Well I have been busy this week, beavering away on stuff. The contributions have gone better than I expected with a whooping three of my friends emailing me at this email address email@example.com which is pretty good going and you will see the fruits of their labour below. The figures viewing the site last week were very good and I managed to trick, cajole, beg and bully 1000 people into viewing last weeks entry but I want more I tell you.
I have been busy adding new categories that will appear, which can be seen here, the more interesting new entries is a couple of cartoons done in my rubbish style, Angry man rant, local news, film/TV pitch, Best Work Nickname.
With more time this week, I have made a bigger entry but with more made up stuff from me because only 3 people emailed in something. I am not really sure if the things I make up are funny but it doesn't stop me. One person doesn't think their funny, I posted last week edition
on dzone and he didn't like it soo much he complained, he said my blog was Lame
Techno Bully reported this link as lame on 10/29/2006 @ 02:53:24What a technological bully, I will see what he says this week when I post this edition.
What does a FAQ on Hypnotism, spam the author received and pictures of Bono Vox with Bill Gates have to do with development? This isn't even techie humor, just a lame atempt at getting page hits...
One day I went through a phase of instead of putting in a "," or a blank " " in String in my code I made variables called COMMA and BLANK and used those through out my code for a few days. A few days later I suddenly came to my senses and wondered what the hell I had been doing and instead of typing a word five times longer than the comma or space I should just put the bloody comma or space in. I also couldn't remember if BLANK meant no space or a space.
Guess What the Button Does?
Hallelujah! All Saints are BackThe Guardian on Friday 17th
They will always be immortals. To my knowledge, they are the only band in history to have split up over a jacket. Specifically who got to wear a particular one to the capital fm christmas party 2000. At some level, you have to admire their work.
1. If I see one, shouldn't I shoot it? I'll be famous!
2. If I tell you about my experience will there be people showing up on my doorstep?
3. How big can a Sasquatch get?
4. If Bigfoot is a real animal, then why haven't we found any dead ones?
5. Can't orbiting satellites see Bigfoot?
6. What do they eat?
7. What is the geographic range of Bigfoot?
8. How many Sasquatch are there? Is the population diminishing?
9. Aren't those big footprints fake? Wouldn't it be easy to fake them?
10. Is the 1967 "Patterson Film" shot in Bluff Creek, CA a hoax?
11. If sasquatch was proven beyond doubt that it was real, what would happen? 12. But I thought there was just one?!?
13. Are there Bigfoot "homes/houses?"
Dynamo Warlock AKA The Atomic Walrus
I love both of these nicknames just because they are so weird. The extra added bonus was they use to drive the guy made because he kept wanting to know what the names meant. The reasoning behind the name was I saw it as a five aside team name and thought it would be a great nickname. Then people kept forgetting what it was so they also called him the atomic walrus.
Office Etiquette - the unwritten rules of office life
What you have to remember about office property that it is property of the office. Just because you sit on the same chair everyday and use that same phone and keyboard it doesn't mean it's yours. Your fellow workers are fully aware of this fact so as soon as you leave the office for a day, other office works are legally (unwritten law) allowed to take or swap for a similar but broken any item on or around your desk. This could be any items such as phone, mouse, rubber wrist matt protectors, chairs, monitors. When someone leaves the office this is the ideal opportunity to swap any broken equipment you have for the working equipment on the absentee's desk. Even if your mouse/monitor/keyboard isn't broken, why not upgrade.
On return of the absentee worker all workers in the office agree to take a vow of silence of the matter of who was snooping around their desk.
The Managing Director was demoing a product to customer and needed a database to select a few products to show the clients the new functionality. The product he was demoing was brand spanking new so the database he used was a development database, with made up developer products in. When the MD selected a few products together, he then went into a report and the descriptions of the first three products came out as this
Prod1 - I like to Lick
Prod2 - big dogs b0ll0cks
Prod3 - because I can't lick my own
Needless to say development database's weren't used for customer demo's after that.
Spam of the Week
It was a different spam and a different website but it turns out that wond3rcum had just moved. I am still fascinated by this site just because they says things like
"Have you ever wanted to impress your girl with a huge cumsh0t?"
I can't say that I ever have and whether it a huge cumsh0t would impress the ladies?? The website has a couple of nice touches, the title is predictable in well and the product is Doctor approved because they have a bloke in a white jacket
on with the spam, unusual title to this spam
Subject : month
Increase the volume of your ejaculation in just days!"
Ever wanted longer, more intense orgasms?
Has your cum ever dribbled and you wish it had shot out?
Have you ever wanted to impress your girl with a huge cumshot?
Order today and We fully guarantee.
They have also added (made up) a couple of new and baffling testimonials, what is a 5 star shooter! W0ndercum does sound a bit like some kind of messy superhero
Brad 36, US
Being gay W0nderCum has really made me a hit at partys, I have now a reputation for being a 5 star shooter! Thanks very much
Matt 58, US
Since taking your product, i am compleatly cured of imp0tence! My girl now loves to 0raly pleasure me, due to the improved flavour and texture, this is the best thing that has ever happened to me, thanks alot!
1. this blog "Gary's Boring Blog" entry is called Early Halloween and the word that accompany it are
In case you can't tell, Angelie is an octopus, and I'm a shark...Mummy didn't have an outfit this yearI like the fact both him and the baby seem like they have just realised they look a bit over dressed and Daddy has put a bit to much effort in and what the hell is early halloween??
2. Next up we have Icyshard's (never) Boring Blog of Banality and the legendary blog titled double sneeze and here it is
A little while ago I just experienced something completely bizarre; something I have never before experienced.
I sneezed. Ok, that’s not the weird part. What made this sneeze unique is that I sneezed twice at the same time—a sneeze within a sneeze, if you will.
It wasn’t one sneeze after another. It was a sneeze, and while the A-CHOO from that sneeze was coming out, somewhere in the “CH” part I believe, I sneezed again.
So, I guess it was something like “A-CH-A-CHOO-CHOO”, only really fast, and all blurred together, instead of said separately. Unfortunately, no one is around to hear me and back me up on this, so I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it that it did indeed happen as I say.
Has this sort of thing happened to you or anyone you know?
3. Lastly we have the a blog from cephyn called Cephyn's Corner and it has couple of awsome blog entries but you should be careful blogging can be bad for you, as the blog entry say's this is just killing me
03:28 pm - this is just killing me...although not as good as this entry
While I was out and about yesterday, I saw a guy I know I recognized as an actor. But for the life of me, I can't recall at ALL from where. He's rather tall (he was taller than me by a few inches), thin, sharp/angular facial features. Dark, dark hair, longer than average and slicked back. High forehead, slightly receding hairline. Around 40 yrs old, British. Not a main guy, supporting roles/character actor. If you have any guesses, let me know. I can't place him at all. Maybe he was just in a Law&Order episode!
I basically tried to chew through my cheek in one bite at dinner. It friggin hurts. I determined that it was so annoying, I needed to share.
Now excuse me while I drool over Studio 60.
In my day (when computers were as big as houses)
"When I first compiled the Linux source code it took 3 days"
Hi, My Name Is Bob
And I Work At My Job
I Make 40 Something Dollars A Day
I Use To Be The Man In My Home Town
Until I Started To Lose My Way
It All Goes Back When I Dropped Out Of School
Having Fun I Was Living The Life
But Now I Have A Problem With That Little White Rock
See I Cant Put Down The Pipe
I Remember Where I Was When I Got My First Buzz
See I Thought I Was Living The Life
And The Craziest Thing Is I'll Probably Never Know
The Color Of My Daughter's Eyes
If you want to see all the lyrics for this song check it out here http://www.lyricsandsongs.com/song/760255.html, it's worth checking out just to read the discussion below where people are talking about whether Justin uses the dangerous "pipe" himself. The title of new album is called FUTURESEX/LOVESOUNDS which with the addition of a few more words you have yourself a cool new chat up line.
Person 1. I have brought in a violin for you to tune.in two
Person 2. (laughing) a violin, why?
Person 1. I dunno it was something to do
My ex girlfriends boyfriend filled up her head with magicin three (well I heard it on TV)
I have paid for you everything for you, this house, clothes, babystuff, your fake abortion!
A. Ignore the silly boys advances and tell him that he is too young and looks like a scarecrow and you are quite happy with his Dad and we will keep our relationship the step mum and step son variety.
B. Go off with the young gun and put his youthful exuberance to good use.
C. Go to the toilet and read his letter, get startled when someone comes in and looks at you a bit wierd because you are reading a letter in the toilet. Flustered you head on out to the pub and see the step son, you go up to the step Dad/ your husband and say I'm going back to work, despite arranging to meet him there for lunch. After you have worked all afternoon you come out of the cafe to find the step son waiting right outside in a van. He says get in, so you get in, tell him you have never felt like this and you are scared and then give him a whopping passionate snog. Then quicker than you can say mixed signals you dash off into the pub go up to your husband and say "lets move to spain".
Where's my chair, who's taken my chair, oh you leave the office for one day and some bleeder, steals your chair or takes it adjust all the settings which took me months to ge just right and puts it back if you are lucky. Ahh here it is.
[he finds his chair over the other side of the office and wheels it back, sits at his desk and goes to pick up his phone]
WHERE'S MY PHONE, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS, THIS IS RIDICULOUS I CANNOT WORK IN THESE CONDITIONS
[he finds his phone on another persons desk, and then proceeds to stick post it notes with his name on all of his office equipment]
This is where I decide what should be on our screens
Film pitch - Dukes of Hazard Versus Alien
TV Pitch - Celebrity Auswitch
A reality TV show where 20 z list celebrities go into Auswitch and see what it was like. They have weekly tasks like forging passports, digging tunnels and jumping over a pommel horse. Each week one person gets voted off and put into the "gas" chamber
Caption Competition Results (top 3)
1. "I can assure you, Bill, I'm a much bigger c()nt than Sting..." submitted by Dunny
2. "Look my laptop has got the blue screen of Death again, I'm changing to Linux" submitted Tux
3. "Bono - Pull my finger" - "Bill - I'm not falling for that again" submitted by Chickery Pickins
Colleagues from Hell
"I have been lucky enough to enjoy the highest level of success in a sport which I love.
"I can't wait to see our best athletes delivering their biggest hits and most lethal techniques in Manchester.
"Arm wrestling as a sport has developed tremendously over the last decade."
There was one guy who for some reason egged me off, I can't remember how but because he had angered me, I didn't get angry he got even + 1. Firstly I blocked his own website, blocked msn access and then ran a web access report, found his top 10 sites and blocked those as well and repeated the process for a few days.I think the morale of this story is, don't piss off your IT Administrator.
I have no idea what this game is called but it is cool, you have to catch and throw paper into the bin, sounds rubbish but isn't. Rubbish, get it.
"There should be laws to stop the government changing time, who does Tony Blair think he is God, what are they going to do next move the days of the week around"
"We should do what they do in Europe and have single/double summer time, one hour ahead in the summer two hours a head in the winter. Maybe we be innovative and go to double/triple summer time. I know I would"
"Isn't the only reason they move the clocks forward so the farmers in Scotland can have a bright sunny morning, well I say stuff the Scottish farmers, what have they ever given this country, nothing except maybe BSE"
"it's not right that in October 4pm is 4pm but then in November 4pm is suddenly 5pm or 5pm is 4pm. Well that is the problem I don't know what hour is what know that we are in November"
"I work nights so I like it when the clocks go forward because it's easier for me to sleep, the only thing I don't like with the clocks going forward is that it is colder"
This was sent in by Regina Phellangy (which I'm not sure but could be one of Bob Geldolf's children) under the title of the First Timer's Guide and a link to a website. When I clicked on the website the full title was First Timer's Guide - no one forgets their very first time. I suddenly has a nasty thought you the readers had managed to get the wrong impression of me and not the playboy lothario I really am. Worry yee not my faithful reader because it was all a comical misunderstanding the site in question is from the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra website and is a guide for people embarking on their first taste of classical music. They provide helpful questions like these
- What exactly is classical music?
- How do I know if I’ll enjoy it?
- What pieces are you playing this season that I’ll recognise?
- What are all those instruments?!
- And where do the Choruses fit it?
- What should I wear?
- When should I clap?
- Which concerts are suitable for children?
- How can I find out more about classical music?
- What about accessible facilities at Symphony Hall and CBSO Centre?
- And refreshments?
When should I clap?
It can often be difficult to know when you are ‘supposed’ to clap.
Generally, you clap only once the piece is complete (rather than between movements). If you don’t know the piece, your concert programme will tell you how many movements there are in a particular piece. There is normally a 10-20 second pause between movements, so you should be able to work out which movement you are hearing.
If that doesn’t work, wait for everyone else to start, and then join in!
Computer News this week - summarising the weekly net news
NetBeans Announces no announcement
Suns Java integrated development environment (IDE) NetBeans announced that there was no announcement this week which shocked the industry and quickly motivated the NetBeans directors to announce the company was not in deep trouble and on a downward spiral inside a debt corridor. A spokesman for NetBeans said "next time we don't have anything to announce we are just going to keep quiet about it. We haven't really done anything this week because the boss was away, you know what it's like". Wise words indeed.
Processor grown on side of mouse
Today's scientists managed to grow a processor on the side the side of a field mouse. The scientist Earnest Tuttleworth said this was a real break through, at the moment we have grown a small 124 megabyte processor but hopefully in the future I hope to grow a intel pentium. When asked what had inspired him he said "I was always amazed that scientists were constantly growing ears, lungs and hearts on the side of mice but I thought why are they wasting their time growing those things that people don't want. What people are always complaining about is how slow their computer are running. It then hit me why don't I grow something useful on the side of mice. Mice are really an untapped resource in the computer industry. When asked of his future plans Earnest said "In the future I am to be able to grow a processor with fan on an individual mouse, which you will then be able to plug straight into the computer, then instead of electricity you will be able to power computers using lumps of cheese.
Children brought in to end Iraq war
A competition to find the best gamer on Jet Fighter game bird of death on the PS2 was revealed to be more than just finding the best gamer but it was actually a recruitment by the UK government to find pilots to help bring the Iraq war to quick finish. In the game objectives of the game is to bomb Iraq until you tip the axis of evil icon in the corner of the game to point to good and not evil. The game has a 5 percent civilian casualty rate and 2 percent friendly fire. The top three contestants in the competition would be recruited to fly the new computer piloted fighter jets which are just out of production. When asked why children were chosen a British Military commander said "We chose children because they have quick reflexes and are fast learners. They also just think it's a game and so the killing of thousands of people doesn't affect them like it would a normal soldier and adult.
The Rest of the News
BBC announces new show 25
It's like 24 but one better, so when people will be watching 25 they will reach the climax of 24th hour but then have another even greater climax in the 25th hour. Instead of Kiefer Sutherland we are going to have Leslie Grantham with Charlotte Church as his daughter. The BBC refuse to confirm or deny if Charlotte Church will be wearing a cat suit and Grantham will be wearing a bowler hat and can. Noel Edmonds will continue his recent rise in popularity by being the main villain know as the Dealer. The plot centres around Basingstoke where The Dealer has placed 25 boxes and one of them has a bomb in. Can Grantham and Church save the day in 25 hours.
Church wants children to burn Catholics
A vicar recently to told I don't like all pagan jingoism, people dressing up wearing pumpkins and skeleton suits, it's not right, what kind of message is that sending to young children, go dress up as pumpkin and scare old ladies into giving you sweets when they haven't even got enough money to heat their own houses or go to the dentist. I think we should get back to traditional English beliefs like Guy Fawkes, we should be encouraging kids to burn catholics on bonfires during Halloween , get back towards tradition.
The burning of Guy Fawkes is exactly what the church need to do because pretending to burn to death people is exciting to young children because it's like one of their computer games and everyone knows kids love fire.
So kids should ditch the funny costumes and go to their local bonfire and celebrate halloween by burning the effigy of Guy Fawkes and get some decent values in them.
Here is this weeks power of paint for some reason he seems a lot younger in my drawing. I will give you a clue and tell you it isn't Tom Cruise
The main objective of the game Janitor is too keep your grumpometer in the miserable/grumpy old man zone. You do this by puncturing footballs, hiding peoples coats, grassing on children, tripping people up with your broom and scaring children. If you don't do the above things then your grumpometer will go up. The game is over if your grumpometer ever reaches the level of happy, the Janitor will keel over and die. There is a bonus round where you get bonus lives for locking as many children in the school over night as possible.
A Mr C sent this link to me, I'm not sure why but I was thank ful for the contribution and it made me laugh so I thought I would share the wealth
This link below is so amazingly good sent in by Simon Leeftijd, I struggle to find words. I will drop in a few tasters, it's starts like a classic horror film
"A few years ago I was by the derelict church on Cardigan Road near my then house, and I found a blue hardback notebook. It is some sort of builder's diary, and the first ten pages or so consist of notes about building jobs and technical sketches, like this: "
Alternative lyrics to a Another Day in Paradise and Sophie Ellis Bextors dance floor classic Murder on the Dance floor, I will have to give you a sample
A Rinky Dinky Dee
DJ Betta Rock Me
To the Grove
Gonna Burn this Granma's house down
What time is it again
betta tell me when
It's Ten, It's Ten, It's Ten
Again, Again, Again
There was a story this week that Microsoft IE 7 team sent the FireFox team a cake to celebrate the launch of both browsers. No where in the news did it say that Microsoft did this as thanks to FireFox for all the ideas for improvements in their new browsers, things like tabs etc.
Sky announced that they had brought the 3rd series of Lost. No one at Sky said "we brought it because it was popular and we clearly richer than Channel 4 and if any other American show that is popular we will buy that as well". This statement was quickly followed up by no one at Sky or anywhere else saying "of course Lost was popular but it won't be popular now that it is on Sky, the viewing figures for this show will drop well below channel 4's figures for the previous series of Lost".
Google continued to live up to it's tag as the new Microsoft commented not one person when they brought Jotspot as talked about here. There are unfounded rumours that Google will start pushing back all release dates, whilst they code in lots of security flaws into their latest software releases. They also haven't started recruiting more people to their legal team for the constant legal battles to deny they are a monopoly and bully the other software companies they haven't yet brought.
The inventor of the web is worried people are misusing the internet after he heard of a case where someone used the internet at home for 4 hours without once seeing a naked person. He definitely didn't say "I didn't event the internet for people to waste their time doing work and writing blogs, I invented so shy nerdy people wouldn't have to go through the embarrassing ordeal of buying Jazz mags from local corner shops".
finally Oracle have released a version of Linux and have given it the fate baiting name of unbreakable Linux and will give it away for free.
And that wasn't the news this week and all of the quotes and opinions above were all completely made up, except the story about Oracle !!!!
Office Evolution - Evolution of the Office Human
The idea for this bit is a little unusual so I better explain it. Basically it shows how are opinions of things in the office change the more time we have been there. I split the evolution of the office working into three stages. This weeks topic is a phone on your desk.
In the Beginning (you have just left University/school) office man sees a phone on his desk
Office man is amazed the company would give him his own phone, I must be really important. This is on my desk so I can be contacted 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I wonder if it works it hasn't ever rang yet. I better test it, "Hi Mum, yeah I'm ringing from my own phone, yes I thought I must be important as well"
In the Middle ages (2 or 3 years on) office man sees a phone on his desk
Office man is starting to become the a phone power user, picking up calls from the other end of the office with a * 30. He has his Mother on speed dial, so no time wasted dialling for this boy. He can pick up the phone, stuff it between his neck and shoulder and continue to work. Hey these phones are pretty useful.
In the Present (now, 5 plus years experience) office man sees a phone on his desk
God dam bloody phone never stops ringing, people hassling me every minute of the day, ring bloody ring. Oh but when they aren't ringing me they are ringing someone else in the office who is never at their desk, which means I'm a glorified secretary. Hey can't anyone else pick up calls across the office, come on you have all been shown. If only I didn't have this contraption on my desk, I could probably do some work.
Amsterdam Rob and his three funny Google video's
Today's hot 3 Google video clips, counting down...
You have to come up with a caption and then email me firstname.lastname@example.org the caption and I will show the best one next week. This email is the same email you would use if you wanted to contribute anything else next week as well.
Dear Hoskinator (that's me) I have an idea, u might say a cunning plan, which for the life of me I cannot understand why it hasn't been done already. My idea: Head & Shoulders creator Proctor & Gamble to create a new range of anti-itching\scratching
called (of course) Knees & Toes. Think of the relief it will bring to
scabby people across the galaxy.
This would of course open the gates for other products like eye drops,
ear drops, nose drops, mouth drops (?) and athletes foot cream. The
possibilities are endless™
What do you think of my idea?
Mr Dan Druff
An interesting idea of which there is no doubt. I think the perfect solution would be to combine the current Head and Shoulders product with the new product you suggested, so you get Head and Shoulders and Knees and Toes, it leaves no crusty stone unturned.
Dear Hoskinator (that's me)
I read that touching a door handle in the toilet is like touching 15 pen1s's, I'm worried because when I touched the door handle (aka 15 man handles) I didn't feel bad or wrong and if anything it felt good because I could leave the toilet and I had just dropped a dirty bomb in their. So am I gay, not that being gay is a bad thing it's just it would be quite a shock to me because I have a terrible dress sense and a girlfriend. Also is touching the door handle in the womens toilet like touching 15 fifi's because that has been a fantasy of mine.
All the best
A very interesting question but one which has a simple answer. 70 percent of men who ask are they gay are gay. So it is highly likely that you are gay, so buy some chaps, grow a moustache and put on the YMCA and see how it feels.
Apologies to people who are fans of grammar and spelling but I haven't had time to re read this so it's probably a right load of gubbins. If you liked this edition and you weren't a fan last week then you can read the first edition here
ooh before I forget the power of paint was Gordon Brown, go back and have a look, it's pretty good this week. Any cartoon artists out there who want to cartoon up my ideas and have their work put on this blog please email me, I keep asking people but they are all tooooo busy.
I will end with another plea for stories from anyone reading this, I'm sure there are plenty of people with just one funny story that happened in the office or a college from hell etc etc. Oh yeah if you like this site click on an advert for me.