the scene but was found dead in McDonalds drive thru some three hours later when he got run over by someone leaving the drive thru

Branson shouts at Howlin Mad Murdoch

Richard Branson has come out in the press lambasting Murdochs pathetic attempts to gain popularity by appearing in the media and buying shares in business. "What next, he will try and fly round the world in a balloon" bellowed a red faced Branson.

House prices may go up/down or stay the same

House price expert Henry Slazenger warned the housing Market that house prices are going to go up, down or stay the same price as last month. This will definitely lead to house prices either changing or staying the same. Economic experts queued up to give the same opinions as last month with exactly half of the experts warning of a house market will be depressed and the other half saying the housing market will be buoyant. When asked would this news about house prices effect his Christmas spending celebrated Magician Paul Daniels said "not a lot".

Increase license fee or we will bring Vicar of Dibley back

The BBC has warned the government that if there isn't an above inflation increase in the license fee then it will have no other option than to commission another series of The Vicar of Dibley. It is believed that BBC will use the Christmas period to show it isn't bluffing by scheduling a Christmas Special of the Vicar of Dibley

Bird Flu

A scientific study into "what happened to Bird Flu?" concluded this week. The results were inconclusive with one scientist believing that Bird Flu never existed and another scientist believing that Bird Flu has adapted itself to make us forgot that it ever existed. So to conclude, what was I writing about again?

50 percent of people don’t know what 50 percent is

This week when 50 percent of people were question about if they knew what 50 percent was, 50 percent of the 50 percent didn't know what 50 percent was and the other 50 percent said there was no such thing as 50 percent. The other 50 percent called the correspondent a witch and burnt him.

Gordan Ramsey swears by the colour green

Gordan Ramsey has done his bit to reduce CO2 emission in the UK by inventing a foul mouthed propelled car. He thought up the idea whilst swearing his head off in one of his cockery programs, Gorden said "I thought up the idea whilst swearing at some little gobshit who was burning some toast, I thought if I only I could channel this energy". Channel the energy he did and has now invented a car which is entirely run by swearing. Gordan starts the car by shouting "Fuck nuts go go go you mother fu*ker" and then the car moves 5mph for every swear word you utter. One downfall to the amazing swear box on wheels is sometimes Gordon can't stop swearing at got up to speeds of 200mph last week when he was cut up by a lady putting on her make up.





This is my little section where I find people getting onto my site by searching for very weird things, on the plus side this does seem to be increasing a bit which is good because I could do with all the traffic I can get, my ambition is to be the M6 of the internet. So what have they been searching for this week, quite a mixed bag, my favourite is "giving atomic wedgie to my girlfriend" GO ON LAD. I cannot imagine the dissappointment on these people's faces when they reach the Amusing IT Stories blog when searching for the below and I wonder what "Amusing adult stories" are? POWER OF PAINT ON THE LEFT, this persons face does suit my style (!!) of painting

kerry katona sneeze

Mark Philpott derby

wondercum

topical quick jokes

mel blatt boobs

amusing adult stories

Turtle power - from the song turtles power and the term turtles head which means the the turtles head is poking out, look you know what it means anyway.


Why I Love and Hate

Staying up late

I love staying up late because going to bed is boring. It is especially boring when you can stay up and watch rubbish TV, TV so bad that no one will watch it if your show it any earlier.

Staying up late gives you a kind of special feeling, it's bad but it's good. Suddenly boring things become interesting, like randomely picking up a book and starting to read it. Watching Des and Mel is suddenly a good idea and once you start to watch it, you can't leave it half way through you have to watch it all to the end. Staying up late lets you skulk around the house when everyone else is asleep, it gives you time to rearrange the Kitchen or Lounge. It gives you time to watch a really bad Keanu Reeves film set in the future and he probably has some "chip" in his brain.

You can also watch random sporting events, like dutch football, boxing, hardcore fishing and extreme fighting, it doesn't matter what's on because it's late it's fun.

The reason you can do this stuff when it's late is because the people who usually tell you can't do stuff, they are all asleep, you are the leader, enjoy my friend because it won't last, they will soon be awake.

Why I hate staying up late

ooohhhh the tiredness, it's not a normal tiredness, it's like a tiredness from the next life. It makes you walk round like a zombie, people's lips are moving but you don't understand what they are saying, you don't care what they are saying you are to tired, you just want to sleep. W

What makes this tiredness even worse is that you are feeling amazingly tired all because you wanted to finish watching GI Jane, the movie is rubbish why oh why did you stay up to watch that. It wouldn't have been so bad if you had gone to bed after watching GI Jane but then an episode of Columbo popped up, you watched five minutes and then all of a sudden you are laying on the couch watching that, five minutes more, let me just see how he traps them. JUST ONE MORE QUESTION, I have one for you what are you doing you fool, go to bed.

Tired days have also been scientifically proved to move slower, the clocks actually tick slower. A tired day, especially after drinking is a Mars day, one day on Mar is like 3 of your Earth months.



The title of this blog entry says it all "Dad + text message = battery changing". Oh yes siree this is going to be one of the classic funny tales can recounted as only a boring blog entry can

Blog 1. Blog name Incidently - below is the entry

dad + text message = battery changing

My dad is hard-of-hearing-- conversations, especially on days when his tinnitis acts up can be tricky. He's adept at lip reading and relies heavily on e-mail. Well, recently he's also figured out how to text message, and he's taken to it like I never would have expected. I'd go as far as to say he's prolific.

Last week I replied to one of his text messages and hilarity ensued. Apparently, a high beep at regular intervals alerts him: Message Received! He can hear the high frequencies much better than the lower ones, so he registered that there was an annoying beep...unfortunately it sounded remarkably similar to a smoke alarm with a dying battery. So he started replacing the batteries in alarms around the house, thinking with each one that the beeping would stop. When it didn't, he'd move on to the next alarm.

My mom found him "four newly installed 9-volt batteries" later.

Pop recounted the story as only he can in an epic length e-mail that had me crying because it was ridiculously funny. He has since updated his settings so there are only two beeps accompanied by vibration when a new message arrives. Our current recycled subject heading is: SMOKE ALARM!!

Things to be thankful for: text message packages, knowing that my folks have fresh batteries in their smoke alarms.

Blog 2. This blog is by a foxy looking lady and the blog is called xiaxue

Bloody stupid tree-burning Indonesians

It's Mid-autumn festival and I can't see the moon!

What the hell is their problem? I'd love to burn their asses.


The second entry really is a bit of a rant

Assorted rubbish

Dammit I keep having damn ingrown hairs!

Why the hell do women need to have armpit hair ANYWAY? It's utterly useless and I think we spend a grand total of maybe 1 year of our lives just trying to get rid of it.

Woe betide those women who pluck! I think they spend like 2 years lor. Thank god for epilators and no thanks to damn puberty.

I think God chooses not to be contactable coz he knows that everyone will keep hounding him about his fundamental designing flaws.

Appendixes, for example. At least for armpit hair China men and feminists appreciate it, but appendixes are utterly useless. If I had one less appendix, I think my tummy might get flatter.

Cancer too. Nobody likes cancer and I don't know why He needs to put cancer in this world.

Anyway, I feel like ranting on and on today, so the topic of the day is "Being Female".

I was in the shower just now, and as I looked at the can of Veet standing there, marketed to be appealing to the female aesthetic sense, I just decided it sucks to be a girl.

I woke up this morning with an overwhelming urge to squeeze my inner thigh and found it to be dimpled beyond reason. It's disgusting and fascinating at the same time.

WHEN DID THE DAMN CELLULITE COME?

Was it when I turned 21?

Accompanying the cellulite was a proud vericose vein, all purple and... veiny.

GOD HELP ME I AM ONLY 22!!!!!!!!

You think I'm one of those girls talking cock don't you

I know it's just a small vein, but soon its friends will all come out and play.

Where was I? Yup, about how it sucks to be female.

Hairs! We have to do so much for hairs!

Why do females come with leg hair anyway? What use do we have for it? Unless our lao peh is Gillette, which he isn't, leg hair is totally useless.

I have a guy friend, very handsome mind you, who said that once he encounters a girl with pubes he would totally drop the idea of bedding her.

o_0

YOU KNOW ONE TIME BRAZILLIAN HOW MUCH OR NOT?!!!!!!

FIFTY BLOODY DOLLARS! And you know how long it takes to grow out? 3 short weeks! And you know how painful it is?!

SHAVE INDEED!

How to shave such uneven terrains you tell me?! And down there so sensitive, wait cut dio how?!!!

ROARRRRRR

Sucks to be female.

YOU MEN SHOULD STOP BEING SO MEAN AND REQUESTING SO MANY THINGS!

Cannot have hairs, cannot be fat, cannot this one that one.










here you go here is me being an uber nerd and being punished for it. I posted a question at JavaLobby here. Forget about my geekyness because I was out geeked by this amusing and yet still sad reply. A programmers life in code







Re: Favouring composition over inheritance is a sign of a maturing programm

getALife();

Sex partnerSex = null;

if(programmer.getSexualOrientation() == SexualOrientation.HOMO) {
if ("US".equals(programmer.getCountryCode())) moveToHolland();
partnerSex = Sex.getTheSame(programmer.getSex());
} else {
partnerSex = Sex.getTheOpposite(programmer.getSex());
}

Human partner = findPartner(partnerSex, programmer.getSexualOrientation(), "http://www.personals.com/webservice");

programmer.marry(partner);
if (programmer.getSexualOrientation() == SexualOrientation.HETERO) {
programmer.makeKids();
}

throw new DieException();


LINKAGE

Fat man/boy singing some Euro pop, I know this shouldn't be funny but it is
http://www.freeonlinegames.com/play/1381.html

watch idiots try and beat traffic bollards
http://tinyurl.com/ya6t8a





This one is pretty weird, it's called "The Lardener", this is actually quite addictive, I don't know the point of the game, probably to get skinny and for some reason you have to play lots of little games and win money to do it, oh who cares just play the game

http://www.freeonlinegames.com/play/2754.html

Monkey Spanker!

There are some things which you think you will never see in your life time, things like space ships, light sabers, the everlasting gob stopper, vibrators for men. Well I can reveal that one of the above has been invented, yes the boffins have invented a vibrator and called it Monkey Spanker. You can have a look here

it looks like some kind of bizarre bottle opener or some kind of knob cutter.

This was sent in by someone called Chopper by the way. It's the reviews which made me chuckle

You should read the product review if you would like a laugh

BY JOVE I BET HE WORKS WITH COMPUTERS

Bad Code

There was a computer package in the code called QAKiller where someone was set the project of creating code which would automatically test the code and thus put the QA department out of business.

Motivational Boss

One of the troops complained that it was rather hot and the all powerful temperature control wasn't working, the foolish foot soldier had the cheek to say that the ideal working temperature wasn't 33 degrees but around 24 as he found out on the internet. The reply was that it wasn't that hot in her office and that perhaps he should not be spending time looking up employment law on the internet and should do some work instead. If the foot soldier does think there is a problem could he take the temperate every hour and then send me an excel spread sheet at the end of the week. The pleb did this only for the motivational boss to ignore it (classical motivational theory) until a manager raised the point a few weeks later and then an engineer was called out who diagnosed a problem with the weather control

In my Day (When computers were as big as houses)

"we used Joysticks and they were big sticks which you put in your hands and then they gave you a lot of joy"

PAPER QUOTES

The Observer on Sunday

"The guru looked at me and I saw the whole of creation flash before my eyes. He said "go away and be happy" and that was it.

From the Sun

"Last night a DJ ate my wife"

From the Halesowen news

"Axe falls on primary school"
"Parish church vision revealed"
"animal man swoops to teach kids"
"brutal pub loo attackers free"



Would your boyfriend shag your Mum
A reality TV show where a mum gets made up and then tries to shag her daughters boyfriend whilst she watches a hidden camera from the loft. This week cheers all round as the boyfriend passes the honeytrap and only recieves oral from the mother.

AA Friends
dramatic heart wrenching drama, where a group of women are trying to give up drinking whilst keeping their families together and almost shagging each others partners before learning to appreciate their poor husbands. This week Janice gets hooked on cough medicine which contains traces of alcohol. Fat Tracy falls off the wagon and is found sleeping on a park bench whilst getting steamed up on White Lightening cider with some local tramps.

Hard Knox
Military fat camp run for spoilt fat children who are put through their paces by general Harry Knox. The camp is known to the children as the school of hard Knox. Todays episode see's Know chase the cadets round the field with the cadets moaning and Know shouting "run you maggots, I promise exercise won't kill you"
Crossfields (soap)
Tanya comes home to find her husband in bed with her dad, so she sleeps with her husbands mum for revenge. The husbands Dad catches them and sleeps with Tanya's Mum for revenge, Tanya then sleeps with her husbands Dad. Tensions run high over a family dinner when Tanya announces she is pregnant.

Baynet - The bringer of piece
Cuddly old men talk matter of factly about how they baynetted people to death and "spilled" there guts.




Mr C sent me a couple of Kenny Everett video clips this week and I had forgotten how bloody funny the bearded fellow was, if you have forgotten as well, remind yourself.

kenny everret - a blast from the past

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pIdf0EFUsI

Kenny Everett - DIY Bee Gees Kit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lOzV9SlyXVQ

BORING BLOGS

A few choice quotes from Perry "Tin Tin" Groves, who is famous for playing for the Arsenal

our hairdo is as celebrated as your performances: did you knowingly model it on Tintin?
No, it's just that you don't have too may options when you're ginger, curly and going spam! So I just shaved the sides and left a little bit on top and that's what I ended up with.

Another key part of your look were ultra-tight shorts pulled up to your chest. Why?
What you have to understand is, firstly, kits were smaller back then and, secondly, I have a massive arse. Plus, I was a little bit vain: there was no way I was going to admit I needed size 34-36, so I always squeezed into size 32-34 and pulled them up as high as possible to make them comfortable. And the result was there for all to see...

Scarlett Johansson or Paris Hilton?

Scarlett Johansson. You know Paris Hilton is filthy but Johansson likes to come across as a little more classy so you'd have to work a little harder to get the filth out. That would be fun [chuckles lustfully].

What's the weirdest request you'ever had from a fan?
Probably to sign a tit. Although when Arsenal played Man United in the FA Cup final in 2005, I went with my two sons. They were a little younger then and had no idea that I was a little known. We walked into the stadium and five Arsenal fans in Perry Groves masks came walking straight towards us. It was absolutely surreal! My sons pissed themselves laughing, both at the sight of their dad's face on these strangers' heads and, I think, the Tintin hairdo.


Look busy
wonder around at a brisk pace, people will think that you are really busy because you are in such a rush to get around

Here is Steve Ballmer launching Windows in 1986, check out the graphics, that's if you can take your eyes away from that suit!!

Window is just 99 dollars and it sounds like you get free double glazing with it as well from the sales pitch

Microsoft Sales Pitch 1986

Des Lynam quiz – how much do you know about Des

http://www.quia.com/quiz/159374.html

it has really good annoying music, like a nightmare holiday to spain when you were a kid with your parents.

Anyway this is why we Love Des because of his funny dry quotes

http://mrbongo1.homestead.com/des.html



i did think twice about sending this as it encourages layabout
"scientists" to do more of this crap
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/manchester/4468884.stm

Who would win if you had a big snake
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/americas/4313978.stm



The Beer Belly - stealth drinks vessel

This really is the work genius, check out the description

"Made up of an insulated neoprene sling and a polyurethane bladder connected to a drinking tube, the Beerbelly holds up to 2.3 Litres (over four pints) of amber nectar and it will stay cold for hours with the optional freezer pack. Brilliant, eh? "



IF YOU STILL CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO DO ANY WORK

check out this Sitcom I wrote last year called The World is Flat, I just read it again whilst posting it up, it's a bit dated maybe but it made me chuckle in a few places. and it's quite amusing in places and won't be coming to a screen near you anytime, ever.

READERS LETTER (a real one!)

Der Hosky!

For some time now i've been receiving emails from some organic produce growing \ dog walking type freaks. I can only imagine they must have a member of their tree-hugging, manure eating wierdos with the same name as me. I have never replied - quite happily just reading the zany comments written by what i can only imagine to be the uber-elite of the organic dog growers organisation. It's ball-bouncingly funny when they accidentally forget something they consider earth shatteringly important that may have been omitted from the minutes of the last meeting. I've attached the latest email which, i'll admit, is lame to the point of i wander why i'm sending this in to you, but, past emails have been great value - particularly regarding dogs\vegetables\closing country gates behind you when you're out hunting wild organic dogs(?) and other old chestnuts!

Anyway, I'm thinking of replying - posing as one of the posse and wandered if you could advise me on things organic?

Yours sincerely,

Mr. Man Ure

The spam/email had three attachments one of them was an xml file with the title Seed Evaluation form and the other below

Here is a specimen of one of the letters

Devon Organic Growers

24/10/06

REMINDER !

Dog Walk and Seed Varieties Evaluation at Shillingford Organics, Tuesday 7^th November,

Walk, 4pm, Meeting 5pm

Directions;

E mail – you’ll find directions as an attachment to this

S mail -- I’ve enclosed a copy

PLEASE BRING FOOD

RSVP to Martyn ( phone number gone, , email address removed ) by Monday morning Nov 6^th (so the meeting can be cancelled if few people can come) with a rough idea of what food you might bring.

Veg for variety evaluation/discussion

Lettuce, tomatoes, winter cabbages and early season cabbage, kohl rabi and over wintered onions.

It would be great if, as last year, comments / information on varieties could be bought to the meeting in written format, which could then be photocopied for redistribution. The format devised by Tim and Alasdair (S.Assoc)(copy attached ) is the clearest and quickest to use, though Dave very useful longer piece on carrots last year was also well received.

Hope to see you there

Buffy

Right that's it for another week, the answer of the power of paint was David Guest who is currently toughing it out in the jungle. Please send me your stories, links, work doodles and anything you think is funny to amusingitstories@gmail.com

Hello again, come on in. A bumper packed issue this week and quite amazingly I have had stuff sent in and some of it I haven't had time to put in this issue.

This is good because it means there is already some good stuff for next week but I still need more people to send me stories, their rubbish drawings in paint, doodles of the day, your office stories, demo nightmares, there are millions of sections, pick one and post it to amusingitstories@gmail.com if there are any people who can draw cartoons well, please send me a little one, a cartoon snack, I can even tell you what to draw if you want. The blog has told me he wants more colour.

We do have one artist submitting his stuff for the blog - The ever so dangerous Biscuit Boy and you will find his Doodle of the day scattered around the blog, he cleverly didn't send me the digital photo's he took of my doodle of the day (scared of the competition). You will see them next week and they will encourage you to contribute due to their poor quality.
On with the show the new sections this week are

The Guardian 12^th November

Talking about Freddie Shepard quotes from Freddy from the news of the world

“Freddy, in a Spanish Brothel, laughing at ‘gullible’ fans and life in Geordieland. ‘Newcastle girls are all dogs,’ he said. ‘Me, I like blondes, big busts, good legs. I don’t like coloured girls. I want a lesbian show with handcuffs….”

This is more of a TV quote but there you go its Mike Newell speaking after his side's 3-2 defeat at home to Queens Park Rangers feels the presence of Rayner was just for political correctness.

"She should not be here. I know that sounds sexist, but I am sexist, so I am not going to be anything other than that," "We have a problem in this country with political correctness, and bringing women into the game is not the way to improve refereeing and officialdom. "It is absolutely beyond belief. When do we reach a stage when all officials are women, because then we are in trouble? "It is bad enough with the incapable referees and linesmen we have, but if you start bringing in women, you have big problems. "This is Championship football. This is not park football, so what are women doing here? It is tokenism, for the politically-correct idiots.'' said Newell.

from mediawatch on thursday, I just found it too funny not to include it

http://www.football365.com/mediawatch/0,17033,8749_1692170,00.html

Non-Football Story Of The Day
'The wife and girlfriend of a jobless man who already has 15 children are both pregnant. Mark Philpott, of Derby, sparked a national outcry when he complained about the size of his council house and claimed that Britain was 'going down the pan'. The 49-year-old's wife Mairead, 25, and 22-year-old girlfriend Lisa Willis are both expecting. Mr Philpott is reportedly 'annoyed with himself'. "It's one of those things that they have both fallen pregnant," he said. Mr Philpott shares his home with his wife and girlfriend and eight of his children. He is also the father to another seven offspring from three previous relationships' - The Metro.

Rubbish Icons

They are a bit fuzzy so click on them if you want a closer inspection but it won't do you any good they are pure hieroglyphics baby. These are from a product called SuperpOSe.

Colleague’s from Hell

This colleague is a manager who was known as Darth (after Darth Vader of course) by her underlings. She had a rule that people MUST pick up the phone with in “three rings”. If she heard people talking this must mean they didn’t have enough work to do, where should would then walk over and say “have you got enough work to do or would you like me to I give you some more”. She once confronted someone who had been off ill telling them “I don’t believe you were ill and nothing you can say will change my mind”

Pushing the Elephant

BLAMESTORMING (pub version)

The argument you have with your mates at 1am when the booze rounds have broken down and everyone is saying "well I bought mine"...and then Bob in the corner turns round whilst wiping Aftershock off his lips with the back of his hand and looks innocent saying "What!?"

THE BUM LIFTER

My Mother sent this one in for me

When first reading it and then looking on the sight I couldn't figure out if it was a joke but I don't think it is, the names sound like wrestling moves and what is it with Trinny and Susannah doing this weird dance moves. It was this link with bizarre nightdress coat's that really confused me, they look like a mixture of flight attendance and day time presenter http://www.amplebosom.com/acatalog/SLENDERELLA.html

The Tummy Flattener

http://www.amplebosom.com/acatalog/52118.jpg

The Bum, Tum & Thigh Reducer

http://www.amplebosom.com/acatalog/52518.jpg

The Bum Lifter

FILM PITCH – LEAF IT

Nicholas Cage is an eccentric, genius and misunderstood scientist who has created a formula to unravel the mystery of trees. He creates a mobile phone that allows him to call up any tree he wants. The film starts off with some humourous tree talking fun, where a beech tree tells him that the sexy owner undresses in the open window at 3pm every day. Later Cage gets drunk with the tree and tells the tree that he still loves his ex wife. Suddenly when speaking to a mighty oak, the Oak tree called Simon tells him the world is going to end in 24 hours as a meteor is heading straight for the planet. Cage leaps into action and calls his ex wife who works at the penthouse, he arranges a meeting with the president and then tells him the world is ending, initially the president doesn’t believes him but then Cage shows him and rings the tree in the presidents garden and tells the president he conceived his son against tree. They then save the world…just in time and Cage gets back with his ex and the president apologies to the tree. Cage destroyed the tree phone because he doesn’t want it falling into the wrong hands. THE END

"hey Geoff do you want to play a game"

"what kind of game"

"I dunno, chuck something"

and another

"What do you mean, how can you do that, my bit last comment was the only bit of brilliance in this whole conversation and you have just cast it aside"

Office Evolution - PowerPoint

In the Beginning

What's PowerPoint, I think I have seen a sales guy using it once

In the Middle Ages

I have used it a few times in a few demonstrations to impress the boss with my professional presentations. You like PowerPoint because it's safe, pre canned, you know there isn't going to be any "alright on the night" moments in the demo of everything not working, you have been down that road and know to use PowerPoint because it's safe, PowerPoint is your friend

In the Future

You PowerPoint everything, you love PowerPoint and wonder how you ever got on in life without it. You spend hours making the words fly across the presentation and jump out. You create amusing slides with pictures popping in a "wacky" way. If there is work to be done then PowerPoint is the tool to do it, even programming..

HOW FILMS COULD HAVE GONE - ET

The children when they find grotesque weird dumpy Alien with glowing finger, throw stones at the Alien and then poke it with sticks until they get hungry and then go home. The kids go back and tell their mum, thousands of army men come in and ET gets shot. Film over.

BAD CODE

Motivational Boss

Angry man rant

“why is outlook so rubbish, all the formatting has gone funny, look it's put that line over there and made it fat when you click reply button. Why do people use this piece rubbish software, why do they put up with it?"

Why I Love and Hate – Bad Horror films

LOVE

I love bad horror films because they have stupid titles like Granny, Jack Frost, Blood Gnome, Wasp Women. In fact I was just having a look here are the top titles

The Beast with Five fingers
The Curious Dr. Humpp
Frankenstein Meets the Space Monster
Let Sleeping Corpses Lie
Ninja Phantom Heroes
The Robot vs the Aztec Mummy
The Unknown Terror
Yog, Monster from Space

I love films like the The Wicker Man where the plot is just plain crazy, inticing a virgin into an island, sending him all around it and then burning him. Oops sorry for anyone who hadn’t seen it.

I love the acting is terrible, the ‘special’ effects are terrible and the dialogue is even worse. Put it all together and you have the work of genius. On the plus side for horror films is that you never know what the hell is going to happen and anything could, someone could get killed at any moment and what’s more they usually try to kill all those annoying American kids in funny ways, bad horror films like to joke about.

Oh I found some more

The Horror of Party Beach.

The Night of the Bloody Apes.

"I think that I shall never see, something as silly as a rubber killer tree..." Our stalwart military stands up against to the titular potted perils in the '60s sci-fi classic The Navy vs. the Night Monsters, courtesy of Jabootu Sponsor Eric Balzer at this website - http://www.jabootu.com/

You see killer trees. The other day I watched one where Roy Castle famous for playing the trumpet and tap dancing on the Guiness book of records had his fortune read on a train and with three tarot cards the old man told him he would go to Africa, steal a voodoo tune, come back and make a hit record but then get killed by the voodoo people.

The last reason why I love bad horror movies is because the are never afraid to show some naked flesh, women only of course nothing vulgar or indecent like a naked man. Women are always leaping about naked in horror films.

HATE

Stinkpalm

this is one of those names which everyone calls the persons but not to their face. The person in question got the name stinkpalm because he was seen coming out of the one of the traps in the toilet and depositing a smelly load, he then went straight out of the toilets, rushed downstairs and shock a customers hand and thus stink palming him All this without washing his hands!!!! The term stink palming comes from the film Mallrats and this quote explains the logic from IMDB http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0113749/quotes

Brodie: After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.
T.S. Quint: How do you propose I do that?
Brodie: You stinkpalm him.
T.S. Quint: Stinkpalm?
Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.
T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.
Brodie: Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"
T.S. Quint: Whats the point?
Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.
T.S. Quint: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.
Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

In my Day (When computers were as big as houses)

"When you made a build of the software you were making it took hours to put it all on about nine floppy disks"

Weird Game(s) of the week

16 bit wizard

How well do you know you snes games and facts, this will put you to the test

http://www.freeonlinegames.com/play/3198.html

Dice Mogul

Which is suspiciously like monopoly except you don’t have to spend hours setting it up only for the other people to quit because they bored (e.g. losing)

http://www.freeonlinegames.com/play/10289.html

Coconut Curumba – I put this game on because it’s so rubbish

http://www.freeonlinegames.com/play/10185.html

The Terrible One

oh my god this link is pure evil business genius. Forget Mickey Jackson, you want soul and entertainment then watch this, I love the way the geezer could not put one once more of meaning into that song here is

Sideways melon farmer sent this clip in and described itbeautifuly

this has to go in!

Jesus! I can't watch a moment of it, my poor toes are broken from curling

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fhYg_7e3X54

By Jove I believe this fellow works with Computers







John Fashanu didn't invent the catchphrase Awooga. It was invented/first used on by Craig Charles from Red Dwarf fame.

This is the rumour I have read on the internet. Hey readers you must have some I can't believe it's not true facts out there for me, come on hand em over.

This was submitted by Cheddar and was an email sent around the office. The email before was a discussion about football predictions. I love it because it is just so random.

Yep I shall remember that for future predications and also try to keep an eye on the scores after the match days...

I wish I had a device rapped round my wrist that displayed all the scores in a meaningful and graphical user interface which showed all scores dynamically with interactive dialogue and moving streaming video images of the major scoring goals of the match day events as well.. and a final summary of the scores after a certain period of time even though there may well be matches played the next day or later on in the day.. it would be a great tool to have and I wish it were free at no extra expense as well.... oh well - I'll have to buy the Sunday newspaper instead then...

squash banana’s up his, what did that baboon just say

This was an amusing tale submitted by a reader where he accidentally squashed a banana up his, not really I’m just joking, my readers are high brow they would only squash Kiwi’s or Water melons. A buddy sent me a wav clip of someone singing “Squash bananas up his arse”, with this blurb

In 1994 Disney released an electronic talking story book based on the Lion King film - parents soon complained that a sound sample of Rafiki the baboon shaman appeared to be chanting "squash bananas up his arse". Apparently the offending phrase was some innocent Swahili/English mixup and the Disney corporation does not condone the insertion of fruit into the anus.

It is a false claim according to the urban legends site, check it out and you can hear the squashing arse talk for yourself.

http://www.snopes.com/disney/films/rafiki.htm

searching for my site, at least my site is coming first (boom boom), this search was on altavista http://www.altavista.com/web/results?itag=ody&kgs=0&kls=0&q=%20is%20%20%20WonderCum%20for%20real&stq=10

I have had three different searches regarding wondercum

is WonderCum for real
wondercum review
wondercum scam

People got to my site from Google when typing

jade hits a gran in face

This one is really puzzling, I don’t think I have ever heard an embarrassing story regarding them (hmmm), he must have been disappointed I haven’t got any

embarrasing stories regarding breasts

Shopping

I hate shopping.
My mom has always thought it strange that I chose a career in retail.
A few minutes ago my friend Katie called to see if I wanted anything from Walmart. I said "Can I come?"
She said "Only if you won't bother me." LOL
I said "Well, what are you going to get?"
She said "See, you are already bothering me." LOL
She's at Walmart. I'm posting on this blog.

there is another post which I am going to add a bit of because I'm quite fond of a bit of bible spouting nonsense and talk of doctrine of the devil

CONVERSATIONS WITH WHO?

I received an email today that I found interesting enough to quote it here at the Sisters' Weblog:

Two particular books, Conversations with God and Conversations with God for Teens, written by Neale D. Walsch , sound harmless enough by their titles alone. These books have been on the New York Times best sellers list for a number of weeks, and these publications make truth of the statement, "Don't judge a book by its cover/title."

The author purports to answer various questions from kids using the "voice of God". However, the "answers" that he gives are not Bible-based and go against the very infallible word of God. For instance (and I paraphrase), when a girl asks the question "Why am I a lesbian?" His answer is that she was born that way because of genetics (just as you were born right-handed,with blue eyes, etc...). Then he tells her to go out and "celebrate" her differences. Another girl poses the question "I am living with my boyfriend. My parents say that I should marry him because I am living in sin. Should I marry him?" His reply is, "Who are you sinning against? Not me, because you have done nothing wrong."

Another question asks about God's forgiveness of sin. His reply "I do not forgive anyone because there is nothing to forgive. There is no such thing as right or wrong and that is what I have been trying to tell everyone, do not judge people. People have chosen to judge one another and this is wrong, because the rule is "'judge not lest ye be judged.'" And the list goes on.

Not only are these books the false doctrine of devils, but in some instances even quote (in error) the Word of God. These books (and others like it) are being sold to school children (The Scholastic Book Club), and we need to be aware of what is being fed to our children. Our children are under attack.

So I pray that you be sober and vigilant about teaching your children the Word of God, and guarding their exposure to worldly mediums, because our adversary, the Devil, roams about as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour (1 Peter 5:8). And how many of us know that lions usually hunt for the slowest, and weakest and YOUNGEST of its prey.

Gal 6:9 Let us not be weary in doing good, for we will reap in due season,if we don't give up.

On two the second boring blog and this one is literally just boring, I like the comments though it's from the blog Omphaloskepsis - It's not just a job... it's a way of life. The world omplaloskepsis means to stare at one's navel as an aid to meditation.

Most Boring Entry Ever

This is post 300. I have nothing interesting to say at this time. Thank you.

davidh

three replies:

I would suggest you stick with typical logarithm-scale milestone lines: 1,2,5,10,20,50,... That makes it less obtrusive than having to come up with something ultra-cool every 100 posts.

PeterCJ - January 11 '05, 19:40

I just noticed: you're getting awfully close to post #500.
Are you planning something major, or is it going to wimper by?

PeterCJ (link) - April 18 '06, 12:00

I do have something planned for #500. It will probably fall somewhere between #200 and #300 in impressiveness. :-)

davidh

Fantastic 80’s TV - http://www.ateamshrine.co.uk/season5.php

I was watching the A Team this week and it was fantastic. It started off with these two "hard men" going into a really rubbish second hand TV show, knocking over a load of the TV's and then getting some money out of the old codger who owned it. The Ruffians then bopped him in the stomach and on the way out hit the shoe shine kid (did they really exist in the 80's) and then drive off and smashing his shoe shine box/tools, good god they are evil. The next scene was to get BA onto the plane, he first sets of the metal detector by walking through with all his bling and growling at the dude. Then they drug him and carry on an unconcious BA onto the plane. Ohh how times have changed hey.

Anyway watching this episode got me thinking it would be funny to read some episode guides for classic 80's shows like the A-Team, knight rider and Boon etc. So this week we are kicking off with a classic A Team episode

The Crystal Skull

Series 5: Episode 10 (95)
Original Air Date (US): November 28th 1986.
Written by: Bill Nuss
Directed by: Michael O'Herlihy

The A-Team are on a mission to recover a stolen historical aretact (it looked like it was plastic to me!), the crystal skull of the title. However, whilst trying to escape, Murdock, Frankie and Face crash on a tribe-inhabited island. Murdock is carrying the skull and the tribespeople recognise him as a God (much to B.A.'s annoyance, "Bunch of fools worshipping the king fool of all time!").
However, the skull is stolen by mercenaries masquerading as monks who are trying to make all the tribes on the island work in mines to collect diamonds. The A-Team have to return the skull to Stockwell in order to secure stability in the Middle East.
I don't know what to say about this episode. It wasn't very good really, and I don't think it had much of a plot - just a lot of people in grass skirts muttering "Mutata, Murdockah, mutata" etc

I thought I would do a post of Amusing IT Stories with just the cartoons used, these were in last weeks editionAmusing IT Stories - 3rd Edition - George Foreman didn't invent his own grill!
and with the bonus robots from the first edition. Maybe some people just like the cartoons without the Hosk waffle and if you do well here you go. Don't forget this weeks edition this friday

this isn't a cartoon but it's still funny

Another edition, another load of new sections added, yeah yeah I know haven't I got enough sections (current count is at .... I can't be bothered there is too many to count). New Sections are,

Why I love and Hate - something you love and hate
I can't believe it's not true - Things you cannot believe are not true
How films could have gone - how a film could have been so different if the characters had made a different choice at a vital time
emails that should have never been sent (that's got some potential that one) - some emails should have never have been sent.
Work Excuses - Pathetic excuses that people came up because they weren't doing their job.
Pushing the elephant - Office Jargon Buster - Explaining management sayings and then giving a way to use it outside the office
Work Doodles - Don't waste time in meetings listening to people waffle on, do a doodle, photo it with your phone and send it in
By Jove I believe that fellow works with computer - Some people just look like they work with computers

I had an ahhh they have found me moment this week when someone from the boring blog of the week found I had used his blog and he said something but I can't remember it was soo boring. Only joking he complained that it was unclear the 3rd entry was his blog, so I went back and twiddled it, at least someone is reading this blog (apart from my friends who I can directly spam)

There is a lot more of brain dumped into the blog this week, which is no doubt means there is more stuff you have to scroll through to get to the funny links and stuff,

Blogger has gone completely mental with it's formatting and I can't do anything with it, so the bottom half of this edition goes crazy big style, it's beaten me and time has run out.



Why I love my George Foreman Grill

I love the fact that the bumf on the packet say indoor grilling, now that my friends sounds like some manly stuff.

it's brilliant watching the fat leak down (fighting every inch of the way) into the little grey pot and then thinking I would have eaten all that fat. Another game the George Foreman grill gang do is to buy good quality meat from the butchers and the be amazed that hardly any fat came out. Now if an English boxer had invented it, it would have been rubbish and boring. An American does it and it has 50 million different styles in ways unimaginable. Half of them look like apple computers for gods sake. They even have a junior grill, I couldn't really work out if it was meant for kids or just smaller. What is good about the George is that it easy to use because it just like BBQing or grilling but without the time needed to get it going and in fact it's faster because it heats both top and bottom.

Another reason I like the George Foreman is because 99 percent of women don't even know that George Foreman was a world champion boxer, let alone he was one side of one of the greatest if not most talked about fights in recent history - The Thriller in Manila agaisnt Ali.

Tilting a hot surface with a griddled side and then plonking it in some colourful kitchen top appliance, genius. You add that with the George Foreman name and then you are cooking.

why I hate the George Foreman Grill
one word - cleaning

ahhhh just like it's sister the Brevil it is a b1tch to clean, oh the pain. Even when you are cooking it you can already fill the pain of having to clean it. The other thing I hate is transported the fat to the bin, it takes a lot of small, slow steps keeping the containing straight until you get right near the bin get over excited and spill half it down you. Another reason I hate it, well just read the I can't believe it's not true section.