Monday, October 30, 2006

Amusing IT Stories - 2nd Edition - I wanna hear your lovesounds baby

Hello You, welcome back and as Han Solo (that sounds suspiciously like Hand Solo) once said to C3PO - Hurry up goldenrod. Or you will be a permanent resident.

Well I have been busy this week, beavering away on stuff. The contributions have gone better than I expected with a whooping three of my friends emailing me at this email address amusingitstories@gmail.com which is pretty good going and you will see the fruits of their labour below. The figures viewing the site last week were very good and I managed to trick, cajole, beg and bully 1000 people into viewing last weeks entry but I want more I tell you.

I have been busy adding new categories that will appear, which can be seen here, the more interesting new entries is a couple of cartoons done in my rubbish style, Angry man rant, local news, film/TV pitch, Best Work Nickname.

With more time this week, I have made a bigger entry but with more made up stuff from me because only 3 people emailed in something. I am not really sure if the things I make up are funny but it doesn't stop me. One person doesn't think their funny, I posted last week edition
on dzone and he didn't like it soo much he complained, he said my blog was Lame
Techno Bully reported this link as lame on 10/29/2006 @ 02:53:24
What does a FAQ on Hypnotism, spam the author received and pictures of Bono Vox with Bill Gates have to do with development? This isn't even techie humor, just a lame atempt at getting page hits...
What a technological bully, I will see what he says this week when I post this edition.


Bad Code

One day I went through a phase of instead of putting in a "," or a blank " " in String in my code I made variables called COMMA and BLANK and used those through out my code for a few days. A few days later I suddenly came to my senses and wondered what the hell I had been doing and instead of typing a word five times longer than the comma or space I should just put the bloody comma or space in. I also couldn't remember if BLANK meant no space or a space.


Guess What the Button Does?

This weeks buttons is a musical theme and the buttons are taken from soundforge and although they are rubbish, it can be a bit more difficult trying to make icons for some of the things the button is meant to be doing. On the other hand just because it's hard doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I have given you the bottom icon because that one isn't bad it is in fact quite cool and wouldn't be out of place on a game of catchphrase

Wave Hammer



This is the News
Hallelujah! All Saints are Back
They will always be immortals. To my knowledge, they are the only band in history to have split up over a jacket. Specifically who got to wear a particular one to the capital fm christmas party 2000. At some level, you have to admire their work.
The Guardian on Friday 17th

FAQ - Bigfoot/sasquatch

1. If I see one, shouldn't I shoot it? I'll be famous!
2. If I tell you about my experience will there be people showing up on my doorstep?
3. How big can a Sasquatch get?
4. If Bigfoot is a real animal, then why haven't we found any dead ones?
5. Can't orbiting satellites see Bigfoot?
6. What do they eat?
7. What is the geographic range of Bigfoot?
8. How many Sasquatch are there? Is the population diminishing?
9. Aren't those big footprints fake? Wouldn't it be easy to fake them?
10. Is the 1967 "Patterson Film" shot in Bluff Creek, CA a hoax?
11. If sasquatch was proven beyond doubt that it was real, what would happen? 12. But I thought there was just one?!?
13. Are there Bigfoot "homes/houses?"


The Ultimate Work Nickname

Dynamo Warlock AKA The Atomic Walrus

I love both of these nicknames just because they are so weird. The extra added bonus was they use to drive the guy made because he kept wanting to know what the names meant. The reasoning behind the name was I saw it as a five aside team name and thought it would be a great nickname. Then people kept forgetting what it was so they also called him the atomic walrus.



Office Etiquette - the unwritten rules of office life

Office Property (chairs, pens, rulers, monitors, keyboards etc)

What you have to remember about office property that it is property of the office. Just because you sit on the same chair everyday and use that same phone and keyboard it doesn't mean it's yours. Your fellow workers are fully aware of this fact so as soon as you leave the office for a day, other office works are legally (unwritten law) allowed to take or swap for a similar but broken any item on or around your desk. This could be any items such as phone, mouse, rubber wrist matt protectors, chairs, monitors. When someone leaves the office this is the ideal opportunity to swap any broken equipment you have for the working equipment on the absentee's desk. Even if your mouse/monitor/keyboard isn't broken, why not upgrade.

On return of the absentee worker all workers in the office agree to take a vow of silence of the matter of who was snooping around their desk.



Demo Hell

The Managing Director was demoing a product to customer and needed a database to select a few products to show the clients the new functionality. The product he was demoing was brand spanking new so the database he used was a development database, with made up developer products in. When the MD selected a few products together, he then went into a report and the descriptions of the first three products came out as this

Prod1 - I like to Lick
Prod2 - big dogs b0ll0cks
Prod3 - because I can't lick my own

Needless to say development database's weren't used for customer demo's after that.


Spam of the Week

It was a different spam and a different website but it turns out that wond3rcum had just moved. I am still fascinated by this site just because they says things like

"Have you ever wanted to impress your girl with a huge cumsh0t?"

I can't say that I ever have and whether it a huge cumsh0t would impress the ladies?? The website has a couple of nice touches, the title is predictable in well and the product is Doctor approved because they have a bloke in a white jacket



on with the spam, unusual title to this spam

Subject : month


Increase the volume of your ejaculation in just days!"

Ever wanted longer, more intense orgasms?

Has your cum ever dribbled and you wish it had shot out?

Have you ever wanted to impress your girl with a huge cumshot?

Order today and We fully guarantee.

http://bchn.net


They have also added (made up) a couple of new and baffling testimonials, what is a 5 star shooter! W0ndercum does sound a bit like some kind of messy superhero

Brad 36, US

Being gay W0nderCum has really made me a hit at partys, I have now a reputation for being a 5 star shooter! Thanks very much

Matt 58, US

Since taking your product, i am compleatly cured of imp0tence! My girl now loves to 0raly pleasure me, due to the improved flavour and texture, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me, thanks alot!



Boring Blogs


1. this blog "Gary's Boring Blog" entry is called Early Halloween and the word that accompany it are
In case you can't tell, Angelie is an octopus, and I'm a shark...Mummy didn't have an outfit this year
I like the fact both him and the baby seem like they have just realised they look a bit over dressed and Daddy has put a bit to much effort in and what the hell is early halloween??



2. Next up we have Icyshard's (never) Boring Blog of Banality and the legendary blog titled double sneeze and here it is

Double Sneeze

A little while ago I just experienced something completely bizarre; something I have never before experienced.

I sneezed. Ok, that’s not the weird part. What made this sneeze unique is that I sneezed twice at the same time—a sneeze within a sneeze, if you will.

It wasn’t one sneeze after another. It was a sneeze, and while the A-CHOO from that sneeze was coming out, somewhere in the “CH” part I believe, I sneezed again.

So, I guess it was something like “A-CH-A-CHOO-CHOO”, only really fast, and all blurred together, instead of said separately. Unfortunately, no one is around to hear me and back me up on this, so I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it that it did indeed happen as I say.

Has this sort of thing happened to you or anyone you know?

3. Lastly we have the a blog from cephyn called Cephyn's Corner and it has couple of awsome blog entries but you should be careful blogging can be bad for you, as the blog entry say's this is just killing me

03:28 pm - this is just killing me...
While I was out and about yesterday, I saw a guy I know I recognized as an actor. But for the life of me, I can't recall at ALL from where. He's rather tall (he was taller than me by a few inches), thin, sharp/angular facial features. Dark, dark hair, longer than average and slicked back. High forehead, slightly receding hairline. Around 40 yrs old, British. Not a main guy, supporting roles/character actor. If you have any guesses, let me know. I can't place him at all. Maybe he was just in a Law&Order episode!
although not as good as this entry
Idiot
I basically tried to chew through my cheek in one bite at dinner. It friggin hurts. I determined that it was so annoying, I needed to share.

Now excuse me while I drool over Studio 60.

Lame Sickie Excuse

One person came up with the excuse that they had become allergic to sun light and it hurt their eyes despite working inside in an office. The eye illness took a month off in which time should found another job and the company couldn't even get the person in too give them warnings because they were off sick, genius!



In my day (when computers were as big as houses)

"When I first compiled the Linux source code it took 3 days"


Dangers of the Pipe!
Now I'm a bit concerned about youngsters out there not being educated about the dangers of "the pipe". I'm not talking about a bit of wood bine I'm talking about hard stuff. Luckily it looks like I'm not the only one worrying about the dangers of "the pipe" because Justin Timberlake in his new album about it and here are some of the lyrics to song called - Losing my way
Yeah, Yeah Uh Excuse Me

Hi, My Name Is Bob
And I Work At My Job
I Make 40 Something Dollars A Day
I Use To Be The Man In My Home Town
Until I Started To Lose My Way
It All Goes Back When I Dropped Out Of School
Having Fun I Was Living The Life
But Now I Have A Problem With That Little White Rock
See I Cant Put Down The Pipe

Here is another good verse

I Remember Where I Was When I Got My First Buzz
See I Thought I Was Living The Life
And The Craziest Thing Is I'll Probably Never Know
The Color Of My Daughter's Eyes

If you want to see all the lyrics for this song check it out here http://www.lyricsandsongs.com/song/760255.html, it's worth checking out just to read the discussion below where people are talking about whether Justin uses the dangerous "pipe" himself. The title of new album is called FUTURESEX/LOVESOUNDS which with the addition of a few more words you have yourself a cool new chat up line.


in one
Person 1. I have brought in a violin for you to tune.
Person 2. (laughing) a violin, why?

Person 1. I dunno it was something to do
in two
My ex girlfriends boyfriend filled up her head with magic
in three (well I heard it on TV)
I have paid for you everything for you, this house, clothes, babystuff, your fake abortion!
SoapLand Logic

You have just got a love letter (I thought people only gave those about in school) from your step son. This by the way is the same young lad who you use to babysit before the Dad decided he needed some babysitting as well and then swapped his wife for his babysitter. So the stop son has given you a love, how do you react do you.

A. Ignore the silly boys advances and tell him that he is too young and looks like a scarecrow and you are quite happy with his Dad and we will keep our relationship the step mum and step son variety.

B. Go off with the young gun and put his youthful exuberance to good use.


C.
Go to the toilet and read his letter, get startled when someone comes in and looks at you a bit wierd because you are reading a letter in the toilet. Flustered you head on out to the pub and see the step son, you go up to the step Dad/ your husband and say I'm going back to work, despite arranging to meet him there for lunch. After you have worked all afternoon you come out of the cafe to find the step son waiting right outside in a van. He says get in, so you get in, tell him you have never felt like this and you are scared and then give him a whopping passionate snog. Then quicker than you can say mixed signals you dash off into the pub go up to your husband and say "lets move to spain".


Angry Office Rant

[person walks up to his desk and notices his chair is missing]

Where's my chair, who's taken my chair, oh you leave the office for one day and some bleeder, steals your chair or takes it adjust all the settings which took me months to ge just right and puts it back if you are lucky. Ahh here it is.

[he finds his chair over the other side of the office and wheels it back, sits at his desk and goes to pick up his phone]

WHERE'S MY PHONE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS, THIS IS RIDICULOUS I CANNOT WORK IN THESE CONDITIONS

[he finds his phone on another persons desk, and then proceeds to stick post it notes with his name on all of his office equipment]


Film/TV Pitch

This is where I decide what should be on our screens

Film pitch - Dukes of Hazard Versus Alien

Ripley turns out to be a relative of Daisy Duke and the Aliens find a way to travel back in time and come flying out from between Daisy Dukes ample cleavage. The Aliens terrorise the town, much to the annoyance of Rosco P Coltrane who initially tries to just bat the aliens with a baseball bat and comes to a humour death doing a famous laugh before dying. The Queen Alien lays a load of eggs into the boot of the General Lee just as the boys Luke and Bo Duke realise that the Aliens have a fatal weakness to water. So jump in through the windows of their car (nope no one knows why they don't use the doors) and then in dramatic finally just as the eggs are hatching go over a twisting jump, flip open the boot and toot their catchphrased horn just as the Alien eggs fall to their deaths into the water. Everyone lives happily ever after and the doctors have managed to patch up Daisy Duke but is she really fine (leaving it open for a sequel - Dukes of Hazard versus Alien and Predator and arnold schwarzenegger and sylvester stallone are the Luke and Bo).

TV Pitch - Celebrity Auswitch

A reality TV show where 20 z list celebrities go into Auswitch and see what it was like. They have weekly tasks like forging passports, digging tunnels and jumping over a pommel horse. Each week one person gets voted off and put into the "gas" chamber



Caption Competition Results (top 3)


1. "I can assure you, Bill, I'm a much bigger c()nt than Sting..." submitted by Dunny
2. "Look my laptop has got the blue screen of Death again, I'm changing to Linux" submitted Tux
3. "Bono - Pull my finger" - "Bill - I'm not falling for that again" submitted by Chickery Pickins





Colleagues from Hell

This one was sent in from The Urban Snake Charmer. He said he used to work with a guy who wore the same clothes every day, every week, every month and every year. As you would expect they stunk. He had yellow teeth, a greasy ponytail and wore grey slacks and a dark grey jumper. Despite being 40 odd he still lived at home with his mother and the only vegetable he would eat were Baked Beans


Arm wrestling delivers the biggest hits

For all those people who have watched over the top, now is your chance to see it in action, in Manchester at the Trafford Centre. This link was sent in by the Grizzler and certainly is a bit "over the top" with it's hyperbole on two men wrestling with only one arm. Here are some of the quotes from Mr Pickup who is a real person and former arm wrestling world middleweight champion

"I have been lucky enough to enjoy the highest level of success in a sport which I love.

"I can't wait to see our best athletes delivering their biggest hits and most lethal techniques in Manchester.

"Arm wrestling as a sport has developed tremendously over the last decade."



Evil IT Administrator

Another new section, this section is about any IT Administrators who have been dishing out the tough love they know their users need just because they can. This one has been emailed in by an evil IT admin who likes to call himself Mr C.
There was one guy who for some reason egged me off, I can't remember how but because he had angered me, I didn't get angry he got even + 1. Firstly I blocked his own website, blocked msn access and then ran a web access report, found his top 10 sites and blocked those as well and repeated the process for a few days.
I think the morale of this story is, don't piss off your IT Administrator.


Weird Games of the Week

Kitton Cannon
http://www.addictinggames.com/kittencannon.html

I have no idea what this game is called but it is cool, you have to catch and throw paper into the bin, sounds rubbish but isn't. Rubbish, get it.

http://www.sticky.tv/game/cyrkam_airtos/


Local News and Local Views

In my local paper the Quinton reporter they have a readers views section where people write in responding to a topical question put forward by the newspaper. This week the question was should the government put the clocks forward, here are the best responses.

"There should be laws to stop the government changing time, who does Tony Blair think he is God, what are they going to do next move the days of the week around"


"We should do what they do in Europe and have single/double summer time, one hour ahead in the summer two hours a head in the winter. Maybe we be innovative and go to double/triple summer time. I know I would"


"Isn't the only reason they move the clocks forward so the farmers in Scotland can have a bright sunny morning, well I say stuff the Scottish farmers, what have they ever given this country, nothing except maybe BSE"

"it's not right that in October 4pm is 4pm but then in November 4pm is suddenly 5pm or 5pm is 4pm. Well that is the problem I don't know what hour is what know that we are in November"

"I work nights so I like it when the clocks go forward because it's easier for me to sleep, the only thing I don't like with the clocks going forward is that it is colder"



First Timers Guide - No One Forgets their Very First Time?

This was sent in by Regina Phellangy (which I'm not sure but could be one of Bob Geldolf's children) under the title of the First Timer's Guide and a link to a website. When I clicked on the website the full title was First Timer's Guide - no one forgets their very first time. I suddenly has a nasty thought you the readers had managed to get the wrong impression of me and not the playboy lothario I really am. Worry yee not my faithful reader because it was all a comical misunderstanding the site in question is from the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra website and is a guide for people embarking on their first taste of classical music. They provide helpful questions like these
my favourite is the, When Should I clap?

When should I clap?

It can often be difficult to know when you are ‘supposed’ to clap.
Generally, you clap only once the piece is complete (rather than between movements). If you don’t know the piece, your concert programme will tell you how many movements there are in a particular piece. There is normally a 10-20 second pause between movements, so you should be able to work out which movement you are hearing.
If that doesn’t work, wait for everyone else to start, and then join in!


Robots

Out of all the things in this edition this cartoon took me the longest and it's done in the Hoskinator style. If anyone can actually draw and would like to my jokes into animation for me, please email me amusingitstories@gmail.com



Computer News this week - summarising the weekly net news

NetBeans Announces no announcement

Suns Java integrated development environment (IDE) NetBeans announced that there was no announcement this week which shocked the industry and quickly motivated the NetBeans directors to announce the company was not in deep trouble and on a downward spiral inside a debt corridor. A spokesman for NetBeans said "next time we don't have anything to announce we are just going to keep quiet about it. We haven't really done anything this week because the boss was away, you know what it's like". Wise words indeed.

Processor grown on side of mouse

Today's scientists managed to grow a processor on the side the side of a field mouse. The scientist Earnest Tuttleworth said this was a real break through, at the moment we have grown a small 124 megabyte processor but hopefully in the future I hope to grow a intel pentium. When asked what had inspired him he said "I was always amazed that scientists were constantly growing ears, lungs and hearts on the side of mice but I thought why are they wasting their time growing those things that people don't want. What people are always complaining about is how slow their computer are running. It then hit me why don't I grow something useful on the side of mice. Mice are really an untapped resource in the computer industry. When asked of his future plans Earnest said "In the future I am to be able to grow a processor with fan on an individual mouse, which you will then be able to plug straight into the computer, then instead of electricity you will be able to power computers using lumps of cheese.

Children brought in to end Iraq war

A competition to find the best gamer on Jet Fighter game bird of death on the PS2 was revealed to be more than just finding the best gamer but it was actually a recruitment by the UK government to find pilots to help bring the Iraq war to quick finish. In the game objectives of the game is to bomb Iraq until you tip the axis of evil icon in the corner of the game to point to good and not evil. The game has a 5 percent civilian casualty rate and 2 percent friendly fire. The top three contestants in the competition would be recruited to fly the new computer piloted fighter jets which are just out of production. When asked why children were chosen a British Military commander said "We chose children because they have quick reflexes and are fast learners. They also just think it's a game and so the killing of thousands of people doesn't affect them like it would a normal soldier and adult.

The Rest of the News

BBC announces new show 25
It's like 24 but one better, so when people will be watching 25 they will reach the climax of 24th hour but then have another even greater climax in the 25th hour. Instead of Kiefer Sutherland we are going to have Leslie Grantham with Charlotte Church as his daughter. The BBC refuse to confirm or deny if Charlotte Church will be wearing a cat suit and Grantham will be wearing a bowler hat and can. Noel Edmonds will continue his recent rise in popularity by being the main villain know as the Dealer. The plot centres around Basingstoke where The Dealer has placed 25 boxes and one of them has a bomb in. Can Grantham and Church save the day in 25 hours.

Church wants children to burn Catholics

A vicar recently to told I don't like all pagan jingoism, people dressing up wearing pumpkins and skeleton suits, it's not right, what kind of message is that sending to young children, go dress up as pumpkin and scare old ladies into giving you sweets when they haven't even got enough money to heat their own houses or go to the dentist. I think we should get back to traditional English beliefs like Guy Fawkes, we should be encouraging kids to burn catholics on bonfires during Halloween , get back towards tradition.

The burning of Guy Fawkes is exactly what the church need to do because pretending to burn to death people is exciting to young children because it's like one of their computer games and everyone knows kids love fire.

So kids should ditch the funny costumes and go to their local bonfire and celebrate halloween by burning the effigy of Guy Fawkes and get some decent values in them.


Power of Paint


Here is this weeks power of paint for some reason he seems a lot younger in my drawing. I will give you a clue and tell you it isn't Tom Cruise






New Game Idea

I am always interested in the wierd games people come up with, like Lemmings, Railroad Tycoon, Street Fighter, Space Invaders. So I thought I would have a crack at it.

Janitor

The main objective of the game Janitor is too keep your grumpometer in the miserable/grumpy old man zone. You do this by puncturing footballs, hiding peoples coats, grassing on children, tripping people up with your broom and scaring children. If you don't do the above things then your grumpometer will go up. The game is over if your grumpometer ever reaches the level of happy, the Janitor will keel over and die. There is a bonus round where you get bonus lives for locking as many children in the school over night as possible.


LINKAGE - What the Internet was made for

A Mr C sent this link to me, I'm not sure why but I was thank ful for the contribution and it made me laugh so I thought I would share the wealth

This link below is so amazingly good sent in by Simon Leeftijd, I struggle to find words. I will drop in a few tasters, it's starts like a classic horror film

"A few years ago I was by the derelict church on Cardigan Road near my then house, and I found a blue hardback notebook. It is some sort of builder's diary, and the first ten pages or so consist of notes about building jobs and technical sketches, like this: "

Alternative lyrics to a Another Day in Paradise and Sophie Ellis Bextors dance floor classic Murder on the Dance floor, I will have to give you a sample

A Rinky Dinky Dee

DJ Betta Rock Me

To the Grove

Gonna Burn this Granma's house down


What time is it again

betta tell me when

It's Ten, It's Ten, It's Ten

Ill Darnce

Again, Again, Again


Not in the News

There was a story this week that Microsoft IE 7 team sent the FireFox team a cake to celebrate the launch of both browsers. No where in the news did it say that Microsoft did this as thanks to FireFox for all the ideas for improvements in their new browsers, things like tabs etc.

Sky announced that they had brought the 3rd series of Lost. No one at Sky said "we brought it because it was popular and we clearly richer than Channel 4 and if any other American show that is popular we will buy that as well". This statement was quickly followed up by no one at Sky or anywhere else saying "of course Lost was popular but it won't be popular now that it is on Sky, the viewing figures for this show will drop well below channel 4's figures for the previous series of Lost".

Google continued to live up to it's tag as the new Microsoft commented not one person when they brought Jotspot as talked about here. There are unfounded rumours that Google will start pushing back all release dates, whilst they code in lots of security flaws into their latest software releases. They also haven't started recruiting more people to their legal team for the constant legal battles to deny they are a monopoly and bully the other software companies they haven't yet brought.

The inventor of the web is worried people are misusing the internet after he heard of a case where someone used the internet at home for 4 hours without once seeing a naked person. He definitely didn't say "I didn't event the internet for people to waste their time doing work and writing blogs, I invented so shy nerdy people wouldn't have to go through the embarrassing ordeal of buying Jazz mags from local corner shops".

finally Oracle have released a version of Linux and have given it the fate baiting name of unbreakable Linux and will give it away for free.

And that wasn't the news this week and all of the quotes and opinions above were all completely made up, except the story about Oracle !!!!



Office Evolution - Evolution of the Office Human


The idea for this bit is a little unusual so I better explain it. Basically it shows how are opinions of things in the office change the more time we have been there. I split the evolution of the office working into three stages. This weeks topic is a phone on your desk.

In the Beginning (you have just left University/school) office man sees a phone on his desk
Office man is amazed the company would give him his own phone, I must be really important. This is on my desk so I can be contacted 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I wonder if it works it hasn't ever rang yet. I better test it, "Hi Mum, yeah I'm ringing from my own phone, yes I thought I must be important as well"

In the Middle ages (2 or 3 years on) office man sees a phone on his desk
Office man is starting to become the a phone power user, picking up calls from the other end of the office with a * 30. He has his Mother on speed dial, so no time wasted dialling for this boy. He can pick up the phone, stuff it between his neck and shoulder and continue to work. Hey these phones are pretty useful.

In the Present (now, 5 plus years experience) office man sees a phone on his desk
God dam bloody phone never stops ringing, people hassling me every minute of the day, ring bloody ring. Oh but when they aren't ringing me they are ringing someone else in the office who is never at their desk, which means I'm a glorified secretary. Hey can't anyone else pick up calls across the office, come on you have all been shown. If only I didn't have this contraption on my desk, I could probably do some work.


Amsterdam Rob and his three funny Google video's

Amsterdam Rob sent these in to me and said they are funny, who am I to argue. Take is away Rob.
Today's hot 3 Google video clips, counting down...
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=5946770911012364629
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=4546351980883718558
http://video.google.co.uk/videoplay?docid=507732229697832036



Saw Review

I saw Saw this week at the cinema, Saw 3, the third in the saw trilogy. So I thought I would do a review, I will warn you there will be some spoilers in my review of Saw 4. Yes that's right I'm not going to review Saw 3 because that's to easy, so I am going to review the next in the series Jigsaw once again isn't dead and spends the next film laying about almost dying again. Before he was ill he set up a load more traps. This time he sets his sights a bit higher and goes for A celebrity. He manages to lure Paris Hilton into a dungeon thinking all the cameras would catch her shagging and thus giving her career a nice boost. She then has to perform horrible things like dress in clothes where she doesn't look like a prostitute. She struggles a bit and then finally 10 seconds before the room is filled with deadly gas she completes the task but with a minor injury. Similar tasks happen in the next two rooms and then finally she comes face to face with Nicole Ritchie. Ritchie calls her tart and then Hilton kills her but shooting her but little did she realise Nicole had the key to the exit. Jigsaw then gives a smug "I told you so" dialogue and the film ends leaving enough scope to make another film.


Paper Quote

This is from the Observer last sunday
Russell Crowe is the sort of person who lives in a glass house and who stones should be thrown at.


And on the left is the answer to this weeks Guess the Icons





Caption competition


You have to come up with a caption and then email me amusingitstories@gmail.com the caption and I will show the best one next week. This email is the same email you would use if you wanted to contribute anything else next week as well.











Readers Letters

We are on the final stretch now, someone actually sent in one of the letters below

Letter 1

Dear Hoskinator (that's me)
I have an idea, u might say a cunning plan, which for the life of me I cannot understand why it hasn't been done already. My idea: Head & Shoulders creator Proctor & Gamble to create a new range of anti-itching\scratching
\soothing shower gel, soap, bath foam etc,
called (of course) Knees & Toes. Think of the relief it will bring to
scabby people across the galaxy.

This would of course open the gates for other products like eye drops,
ear drops, nose drops, mouth drops (?) and athletes foot cream. The
possibilities are endless™

What do you think of my idea?

Regards,

Mr Dan Druff

Hoskinator's response
An interesting idea of which there is no doubt. I think the perfect solution would be to combine the current Head and Shoulders product with the new product you suggested, so you get Head and Shoulders and Knees and Toes, it leaves no crusty stone unturned.

Letter 2

Dear Hoskinator (that's me)

I read that touching a door handle in the toilet is like touching 15 pen1s's, I'm worried because when I touched the door handle (aka 15 man handles) I didn't feel bad or wrong and if anything it felt good because I could leave the toilet and I had just dropped a dirty bomb in their. So am I gay, not that being gay is a bad thing it's just it would be quite a shock to me because I have a terrible dress sense and a girlfriend. Also is touching the door handle in the womens toilet like touching 15 fifi's because that has been a fantasy of mine.

All the best

Reginald White

Hoskinator's answer
A very interesting question but one which has a simple answer. 70 percent of men who ask are they gay are gay. So it is highly likely that you are gay, so buy some chaps, grow a moustache and put on the YMCA and see how it feels.



The End (almost)

right here we are at the credits. Well done if you made it this far. I want to thank everyone who contributed stuff, it certainly made my life easier because I don't have to think up so much rubbish, I didn't have to but I did. But if more people send in amusing stories or ideas for any of the sections which can be found here then please email them to me at this email address amusingitstories@gmail.com. The more people that email stuff in the better this blog will be.

Apologies to people who are fans of grammar and spelling but I haven't had time to re read this so it's probably a right load of gubbins. If you liked this edition and you weren't a fan last week then you can read the first edition here

ooh before I forget the power of paint was Gordon Brown, go back and have a look, it's pretty good this week. Any cartoon artists out there who want to cartoon up my ideas and have their work put on this blog please email me, I keep asking people but they are all tooooo busy.

I will end with another plea for stories from anyone reading this, I'm sure there are plenty of people with just one funny story that happened in the office or a college from hell etc etc. Oh yeah if you like this site click on an advert for me.


Thursday, October 26, 2006

Amusing IT Stories - 1st Edition - Get it while it's hot

Welcome come in young and old, welcome to Amusing IT Stories. I have some good news and bad news. The bad news is this isn't just about Amusing IT Stories is about amusing office stories and rubbish pain pictures done by me.

Right this is the first proper blog entry for Amusing IT Stories. As you will soon be able to tell the idea has already change to Amusing IT and Office Stories without there actually be that many stories but I couldn'’ work out what the title would be and I definitely couldn'’t be bothered to change anything on the blog that took me literally 1'’s of minutes to create. I would like to thank all the contributor for this weeks edition, yep that's just me but that'’s going to change next week because I can feel the magic and someone is going to send me a rubbish icon, a funny story or maybe just an email saying this blog is cr@p. Right let's get on with it, the format is going to be lots of quick things, some good and some probably not and if no one sends me anything then it will be one blog a week for the time being.


Guess what the button



This weeks craps icons are taken from my trusty Lexmark Z600 Series Solution Center, itÂ’s a good printer but the icons are rubbish. Obviously the who ever drew the icons knew of the poor quality so they have descriptions next to the buttons. You probably canÂ’t tell but I have skilfully hidden the text, you probably couldnÂ’t tell so I have put some arrows on to help you. You have got to guess what the each icon is, to mis quote Roy Walker "say what you donÂ’t see".

Lame Sickie Excuse


"I can't come in today, my cat is sick"

I love this excuse and I was the one who took it because how do you nurse an ill cat back to health and more importantly how do you know they are ill, they just layabout being moody anyway.




Boring Blogs of the week

Below is a couple of the most boring blogs I could find this week, I have only pasted in a small section, if you want to read more follow the link.

In 1.
The Anatomy of Antagonism

I can't help but feel alienated from all the other students. It's not because I seem to be the only bloke in a college full of girls. It has nothing to do with realising I'm the only student here over the age of twenty. It's not even due to the fact that I'm possibly the only person in the world who might be mad enough to leave the army and embark on a course in fashion design. The one thing which makes me think I don't fit in is my terribly un-student-like love of clean clothes. However hard I try, I can't imagine ever pulling on some old garment which smells like a glassblower's jockstrap and drowning out the stench of it with a bottle of patchouli.
In 2. The dullest blog in the world
This is pure genius, he has only managed to write on blog entry all year, ready, here it comes, here comes the one and only

“Some pencils were scattered around on my desk. I picked them up one by one. I placed the pencils in the drawer which I use to store pencils.”
What I love about this this blog is the entry above generated 170 comments, which are actually quite funny. He wrote two blog entries the year before, no I wonÂ’t ruin them, go check them out he has put quite a lot of effort in. In fact I'm going to quote another one this one is called Standing in the middle of the room

"I was standing at a central point in the room. The walls were all at approximately the same distance from me. I continued to stand there for a few moments."
Blog 1 is a typical whinging blog but to complain that you are the only single bloke in a college full of girls is wrong and should be made illegal.


Wierd Game of the Week


Don't ask why, don't think about it, just embrace it. I wonder if this has ever happened someone was trampolining in their garden naked and a next door neighbour just saw bouncing body boucing (in all senses) up over the fence.

Nudest Trampoling


You Wot!


I heard this quote recently whilst people were making small talk before a training course started

"I know a builder who said he know someone who will r@pe a man for fifty quid"

Hard Coding under the carpet

This is a good example of why you shouldn't do things just because the person before you did. I was writing some code and I didn't fully understand the code, so I thought I would use the tried and tested method of copying someone else's code and then changing some bits to make it do what I wanted it to do and in this case it wasn't a bad plan because I wanted to do something similar. So I copied the code and in the code it kept checking rule 502, so I duly copied and pasted the code but I couldn't get it to work so I had to debug and understand the code. After about 4 days debugging, not really it was about 2 days (I was young and keen in those days).

I found that rule 502 which lead to a variable with the value "502" actually didn't do anything and it was set earlier in the code and couldn't be any other value. No one knew what rule 502 was, what it was meant to do, where it was meant to be used, what other possible values it could be and no one knew who put it in. Knowing nothing about the mighty rule 502 and kept religiously putting it in their code and checking for the value. Rule 502 is now what I call doing something but no one knowing why, which will be a new category.


FAQ - Hypnotism

Each week I type in something and then put faq after the word or statment, I then look at the pages and find the oddest FAQ question
1. can you hypnotise people without their knowledge?
2. can you hypnotise me online?
3. will I become a zombie, can you hypnotise me agaisn't my will?
4. can you teach me to hypnotise myself?
5. will I cluck like a chicken, tell all my secrets, take off my clothes, stand on my head?
6. can I get stuck in hypnosis like in that movie "office space"?
7. can you hypnotise my just by a text chat or by phone?
8. if I have a natural gift, why should I seek training?
9. will the hypnotist say "you are feeling very sleepy"?
10. does it require any special or phychic ability to hypnotise another person?

Office Etiquette - How the office really works

Answering a colleges phone

When a colleges phone is ringing, you ignore the phone and pretend you are too busy to stop the very important task you are doing to answer your colleges phone. You play a modern day version of patience with your fellow workers. You leave the phone ringing until out of the corner of your eye you see somebody else is going to pick up the phone, at this point you act annoyed that the rest of useless lazy workers haven't bothered to try and pick up your colleges phone and then pick up your phone and try and pick up the ringing phone safe in the knowledge that you won't beat the person who is already going to pick it up. You then act disapointed that someone else has beaten you to picking up the phone

That was a broadcast from one of the many tricks of the Offices magic circle and that my friend is how the office really works.


Random

pornymorphism - porn + polymorphism

I have created a new word today, a worthy feat on a Friday. I found this article/tutorial on polymorphism titled OOP Concept explained: Polymorphism

"The problem with most computer science texts is the examples aren't interesting. Polymorphism isn't really hard to understand, but the examples are usually boring or difficult to understand. This is an alternative text which attempts to use a problem space that's already familiar to the college student to make the concepts of programming simple."
The way the person describes polymorphism is hilarious, here is a sample

"Let's say for example you want to f*ck a hole. You f*ck all holes the same. You don't care if that hole happens to be a mouth, an ass, or a p*ssy, you're gonna f*ck it the same way regardless. However, the mouth, p*ssy, or @ss may respond differently to the f*cking."
Here is the link if you want to read the whole article because it's brilliant mixture of sex and Java


The Power Of Paint



You have to guess who the famous person on the left is. As you can see this is actually one of my better pictures in paint, the answer will be at the bottom of the page








Not in the News this Week

Here is some news that definitely wasn't news this week and is you will not find reported by anyone anywhere.

This week Google definitely didn't say that they brought a video clip site because they couldn't be @rsed to work on their version of a video hosting website. Now where and by no one was it reported that the video clip site purchased popularity will go down no you have to log on to watch strangers fight each other.

Closely on the heels of no one reporting the above news item on Google, not one newspaper or internet site said that Microsoft put back the Vista release date because it can and if you don't like it Microsoft will buy the world and then evict you. When not one person in the world asked no employee at Microsoft for reason why the launch was delivered, Not one employee or anyone else replied "open source software is made and run by communists and we don't like them, although I have no idea why and have never actually met a communist".

National Blogging week, The BBC definitely did not mention anything about National blogging week being possibly the biggest boringest day of the year when more than 8000 dullards managed to stop looking at porn on the internet just long enough to tap the dreariest dullest stream of words describing their almost beyond belief dull lives and the BBC definitely didn’t say it was probably the most boring thing since the Queens speech in 1988 and Steve “the nugget” Davis was sports personality of the year (yes I know it’s ironic I’m writing about this on a blog). Not one scientist claimed that people will look back on this boreathon and state “What a boring bunch of fu^(ers they were in 2006, hahaha look at the size of their phones”.

This week on the release of a game called Bully where the object of the game is beat up ginger kids, give atomic wedgies to small kids, steal home work, pretend to dislike the girl you really fancy and you get bonus points for becoming lunchtime champion of a game of British bulldog. The Teachers union completely denied preordering as many copies as they can get their brown suited with elbow pads hands on.

The BBC website did write about a pelican eating a pigeon in park and they did say this about it “Families and tourists in a London park were left shocked when a pelican picked up and swallowed a pigeon.” And to be honest, who can blame them, the BBC not the pelican. That last bit about the pelican was in the news on the BBC website the rest DEFINITLY WASN’T AND IS ALL COMPLETELY MADE UP AND THAT WAS NOT IN THE NEWS THIS WEEK.

Paper Quotes

I read the papers so you don't have to. I have a quote here which basically describes the whole article and made me laugh. It's from the Times T2 on Thursday and the title of the article was

Just the Trick to find a lady

There a few fantastic quotes from this article which is roughly about a boy who's first love was magic but then he found girls and cruelly cast away magic but then he found he could magic his way into girls knickers. Roll the quotes

"One Christmas I nagged my parents for the ultimate in conjurers kit: a Paul Daniels Magic set"
"When I reached adolescence, I changed: I realised that the most important thing in life wasn’t magic but girls. Magic was moronic, childish. Girls, on the other hand, were exciting — and far more inexplicable. The Paul Daniels Magic Set was a toy. If a girl came to my house and saw that I played with toys, she would laugh and my world would collapse. The magic set went out with the rubbish."
This next one is good, Mystery some evil type magican does something, well it's certainly magic, a bar full of soldiers and the one woman goes gives her phone number to the magican????

"Later, Mystery infiltrates a group of hard-drinking Serbian soldiers, distracts them by levitating a beer bottle, and obtains the telephone number of the only girl in the club."


Spam of the Week

Below is my favourite spam email this week, I have to admit I laughed out loud, it is top drawer and after wood the people who give testimonials are great as well. Here is the spam, it even starts off a bit fruity, Hi Dear! and then starting off using the word em... By the way anyone who knows me, that is not the reason I eat green apples.

Hi, Dear!

em.....
I gotta tell you something. Some years ago I used to watch p0rn0 often. I always admired those guys cumming. They splashed out so much sp3rm on their girls, it looked so cool, so manlike.
Now I have a girlfriend.. but quantity of my sperm was so scanty, that I felt ill at ease.

I was advised to eat green apples but even this didn't help. A month ago I was hanging around at the bar with my best friend. And he said that I should try W0ND3RCUM. Well, - I thought, - sounds interesting.

Next day I came to know that it was really a highly effective all-natural dietary supplement,
which not only increases the sp3rm volume but also improves the sp3rm quality and the mobility of spermatozoa.

Having ordered and tried I was shocked how cool it was.

I'd even say, it changed my life. I'm happy. I even became a better lover, knowing how it all would end.

Wow what a letter, isn't it a relief knowing how it will end, if you want to actually to see the site, yes I know just to have a laugh not for the fab product, well tough luck because site has gone down, I bet he didn't see that coming, boom boom. If you want to know what were the advantages of W0nd3rcum then here they are

Longer 0rg@sms - The longest most intense 0rg@sms of your life
R0ck hard er3cti0ns - Er3cti0ns like steel
Increased s3xual desire - Enhanced libido
Ej@culate like a p0rn star - Stronger ej@culation (watch where your aiming)
Multiple org@sms - C*m again and again
Up to 500% more volume - Cover her in it if you want
Sweeter tasting sperm - Studies show it improves the flavor

Now I know what you are thinking, I don't believe this website they are just saying things like that, well here are some *cough real emails they received and then put on their website
Daniel --- 25, Male, UK
It is about time that us average guys could be on the same level as p0rn stars.Your product has helped me become the man that I have always wanted to be.
Gary ---- 55, Male, Australia
My all round s3x life has improved and when I ejaculat3 it is literally amazing. I look down at my satisfied girlfriend and thank W0ND3RCUM for it, my plan now is to re-order. thanks.
Ken --- 38, Male, Canada
Sir, your product works like no other. I managed better c*mming in just 2 weeks of usage. Dying to see the results after eight week. I fear it will become so thick my girl could get hurt. =)
I would love to see an advert for this stuff on TV, 500 percent more!, The longest most intense 0rg@sms of your life!! fear for you girlfriends safety, Studies show it improves the flavor. I tell you what it almost sounds too good to be true.


Office Evolution - Evolution of the Office Human

The idea for this bit is a little unusual so I better explain it. Basically it shows how are opinions of things in the office change the more time we have been there. I split the evolution of the office working into three stages. This weeks topic is Promotion

In the Beginning (you have just left University/school) office man sees promotion
Office man see promotion as a certainty, he is a rising star and his superior skills will soon be noticed and promotion will soon follow. I will probably be promoted to manager in 3 months and then soon after that I will be the youngest Managing Director the company has ever seen.

In the Middle ages (2 or 3 years on) office man see promotion
Office man is starting to feel that the promotion is taking a bit longer than he had originally planned but he still thinks he will be promoted at some time. Office man still believes he is better than his fellow workers and sometime in the future the bosses from above will see this and then belatedly fast track him to manager.

In the Present (now, 5 plus years experience) office man see promotion
Office man see him getting a promotion as likely as catching a fish in a Birmingham canal. In fact office man isn't even sure what promotion is, he use to remember. Oh yes, I might get promotion if my manager dies and they decide not to hire someone from outside of the company. Office man realizes that he is stuck in the daily grind of his job not going up or down and he is too lazy to go out and find another job. With this realistic view of promotion, he can get on with his job and stop all this thinking of promotion and be a good work drone.


Soapland Logic

This is a scene I saw in one of the popular English soaps. You Dad the fat butcher has just died 2 days ago. He died whilst visiting his ex bird the day before he was about to get married to his current bird. Whist over at his ex birds the silly billy drops dead, causing everyone to hate the nasty ex bird. You are now going to act out the role of the woman who has about to marry the fat butcher. You are quite upset and emotional by the whole affair but you bravely carry on.

You have to decide what to do with the ashes of the fat butcher, which for some reason you are in charge of and not the son (remember this isn't real life, it is soapland). So what do you do, do you

a. Talk to the recently bereaved son and agree on a nice scenic place to scatter the last remains of his father.
b. Put the ashes in a BBQ and cook some fresh meat from the butchers.
c. Go round to the butchers whilst the son is working and give him a coffee jar which contains half of the ashes of his recently deceased Dad and say "well we couldn't agree where to bury him so lets just have half each shall we" and then cry and look bemused when the angry son tells you to get out of his shop.


The answer is of course C, well done to you all who guessed that.



Guess the Button Results


Just to your left is this weeks answers for the guess the button, it's obvious when you think about it.


Stories about the Amazing Previous Company

Here is this weeks amazing previous company quote

"When I turned up 2 hours late for work with a massive hang over at my previous company, I went into the MD's office and apologised and the MD said don't aplogise I wish I came in two hours late with a hangover. So at my old works they actually liked it when I came into work late with a hangover, although they didn't want you to do it too often"


Not that funny but interesting link

I have to apologise I don't know how this serious link without any jokes got added into this blog, well yes I do know because I put it here. There are two reasons, one I like the title it made me laugh and secondly I am trying to fill up some space because no one, not one person has emailed me any stories.

A Nation Hypnotised By TV Property P0rn? Property isn’t as safe as houses

Colleagues from Hell

There was a college who would first have a mcDonalds breakfast on the way to work. Once he was in work for about 30 minutes he would then crack open his tin of meatballs and eat them cold. It was soon after this at around midday that he would earn the nickname of Clogger. It's was not nice being caught in danger zone after a some heavy clogging. To be honest he wasn't that bad, except for the clogging bit but I am just trying to finish this blog entry now.


Caption Competition




You have to come up with a caption and then email me amusingitstories@gmail.com the caption and I will show the best one next week. This email is the same email you would use if you wanted to contribute anything else next week as well.







Readers Letters

This is where I would put readers letters but I haven't really got any readers yet, so I will post a letter to myself under a false name.

Dear Hoskinator (that's me)

I was sitting down on the thrown (toilet) at work putting in a shift whilst puzzling over a sudoku - fiendish level no less and then one of my fellow workers came into the toilet and seated himself in the other sit down toilet. Is this acceptable behaviour at work, should I just let it go or should I confront him now before it gets out of hand. I had to spend 5 uncomfortable minutes holding off finishing off what I had started (the bowel movement not the sudoku, I never did finish that fiendish is just too hard). Still it is good that we get paid for our toilet activities I earned 15 pounds for those 15 minutes.

All the Best

Terry Winkle

Thanks for your letter Terry. You should confront the rogue worker straight away, he is clearly an uneducated fellow and has no manners. Every gentleman knows you never double trap your fellow workers because this leaves an awkward situation where you would both have to hear each other bowel movements. You should inform the scoundrel about normal procedure when you find one of the traps/cubicles in use is to vacate the toilet and find an alternative (disabled toilets are usually vacant) toilet or he should wait 10 minutes and then try again.


At Last the Finish, well done you have made it to the end

Anyone who didn't laugh will not collect 200 hundred pounds and will go straight back to the start and read it again properly and laugh roughly at the end of each section just before you come to the line. Wow I have crossed off all the stuff on my sheet which signifys the first edition is well and truly finished. If you didn't find this funny then there is something you can do about it and that is contribute some material to put into next fridays entry. What you do is

1. read this page which tells you most of the catagories
2. Email me at this address
amusingitstories@gmail.com with some material or any suggestions on other catagories or ways to improve this blog. There are plenty of catagories so I'm sure you all have something to add and don't worry I won't put your real name or email address on the blog.

I hope you enjoyed this blog entry, if you did make sure you click on some of the adverts, tell your friends about this blog, forward it on to them. You can subscribe by either RSS or email or you can just come back here next friday to see the next blog entry.

Before anyone says it, I'm sure there are millions of spelling and gramatical mistakes, well I didn't have enough time to proof read it and even if I did I can't spell or gramatise things anyway.

I almost forgot but the power of paint picture was the one and only Wayne Rooney.