Amusing IT Stories

Hello You, welcome back and as Han Solo (that sounds suspiciously like Hand Solo) once said to C3PO - Hurry up goldenrod. Or you will be a permanent resident.

Well I have been busy this week, beavering away on stuff. The contributions have gone better than I expected with a whooping three of my friends emailing me at this email address amusingitstories@gmail.com which is pretty good going and you will see the fruits of their labour below. The figures viewing the site last week were very good and I managed to trick, cajole, beg and bully 1000 people into viewing last weeks entry but I want more I tell you.

I have been busy adding new categories that will appear, which can be seen here, the more interesting new entries is a couple of cartoons done in my rubbish style, Angry man rant, local news, film/TV pitch, Best Work Nickname.

With more time this week, I have made a bigger entry but with more made up stuff from me because only 3 people emailed in something. I am not really sure if the things I make up are funny but it doesn't stop me. One person doesn't think their funny, I posted last week edition
on dzone and he didn't like it soo much he complained, he said my blog was Lame

Techno Bully reported this link as lame on 10/29/2006 @ 02:53:24
What does a FAQ on Hypnotism, spam the author received and pictures of Bono Vox with Bill Gates have to do with development? This isn't even techie humor, just a lame atempt at getting page hits...

What a technological bully, I will see what he says this week when I post this edition.



One day I went through a phase of instead of putting in a "," or a blank " " in String in my code I made variables called COMMA and BLANK and used those through out my code for a few days. A few days later I suddenly came to my senses and wondered what the hell I had been doing and instead of typing a word five times longer than the comma or space I should just put the bloody comma or space in. I also couldn't remember if BLANK meant no space or a space.

This weeks buttons is a musical theme and the buttons are taken from soundforge and although they are rubbish, it can be a bit more difficult trying to make icons for some of the things the button is meant to be doing. On the other hand just because it's hard doesn't mean you shouldn't try. I have given you the bottom icon because that one isn't bad it is in fact quite cool and wouldn't be out of place on a game of catchphrase

Wave Hammer

Hallelujah! All Saints are Back
They will always be immortals. To my knowledge, they are the only band in history to have split up over a jacket. Specifically who got to wear a particular one to the capital fm christmas party 2000. At some level, you have to admire their work.

The Guardian on Friday 17th

1. If I see one, shouldn't I shoot it? I'll be famous!
2. If I tell you about my experience will there be people showing up on my doorstep?
3. How big can a Sasquatch get?
4. If Bigfoot is a real animal, then why haven't we found any dead ones?
5. Can't orbiting satellites see Bigfoot?
6. What do they eat?
7. What is the geographic range of Bigfoot?
8. How many Sasquatch are there? Is the population diminishing?
9. Aren't those big footprints fake? Wouldn't it be easy to fake them?
10. Is the 1967 "Patterson Film" shot in Bluff Creek, CA a hoax?
11. If sasquatch was proven beyond doubt that it was real, what would happen? 12. But I thought there was just one?!?
13. Are there Bigfoot "homes/houses?"



Dynamo Warlock AKA The Atomic Walrus

I love both of these nicknames just because they are so weird. The extra added bonus was they use to drive the guy made because he kept wanting to know what the names meant. The reasoning behind the name was I saw it as a five aside team name and thought it would be a great nickname. Then people kept forgetting what it was so they also called him the atomic walrus.

Office Property (chairs, pens, rulers, monitors, keyboards etc)

What you have to remember about office property that it is property of the office. Just because you sit on the same chair everyday and use that same phone and keyboard it doesn't mean it's yours. Your fellow workers are fully aware of this fact so as soon as you leave the office for a day, other office works are legally (unwritten law) allowed to take or swap for a similar but broken any item on or around your desk. This could be any items such as phone, mouse, rubber wrist matt protectors, chairs, monitors. When someone leaves the office this is the ideal opportunity to swap any broken equipment you have for the working equipment on the absentee's desk. Even if your mouse/monitor/keyboard isn't broken, why not upgrade.

On return of the absentee worker all workers in the office agree to take a vow of silence of the matter of who was snooping around their desk.


The Managing Director was demoing a product to customer and needed a database to select a few products to show the clients the new functionality. The product he was demoing was brand spanking new so the database he used was a development database, with made up developer products in. When the MD selected a few products together, he then went into a report and the descriptions of the first three products came out as this

Prod1 - I like to Lick
Prod2 - big dogs b0ll0cks
Prod3 - because I can't lick my own

Needless to say development database's weren't used for customer demo's after that.


It was a different spam and a different website but it turns out that wond3rcum had just moved. I am still fascinated by this site just because they says things like

"Have you ever wanted to impress your girl with a huge cumsh0t?"

I can't say that I ever have and whether it a huge cumsh0t would impress the ladies?? The website has a couple of nice touches, the title is predictable in well and the product is Doctor approved because they have a bloke in a white jacket


on with the spam, unusual title to this spam

Subject : month


Increase the volume of your ejaculation in just days!"

Ever wanted longer, more intense orgasms?

Has your cum ever dribbled and you wish it had shot out?

Have you ever wanted to impress your girl with a huge cumshot?

Order today and We fully guarantee.

http://bchn.net


They have also added (made up) a couple of new and baffling testimonials, what is a 5 star shooter! W0ndercum does sound a bit like some kind of messy superhero

Brad 36, US

Being gay W0nderCum has really made me a hit at partys, I have now a reputation for being a 5 star shooter! Thanks very much

Matt 58, US

Since taking your product, i am compleatly cured of imp0tence! My girl now loves to 0raly pleasure me, due to the improved flavour and texture, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me, thanks alot!

Welcome come in young and old, welcome to Amusing IT Stories. I have some good news and bad news. The bad news is this isn't just about Amusing IT Stories is about amusing office stories and rubbish pain pictures done by me.

Right this is the first proper blog entry for Amusing IT Stories. As you will soon be able to tell the idea has already change to Amusing IT and Office Stories without there actually be that many stories but I couldn'’ work out what the title would be and I definitely couldn'’t be bothered to change anything on the blog that took me literally 1'’s of minutes to create. I would like to thank all the contributor for this weeks edition, yep that's just me but that'’s going to change next week because I can feel the magic and someone is going to send me a rubbish icon, a funny story or maybe just an email saying this blog is cr@p. Right let's get on with it, the format is going to be lots of quick things, some good and some probably not and if no one sends me anything then it will be one blog a week for the time being.

Guess what the button

This weeks craps icons are taken from my trusty Lexmark Z600 Series Solution Center, it’s a good printer but the icons are rubbish. Obviously the who ever drew the icons knew of the poor quality so they have descriptions next to the buttons. You probably can’t tell but I have skilfully hidden the text, you probably couldn’t tell so I have put some arrows on to help you. You have got to guess what the each icon is, to mis quote Roy Walker "say what you don’t see".

Lame Sickie Excuse

I love this excuse and I was the one who took it because how do you nurse an ill cat back to health and more importantly how do you know they are ill, they just layabout being moody anyway.





Below is a couple of the most boring blogs I could find this week, I have only pasted in a small section, if you want to read more follow the link.

In 1. The Anatomy of Antagonism

I can't help but feel alienated from all the other students. It's not because I seem to be the only bloke in a college full of girls. It has nothing to do with realising I'm the only student here over the age of twenty. It's not even due to the fact that I'm possibly the only person in the world who might be mad enough to leave the army and embark on a course in fashion design. The one thing which makes me think I don't fit in is my terribly un-student-like love of clean clothes. However hard I try, I can't imagine ever pulling on some old garment which smells like a glassblower's jockstrap and drowning out the stench of it with a bottle of patchouli.

In 2. The dullest blog in the world
This is pure genius, he has only managed to write on blog entry all year, ready, here it comes, here comes the one and only

“Some pencils were scattered around on my desk. I picked them up one by one. I placed the pencils in the drawer which I use to store pencils.”

What I love about this this blog is the entry above generated 170 comments, which are actually quite funny. He wrote two blog entries the year before, no I won’t ruin them, go check them out he has put quite a lot of effort in. In fact I'm going to quote another one this one is called Standing in the middle of the room

"I was standing at a central point in the room. The walls were all at approximately the same distance from me. I continued to stand there for a few moments."

Blog 1 is a typical whinging blog but to complain that you are the only single bloke in a college full of girls is wrong and should be made illegal.

Don't ask why, don't think about it, just embrace it. I wonder if this has ever happened someone was trampolining in their garden naked and a next door neighbour just saw bouncing body boucing (in all senses) up over the fence.

Nudest Trampoling

I heard this quote recently whilst people were making small talk before a training course started

"I know a builder who said he know someone who will r@pe a man for fifty quid"

This is a good example of why you shouldn't do things just because the person before you did. I was writing some code and I didn't fully understand the code, so I thought I would use the tried and tested method of copying someone else's code and then changing some bits to make it do what I wanted it to do and in this case it wasn't a bad plan because I wanted to do something similar. So I copied the code and in the code it kept checking rule 502, so I duly copied and pasted the code but I couldn't get it to work so I had to debug and understand the code. After about 4 days debugging, not really it was about 2 days (I was young and keen in those days).

I found that rule 502 which lead to a variable with the value "502" actually didn't do anything and it was set earlier in the code and couldn't be any other value. No one knew what rule 502 was, what it was meant to do, where it was meant to be used, what other possible values it could be and no one knew who put it in. Knowing nothing about the mighty rule 502 and kept religiously putting it in their code and checking for the value. Rule 502 is now what I call doing something but no one knowing why, which will be a new category.

Each week I type in something and then put faq after the word or statment, I then look at the pages and find the oddest FAQ question
1. can you hypnotise people without their knowledge?
2. can you hypnotise me online?
3. will I become a zombie, can you hypnotise me agaisn't my will?
4. can you teach me to hypnotise myself?
5. will I cluck like a chicken, tell all my secrets, take off my clothes, stand on my head?
6. can I get stuck in hypnosis like in that movie "office space"?
7. can you hypnotise my just by a text chat or by phone?
8. if I have a natural gift, why should I seek training?
9. will the hypnotist say "you are feeling very sleepy"?
10. does it require any special or phychic ability to hypnotise another person?

Office Etiquette - How the office really works

Answering a colleges phone

When a colleges phone is ringing, you ignore the phone and pretend you are too busy to stop the very important task you are doing to answer your colleges phone. You play a modern day version of patience with your fellow workers. You leave the phone ringing until out of the corner of your eye you see somebody else is going to pick up the phone, at this point you act annoyed that the rest of useless lazy workers haven't bothered to try and pick up your colleges phone and then pick up your phone and try and pick up the ringing phone safe in the knowledge that you won't beat the person who is already going to pick it up. You then act disapointed that someone else has beaten you to picking up the phone

That was a broadcast from one of the many tricks of the Offices magic circle and that my friend is how the office really works.

Random

pornymorphism - porn + polymorphism

I have created a new word today, a worthy feat on a Friday. I found this article/tutorial on polymorphism titled OOP Concept explained: Polymorphism

"The problem with most computer science texts is the examples aren't interesting. Polymorphism isn't really hard to understand, but the examples are usually boring or difficult to understand. This is an alternative text which attempts to use a problem space that's already familiar to the college student to make the concepts of programming simple."

The way the person describes polymorphism is hilarious, here is a sample

"Let's say for example you want to f*ck a hole. You f*ck all holes the same. You don't care if that hole happens to be a mouth, an ass, or a p*ssy, you're gonna f*ck it the same way regardless. However, the mouth, p*ssy, or @ss may respond differently to the f*cking."

Here is the link if you want to read the whole article because it's brilliant mixture of sex and Java

The Power Of Paint

You have to guess who the famous person on the left is. As you can see this is actually one of my better pictures in paint, the answer will be at the bottom of the page








This next one is good, Mystery some evil type magican does something, well it's certainly magic, a bar full of soldiers and the one woman goes gives her phone number to the magican????

"Later, Mystery infiltrates a group of hard-drinking Serbian soldiers, distracts them by levitating a beer bottle, and obtains the telephone number of the only girl in the club."

below is a list of the headings that will be in the blog. As you can see I have gone a bit mad and put lots of headings in but don't worry this means that the blog will be a mix mash of quick jokes (so if it isn't funny it won't take you long to read). Also each episode won't have an entry for each heading on every blog entry but like numbers in the lottery they may pop up in any week.

As you can see it has moved a little bit away from just IT but I the main thing is to put in amusing things. If anyone has any other headings or if anyone has any examples or AMUSING IT STORIES then email me at amusingitstories@gmail.com

So now you are getting a flavour of what is going to be in the blog entry, now is the time to contribute. Go on just one person. The first edition will be out tomorrow.

Technology headings

Uber Geekery - examples of uber geekiness
Hilariously unfunny computer joke of the week – when nerds try to be funny
In my day (when computers were as big as houses) – Stories of how rubbish computers were when the storyteller was young
Evil Systems Administrator (the computer Nazi's) – examples of
Silly users – examples of real dumb terminals
Most boring blog entry of the week – bring me the most boring blogs entries you can find
Weirdly named game – odd games on the net
Spam of the Week– amusing Spam received this week
Caught on the job – dangerous work love affairs and love triangles.
It could also include solo love action and being caught
When machines fight back – stories of machines getting one over their human masters
Hard coding under the carpet - hard coded stuff you put in and hoped no one would ask why
Badly named code ever – bad bad bad naming of code
The impossible request – idiotic enhancement/functionality requests
The nightmare day/demo – the day it all went wrong in front of people
Guess what the button does - pictures of baffling buttons with rubbish icons
Rubbishy named software – awful naming of software
Code that never worked – complete rubbish code that never worked because it was so rubbish
The rubbish programmer award – a picture of the software toy or what ever your companys "rubbish" trophy is.
New Computer Game ideas - think up amusing ways children can waste their lives in front of a small TV screen
IT stories to scare IT illiterate - what stories can you make up to scare people who don't use comptuters
families and computer - Embarrasing stories about computers and families, two ingredients that you should never mix!
By Jove I believe that fellow works with computers - Some people just look like they work with computers

Office shenanigans

Leaving your job in style - when someone leaves in style and rights some wrongs on their way out
Bizarre interview answers and/or answers – What's the wierdest
Worst excuse whilst taking a sickie – what's the worst excuse you have heard?
The one drink at lunch goes wrong – Helps bring about the below and amusing when people try to go back and 'act' sober
Busted whilst on a sickie – ever been caught whilst *cough at home sick
The Worst hangover at work ever – tales of the day after
Pushing the Elephant – Office Jargon Buster - Explaining management sayings and then giving a way to use it outside the office
Office Etiquette – How offices really work
The magnificent motivating boss - terrible un-motivating decisions by the boss
Colleagues from Hell – tales of the worst colleges you have worked with
Stories about the amazing previous company – yeah everyone has worked with someone who has fantastic tales of their previous company, often starting sentences with "at company name we used to do it like"
Evolution of the Office being – how are views change as we become more bitter and twisted at work.
How to get ahead in the office rat race– tips on looking busy, taking credit and other devious office tricks
IT out of office - A rubbishy drawn cartoon maybe by me or someone who can draw about the difficulties of being perceived as a geek out of the office where he is king of his domain
The Best Office Nicknames - The best office nicknames you have come up with
Angry Man Rants - Angry rants from people in the office
Emails that should have never been sent - bad emails which get sent
Work Excuses - Pathetic excuses that people came up because they weren't doing their job.
Pushing the elephant - Office Jargon Buster - Explaining management sayings and then giving a way to use it outside the office

Odds and Ends

Quotes of the Weeek! - Crazy comments heard around the office
Embarrassing family blogs – family blogs that are embarrassing
Caption competition – funny picture, just add funny words
Not in the News – What wasn't reported in the news
Odd statistics – some kind baffling statistics
Bizarre facts – I always enjoy a nice fact
It's the News – Juicy bits of gossip in the papers that made me laugh
Warning this may be Interesting and not funny! – This is just something that is interesting and not funny, I know I don't know what it's doing here
Readers letters – letters from readers obviously
The power of paint - A drawing in paint of a famous person or someone you know and you can't spend more than 5 minutes on it.
FAQ - A word/person with FAQ in front of it
Local New - some ground breaking stories from my local paper
Locals Speak up - Locals answer a topical question
I can't believe it's not true - Things you cannot believe are not true
Why I Love and Hate - something you love and hate
Work Doodles - Don't waste time in meetings listening to people waffle on, do a doodle, photo it with your phone and send it in

TV/FILM
The TV Pitch - come up with the stupid ideas before the suits do
Film pitch/Remake it - stupid film ideas for the future
SoapLand Logic - The crazy logic of british soaps
How films could have gone - how a film could have been so different if the characters had made a different choice at a vital time

CARTOONS
Robots – Robots talking about their daily lives
Lord Filth – just plan rude and odd
Computer Thoughts – if computers could speak
A Geeks Life - The life and times of a geek away from his computer, without his computer powers
Funny things geeks kids says - does what it says on the tin
Worm - Two worms chatting about life

Right I have been writing a serious nerdy IT blog for quite a while and now I think I need to lighten up a bit. I have created this blog to collate amusing tales. Obviously there will be some of my tales with the names skillfully changed, including your own so no one can trace it back baby. I am trying to emulate in some ways the mediawatch section of Football365, true stories in FHM with a bit of the popbitch flavor but without the celebrates and some direct influence and copying from the chaps who are doing a great job at B3ta. I won't it a bit like that lot except nerdier and a lot more about computers and people who use them. I want to create a blog which I and you can read after going to the pub on Friday and laugh at the misfortune of others.

One man can't do this alone so what I need from you, is your stories and experiences.

I don't want just my amusing IT tales I want yours as well, so send me in any amusing IT tales, tales of the worst college you have ever worked with, terrible working conditions, misspellings, nightmare demos, rubbish software icons, dumb secretaries and tales of stupidity from the non computer literate (mothers included), amusing pictures, what ever, hand it over and I will spread the joy and amuse the many.

so if you have any amusing stories for me please email me them at amusingitstories@gmail.com
and then subscribe to the rss feed (when I get it up, fnar) or just come back to the site on Friday and I will hopefully have an blog entry ready to rock. I am aiming for one round up blog entry at the start because I am guessing no one will send me any stories or amusing spam and let me struggle on alone for a while, until you eventually start feeling sorry for me and start sending me some stories.